Almost There and Back Again

by Nancy

Chapter 25

The PR director had finally shooed the press stragglers out of the locker room. He didn’t know why he was so thankful. They’d pretty much given up on trying to get comments from him. Clipped ‘yes’, ‘no’s’, and blank stares were a little difficult to expand into full blown newspaper articles, and certainly made for poor television. He was developing a reputation.

The front office tried to talk to him. You need to be better with the press. They can be your best friend or your worst enemy they told him. Why did he have to be so aloof and cold with them? Would it kill him to give them a smile once in awhile, inject a little humor into an interview they further prod. They’d seen and read interviews he did in college, he was personable, cooperative, they continued. With his looks and talent he could be the poster boy for the team, the main attraction, the star.

They got the same blank stare. The same clipped, borderline surly, response everyone else got. He was there to play basketball. Help the team win games. He didn’t want to be anybody’s poster boy. If he was the star basketball player, he was happy to oblige, any other kind of star…they could target somebody else. He didn’t need it, and furthermore, he didn’t want it.

He was more than cooperative with the public he argued. He signed autographs, he posed for pictures, he went to the team’s publicity dog and pony shows they required him to, and was always cordial to the crowd. That’s all they were getting. Period.

Their attempt at getting him to do a personal interview, a look into the day to day life of Nathan Scott so to speak, for the team website was met with a cursing tirade from him, and a hot call from his agent. No in-depth interviews into his personal life. It was no one’s business. On the court he was theirs…off…not only no, but hell no.

His teammates were completely happy with him, his coaches…no complaints. For a rookie, he was doing great. He was a good teammate, a cooperative player. They liked him just fine. Management…not so much.

Sitting on the bench in front of his locker, he pulled the shirt over his head and slipped his watch over his hand snapping it in place. Bending over to tie his shoes, he ignored the rumblings and laughing and blaring music and varying other noises inundating him from all corners of the locker room. He was worn out. He hadn’t slept worth a damn in days.

Standing again, he took his gym bag off the hook it hung on inside his locker setting it on the bench. He grabbed the deodorant off the shelf pulling the lid off once more. It was empty alright. He tossed it into the trash can that set against the wall behind him. He dug through his bag setting a new deodorant stick on the shelf. He grabbed up the sweaty t-shirts and extra pair of shoes from the bottom of his locker, stuffing them in his bag.

He started to push his MP3 player into the bag as well, but reconsidered, shoving it into the pocket of the leather jacket he’d just slipped into instead. He unwound the earphones, getting them ready to push into his ears before he got outside the locker room. It was a good way to ward off unwanted advances from people. He could just pretend he didn’t hear them. It worked pretty well most of the time. If someone had the nerve to actually touch him, tap his back, take his arm, he’d stop and sign their whatever, or smile politely for their picture. But barring that, he put his head down and kept moving.

As far as the fans were concerned…he was a hell of a guy. Good looking, nice, polite, a little on the quiet side off the court, but on the court, he was all excitement. They were winning more than they were losing, so for the fans…he was great, a welcome addition.

Damn, this fucking city is colder than shit, he bitched to himself, tugging his jacket tighter as he walked in double time to his car in the players parking area.

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath when he heard the voices call out to him.

“Hey man, some of us are going out to a club later, you wanna go?” Darren asked as he and his ever present sidekick Corey closed in on him.

“I don’t think so. Not tonight. I’m beat. Maybe next time.” Nathan smiled politely, tossing his bag into his trunk.

“Next time, next time…that’s all you ever say Nate. Come on, you need to get out. Clear your head, relax, get drunk, screw some girls,” Darren laughed. “Half the seasons over man, and you haven’t gone out with us but maybe three times. We’re beginning to think you don’t like us.”

Nathan laughed. Truth was he pretty much liked everybody. He got the usual rookie ragging, but for the most part he was welcomed with open arms.

“I love you guys. I mean really, as ugly as you two are somebody’s got to right? I’m just tired. I’d probably fall asleep after one drink. I’ll go another time I promise.” He grabbed the handle pulling the door wide. He just wanted to get away from everybody.

Darren hit the button on his remote to pop the trunk. Corey dropped his bag in; Darren’s landed on top of it. The locks beeped open. “I’ll be back,” he mumbled to Corey, heading over for Nathan who was already climbing into his car.

“Nathan. You alright man?”

Nathan glanced up from his seat shrugging at Darren with a confused smile. “Yeah.”

“You sure? ‘Cause you’ve been extra quiet the last couple weeks. You seem kinda down or…I don’t know, like something’s eating at you. You’ve been playing really good so it can’t be that. You need to talk or anything?”

“Darren…I’m fine. Don’t go all Dr. Phil on me okay. I’m good…honest. I just don’t feel like going out tonight that’s all.”

“Yeah…okay, whatever you say man,” Darren relented unbelieving. “Hey, I know you got a birthday coming up, your girl going to make it up to help you celebrate?”

Nathan stuck his key in the ignition, turning the engine over. He briefly stared out the front window before turning back to Darren. “I don’t know. I may just skip my birthday this year,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “You guys have fun Darren. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow.”

A few weeks later, and he still wasn’t going out. He was growing more sullen by the day.

He’d been staring at the box sitting on the floor in his living room for the past hour, the same blue box that had been sitting in the exact same spot in his living room for the past two weeks. He flipped through the channels once again before landing on an Andy Griffith rerun.

He laughed out loud. “What the hell, why not torture yourself some more dumb ass.” He let the show play, tossing the remote aside.

It was his fourth trip into the kitchen for ice tonight. He poured the last few ounce of Scotch into the glass, dropping the empty bottle into the trash. He grabbed a fresh bottle off the shelf, adding a little more before topping it off with barely a splash of water.

Do it already, he coached himself, shuffling back into the living room. He picked up the box and set it on the table. Dropping back onto the couch he ran his hands tiredly over his head. He blew out a long breath behind the hands that covered his face.

“Come on Scott…god man…get on with it.” Just one more swallow.

Alone in this house again tonight

I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine

There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me

The way that it was and could have been surrounds me

I'll never get over you walkin' away

He took another long drink, taking the lid off the box.

He had no idea he had so much stuff related to her. Why did she insist he take all this crap? Everything in his house seemed a part of her, of them, the knick knacks, photo albums, and that god damn scrapbook she kept of him the whole time they were in college…he slammed it into the box that was over half full already.

He poured more Scotch in his glass. Screw the ice and for damn sure screw the water. He gulped it now. There wasn’t even a burn any longer.

“Fuck,” he growled out falling back onto the couch staring wide but with heavy lids at the ceiling. He didn’t know if he could do anymore. He closed his eyes weary from the complete stress of the past hour. He was physically exhausted and he’d done nothing but fill a box. His mind was a muddled mess.

The alcohol wasn’t helping him forget. He remembered every detail behind every little thing he touched. He never knew he was capable of such depression. He had no idea it was such a mentally and physically taxing feeling.

She said she would come. She swore she loved him. She just needed time.

He never should have believed her. From the beginning he could tell she wasn’t, but he wanted it so badly. He convinced himself it was true…for a while.

She said she loved him. He swallowed down the recurring lump in his throat.

He couldn’t stop the constant loop of memories running through his head. The first time he kissed her, the feel of her skin, the way her hair felt so silky between his fingers, her laugh and that smile that always warmed him and lit up any room.

The way she made every part of his life better - the way he loved her.

Loved her like he promised himself he would never love again.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

Why couldn’t he have been what she needed? He wanted to make her life better; he wished he’d made her life better. She did his.

He could barely drag himself to an upright position. His body was limp from exhaustion, and sluggish from the alcohol. He had to do this. He had to finish.

The Sports Illustrated picture of them she had framed…in the box. The picture from the banquet…their smiles so natural, so genuine and happy, so…perfect. So gone. He brushed his finger across them like he had a hundred times the past months. Closing his eyes he blew out a long hard breath trying to force them back. He didn’t even bother to wipe away the wet drops off the glass before he turned it face down on top of the pile.

He rummaged through the desk drawer, fishing out all the colored envelopes. The ones he’d collected over the last several months. All the cards she’d sent him for one occasion or another. She was always giving him cards. Valentines Day, Easter, Halloween, just thinking of you cards, “What a crock of shit,” he grumbled tossing them in the box with the thick bound stack of cards and notes and letters he’d collected from her over the past four years.

Back in the kitchen he grabbed up the mail flipping through it till he found the bright yellow envelope with the all too familiar handwriting. He knew what it was without looking - a birthday card. We’re done - oh yeah, by the way - happy birthday! He slung it in the box unopened.

He didn’t know how long he’d been lying on the couch. His head was throbbing, his eyes…he could feel the puffiness and they burned like crazy. He turned his head one way and then the other wiping his face on the shoulders of his shirt. He released another long breath trying to compose himself.

Would it help if I turned a sad song on

"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone

Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better

But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Pulling the phone out of his pocket, he swiped his fingers across his eyes trying to make them focus. He hit the number.

“Hey, it’s me,” he started awkwardly when she answered. He was begging himself to keep it together.

“Hey,” she replied surprised to hear his voice.

“Hey…I uh, I’ve reconsidered your offer. If it’s still good, I think I would like to go out with you guys for my birthday. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure it’s okay,” Brooke answered happily. He could hear the smile in her voice. “Is Haley going to make it up here?”

The silence was getting uncomfortable.

“Nathan?”

“Sorry,” he stumbled out, his head landing heavily in his hand. Keep it together he warned himself again. “Umm…no…no she’s not going to make it Brooke. It’ll just be the three of us I guess. So…where do you want to go?”

His attempt at putting a light air to his voice was failing.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he scoffed lightly.

“Are you sure, ‘cause you sound funny. Like…I don’t know…funny. Like nasally or something. Are you getting sick?”

Another long silent breath crossed his lips. “No, I’m fine…or maybe I’m getting a cold, I don’t know. I’ve been really tired lately. Maybe that’s what it is.”

His voice was belying his reassuring words.

Brooke’s face furrowed as she snapped her fingers at Greg trying to draw his attention from the television. ‘Something’s wrong’ she mouthed to him, pointing at the phone. He threw his hands up shaking his head confused.

He hadn’t talked to Nathan in almost a week. Last time they talked, Nathan had begged off on going to the Bruins game with him using the same he was tired excuse.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Nothing much. Cleaning up some stuff mostly.”

“You want to come over? We’re just hanging out. We were going to watch a movie and veg out, you want to join us? I’ll make popcorn and everything,” she tried coaxing.

He knew he couldn’t handle being with anyone tonight. He appreciated the way they tried to include him in on things. They knew he had to be lonely there without Haley so they tried to invite him to come to dinner, go places with them. Nathan was grateful for the most part, but sometimes he felt more like a third wheel. He didn’t think he could take having them cuddle on the couch tonight without completely loosing it.

“Thanks for the offer Brooke, but I think I’m just going to stay in. It’s getting kind of late, I’m probably going to go to bed in a little bit, but thanks anyway.”

“Late,” Brooke puffed. “It’s not even nine o’clock Nathan. You’re going to bed already? This is Nathan Scott right?”

“It’s me Brooke,” he tried to chuckle in return. “I told you I was tired.”

Brooke sighed unsure if she should prod further. Nosing into Nathan’s personal life usually left her with teeth marks. “It’s more than that Nathan. What’s wrong?”

“Brooke you’ve been watching too much Oprah. Cut back on the soap operas or something. I’m okay. I’d just rather stay home tonight and try to catch up on some sleep. Now, where are we going for my birthday?”

Brooke rolled her eyes at Greg with an irritated sigh. ‘Something’s wrong with him’ she mouthed again. His birthday was only a few days away, it would have to wait till then because it was obvious she wasn’t getting anywhere with him tonight.

“Fine, I give. You’re the birthday boy, you pick.”

He sighed. He knew she was going to do that. “God, I don’t know Brooke. McKinney’s was good when we went there before. You want to just go there again?”

“That’ll be fine. Their bar gets a little rowdy sometimes, but the foods good. Seven-thirty sound okay?”

“Sounds great Brooke. I’ll see you guys then. And Brooke…thanks for always thinking of me okay?” he softly added.

Brooke bit deep into her lip at the quiet tone. Something was definitely wrong. “Sure Nathan. We’ll see you at McKinney’s.”

Her worried eyes locked with Greg’s the minute she hung up. She shook her head with disturbed concern. “Something’s up.”

Grabbing the edge of the table, he used it to help pull himself up. He paused, sucking in long breaths as his fingers massaged into his pounding temples. He only had one thing left to do.

Placing the lid on the box, he tucked it under his arm. He clutched the Scotch bottle around the neck, swallowing straight from the bottle as he carted it all with him back to his bedroom. He placed the bottle on the nightstand and carried the box into his closet. He pushed it into the far corner.

He knew exactly where it was. It was in the same place he put it for safe keeping when he originally bought it, even carrying it with him to New York and back.

He never needed to get it out. It was pointless then, and now…it was even more pointless. He didn’t know why he still had it. He should have taken it back, pawned it, or just thrown the damn thing away.

He shook his head with another long sigh at the thoughts. He was an idiot. That statement pretty much summed him up.

He hadn’t worn that suit since the draft. He knew if he did, it would have meant he had to deal with it.

Feeling around in the pocket inside the jacket, he squeezed the small black velvet box in his palm, retracting it from the pocket. He held it ever tighter as he slid his back down the wall next to the box with utter exhaustion.

His arms draped over his drawn up knees. He fingered the soft materialed box round and round in his hand.

He slowly pulled the top back. The two caret, princess cut solitaire twinkled brightly back at him. It was simple. He didn’t want anything too big or too gaudy. It was simple, just like he knew she would want it.

He bought it shortly after she decided to keep the baby. He had it all thought out. It was the perfect plan. After the draft, he was going to ask her to marry him. They would move to wherever, and she’d go to school, and they’d get married, and begin their life together. Then the baby would come, and they’d be just the perfect little family.

But it didn’t go according to plan. Nothing had gone according to plan. Before the draft ever happened their life was in complete disarray. One giant disaster. There was no baby, there was no marriage, there was no happy ever after. There was no them.

One mistake and it was all over. He should have seen the car. He should have let her stay home.

She couldn’t forgive him. She’d never forgive him. He’d never forgive himself.

He laid a shaky hand across his mouth staring through clouded eyes at the jewelry. He chewed hard into his lip trying to stop the tears that instantly welled in his eyes. There were too many to hold back and he let them spill unencumbered down his face. His body shook hard with the tears that finally racked him to his core. He couldn’t stop them and longer. He didn’t want to stop them any longer.

He’d barely held it together after they lost the baby. He was trying to be strong for her. It didn’t help. The only tears he’d shed were the ones he briefly allowed in the limo. He’d managed to keep it together since. It didn’t help anything to cry. He learned that lesson a long time ago. They wouldn’t help her, they wouldn’t help him, they wouldn’t help anything.

But the tiny thread that was holding him together had finally frayed to the point of snapping, leaving him to sob, alone…in a closet, clutching one more link to a past that was just that, the past. It was never going to happen. He knew he had to let it go.

He knew he never would.

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show

And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control

But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain

To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain

From my eyes

Tonight I wanna cry

He finished off his second drink. He messed with his hair as he practiced his smile in the mirror. He brushed his teeth, wiping away the dripping water, he smiled again. “You really are a moron,” he mumbled shaking his head. He slapped on some cologne. He gave himself one more glance before rolling his eyes as how truly pathetic he was. He threw a dismissive hand at himself, walking away from his reflection to get dressed.

Brooke and Greg were already waiting for him in the bar when he came in the restaurant. Brooke shoved the wrapped box in Greg’s hands, throwing her arms around Nathan’s neck squeezing him tightly. Nathan wiggled his eyebrows with an amused smirk at Greg. He gratefully returned the hug, probably longer than necessary. It felt good to have somebody hug him, even if it was Brooke.

“Happy birthday!”

“Thank you,” he chuckled.

“Happy birthday man,” Greg smiled stretching his big arm around his shoulders with a hearty squeeze.

“Thanks.”

They’d hardly settled into their seats before Brooke was urging him to open his present.

“Damn Brooke, shouldn’t we wait till after we eat or something. I mean once the gifts are open it all goes down hill from there don’t you think?” Nathan teased. “Thank you,” smiling at the waitress who’d just brought them another drink. “You’re welcome,” she smiled in return blushing slightly at the way his eyes lingered on her cleavage.

Brooke rolled narrowed eyes up to Greg, her mouth twisted in irritation. Greg shrugged back with the warning arched eyebrow she’d come to know too well. It meant keep your big mouth shut. She hardly ever listened to his eyebrow.

“Let’s see what we have here,” Nathan grinned tearing at the paper. “This smells good Brooke,” he said taking another whiff of the cologne they gave him. “Here, smell,” he ordered handing the bottle across to Greg.

“Mmmm, you’ll smell just yummy,” Greg mocked in a girly voice. Brooke turned her irritation on him. He gave her his best smart ass smile, handing the cologne back to Nathan.

He dug further into the box. “The latest NBA live game…well, I certainly can’t get enough of that action. Maybe if I play this enough I can figure out how to stop Iverson, ‘cause that little prick kicked my ass a few weeks ago.”

“You’re on there.” Brooke laughed when Nathan’s head shot up and his mouth fell open. “You are I swear. They’re not even selling it in the stores yet. The company I work for does all the marketing for one of the big electronics stores, and I kind of weaseled a copy from the rep.”

“No shit, I’m on here? How cool is that,” he said with a genuine laugh. “Trent didn’t even tell me. I wonder if I get any money for that,” he mumbled closely reading the back of the box to see if his name was listed. “Is Lucas on here?”

“You know, I didn’t even remember to look. But I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure his name would have jumped out at me. So, you’re one up on him.”

“Yeah, what else is new? Thanks you two, this is really great.” He leaned across the table giving Brooke a buss on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it,” Brooke smiled back. “So, I guess we should toast right?” The three of them raised their glasses clinking them lightly together. “To Nathan…I…I know I am by far the cleverest person at this table, but I can’t think of one clever thing to say,” Brooke giggled. “So just…happy birthday. Twenty-three and counting…live long and prosper.”

“Thanks Spock,” Nathan chuckled taking a sip of his drink. He neatly tucked his gifts back in the box. Their friendship meant more to him right now than they could ever know.

He glanced awkwardly around the restaurant, releasing a light breath. He finally turned back to them, pasting a smile to his face. “You know, my birthday’s not all we have to drink to.” He raised his glass again, the smile still plastered across his lips. “You are looking at an officially free man. I think that deserves a toast, don’t you?”

Brooke and Greg stared back stone faced. “Come on,” Nathan urged, waving at their glasses. “Drink up.”

Brooke leaned her elbow on the table resting her chin on her fist. “Why is that something to drink to? It’s not going to last.”

“It’s going to last alright. We’re done. She was pretty clear on the message. You guys don’t seem surprised. I guess you figured out she was never coming before I did,” he chuckled humorlessly. “I wish you’d let me in on the secret.” He waved the waitress over to get another round.

“I called Haley the other night after I talked to you Nathan. It was obvious something was wrong. I didn’t get to talk to her then, but Greg did last night.”

“Well lucky you,” Nathan mumbled taking a long gulp.

“You broke up over a month ago Nathan, why didn’t you say something?” Greg asked, his concern growing at the way Nathan’s hands were shakily fiddling with his glass, the clenching of his jaw in direct contrast to his fake little smile.

“What was I supposed to say Greg? Hey guys, Haley dumped me. Woo hoo! I mean…what…I didn’t know what to say. It’s not that big a deal anyway. We’ve been apart so damn long it’s like we were over months ago. No big deal,” he puffed trying to shake them off. He was quickly regretting coming out of his hermit shell.

“She feels bad about it Nathan. She just…,” Greg tried gingerly.

“Does she really!” Nathan exploded back. “Well boo hoo for her. Don’t kid yourself Greg; she’s a lot better actress than any of us ever gave her credit for. She never had any intentions of coming to Boston!” he continued to rage.

“I’m not saying I agree with her Nathan,” Greg jumped in when Nathan had to pause for air. “In fact she’s probably not going to talk to me for some time after what I said. I think she’s crazy for not coming, for giving up, but she’s just still so…mixed up or…I don’t know. Law school’s going good right now and… I can’t make any sense out of it either,” Greg sighed in defeat; he was totally exasperated with her.

“She doesn’t love me, how hard is that to figure out Greg? She’s can’t forgive me,” he shrugged. His glass was almost empty once again.

“Nathan, you know she loves you,” Brooke tried her hand at reasoning. “She doesn’t blame you for anything. This is just temporary. She’ll get it together and you guys will be back together in no time. Don’t give up. Please, don’t give up Nathan.”

Dropping back against the booth with a harsh sigh, Nathan pushed back his half eaten plate of food. He shook his head scoffing. “I finally woke up Brooke, you obviously need to too. It’s not temporary. She’s not coming. If she does have a tiny bit of love left for me somewhere in the far recesses of her heart, it would shock the shit out of me. ‘Cause if she did, she’d be here. She said to get on with my life, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. My birthday…can’t think of a better day to start, can you?” The false smile returned to his face.

He glanced toward the bar, and all the noise that was ebbing from there. “I think I’ll just go in there and get the next round myself. Be right back.” He hurried out of the booth leaving Brooke and Greg to stare after him.

“This is going to get ugly,” Brooke grit, her arms folded tightly across herself as she watched him go into action in the bar.

He sidled up to the bar, engaging the bevy of girls standing around it in conversation. He must have really been funny judging by the way they were all giggling. They started exchanging shots. He must have lost a bet because they all laughed and pointed at him while he downed another.

“He’s…god he’s acting like an idiot. Go get him Greg,” Brooke snapped disgusted by what she was seeing.

“I’m not going to stop him Brooke. Yeah, he’s being stupid, but maybe he needs to drown his sorrows a little. Haley did this Brooke. She should have moved here. They should have worked through losing that baby together not alone, and that was her choice. He tried, she didn’t,” he grit, his eyes never leaving Nathan.

“I can’t believe you!” Brooke hotly threw back. “She’ll be back. He’s going to screw it up by doing what he’s doing. I thought Haley was your friend Greg!”

“She is, but so is Nathan. I’ve known her all my life Brooke, she’s a quitter. She never fights for anything. The road gets hard, she takes another one instead of plowing ahead to get through it. She didn’t give how he felt a second thought. She needed to fight for them and she wouldn’t. She did this!” he bit jabbing a hard finger toward Nathan.

Brooke’s eye flew wide before narrowing them in complete fury at Greg. “Don’t talk to me again!” she spit outraged by his words, and refusal to intervene.

Greg fell back against the booth, removing his arm from where it was stretched around the back of her side of the booth. He went back to eating. “Fine,” he shrugged ignoring her further.

Brooke’s face set hard when she saw Nathan heading back their way, his arm wrapped around the waist of a tall brunette.

“Hey you two…this is…,” his eyes narrowed, his mouth twisting as he stared hard into the girls eyes searching them for a name.

“Kristin,” she giggled slapping him playfully on the chest.

“Sorry,” he grinned at her. “Kristin. These are my friends Brooke and Greg.”

“Hi,” Greg offered her his hand with a tight smile. His irritated cocked eyebrow and warning head shake to Nathan was met with a bigger grin. Greg nudged Brooke in the side when she only sat glaring hatefully back at the girl.

“Mmm,” Brooke grunted out, folding her arms across her self again, making sure the girl picked up on her disgusted perusal of her. Hell would freeze over before she stuck her hand out to the slut. Kristin blanched at the glare, glancing up to Nathan confused. Nathan gave her a reassuring wink.

“We’re just…going to step out for a few minutes. I’m coming back so you two don’t go anywhere. And don’t let them take my food. I plan on finishing every bite. I may be extra hungry when I get back,” he laughed hugging Kristin tighter. She giggled again.

“A few minutes?” Brooke deadpanned. “Wow…Kristin,” she slowly snarled the name. “A few minutes…you must be so excited. Nothing better than a man who can get it done in a few minutes right Kristin?” Brooke snarked before turning her glare on Nathan. He rolled his eyes, clamping his jaw tight to keep from biting back. He turned his back on them tugging Kristin along with him toward the door.

Greg tried to keep eating, but was rapidly getting an incredible case of indigestion. Brooke hadn’t stopped bitching since Nathan walked out. She ate a little and bitched a lot, alternating between the two. Greg was ready to ram his head into the nearest brick wall. He glanced at the engagement ring on Brooke’s left hand. This…for the rest of his life, he momentarily questioned.

He couldn’t help but chuckle aloud at his thoughts. He knew he wouldn’t have her any other way. “Hey!” he broke into the middle of her crazed ramble. Brooke stopped short staring befuddled at his smirk.

His hand slid up her jaw, his fingers tangled in her hair as he pulled her in. He pressed his lips to hers in a soft lingering kiss. “I love you.” Brooke couldn’t stop the smile, rolling her eyes suddenly aware of how ridiculous she must have been sounding. “I love you too,” she whispered resting her head against Greg’s.

They broke apart when they heard the flop from the other side of the booth. Nathan flushed face was smiling broadly at them. “You guys are cute together you know that? Big and small, nice and mean,” he growled laughing at Brooke’s aggravated glare. “You’ve got that whole opposites attract thing going. Cute.”

He pulled his plate back in front of him, cutting into his steak.

“Well?” Brooke questioned, her fingers tapped agitated on the table. “Fix your hair; you look like a crazy person. Never mind…it fits right now.” Nathan shook his head with a light chuckle. “Tell me you didn’t.”

He took a bite of his steak. “Wow this is cold!” He grabbed the hand of their waitress before she could get by, smiling charmingly as he asked her to heat it up for him. “Didn’t what?” he stalled running his hands through his hair. “Better?”

“You know what.”

“Well…I guess technically speaking…I didn’t. I mean didn’t…you know. I haven’t needed a condom in so long I kind of got out of the habit of carrying them I guess. There’s a drug store on the corner though, so I already remedied that little problem. Won’t get caught unprepared next time. Besides, her cars a little small,” he smirked. “Anyway…she felt really bad you know. She was really sweet about it. She just hated my predicament so she…,” he laughed again rubbing at his chin as if searching for the right words. “Well…she swallows, let’s just put it that way.”

Brookes head fell with a thud in her hands. “Damn Nathan!” Greg groaned disgusted. “TMI man. I could have gone the rest of my life without hearing that shit. Jesus. Some things are best left unshared you know.”

“What…she asked,” he laughed pointing at Brooke. He resumed eating his food that had returned with an unapologetic shrug.

Brooke raised her head folding her arms glowering at Nathan. “Greg…I’d like you to meet the real Nathan Scott. The guy you’ve known the last four years was an imposter. This is the one I’ve always known. Welcome back - jackass,” she grit through clenched teeth.

Nathan broke out in a loud laugh. “Thanks. It’s good to be back. To the return of Nathan Scott,” he cheered hoisting his glass in a toast to himself.

Brooke and Greg moved into the crowded bar with Nathan. The way he was slamming down drinks they were more than hesitant to leave him alone. He was going to have to be carried out of there pretty soon.

The atmosphere was rapidly turning into a raucous, impromptu birthday party. Nathan was good enough to share with the girls today was his birthday. They practically clawed each other trying to get next to him to help him celebrate properly. Even the men in the bar had joined in the celebration. Most of them knew who he was, and even if they didn’t, all the girls were hanging around him, so if they wanted any chance at his leftovers, they’d better hang close and help in the celebration.

Greg waded through the girls, finally just reaching across a couple of them to tap Nathan’s shoulder. “Give me your keys,” Greg demanded holding his palm open.

Nathan stared down at his hand completely befuddled. He looked back glassy eyed at Greg’s serious expression. “What?” He was practically slurring.

“Keys…fork ‘em over.”

“Wha…why? Are you leaving? You can’t leave, we’re just getting started. It’s my birthday.”

“Don’t make me take ‘em from you Nathan.” Greg was worn out with him. Drowning his sorrows a little was one thing, this had escalated into the absurd.

Nathan pouted out an agitated sigh but dropped them in Greg’s hand.

“Hey everybody,” Nathan hollered out, grabbing Greg around the shoulders pulling him back in before he could back away. “This is my friend Greg Lowry everybody. You guy’s know Greg right? He’s the rookie sensation – did I say that right,” he chuckled, “center for the Patriots. He’s my good, good friend. Aren’t you Greg?” Nathan grinned drunkenly at him, hugging his neck as the crowd cheered wildly for Greg.

Greg locked his eyes on Nathan’s. They were glassy and fogged over from the alcohol, but they were still clearly reflecting pain and more than a hint of guilt. He was almost certain they were misting up. His eyes were defying the rest of his outward actions and appearance. They were begging him to play along. Greg gave the crowd a tight smile and a little wave.

“Yeah…yeah I’m your good friend. Happy birthday man.” He wrapped his arms around Nathan in a manly bear hug. “Let’s go,” he whispered in his ear. Nathan shook his head adamantly, “No, not yet,” he mumbled back.

“Don’t leave gorgeous,” the blonde with the plunging neckline cooed latching her arm through Greg’s. “Yeah,” another girl giggled slipping her arm around his waist.

“Girls…you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into,” he grimaced cutting his eyes to where Brooke was sitting. Watching. Fuming. Getting off her stool…

“Oh I think we do,” the blonde laughed.

“I promise…you don’t. See that pretty little girl headed this way? If you two don’t let go of me - like right this second - she’s going to scratch your eyes out, and that’s no exaggeration. Back up,” he growled shaking them off. “Come on honey,” Greg smiled taking Brooke’s shoulders and spinning her back toward their table. Brooke’s head snapped back toward the girls who were still watching Greg walk away, flashing them a hateful scowl, and a flying middle finger.

“We need to get him out of here,” Brooke whined.

“We can go if you want. I have his keys so he’s going to have to get a cab or something.”

“This turned into a disaster. Haley still loves him. Why can’t he just wait? This whole thing is just a big fat fucking disaster,” Brooke huffed. She shook her head totally defeated when she saw Nathan still in the middle of the girls wildly waving his arms around.

“Okay…okay…I need to get going, but I think I need a big birthday kiss from somebody first!” He laughed when all of them began volunteering for duty. “You girls are making this so hard! Here, I’ve got a fair way,” he suddenly announced.

He closed his eyes, waving an unsteady finger around before pointing at one. “You,” he smiled easing his eyes open to see he’d chosen a small beauty, her long reddish brown hair so similar to Haley’s. She smiled brightly up at him. His face dropped – no damn way! He’d been intentionally ignoring that particular girl all evening. He gulped hard trying to gather back the nerve that was rapidly receding. “What’s your name?” he asked planting a shaky smile back to his lips.

“Holly,” she beamed stepping up to wrap her arms around his waist. The ‘fuck’ almost reached his lips. “Happy birthday Nathan,” she purred pulling his mouth to hers. The cheering crowd was not helping him get lost in this kiss.

He had to breathe. He eased his lips from hers. She bit lightly at the edge of her lip, her eyes drifted slowly open to meet his with a shy giggle. Nathan smiled at the sound. He brushed the stray hair back from her face sweetly tucking it behind her ear. He tenderly caressed her cheek; her beautiful brown eyes sparkled back. “You’re so pretty,” he softly whispered.

Before she could get the thank you out his mouth was covering hers again. His tongue swept enticingly across her lip before it was welcomed into her mouth by her own. He clutched her small frame tighter into him devouring her mouth with abandon. Her quiet moans and the way her fingers dug through his hair only pushed him further. “God Haley,” he moaned with desperation into her mouth.

She had to get some air this time, their chests were heaving when she wrenched her mouth free. His hazy eyes never left hers. She gave him a big smile, reaching up to gently dab away the lipstick around his mouth. “Are you ready to go?” he quietly asked, his fingers ran gently through her hair. It was so soft.

“Okay,” she agreed with another quiet giggle. “And it’s Holly.”

He shook his head in agreement. He didn’t hear a word she said. He couldn’t stop staring. He leaned in pushing another kiss against her lips before he tugged her into his side. She fit perfectly under his arm.

His head was gone. One huge blur. The whooping and hollering going on around them as he guided her out was not helping clear things. It only made the buzz in his head clamor that much louder.

Greg grabbed his arm as he went by. He’d completely forgotten they were there.

“Where you going Nate?”

“With her,” he smiled dropping a kiss on Holly’s head.

Greg and Brooke exchanged worried glances. She did look very similar to Haley that fact wasn’t lost on them either.

“Why don’t you just go with us?” Brooke jumped up to take his other arm. “We’re ready to go too.”

“But she wants me to go with her. I want to go with her.” He sounded like a lost little boy. He leaned down brushing a soft kiss to Brooke’s cheek. “Thanks for a great birthday.”

~~~~

Third times the charm she told herself as she listened to the phone ringing in her ear. He still wasn’t picking up. Greg said he and Brooke were taking him out for his birthday, she just didn’t think they’d be out so late. She glanced at her watch, it was really getting late.

The idea that maybe he was just ignoring her call was another real possibility. A more likely possibility she concluded.

She’d just have to leave a message.

The sound of his grumpy voiced answer still made her smile. “Hey…it’s me. I really wanted to talk to you instead of leaving a message, but I guess you’re still out with Greg and Brooke celebrating. I hope you had fun. I guess I’ll just leave a message after all,” she sighed tiredly.

“I’m sure I’m the last person you want to hear from, but I still wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I hope you got my card. I sent a gift too, I hope you like it. It won’t hurt my feelings if you exchange it. I wasn’t convinced you’d like the color anyway,” she said with a small laugh. There was a long pause. She was fighting her own tears. She knew he didn’t want to hear her stupid bawling. “I…god I’m so sorry Nathan,” she choked out with a whisper. “Just…umm…happy birthday okay. I miss celebrating it with you. I know you don’t believe that, but I do. I…okay well…I guess I’m probably out of time so happy birthday…again. I miss you and I…I…just okay…bye.”

~~~~~~

He groaned wiping a tired and annoyed hand down his face as he rolled toward the ringing phone. One eye popped open to see the red numbers glowing two-fifteen at him. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered snatching up the phone. “Hello,” he gruffly barked into the receiver.

He listened...and listened. A long sigh followed another groan. “Yeah…yeah…okay…alright, I’ll be there as soon as I can. And Mick…thanks.”

“You’ll be where as soon as you can?” Brooke mumbled into her pillow.

“Nathan. He’s back at McKinney’s. That was Mick; I need to go get him.” Greg was already up pulling some clothes on.

“He left with that girl, what’s he doing back there?” Brooke pushed up on her elbows sleepily watching Greg throwing himself together.

“I don’t know Brooke. He refuses to take a cab. I have his keys so he can’t take his car, not that he could drive anyway. I’m just going to bring him back here. We can go get his car in the morning. I’ll be back in a little bit. Love you,” Greg smiled popping a quick kiss on Brooke’s worried forehead.

Greg waited for Mick to turn the lock and let him in. They closed at two-thirty, but there were still a handful of people sitting at a table engrossed in drunken conversation. Mick let them hang around till they finished cleaning up before he ushered everyone out the door.

“Thanks Mick,” Greg said giving Mick’s stocky shoulders a tight squeeze, moving toward the back booth Mick had motioned to. He could see Nathan’s head laid lazily back against the booth.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Greg chuckled slipping into the seat across from Nathan. “You’re looking a little ragged there Nate.”

Nathan took another long drink from his glass of ice water before finally looking over to Greg. “I’m feeling a little ragged,” he muttered with a pathetic smile. “I can’t find my keys. I think I lost my gift too,” looking around his seat, raising his jacket off the seat next to him to peer under it. “I don’t know where it is. I…what are you doing here?”

“Mick called me. I put the gift in your car earlier Nathan. And I have your keys, remember?”

Nathan concentrated hard on Greg’s face trying to recall. His head was slightly less hazy than when he first walked in, but it was far from clear. “Yeah…I guess so. Can I have ‘em? I really want to go home now.”

“No you can’t have them. I’m just going to take you back to my place. We’ll come get your car in the morning.”

“I don’t need a damn babysitter,” Nathan scoffed out, “Give me the keys.”

“Nathan…it’s almost three in the morning. You’re drunk. Way drunk. You can’t drive. I’m tired, you’re tired…you’re going home with me, end of discussion. Let’s go,” Greg sighed with tired and waning patience as he pushed himself to get out of the booth.

“I guess I’m going to have to kick your ass to get them huh?” Nathan shot back. Greg burst out in a raucous laugh.

“Nate, a six year old girl in a pink tutu could kick your ass right now. Besides, don’t kid yourself, you couldn’t kick my ass stone cold sober,” Greg chuckled. “Now let’s go.”

“I could out run you,” Nathan pathetically argued. “True,” Greg agreed with a big smile. “Come on.”

Nathan shook his head annoyed. He didn’t have any energy, much less brain power to argue further. He made no move to leave.

“I didn’t want to.” His voice was a pained whisper.

Greg laid a comforting hand across his forearm. “I know man…I know. Let’s just get you home so you can get some sleep okay? I know you can’t see it now, and I know this won’t help, but time does heal things. You can start again tomorrow alright. One day at a time Nathan.”

Brooke lightly tapped at the door as she pushed it open. “You decent?” she asked, hesitating before going further into the room.

“I guess,” Nathan grumbled. He punched at the pillows trying to get them right under his head. He tugged the covers up around his waist, settling his body into the mattress.

She flipped the lamp to dim. She handed him a bottle of Gatorade and some Advil. “Not that this will help your upcoming morning, but take them anyway. They won’t hurt. You need to drink all that too.”

She picked his shirt and pants off the floor laying them across the chair. She emptied his pants pockets onto the nightstand, his wallet, his cell phone, change, rolling her eyes with a long sigh at the condoms there before tossing the pants back on the chair.

“The bathrooms right over there if you feel like you’re going to puke. You need anything else?”

Nathan reached out taking her hand. “Can you sit…just for a minute, please.”

“Sure.” She sat down on the bed next to him, holding his hand warmly between hers.

Brooke smiled softly down at him. He held her eyes with his own that were quickly beginning to well. He blinked hard against them looking away trying to shake them off. Brooke knowingly squeezed his hand tighter.

“I had sex with that girl,” he confessed quietly as his eyes stayed locked on an arbitrary spot across the room. He wiped wearily at the water that leaked out the edge of his eyes.

“Yeah…I figured as much,” Brooke sighed just as quietly.

He shook his head. “I didn’t want to. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t get her out of my head. There has to be a girl out there somewhere who can make me forget, but…she wasn’t the one.”

“You know, maybe that’s not the best route to take to forget Nathan. Sex with random girls…I’m thinking that’s not going to do it.”

He looked back searching her eyes for answers. “What is?” he honestly begged her.

Brooke shook her head, shrugging at a loss for words. “I wish I had a good answer for that. I wish I had a magic pill I could give you Nathan to make it better. I don’t. Time…that’s about all I can offer. Sorry, I know that’s a sucky answer.”

He rubbed a tired hand through his hair, blowing out long ragged breaths. “It…I didn’t even enjoy it. It wasn’t the same.” His face grew serious as he continued to stare at Brooke. “I never cheated on Haley. Not once. I never even wanted to.” Brooke shook her head with a small smile, patting at the back of his hand. “I know you didn’t,” she softly agreed.

She was fighting her own tears. Never in her life did she imagine she’d be comforting a broken hearted Nathan Scott. She should have found it ironic, and funny. It was anything but.

“It wasn’t the same,” he repeated. “She was so…quiet,” he finally decided looking at Brooke distastefully. “Haley wasn’t quiet. She could get so loud,” he chuckled, wiping at his increasingly watering eyes again. “She was so…appreciative or into it or…I can’t find the word right now. God our sex was crazy sometimes,” he whispered wistfully.

“I’m thinking we’re getting into the TMI territory again,” Brooke said with a little laugh.

Nathan smiled slightly but continued. “You remember that gay guy, William, that lived next door to us? I swear one night, he knocked on the door and told me to tell her to keep it down. He said, ‘I don’t know what you’re doing to her, but A - it’s keeping me awake and B – it’s making me jealous as hell, so stop it!’,” Nathan mocked breaking out in a hushed laugh. “God…I can’t believe as drunk as I am I remember that like it just happened. I never told Haley. She would have totally freaked. She and William were always gossiping about the neighbors. I’m sure she had no idea he was telling all of them about her. I know he was, ‘cause sometimes the guys that lived around us would look at her like they were wondering if they could make her make those sounds,” he growled agitated at the memory. “Stupid pricks. Like anybody but me could do that to her,” he said with a haughty scoff. “Damn she was good in bed.”

“And with that little detail, I think you need to go to sleep,” Brooke said with a small laugh, giving his hand another squeeze before she tried to release it. He clutched her hand tighter. He held her eyes, not bothering to wipe at his tears that despite his light words, were still streaming down his face.

“I need her Brooke. I don’t know how to keep going without her…I need her.”

“I know Nathan…I know. You’ll find your way in time.” She swatted away the tear that escaped down her cheek.

“Brooke…thanks for everything. You guys gave me a great birthday. You and Greg have been really great friends to me. Thanks.”

Brooke snatched a tissue from the box on the nightstand, dabbing at his wet cheeks. She leaned down pressing a soft kiss to his forehead, brushing a soothing hand through his hair. “You’re welcome.”

She crawled in the bed next to Greg, curling herself as snugly into his warm body as she could get it, resting her tired head against his shoulder. She quickly wiped at the tears that escaped down her cheeks. She pulled Greg in tighter. She couldn’t get close enough. He wrapped his arms around her dropping kisses on her head as he stoked lightly over her back.

“Is he going to be okay?” he hesitantly asked.

“No. He’s not going to be okay for a long time.”

Chapter 26

“You’d think they’d of put the law dorm a little closer to the library considering law students spend half their life in there,” Matt laughed as he adjusted the stack of Haley’s books he was trying to balance as he trudged up the stairs behind her.

“I know what you mean,” she laughed in return. “I kind of like the exercise though. By the time I get from one place to the other I’ve usually got my mind settled on a plan of attack. My arms are worn out, but my mind’s right,” she laughed again. She balanced her own stack on her thigh as she dug through her jacket pocket for her room key.

“Just set them on the table,” she said moving to hang her jacket up as Matt set his stack beside hers. “You want a drink? I’ve got a couple of beers…I think,” she mumbled stooping to peer into her little refrigerator. “Coke…water?”

“Coke sounds good.” Matt tossed his own jacket over the back of the chair before settling into it.

His eyes drifted around her room. He’d been there before, briefly, usually waiting in the door while she gathered her things. He’d rarely been invited in for a real visit. They did their visiting in the library or the cafeteria or wherever he could “accidentally” happen upon her.

The décor was pretty limited. A couple of Clint Eastwood posters, a few stuffed animals, there weren’t many photographs. There was one of Greg in his Patriot jersey. He had it framed and autographed it, sending it to her for her birthday as a joke before her real present showed up the next day. She thought it was hysterical, setting it in the middle of her shelves so she could show it off to anyone that happened by her room. It never failed to impress. There was another photo of Haley, Peyton, and Brooke grinning from ear to ear, beers in their hands, arms linked around each other. It looked to be a few years old in a hotel lobby somewhere he surmised. He took in the oversized Tarheel jersey practically swallowing Haley’s body. His mouth twisted a bit annoyed at the thought it was Nathan’s. Must have been the championship he sniffed.

He tried to hide the sigh when he saw the same jersey hanging rumpled over the back of her desk chair. He almost rolled his eyes when he saw the gray Tarheel basketball hoodie laying on the edge of her bed. He knew it had ‘Scott’ stamped on the front of it. He’d seen her wear it enough in the last year to have every stain on it memorized. It seemed to be part of her permanent apparel last year. The baggy hoodie hanging limply around her, her somber face, her hair swept up in a permanent ponytail and no make-up that was the Haley uniform the past year.

He couldn’t figure it out. They broke up. He never had the nerve to ask, but she dumped him if the gossip he’d heard was correct. Why the hell did she keep wearing his shit? He kept looking…at least there weren’t any pictures of the jackass. Thank God he didn’t have to look at his cocky assed smirk while he was there.

“Here you go.” Haley sat in the middle of her bed folding her legs under herself chugging from a bottle of water. “How’s your contracts paper coming?”

“Slow. For some reason contracts is biting my ass. I don’t know what it is.”

“Dr. Witherspoon,” Haley laughed. “He’s the one biting your ass. I had him last semester for torts. Oh my god, I thought he was going to be the death of me. I ended up with an A, but I swear I don’t know how. I was so glad when I got Barber for contracts. The paper’s a pain, but at least his lectures make some sense. Witherspoon is all over the place.”

Matt smiled as he listened to her laugh so relaxed.

“You seem…so much…I don’t know…better I guess. Happier the last few months. A lot better this year Haley,” Matt gently noted.

Haley bit lightly at the corner of her mouth. She shrugged with a small smile. “I am. I am a lot better. A lot better,” she emphasized with a little laugh.

“Can I be nosy and ask what the difference is? I mean all of last year you seemed…depressed I guess. You looked tired and just so…down all the time. And since summer or at least through most of last semester anyway, you just seem like your old self. You look so much better and your spirits seem up. It’s nice to see Haley,” Matt smiled sincerely over at her.

“Thanks Matt…I think. I didn’t realize I looked as bad as I felt. I must have looked like hell huh?” she laughed. “I was definitely in a bad place last year. Honestly…I wasn’t completely sure I’d be back this year, but my friends and my family kind of…had an…intervention of sorts I guess you could say. It was the best thing that could have happened. If I’d done it sooner I wouldn’t…well,” she smiled shaking her head with a short sigh, “anyway I am much much better. Thank you for noticing.”

“Well, whatever they did I’m glad. It’s good to have you back Haley.”

Haley tucked her hair behind her ear with another smile. She didn’t want to continue with this topic. “So…let me show you what I’ve done so far for my paper,” she said a bit flustered by his continued smile her direction. “I need another pair of eyes on this last part. I’m not really sure it makes sense.”

She set her laptop at the edge of her desk, scrolling through files till she found her contracts paper. “Come look,” she instructed scooting down her bed so he could sit beside her. “Read the last couple of pages. Is it complete drivel?” She turned the screen so he could see it better.

Sitting next to Haley at a library table was enough to set Matt on edge. Sitting next to her on her bed had things below his waist tingling at the nearness. He could smell her hair. It smelled like…candy or apples or…whatever it was, it smelled damn enticing he knew that.

“Umm,” he stumbled clearing his throat. “Let me read it again. It umm…it’s good actually. You might rethink the last couple of paragraphs. They seemed to change topics a bit from the previous few. But…,” he cleared his throat a little harsher this time. Haley’s brow knotted at the strong sound.

“You alright?”

“Oh…yeah, fine. Just a tickle. It’s really good Haley.”

“You think? I’ll review that last part like you said. I think I was half asleep when I wrote it,” she chuckled. “Thanks for the second opinion.”

“Sure,” Matt smiled back. His eyes drifted to her smiling lips. He swallowed hard licking lightly across his own lips. “Haley,” he swallowed hard again. “Would you go out with me sometime? I mean…you know…like out on a date…to a movie or to eat or something?” He was going to have to let go of that breath he was holding really soon or he was going to pass out.

“Oh! Oh…gosh Matt,” Haley twisted at the ends of her hair all a dither. “I…gosh…okay…I guess…I mean…umm…sure okay, that sounds…that sounds good. Sure.” She finally managed to stumble to a stop. What in the world had she just gotten herself into she instantly began to obsess.

She stood in front of the mirror. She put her hair up, she put her hair down, up, down, up, down…down she finally decided with an annoyed sigh, running a brush through it again. Her bed was full of discarded clothes. It seemed she’d tried on everything in her closet. Things were too…just too…too. She was ready to scream!

“No,” she muttered when she looked at the last outfit. Jeans and a tank top with a shirt over the top, how bad could that be? She tugged up at the scoop in the top. It was too loose, and if she bent over things were going to…show. She whipped it over her head slinging it into the pile with a frustrated huff. “God…what are you doing?” she whined to herself. “Are you nuts - Matt Turner - God Nathan would have a shit fit,” she continued to mumble as she tugged an oversized sweater over her head. She fluffed at the shoulders. “There…much better,” she smiled pleased when she observed herself in the mirror in the formless sweater.

They were still laughing about the movie when they got back to her dorm room. The date was simple. A little dinner at a deli not far from campus, a movie, and a quick stop for coffee afterwards. Simple and non-romantic…she was thankful.

“Okay, so I’m thinking Matthew McConaughey may never be Oscar worthy, but I mean really…do I care? He’s hot, that’s the most important thing. Did you see those muscles? He can wrap those ripped arms around me any day.” Haley laughed harder at Matt’s snort.

“All brawn no brains I’m sure,” Matt chuckled.

“Nothing wrong with brawn,” Haley grinned in reply.

Haley tossed her purse on the desk, shrugging out of her jacket. Matt stood shifting on his feet just inside the door, his hands pushed into his coat pockets. Haley was almost afraid to turn around. She tried not to openly sigh, the awkward part was about to begin. Dating sucked.

“You can come in you know. Take your coat off, it gets hot in here sometimes,” she smiled doing her best to sound welcoming.

Matt gave her a slight smile moving further into the room, he shut the door behind him. He hung his coat over the back of a chair. He was doing his best not to appear nervous as well. It was like a dream come true. Alone in a room, with Haley, how many times had he dreamt about that? He fidgeted with the change in his pocket before he realized how nervous he must appear and leaned against her desk stretching his legs out in front of him doing his best to keep a relaxed smile on his face.

“Thanks for the movie and dinner Matt. It was really nice to get out.”

“It was good to get out. I hope you had fun. Sometimes it feels like all I do is keep my nose buried in the books.”

“I know what you mean,” she agreed with a nervous laugh. “I did…I did have fun.” She was desperately trying to stop her skittish movements. He’s going to think I have some sort of medical issue her head groaned as she tied her wriggly fingers together, resting them against her legs that were stretched in front of her where she leaned against her dresser opposite Matt.

The silence was making her ever more anxious. Matt gave her another happy smile. She laughed lightly; she figured it was better than the scream she was seriously considering cutting loose with.

“Well, I guess I better get going. Early class.”

“Okay,” Haley smiled trying not to sound relieved. “Me too.”

She grabbed up his coat carrying it with her, following him to the door. He turned back to her before opening the door pulling her into a modest hug.

“Thanks for going Haley,” he said softly. He leaned back a little, his hands still around her waist smiling down at her; he brushed a stray hair from her face.

Haley sucked in a small breath before tilting her face up to his. “Thanks for asking.”

His eyes never left hers, watching for the stop signal, as he leaned his lips slowly toward hers. She never gave it. She gulped. His lips landed gently against hers. He applied light pressure desperately hoping to feel her return pressure. He did. She pushed back against his with the slightest of pressure.

She could feel her legs getting wobbly. Her mind was a flood of jumbled thoughts. The foremost being - she was cheating. We’re not together, she harshly reminded herself as Matt moved his lips with more force against hers. Yeah - because of your stupidity her mind quickly pointed out. She opened her mouth wider with Matt’s. He’s gone on with his life. He’s happy now, the one side argued. Her hand eased up his chest and behind his neck, her fingers traced through his hair. His tongue slid across her lips waiting for a sign. She gave it, letting her tongue flick out to tease his to follow it back into her mouth. He blew a heavy sigh against her lips as his tongue happily played with hers. He would be outraged at what you’re doing, and especially who you’re doing it with, the other side tapped vigorously at her again.

She moaned into his kiss…any noise to drown out the devil angel smackdown going on in her head right now.

Her brain completely flat lined.

She couldn’t figure out why he was going so slow. His kiss was good, it was warm and wet and pretty damn sexy, but what was his deal? He’d usually have her backed up against the wall by now, his lips sucking down her neck, his hand groping under her shirt, and over her butt. His hands were usually all but mauling her by now. God, he’d normally have her bra unhooked at least, grumbling about what a damn pain they were. His hands would be working open the closures on her pants…god…he should be grinding himself against her. She loved that…why wasn’t he grinding…she wanted to feel him. She loved how hard he got.

And where were those dirty little whisperings he always left hot against her ear. The ones where he told her all the little things he was going to do to her, the ones where he told her what he wanted her to do to him. The ones that made her moan out. The ones he knew got her so hot she’d starting jerking his clothes off, help him strip her quickly out of her own. What was his problem?

She took his head forcefully between her hands, thrusting her tongue deep into his mouth, pushing his back against the door. She couldn’t take this gentle crap right now. Matt groaned low at the impatient advances. His fingers tangled through her hair, his hand grappled at her waist trying to keep her close, as his mouth did battle with hers.

She wrenched her mouth free sucking wet kisses down his neck, her tongue left long wet lines across his throat, she nibbled at his pounding pulse point. She pushed her body harder against his, grinding herself against the erection she could feel protruding against her. She couldn’t help smiling at the panting her appetite was eliciting from him.

“I want you,” she mumbled against his mouth she was ravaging again. “God Nathan…I want you so bad baby.” Matt sucked in a harsh breath at her words. He was fighting to focus against her continued kisses, against the way her soft hands had worked up under his shirt, her nails scraping seductively around his chest. Maybe it was his imagination he tried to tell himself. He couldn’t think straight. She felt so good. It all felt so good.

Her mind grew confused by his sudden lack of movement, it didn’t slow her. He was stilling against the wall while her mouth worked over his jaw and down his neck again. She was fighting to get his shirt up. He was weakly trying to stop her. She won. Her mouth was on his chest, licking, and biting, and sucking wet kisses over it.

He heard her wrong. He was certain he must have heard her wrong. His hands groped into her butt pulling her tighter against his hardness. He began to grind against her. She moaned loud at the wanted sensations. His head fell back against the door matching her moans.

“That’s it baby…you know that’s what I want,” she panted out as her head fell away, a smile on her lips as she moved with him. “That feels so good Nathan…don’t stop…god Nath…,” she moaned loudly before she tried to take his mouth again. He roughly ripped his mouth away. He was fighting to catch his breath, trying to grab her hands that wouldn’t stop moving over him.

“Haley,” he gasped in a deep breath. “Haley…stop,” he called louder finally getting a firm hold of her wrists. “Stop!” His chest was pounding trying to catch some air. His hands slid quickly up her arms; keeping a tight grip on her, he pushed some space between them.

Haley shook her head confused by the sudden change. She wiped the wild hairs from her face, her glazed over eyes sought out his. He closed them trying to concentrate on recapturing his breath.

She sucked in her own long breaths. She could feel her face flooding with embarrassment, she was certain it must be a perfect crimson it was so hot. She rubbed a hand over her face stepping further away. “I’m sorry…I guess I got a little crazy, I’m so sorry Matt.” She moved back to the middle of the room, tugging to straighten her clothes, running her hands through her hair trying to fix what mess she knew must be there.

Matt blew out a long ragged breath. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking several times still trying to clear his head. He brushed a hand over his shirt fixing it back in place, tugging lightly at the waist of his pants. He laid his head back against the door blowing another long breath.

“I’m so sorry,” Haley repeated. “I…I don’t know what got into me. God I’m sorry,” she weakly apologized again.

“Nathan,” Matt stated uneven. Opening his eyes he finally looked at her.

“What?” Haley slowly replied stupefied.

“That’s what…or rather who, got into you.” She shook her head bewildered. “You called me Nathan, Haley.” She shook her head faster in hostile disagreement; her eyes grew wild with agitation. Why would he say such a thing? “Yes, you did. You called me Nathan, more than once.”

“No…I…no Matt…I couldn’t have…I mean…I didn’t. I’m sure I didn’t.” She practically begged him to take it back.

“Yeah, you did Haley.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, grabbing up his coat from the floor. “I thought it was over with him? I thought you were the one who broke up with him?”

“I did,” she barely mumbled. She was desperately trying to recall what she’d just done. Had she really called him Nathan? How freaking embarrassing! She wanted to run from the room, smack herself in the head. God what a total idiot!

“I don’t know what to say then Haley. You’re making a move on one guy, but calling him by another guy’s name…that’s umm…that’s a little tough on the old ego there Haley. I know you were with him a long time. Even if you did break up with him, I guess it still takes a while to move on. You’d think a year and a half would be enough, but…I guess not,” he shrugged shaking his head.

He was fighting to keep the annoyance and complete frustration out of his voice. He wasn’t sure he was succeeding. He could tell by the mortified expression that her face still held she genuinely felt bad. She truly had no clue what she said, he was sure of that. It didn’t do a thing to make it better.

“I’m sorry Matt. I don’t know what to say. I’m totally embarrassed. I had no idea. I don’t remember saying anything actually,” she sighed running another agitated hand through her hair. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too” he sighed. “I guess just ‘cause you break up with someone doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over huh? I’ll see you around Haley.” He moved quickly out the door before she could get another word out.

No matter how hard she tried she couldn’t clear her head of the night. She crawled under her covers, clad in her jersey per normal. She briefly glanced down at it as if seeing it for the first time in a long time. She wore it almost every night. She pulled it to her nose breathing deeply. She couldn’t smell him any more. She hadn’t been able to for a long time.

She lay in the middle of her bed staring blankly at the ceiling. She tried to recall. He was kissing her; she was getting turned on…she pushed it because he wasn’t being aggressive enough. When she and Nathan had each other against a wall, it usually got…well, it got kind of nutty actually. It was like they couldn’t control themselves.

She sat up in the dark reaching for the gray sweatshirt she knew was lying at the end of her bed. She wrapped her arms around it nestling her head back into her pillow. She breathed deep into the sweatshirt. She couldn’t smell him there anymore either. She hadn’t been able to for a long time. Too long. She hugged it tighter. In her mind he was smiling, slowly lifting it from her body…she breathed out a long sigh at the memories. Her eyes finally fluttered closed, she so wanted him to make love to her right now.

She was certain she was going to lose her mind if she read one more word. She’d read and re-read it a hundred times, about the ninety-ninth time it had begun to make a little sense. She questioned her desire to be a lawyer yet again. Being a Wal-Mart greeter was looking better every day.

She glanced at the clock; it was pushing one in the morning. She hadn’t been to sleep before two in weeks, why should tonight be any different. She couldn’t stop the yawns tonight though, one more cup of coffee and she might just make it till two again.

She turned on the television, she needed something mindless to look at for a few minutes, and nothing was more mindless than television at one in the morning, flipping past endless infomercials, and countless commercials with big breasted, breathless women urging you to call and…talk. Oh yeah, I’m sure the person on the other end of the phone looks just like you – a two hundred pound grandmother from Toledo more like it she thought moving further up the dial.

She stopped on ESPN. She normally avoided that channel like the plague. There was a day she thought that was the only channel her television picked up.

Football highlights…blah, blah, blah – who cares…except…New England won. Well what else was new she smiled. She watched the film role by, trying to get a glimpse of Greg. There rarely was one. The only shot of him she usually got was of his butt when they showed the quarterback with his hands up there. How crappy a job was that, having another grown man put his hands on your butt all the time. Yuck! Oh well, it paid good…real good.

She started to giggle recalling the last time she’d seen Greg featured in a highlight. He’d either moved too fast or the quarterback moved too slowly, but either way, Greg stepped on the quarterback’s foot causing him to stumble back and get plowed over by some overgrown defensive end from the Bills. She called and told him how great it was to finally see him featured on ESPN, and how much she could sympathize with the quarterback – it was just like when they danced together at their eighth grade graduation dance, and his big feet kept stomping all over hers. He wasn’t amused.

She grabbed her book off the table and the throw blanket off her bed, curling her feet under her, settling further into the cushy chair taking another sip of coffee trying to refocus on the book.

Basketball highlights. Her eyes drifted with apprehension from the book to the television. Mavericks, T-wolves…Magic, Lakers…Suns, Nets…there was Lucas. He made a three pointer. “Good for you Luke.” Celtics, Nuggets…and there he was. Pushing the ball up the court, as the announcer called it – looked more like dribbling to her, but whatever – passing to…somebody, who passed to somebody else, then back to Nathan who dribbled here, cut there…shot…ball goes in…he gets knocked on his butt.

She frowned when she saw him swat away the hand of the guy who knocked him over when he tried to help him up. She was pretty sure he just said ‘fuck off’. They really needed to kill those close ups.

He had nineteen points. That’s good. She frowned again when they put up his picture with his game stats next to it. It looked like a damn mug shot as far as she was concerned. Why couldn’t they use one with him smiling she sighed. She hit the off button on the remote.

She stared at the blank screen for several minutes before grabbing her phone off the table.

“Hello,” came the mumbled answer.

“Did I wake you?” she asked trying not to giggle.

“What time is it Haley? Don’t you ever sleep?” Peyton mumbled again.

“Did you get your dress in the mail?”

“You’re kidding right? Tell me you didn’t call me at…really late, to discuss the dress.”

“It’s pink,” Haley complained.

“Don’t let Brooke hear you call it pink. It’s…oh hell I forgot what she called it. Sounded like some name off a crayon,” Peyton laughed rolling over on her back, trying to rub some of the sleepiness from her eyes. “What are you really calling about?”

“That’s it. The dress. I just didn’t get around to calling you earlier. I can come to Charlotte on Saturday so we can go together to get them altered. Times quickly running out. Is that okay?”

“Sure, call me when you’re coming. Can you stay the night with us?”

“Umm, I don’t know. I’ll see how the studying looks by then. Probably. Has Jake gotten his tux yet?”

“No. We probably should take him with us so he can get sized. Brooke said to get him sized, send her the numbers, and she’d get a tux reserved for him at some place in Tree Hill so he didn’t have to haul it back and forth from Charlotte, which works for me.”

“So…,” Haley started hesitantly.

“So…no, he hasn’t changed his mind. He still refuses to be in the wedding.”

“I hate that. He should do it for Greg and Brooke at least. I mean if Greg wants him, he should do it don’t you think?”

“Of course I do, but he’s obviously pretty adamant about it.”

“It’s because of me.”

“Not to sound like a jerk, but yeah I’m pretty sure that’s it. He’d have to walk with you in the wedding, and then there’s the rehearsal. You two would pretty much be stuck together the whole weekend. I guess he figures it’s more than he wants to deal with. Don’t let it bother you Haley. It’s his problem not yours.”

“He’s going to see me anyway – unless he just doesn’t come at all. You don’t think he’ll just not come do you? I’d hate it if he did that, not come because of me. I mean he and Greg are friends and he’s known Brooke since forever and…”

“Haley! You’re rambling. If he doesn’t come, screw him. It’s pushing two years, he needs to move on.”

“Move on…move on, I hate that damn term ‘move on’,” Haley griped frustrated. “What the hell ‘move on’. How are we supposed to just ‘move on’ after…god! Move on. I hate that! Move on…,” she mocked again.

Peyton laid there rolling her eyes as Haley babbled on and on. They’d barely had a conversation in the past months where Nathan didn’t come up - either by name or implied. Haley may have instigated the breakup, but she hadn’t moved any further than Nathan.

Peyton’s conversations with Nathan on the other hand were…different. If she said Haley’s name he walked out or hung up. If she implied something about Haley…he walked out or hung up. He hadn’t moved an inch either. The wounds were as fresh as if they just happened yesterday. This wedding was going to be…a nightmare.

~~~~

Haley was trying for the third time to get that one stupid curl to stay pinned to Brooke’s ever moving head. “Crap Brooke, be still for just one second…there, finally,” she sighed grabbing up the hairspray to douse it all once more.

They were both in the bride’s room in the back of the church, Brooke in her bra and panties. There was something just not right about that Haley thought, only she was clad in the same, except she was forcing herself to wear those damn shoes Brooke had chosen for them. They were about ten inches high and were pinching the heck out of her feet. She hoped if she tromped around in them a while it might loosen them up. So far, it wasn’t working. She glanced sideways at herself in the mirror. Strapless bra, little panties, high heels…yeah, all she lacked was the stripper pole. She knew God must be rolling his eyes at the sight.

He was trying not to pace. If he paced, he might be seen. As it was, the artificial tree in the foyer of the church he was trying to discreetly lurk behind was providing adequate camouflage. He looked annoyed at his watch again. What good did it do to set a specific meeting time? That damn Lucas was always late for everything!

The foyer had temporarily emptied. He peeked out from behind the tree. Damn, they must have invited every person they knew. It was filling up in there. He glanced out the window. No Lucas, no Karen, no Keith, no parents. Gah! He groaned.

“Excuse me,” the young man huffed breathless as he came barreling into the church. “Are you with the wedding?” He blew out a hard breath, skidding to a halt in front of Nathan.

“Me?” Nathan asked flummoxed. “No…I…no I’m not with the wedding. I’m just here…for the wedding,” he stuttered. The guy looked like he was about to pop a vessel.

“Shoot!” the man puffed. “I’m with the florist. When we delivered the flowers this morning we forgot the bouquets. They got forgotten for three other weddings too. I need to get to the rest of my deliveries. Where is everybody with the wedding?” The poor guy was starting to sweat bullets. He wiped furiously at his head that swiveled from side to side.

“I…pfttt, you got me,” Nathan shrugged. The guy was beginning to make him nervous too.

“Can you take ‘em?”

“Me?” Nathan almost shrieked. “What the hell am I supposed to do with them?”

“Please man! You know who’s in the wedding, just find somebody and give ‘em the flowers,” he begged shoving the box into Nathan’s unwilling hands. “Thanks a ton man,” he threw back over his shoulder as he ran down the front steps of the church in a mad dash for his waiting van.

“But…but I…wait a minute!” he almost yelled before remembering where he was and growling it out instead. “Damn!” His eyes darted from side to side. He was in church…he better watch the language he quickly decided. He figured he was already tempting fate by being in a church to begin with. God may streak a few lightening bolts his direction when he reviewed the way Nathan had been leading his life lately. He cringed at the thought.

He tapped at the box of flowers, trying to figure out which way to turn with them. He was about to go hunt down an usher when Peyton came shuffling into the foyer.

“Peyton! Thank God. The florist just left these. He said he forgot them earlier.” Nathan tried to push the box at her. Peyton made no effort to take them. “Take ‘em!” he ordered.

Peyton peered into the box. Hallelujah she inwardly smiled. Brooke was about to turn gray headed worrying about what happened to them. “Give them to Brooke,” she sniffed trying to ease past him.

“I don’t know where Brooke is! You give them to her,” he puffed shoving the box against her arms that still hung limply at her sides.

“Down the hall,” she pointed nonchalant behind her. “The door that says ‘Bride’s Room’, she’s in there. I have to do something. Go!” she snapped when Nathan continued to stand there staring increasingly annoyed.

“Peyton,” he growled low. She shrugged moving away from him. She almost laughed out loud when she saw him tap on the door. Haley was still in her underwear. This should be good; she smiled watching from the other end of the hall.

Haley pulled the cork out of the wine, filling two goblets. “You know this is already opened?”

“I know. My mother and Greg’s mother were in here earlier. They both drained a glass,” Brooke said fiddling with her make-up. “I think my mother’s met her drinking soul mate in Mrs. Lowry.” She dabbed a small bit of perfume on her neck. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was just about time to get dressed. She just needed a little nip to knock the edge off her nerves.

“Is this not weird to anyone but me? We’re standing around in our underwear in a church drinking wine…does that seem normal to you?” Haley laughed pushing the cork back into the bottle.

“Yeah,” Brooke spoke up when she heard the light rap at the door.

Nathan turned the knob easing the door wider. He took one big step across the threshold where he saw Brooke sitting in a chair facing the mirror. He immediately saw her bra clad chest reflecting back at him. He rolled his eyes. Only Brooke would sit around a church half naked. “Here,” he grumbled shoving the box her direction.

“Thank God!” she wailed leaping up from her chair.

“What?” Haley jumped wailing as well. Nathan’s head shot to the side the voice had come from; his eyes rapidly went down her backside, quickly focusing in on her hardly covered butt. He bit back the gasp. Brooke bit back the laugh. He so obviously was having flashbacks. Brooke grinned despite herself.

Haley turned holding both glasses of wine aloft. Her eyes flew open with shock; her small step forward left the heel of her shoe stuck in the carpet causing her ankle to turn and sending her awkwardly stumbling forward, one glass of wine flying one direction, the other sloshing into a splattered mess - down her sparsely covered chest.

His arms shot out to catch her mid-stumble, the flowers were sent bouncing to the floor. He held her arms tight, quickly adjusting her into an upright position. She couldn’t tear her eyes from his face, nor remove the broad smile from her lips. He was actually there, in the flesh, right in front of her, touching her. It took everything in her not to fling her arms around his neck and squeeze her body against his.

He could feel his blood pressure soaring, feel the fire on his face. His throat was stricken desert dry. His eyes were darting everywhere. Anything to keep from looking at her, at that beautiful smile she was giving him right now. They went left, they went right…oh god they went down…and there was her chest…wet…the wine streaking in incredibly alluring ways down her perfectly shaped breasts. He couldn’t help the instant thoughts of licking her clean. They’d done that plenty of times…let liquids or whatever spill down her breasts so he could do just that…lick it off. It turned her on, and heaven knows it did him.

He gulped. He tried looking away, only the further down he looked…all he saw was her warm flesh, until he came to the panties that were barely covering her, and then her toned legs…and god she was wearing heels! Bra, panties…and heels! And shit…it was all freaking pink!

Okay…he was certain now - God was pissed at him, like really really pissed. He did this on purpose! He’d intentionally caused her to trip so he’d be forced to catch her scantily clad body. He was torturing him. Thanks loads man he grumbled to God, releasing the grip he suddenly realized he still had on her arms.

“Hi,” Haley softly breathed out. She didn’t bother to wipe away the mess on herself. She didn’t know she had a mess on herself. She didn’t even know she was barely dressed any more. She only saw Nathan before her, looking more gorgeous than she ever remembered. She wanted to hug him, smother his face in kisses.

His eyes briefly flit emotionless across hers before he turned to Brooke who was standing in only a bra and panties, her arms folded across her stomach, a wide smirk pressed across her lips. This was so great!

He quickly squat, roughly throwing the discarded bouquets back in the box. Standing, he shoved them at Brooke, “They just brought ‘em,” he muttered turning, all but sprinting through the door he’d flung wide.

Brooke rolled her eyes. “Jackass.”

Haley stared dejected at the closed door, blowing a long silent breath across her lips. “Well, that went well,” she quietly sighed.

“He checked you out,” Brooke snickered. He also acted like a jerk she wanted to add, but figured why state the obvious.

“What?” Haley snapped at Brooke’s ridiculous comment. Brooke quirked an eyebrow her way moving her eyes rapidly up and down Haley’s body. Haley’s brow knit in irritation glancing down. Her gasp almost sucked all the air out of the room.

“Oh shit! I mean shoot! Brooke!” She whined loudly. “Why didn’t you say something instead of letting me stand there half naked in front of him?”

“I don’t know,” Brooke shrugged with a broad smile, spinning and dropping back in her chair. She checked her hair once more. “He liked the view, I figured why ruin it. You umm…you might want to clean up a little before you get dressed, which we really need to do by the way. This is my day let’s not forget. You can deal with jackass after the ‘I do’s’.”

Haley looked down at herself again. “For God’s sake!” she grit moving quickly to the little bathroom to get some paper towels. “He catches me in a church, in my underwear, and my boobs are covered with wine…just great…just freaking great!” She continued to grumble as she harshly wiped away the liquid.

Peyton kept her head bowed a finger across her lip pretending to be deep in thought as she tried to slip back across the foyer. Nathan was stomping her direction. His face was flushed and…uh ohh…he was pissed. She tried to ignore him, dodging in and out between the other people in the foyer trying to keep them between her and Nathan. He wouldn’t let her. He grabbed her arm firmly in his hand pulling her into his side.

“I hope to hell you have a will made out ‘cause I’m going to kill you,” he growled furiously in her ear.

Peyton tried not to smile, but couldn’t stop it. They’d threatened to kill each other so many times since they were little she couldn’t keep count any longer. She met his fury with a small smile. “Still looks hot in pink doesn’t she?”

“Nathan,” Lucas waved a hand at him. Nathan narrowed his eyes at Peyton. He started to say more, but dropped her arm with a huff and stomped on.

“What’s wrong with you?” Lucas asked looking Nathan’s flushed face up and down. “You look like you’re about to wig out. What’s the deal?”

“Nothing,” Nathan snapped. “You’re late. You’re always freaking late Lucas! Why can’t you get anywhere on time! I swear…”

“Whoa, chill out man. Jeez what crawled up your butt? I’m here lets go park it. Mom and the rest are already in there. Calm down,” Lucas said continuing to stare perplexed at Nathan’s flustered expression. “Man,” he shook his head, lightly grabbing Nathan’s arm tugging him along.

They were sitting at the end of an aisle. He glanced their way as he moved toward his seat, they glanced his. She smiled and winked at him. He grinned back. It was like they were a magnet. She couldn’t help but stand and envelope Nathan in a strong hug. He squeezed her just as tightly. She popped a quick kiss on his cheek, using her thumb to wipe away the red stain she left just as quickly. “I love you and I miss you,” she whispered patting softly at his cheek. “Me too,” he hoarsely whispered back. He reached across her when she sat down to shake his hand. He gripped Nathan’s firmly between his, giving them a hearty squeeze. They both smiled. God how he missed the James.

They all made it through the ceremony. Brooke was as stunning as expected. And Greg had the whole church holding their collective breaths, and dabbing at their eyes when he got so choked up saying his vows he could barely speak.

Haley couldn’t help but glow with pride that her match making had ended so beautifully. If she could just get Jake shoved down the aisle with Peyton her mission would be complete. Jake assured her it would happen…just not yet. Stop being so damn pushy he would complain every time she brought it up. Peyton was happy the way things were too so bug off he’d tell her. Well, at least things were working out for somebody she’d sigh to herself. She always thought she was the stable one of the trio. If any of them was going to screw up their life it certainly wasn’t going to be her she knew that. She sure didn’t know much.

Nathan wanted to skip the reception, skip town, just skip it all, but Lucas was emphatic he come. Was he a man or a mouse? “A mouse,” he grumped as he slumped along beside his older brother.

It was painful to watch her. He tried not to, tried to keep his eyes diverted toward anything but her. He couldn’t help himself. The photographer was snapping picture after picture and she was smiling and laughing and just so damn…Haley. Just like her old self. She was fine…without him. It hurt.

Haley wanted to approach him. She kept cutting her eyes his direction. She knew where he was in that crowded room at all times. He was smiling and laughing like he didn’t have a care in the world. He was fine…without her. And now…NOW - he was dancing with her damn mother! Son of a bitch didn’t that just damn figure she huffed out shaking her head. Mom always liked him better.

“Care to dance?” the deep voice came from behind her. She turned startled by the intrusion into her thoughts. It was Dan. She smiled.

“I believe I would, thank you very much,” she beamed letting him lead her out to the dance floor. Let’s just see how he likes this she sniffed to herself.

Given the cold reception she received earlier…he wasn’t going to give a shit. She tried not to openly pout.

She kept watching, barely listening to whatever Dan was babbling on about. He was still grinning at her mother. Bitch! She was officially jealous of her own mother. Lord how far had she fallen.

Nathan saw his father swaying to the music with her. She was just smiling away. Fucking figures he snit to himself.

She was going to talk to him by god! Although… she was more than reluctant to approach him, especially when she knew half the room would be watching their encounter. She’d watch…and wait till she could get him alone even if it meant chasing him down in the parking lot.

And there was her chance.

She watched him go out the doors toward the terrace. She gulped down one more glass of champagne. Her fourth, and she didn’t even like champagne, but she needed something to loosen her up, give her some courage.

She grabbed another glass, took a deep breath and headed for the door he’d just gone through.

The night air was cool. He was the only one out there, standing with his hands shoved down in his pockets like always, staring off the terrace onto the golf course below. One, two, three…four…five…six…god just go she griped at herself.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were avoiding me,” she said with a small laugh as she walked up behind him. She saw his entire body stiffen before her. He didn’t respond.

He knew she was coming. He’d heard the door close and the slow clicks of her shoes on the bricks as she approached him from behind. He had closed his eyes taking a long deep breath, hoping against hope that she’d change her mind and turn back before she reached him. It hadn’t happened.

“Maybe you know more than you think,” came his lifeless response.

“Oh, so you were avoiding me.” She was trying to keep her voice light and unaffected.

“Pretty much.”

“Sorry, I found you anyway,” she said with another little laugh. Nothing.

This was going to be like pulling teeth without Novocain. “So…that was a beautiful wedding wasn’t it?”

“It was very nice.”

“Brooke was absolutely stunning wasn’t she?”

“Yes, Brooke looked beautiful.”

“Greg looked handsome too.”

“I’ll take your word for it. I have no comment on Greg’s appearance.”

“Well he looked handsome,” she laughed. “No comment on the bridesmaids either?”

He was going to be sweating through his suit soon. Being this close to her, trying to make idle conversation was painful as hell. He wished she would just go back inside. Forget he’d seen her barely clothed, it was hard as hell sitting in the church looking at her standing up there smiling. As far as he was concerned she was the stunning one, the bride didn’t even compare to her.

“The bridesmaids were…very nice. They were beautiful actually. What is it you want Haley?” he bit, finally looking down at her. God she was pretty. He could see the apprehension, the fear fill her eyes. She was biting lightly at the corner of her mouth. He knew next she’d start tucking her hair. He wanted to soften for her, but he couldn’t let himself. Having her near him made him feel raw all over.

She was momentarily taken back by his angry tone. “I just want to talk to you Nathan. See how you are,” she said placing her hand lightly on his arm. He flinched it away, folding his arms across himself. She held back the defeated sigh. “How…everything’s going. Just talk to you.”

He let go a long sigh, blowing out a shaky breath. “I’m fine. Life’s just great. How ‘bout you Hales? How’s law school? How’s Chapel Hill these days? How’s just every little thing huh?” he snapped glaring at her with fury in his eyes.

“Let’s not do this this way Nathan. We can be civil to each other. Please. I just want to talk to you. I…I miss talking to you Nathan.”

“Yeah,” he snorted. “I’ve always been known as a hell of a conversationalist. Talking…definitely one of my strong suits.” His jaw set hard with his tight smile, his eyes bore into hers. “You want to talk…great…let’s talk.”

“Nathan…come on. We can do better than this.” She was working overtime at keeping the desperation out of her voice.

“Okay. You want better. Alright…let’s see. How’s law school?”

She closed her eyes taking a short breath; she was just going to pretend he meant it. “It’s…hard. I like it though. It’s really interesting and challenging. I really like it, and the summers I’ve spent working for your father have been an invaluable asset. It’s amazing how much doing that has helped.”

“Good,” he said through a less than sincere smile. “I’m just so glad you like it. And I’m especially glad my wonderful father has done something good for a fucking change. Oops sorry – that probably wasn’t the proper way to put that was it? Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” she smiled. She knew he was just being a sarcastic ass, but she was going to keep pretending otherwise hoping it would rub off.

“Your turn.”

“Okay…how’s basketball? You still like the Celtics? I mean are the pros what you thought it would be?”

“I asked you one question. That was three. You’re not taking turns very well.” She giggled. He winced. No matter how hard he tried to hate her, that damn sound still flooded his body with pleasure.

“I’ll pick one then. Do you still like the Celtics?”

It was like discussing the weather with someone at the bus stop. They never talked like this. So stilted, so formal. Hell, they had more personal conversation when he picked her off the floor than they were having now.

He shook his head with a short sigh. She wasn’t going to give up. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could play along. “Yeah I do. Boston’s colder than a mother fu…than…I like, but the teams good. I like the other players and the coaches are okay, and we’re winning for the most part.”

“I know,” she smiled. “You’re doing really great Nathan.” He briefly held her eyes before shaking away. It sounded like she was keeping track. He should be annoyed by the news, but it made his heart jump just the slightest bit, and he hated himself for the reaction.

“I have the internet; I read the paper…even the sports section.” He turned a disbelieving frown her way. She smiled. “Okay, maybe not the whole section, but someone taught me how to read a box score a long time ago, and I check it out. I’ve even been thinking of joining a fantasy basketball league.”

“Right,” he rolled his eyes trying not to smile at the sheer ridiculousness of it. She giggled again.

“Your turn,” she smiled feeling just a tad more relaxed. She’d feel better when he dropped his arms from where they still laid folded tightly across his chest. He wasn’t going to give in easily. She hadn’t expected him to. She was surprised and grateful he was still standing there.

Several long sighs later he glanced her way. She still had a small smile on her lips. She seemed to be enjoying this. He wasn’t sure if it was because she actually did enjoy it, or she was relishing torturing the hell out of him. She couldn’t possibly not tell that he was completely uncomfortable.

“You’ve lost weight,” he quietly murmured. His eyes swept her body. “And you did something to your hair.”

She bit harder into her lip. He actually saw her when he looked at her. It warmed her heart. It gave her hope despite her best efforts to not allow it. His arms were still folded.

“I lightened it a little,” she softly responded. “I’m not going blonde though,” she giggled. “I refuse to go that far. And yeah, I have lost a few pounds.”

“It’s more than a few. You turn into one of those girls that only eat celery and a leaf of lettuce at every meal?”

He dropped his arms, pushing his hands into his pockets again. She smiled.

“No, I have been trying to eat better, and take vitamins, and I’ve been running. A lot more than the one or two miles I used to barely eek out. So here you have me about ten pounds lighter.”

“That’s way too many. The curves were better,” he grimaced slightly at the personal admission he’d let slip out. He focused on his shoes for a moment. “Eat a little more crap. What happened to the girl that used to fight me for the last spoonful of everything?”

“She got help.”

His brow furrowed slightly at her words. He held her eyes before shaking his head and glancing back at his feet. “Good.”

“Peyton didn’t tell you?”

He shook his head again meeting her eyes with a small smile. “You’re uhh…you’re really not a topic I allow discussed.”

And pop, the air went whooshing out of the balloon. “Oh.”

He shifted uncomfortably on his feet. He stared over the terrace wall again. He wasn’t sure what to say. She got help. He felt a small pang of the old frustration. Frustration that he wasn’t the one to help her, frustration that she wouldn’t let him help her.

“You want to hear about it?” Her question was almost timid.

He wanted to scream no. He felt himself being pulled in. Pulled in to caring about her again. He almost chuckled at the absurdness of his thoughts. He knew he still cared about her, cared just as much as he ever did despite his best efforts not to. It was in those long nights when he lay staring wide eyed at the ceiling, unable to sleep, and unable to stop thinking about her that he knew. Knew he still loved her, still cared. And he still hated himself for it.

“Yeah, I would.”

“Okay,” she smiled relieved. “Can we sit down though? These shoes are a bite in the butt!” He chuckled.

“They match the dress though. They match the panties too…and the…,” he laughed at her gasp and didn’t bother to flinch from her hand he already knew was going to land with a swat against his arm.

“God!” she groaned. “How embarrassing was that?” He shrugged with the slightest smirk. She smiled. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was flirting with her. Don’t even pretend she quickly scolded herself.

She latched her hand onto his arm tugging his hand loose from his pocket; she slid her hand into his. She felt him give a small effort at pulling it free, but she just gripped him tighter and he relented, letting her lead him to one of the terrace benches.

“Well…let’s see where I should start. After I finished the first year,” she paused, releasing his hand she tangled her fingers in her lap shaking her head frustrated. “Frankly, I don’t know how I finished the year. I was alone. You…god,” she blew a light breath. “You were gone and so was everyone else.” He wanted to yell ‘I tried to tell you that!’, but forced it down. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Her eyes eased up toward his with an uneasy smile. “I know. You told me so,” she retorted with a bigger smile at the ticker tape she could see rolling across his brain. He sighed shaking his head and glancing away. “It’s okay Nathan, I’d be pissed too if I were you.”

“Go on.”

“I was going to stay in Chapel Hill last summer. Your Dad wanted me to come work in Charlotte, but I told him no. I figured maybe I’d take a class or get a job or I don’t know. I just couldn’t see going into an office every day. I could hardly get out of bed half the time. I went from sleeping for hours on end to staring for hours at the ceiling wide awake. I was so…ugh…it was crazy,” she huffed frustrated herself. Frustrated with herself. She ran an agitated hand over her hair.

He was fighting the urge to shake her. If she’d only listened!

“I’m sorry; I’m really dragging this out. Anyway, Peyton and Jake came up to see me at the beginning of summer. I could tell by the look on their faces I must have looked like complete crap. Jake…bless his heart, you know Jake’s a mild mannered guy, but he was sooo mad at me. I mean he was mad. He ranted and raved about how bad I looked, and what was I doing to myself, and why the bleepety bleep bleep didn’t I get some help until Peyton shoved him out the door and locked it behind him. Of course, per usual Haley, I started crying. I couldn’t stop. I was hysterical,” she said with a little laugh. “I mean I had a major meltdown. I cried forever it seemed. Poor Peyton, she was a wreck by the time I pulled it together. When I stopped crying she started. Let me tell you, it was quite the scene,” she said with another light laugh.

For the first time Nathan was glad he wasn’t there. He was certain Jake’s anger didn’t compare to what his would have been. He knew he would have only made it worse.

“I told Peyton I was going to quit school.”

“Hales.” Nathan’s voice was a gasped whisper. He instinctively reached a comforting hand for hers. She wrapped both of her small ones around his warm one. She shrugged embarrassed.

“Peyton went home and believe it or not, she called your mother.” Nathan was stunned. Deb never hinted to him in all this time she’d talked to Haley, that she’d talked about Haley. Nothing. Of course she also knew he wouldn’t have listened. Once again he felt a pang of guilt for letting Haley down.

“You’re kidding.”

“No, I’m not. Peyton told her what happened and they discussed it and…your mother called mine.” Nathan’s open mouth matched his astonished eyes.

“Our mothers are meddlers…thankfully,” she finished with a smile. He shook his head trying to clear the shock.

“Peyton and Jake hadn’t been gone forty-eight hours and I open the door to find my parents standing there. My father comes in, not one word said, and starts grabbing my clothes out of the closet. I’m freaking. My mothers throwing my stuff onto this…this cart thing they’d dragged in behind them. Still, they didn’t say a word. I’m yelling at them and of course, I’m starting to cry, and they’re ignoring me.” Nathan couldn’t help but chuckle. Haley quirked a confused eye his way.

“Sorry,” he chuckled again. “I can just see it. You’re parents crack me up. Sorry.”

“Oh they were a real hoot that day,” she sarcastically puffed. “After they had most of my stuff loaded up they sit calmly on the bed and my mother says, ‘We hear you’re quitting school. We just figured we’d save you the phone call and come get your things now.’ I told them I wasn’t for sure. I was just thinking about it and she says, ‘Well, we’ve decided, and you are. Let’s go.’ So of course, I start crying more and screaming about how I was too old for them to control my life and they couldn’t tell me what to do. If I quit, it was going to be my decision they couldn’t make me, blah, blah, blah. It was just complete insanity.” She shook her head. He could tell just talking about it was wearing her out.

“I’m sorry Haley,” he breathed softly. She gave him a little smile, squeezing his hand more firmly with hers. His face was awash with concern. She wanted to kiss it away.

“I umm…,” she stammered trying to clear the thoughts of his lips on hers. “I…so…anyway, finally my father got sick of listening to my mother and I bitch back and forth and he busts in with the ‘this is the way it’s going to go little girl. You’re coming home for the rest of the summer, you’re going to a counselor and get some damn help. This shit’s gone on long enough. And if you refuse, we’ll go to the dean, and tell him you’re mentally incompetent.’”

“Could they really have done that?”

“I don’t know. If they told him I was mentally incompetent it wouldn’t have necessarily meant I would have gotten thrown out I don’t think, but I’m sure they would have made me sound completely deranged. Who knows what crazy story they’d cook up. Put those two heads together and I’m sure they would have had him thinking I was going to be holding people hostage any day.”

“Don’t screw with Jimmy James huh?” He smiled a bit at her rolled eyes.

“It shouldn’t have come to that Nathan. If I had listened to you…I’m sorry.”

It was his turn to bite at his lip and glance away. He wanted to respond with the automatic ‘it’s okay’, but he refused. It wasn’t okay. Somehow he knew if he’d tried the strong arm treatment it wouldn’t have worked. She steadfastly refused his help, but took it from others. As glad as he was she was better, it still stung.

Realizing he wasn’t going to respond, she continued. “I wasn’t…well, I wasn’t the most cooperative of patients. The first time I met the therapist, she gave me the story of how these sessions were supposed to go you know. I talk, she listens basically. The first two times, we sat in complete silence for the whole hour.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little at how stubborn she’d been. “At the end of the hour, she’d say ‘that’s all for today’, and I’d leave. She got me a prescription for an anti-depressant and...”

“Jesus, Haley,” he breathed out low.

“It’s alright Nathan. It’s what I needed at the time I think. It helped. I haven’t been on them for the last few months, and I’m doing fine, but at the time…I think it really helped give me a kick start.”

“I’d been on them a week when I went back the third time. I couldn’t really feel much difference. It took a couple of weeks before I really noticed any sort of changes. Anyway, I went in and I sat there with my arms folded like before. She goes, ‘Haley, if you want to keep coming and not talk that’s up to you, but you’re wasting your parent’s money and both of our time. It’s true I can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. But I can’t believe you don’t realize there’s a problem. You have to know you’re depressed. I’ve talked to your parents, I have an idea of what’s happened with you the last several months and,’” Haley paused, drawing a deep breath she swallowed hard against the lump filling her throat. Nathan held his own breath watching her struggle. He had no idea what she would say next, and visions of her sitting through the sessions alone was disturbing him. He should have been there with her.

“Then she says ‘tell me about Nathan’, and I burst into instant tears…” Nathan shot to his feet, his hands dug deep into his pockets as he paced along the terrace wall again. Haley stared after him confused for a moment before following. She tried to take his hand to still him, he wouldn’t let her.

“Nathan, please stop moving and let me finish.” He let go a harsh sigh as he turned and leaned back against the railing, his eyes searched the starry sky for help. His jaw was set tight; his arms went across his body again, focusing anywhere but on her as he rigidly waited for her to be done. Waited for her to relay all the things she’d told a perfect stranger about him, about what he did to her, how he’d let her down, how he couldn’t help her and their eventual collapse. He knew he wouldn’t be able to take it.

She hesitantly moved closer. His eyes barely flickered her way when she scooted herself in between his barely parted legs. He sighed hard, but moved them out so she could fit between them better.

“I’m not sure why that upsets you. Did you think I wouldn’t talk about you? You were my life Nathan. We were going to have a baby. I had to talk about you, and the baby, and…how I lost you both.”

He began to shake his head agitatedly from side to side. She slid her hands under his suit coat to rest at his waist in an effort at some sort of comfort. He didn’t seem to notice.

“Say what you need to say Nathan, please.”

He was afraid of what would come out. He was a giant mix of emotions…anger, inadequacy, worthlessness, bitterness, just to name a few. He didn’t know which one was stronger, which one would take him first. None of those feelings would allow kind and supportive words to follow.

“I’m glad you got help Haley. Honestly, I’m very, very happy you got help,” he evenly answered.

“But…,” she pushed even though she feared what would follow. “Come on.”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head as he dragged a heavy hand through his hair.

“Nathan…”

“Look…it doesn’t matter. You’re better that’s all that’s important.”

She tried getting him to look at her. His body was rigid with tenseness. He couldn’t stop the sighs or the way his hands continually ran frustrated through his hair. He startled a bit at the feel of her hands moving slowly along his waist as she tried to sooth some of it away. He hadn’t realized her hands were on him. He wanted to move away from her, but it felt too good.

“We talked about me, and you, and the baby. And about my guilt over even considering not having the baby. And how I felt like maybe I deserved what happened because of it, I didn’t deserve the baby…or you.” He shook his head with another long harsh sigh. How could she ever have thought such a thing? Her hands rubbed over his chest trying to calm him.

“All of that sort of played into my whole mental…breakdown I guess. We talked about my need for perfection. How I have this need to have my life in perfect order. And how having you in my life kept me on my toes, kept that all mixed up. How you were a constant challenge to that.” She smiled. “Even though she never met you, I think she liked you. She could tell you were good for me Nathan.” He rolled his eyes shaking his head ever more frustrated.

“Nathan…you’re about to explode. Say something…even if I don’t want to hear it, say it.”

His eyes closed as he searched for some words. Some positive words, some helpful words, something other than bitter words, words that made him sound petty and selfish and angry, words that sounded like he felt something other than sorry for himself.

He tried to start slowly, trying to pick and choose the right words. “I…I’m happy…I’m very very happy you’re better. Back to your old self. You look good Haley, you sound even better…”

“But…,” she apprehensively pushed on.

“But…I should have been there. I tried to help you. I tried to get you to talk to me. I would have taken you for help Haley. It was obvious you needed some.” He was so frustrated he could hardly hold still. And the way her small hands kept rubbing him was distracting not helpful. It was just adding to his frustration.

He stilled her hands easing them off of him. She let them fall to her side, but refused to back up. “What I don’t get…is why, if I’m so good for you…if I’m so god damned good for you Haley, why couldn’t we work through it? Why wouldn’t you…why couldn’t you talk to me? There has to be something more. What about blame? Did you work through that too? Because I sure as hell haven’t. I still blame myself Haley; I know you have to too. And don’t say you don’t…how could you not. I mean…I got you pregnant, it was my banquet, I was driving…shit I was the instigator of the whole damn thing! Hell, I wouldn’t want to be with me either.”

“Stop it! I don’t blame you. I never blamed you. Never.” She grabbed his face firmly between her hands not allowing him to push them off or shake free like he was trying to do. “Listen to me. Be still and look at me Nathan.” She refused to say another word till he finally relented and held her eyes, his chest was pounding and his breaths were ever more erratic. He couldn’t take the closeness much less the words.

“I don’t blame you. It just happened. It takes two to get pregnant Nathan. I was more than willing if you remember. It just happened. I wanted to be at the banquet. The other driver was at fault, not you. None of it was you.”

His hands came up to wrap around her wrists where he pulled her hands from his face holding them down in front of them. “Well I do blame you Haley,” he said quietly. “I blame you for giving up. On me, on yourself, on us. You were depressed, I saw that, I get that, but you gave up. I know…I know without a doubt if I’d tried what your parents did, it wouldn’t have worked. I tried to help you. I wanted so badly to help you Haley. Obviously there’s some…something that I don’t have that you need. So yeah, I do blame myself too…I blame myself for not being enough for you.”

Her head continually shook from side to side, her brow knit deeper with every word. She held his eyes that were full of frustration and pain. “That’s not true,” she choked softly. “That’s not true at all. You were always enough for me. You were always there for me Nathan.” Her hands slid up his chest to lock behind his neck. She pushed her forehead to lay against his. “I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have let you help me. I…I felt like I was dragging you down with me Nathan.” Her fingers massaged over the back of his head as she lifted her tearing eyes to his. “I…I had to let you go before I broke you too.”

He briefly closed his eyes with a long sigh. “Yeah…well thanks, but I broke anyway,” he replied dryly. He tried to pull her arms from around his neck, but she gripped him tighter.

“I’m so sorry.” She pushed her lips to his holding them to him for a light kiss. “I’m sorry,” she repeated more softly against his lips. She tenderly moved her lips over his barely parted non-moving ones. His body remained stock still as her arms pulled herself more fully against him.

“Don’t.” She faintly heard him murmur in protest, while the rest of his body screamed with pleasure. “Kiss me Nathan,” she murmured back as her mouth pressed harder against his. His eyes fell closed. His deep sigh blew against her at the feel of her sucking gently at his lips, at the feel of her tongue tracing ever so softly across his mouth. “Kiss me,” she urged him again. His tongue betrayed him as it eased over his lips to graze ever so lightly against hers before he pulled his mouth away completely. “Don’t,” he said again with no more resolve than before.

She reluctantly removed her mouth. Her eyes stayed locked with his that kept drifting over her lips and back. He swallowed hard as he tried to muster some strength to resist what his body was begging him not to. His breaths were too rapid. She could see the inner struggle reflecting back. She relaxed her body against his with a deep sigh. Her hands slid from his neck to rest on his chest. Her tongue licked wet across her parted lips. “Okay,” she finally breathed low. Neither moved. Their eyes never swayed from the others.

“Kiss me Nathan,” came her deeply seductive request again. He couldn’t resist her again. His lips slowly inched toward hers. He angled his mouth to cover her parting lips as their eyes dropped closed and their mutual sighs mingled in the air.

The kiss was slow and sultry and wet and warm and every fiber in their bodies tingled with desire and passion and…comfort. There was pure satisfaction in the familiar feelings. In the certain knowledge of what complete carnal response would be elicited from sucking here or licking there or biting with a wet gentle force over her bare shoulder the way he was doing now. Her fingers played through his hair before they turned his head so her mouth could take his again. A deep moan fell across his lips at the feel of her tongue sweeping across his. Her own quiet moans spilled over their tangling tongues. She relaxed in his strong embrace and smiled into his kiss when she felt his hand trail down her back to squeeze and massage over her bottom.

He felt her lips smiling against his and hesitantly eased his lips away. Her eyes fluttered open at the loss of him. They smiled. His hands continued to rub her backside, hers languidly traced through his hair.

“I want to be with you,” she whispered into another kiss.

He swallowed hard trying to find some words, fine some resolve to say no. She could plainly read his doubt, read his struggle. She placed her finger across his lips. “Don’t say no. Let’s go somewhere so we can be together.” Her mouth sucked slowly over his, her tongue slipped across his lips again. “I want you Nathan.” Her words were met with his more urgent kisses, his mouth moved harder and wider against hers. Her moan was long and low as she pushed his hand up to cup her breast. His breaths were heavy against her lips as he gratefully massaged her. His mouth dragged open across hers as they both struggled for air.

“Hales…we,” he breathed out. He was fighting to find a reason to say no. Her lips sucking along his jaw, and her tongue swirling in his mouth weren’t helping. He’d longed for her taste for so long, he dreamed almost nightly about this moment. Having her in his arms again, having her whisper in his ear that she wanted him again. He’d never been able to resist her, and he certainly found no reason now.

“Let’s go Nathan,” she begged breathless against his lips once more. “I’m staying with Peyton at her dads, we can go there. He’s out of town. Or the beach house…or we can get a motel room, I don’t care I just want to be with you.”

He laid his head to hers again, his fingers tangled into her hair as he held her still while they both grasped for air. “No hotels…the beach house, let’s go to the beach house,” he murmured his decision before his mouth took over hers in another passionate kiss.

“Okay,” her smile grew broad as she vigorously nodded her agreement.

”Okay,” he smiled back pushing another kiss to her lips.

“I love you,” she whispered against his mouth.

And that reason he was looking for…there it was.

His body went rigid, he grabbed her arms that lingered around his neck forcefully pulling them from around him and dropping them in front of her like they were shooting flames at him. He harshly wiped the back of his hand over his mouth. “No…no! Don’t say that! No!”

Haley’s eyes grew wide with confusion. She tried to reach for his hands, but he jerked them away holding them back from her touch. “What…what’d I say?” She asked with honest confusion.

“No…you don’t get to say that Haley! You have no right to come to me after all this time and tell me you love me! No fucking way. No no no, you’re not going to screw with me like that. No way forget it. This is bullshit!” he barked into her face as he paced around in front of her. His hands ran roughly around his head as he still fought to recapture the breath her kisses had taken.

“Nathan,” she begged trying to grab his arm again to hold him still. He jerked it free making sure to step out of her reach. “I do love you. I…”

“NO! God damn it Haley, stop saying that! That’s bullshit! Isn’t it enough you fucked me over once? Did you get off on it so much you want to do it again? Shit…I’m not that stupid!”

“I’m not trying to do anything to you Nathan. I didn’t like hurting you. It hurt me too. I love you. I always will. Nathan…”

“You love me…you love me…if you loved me so damn much we’d still be together Haley! You’d be in Boston with me right now! But you’re not are you Haley! No…I can’t be what you need Nathan…you need me too much Nathan, I can’t be there for you…go on with your life Nathan…we’ll be better off if we go our separate ways Nathan! Isn’t that a sample of the kiss off things you said Haley! Isn’t it!” He raged louder as his control slipped further and further away. “And then you’re going to show up, plant a few kisses on me, and declare you love me. Bull! Shit! Get away from me,” he bitterly flared swatting away the hand she kept reaching toward him.

“Nathan,” she beseeched with a quiet quivering voice. “Please don’t…I understand why you’re upset. But I do…I do love you. I was trying to save you from me when I broke it off. It didn’t mean I stopped loving you. Please…please believe me.”

He was wearing a path in the bricks. His chest was still heaving with outrage. He couldn’t think straight. His hands all but pounded at his head trying to knock a clear thought into it. She startled at the dark anger in his eyes when he suddenly spun around to face her. He slowly walked closer, but kept her at more than an arms length. “You say you love me…prove it. Come to Boston. Right now. Let’s go right now,” he evenly demanded never wavering his grim glare.

“Now? Nathan…I can’t go now…I”

“Well how about that! Why am I not surprised,” he puffed with false amazement.

“Nathan listen to me…I’m in the middle of a semester. I can’t just up and leave. It has nothing to do with my love for you, you know that.”

“I don’t know shit about you anymore Haley! I feel like I never did! Alright…fine…finish the semester, there’s only a couple of months left. You can move this summer.”

“I have a job with you father for the summer…”

“Excuses!” he roared. “You have more damn excuses Haley. You’re full of crap! If you really wanted to be with me you would get a job in Boston Haley. Dan knows lawyers all over the country he can get you a job. What else you got Hales? This is kind of fun, you lie, I shoot you down. It’s great.”

She nervously wrung her hands. He wasn’t just angry; he was being openly hostile now. She thought he’d be happy to hear she loved him, but his furious reaction had her scrambling for some control. She repeatedly swallowed back the tears lumping in her throat. She wouldn’t let him make her cry. She’d done it to herself. She wouldn’t make him feel guilty, if that was even possible at this moment, for making her cry.

“Okay…I’ll come this summer.”

“You’ll move this summer,” he firmly corrected. “Start applying now to transfer to a law school in Boston.” His voice and stance never flinched. There was only one way it was going to go, and that was his way.

“Nathan…. I only have one year left…I”

“Haley…,” he quickly interrupted as his jaw clamped tighter against her excuses he could already hear multiplying.

“Nathan, one year. It’s not even a year. It’s nine or ten months, and I’ll be completely done and I can come to Boston for good. Please…please be reasonable.”

“I was reasonable before Haley and look where it got me!”

“I’m going to come Nathan…I swear I will,” she softly pleaded.

The words were like a bucket of scalding water. He visibly shuddered at them. Haley’s brow knit tight at the physical jolt she saw hit his body. His face that was filled with anger before turned positively cold and rigid. His eyes bore into hers like never before. She wrapped her arms around herself as if protecting herself from the chill she could feel ebbing from him.

“You’re a liar,” he stated flat and emotionless. “I can’t even count how many times you said that to me. ‘I’m coming Nathan…I swear.’ I believed you. I waited and waited just knowing one day you would. You never did. You’re a liar. Stay here Haley. I refuse to set myself up again. Thanks, but once was more than enough,” he snorted lightly shaking his head in utter disbelief as he turned to walk away.

“Nathan please don’t go. Please!” She was fully aware of how pathetic she sounded, but right now she didn’t care. She’d do anything to make him turn around and stay. “Let’s go somewhere and talk about it Nathan.”

“Talk,” he turned around with a mirthless laugh. “Now you want to talk? Before you wanted to go somewhere and have sex. I’m still willing to do that if you want,” he shrugged with a smug smirk taking a couple of steps back toward her. “How ‘bout it Hales…for old time’s sake? Let’s go have a little fun. Come on,” he smiled nodding his head toward the door. “Come on,” he chided with a small mocking chuckle.

“Don’t do that Nathan,” she resolutely ordered as she stood straighter against his attack. “You can hate me all you want. You can say any mean thing you want but that. Don’t belittle what it meant when we made love to each other Nathan.”

His jaw flexed with tightness. He held her eyes in a deadlock with his. He knew he’d hurt her. He’d meant to. Only he could feel the knife digging into himself as well. Their love making was every bit as special and sacred to him as it was her. He wouldn’t let her see that. He refused to let her see him flinch or soften. “Whatever,” he lightly scoffed. “I don’t need the sex that bad anyway.” He closed his eyes for a moment when he turned his back to her again. He was desperately trying to control his anxious breathing. He couldn’t let her see his struggle. His feet felt heavy as concrete as he willed them to move away from her.

He’d barely moved three feet when he heard her chilly voice.

“I’m sure you don’t,” she stated with new found assurance. “How long did you wait Nathan…an hour…a day…a week maybe…of course…that’s if you waited at all.”

His turn was imperceptivity slow, his approach toward her just as slow. The scowl on his face was so fierce she had to remind herself more than once not to react. “What did you say? Are you accusing me of something Haley?” He slowly growled as he came closer. She shrugged. “Are you?”

“Hit a nerve?” she quipped trying her best to keep the haughty countenance.

“It sounds like you’re accusing me of cheating on you. Is that what you’re saying Haley?” He continued to growl at an increasingly low level.

She shrugged again as if completely unaffected.

“I never cheated on you. Never!” He yelled his pretense at control completely gone. “Not before we lived together, not when we lived together, and all those months I spent ALONE in Boston waiting on you to fulfill your empty promises, believing your lies…I never once even considered cheating on you. So if you’re seriously accusing me of that…you can stick it up your ass!” He roared as he turned stopping himself from stomping away to throw one more jab. “But just…oh I don’t know…FYI…since you kicked my ass to the curb…yeah, I’ve been having sex. Pretty much with any girl that offers. But don’t worry sweetie…I haven’t found one near as good as you. But don’t you worry, I’m gonna’ keep on tryin’,” he sarcastically bit as his chest heaved with anger. He refused to react to the tears welling in her eyes. He wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how hurting her so viciously killed him as well.

“What…like you’ve been sitting in your room every night just yearning for male company? Yeah,” he scoffed. “Whatever. I’m sure the guys are just flocking around aren’t they? Huh Hales? Can’t tell me all those law school geniuses aren’t working overtime to get with you.” His jealousy was raging at his own words. He’d had more than one nightmarish thought of Haley with someone else. It almost made him physically ill just thinking about it.

She quickly swiped away the tears she’d let leak out. “It’s none of your business.”

“None of my business? You’re right it’s not, but I can’t help but be curious who you’re spending your nights with. So who’s the lucky guy Hales?”

“Leave me alone Nathan. You’re acting beyond bastard now. Just go,” she tried with more authority.

“Come on Haley,” he refused to let up. For some perverse reason he had to know who was with his girl. Who she was giving her body to, the body that was always supposed to be his.

“No one,” she grit wiping furiously at the tears that wouldn’t stop dropping. She was so angry with herself for faltering in front of him.

He watched her eyes dart away from his. She couldn’t look at him a second longer without pathetically throwing herself in his arms and begging him to take her back. No matter how hateful he was, that’s all she wanted. She was ashamed of how truly pitiful that made her.

His mind was racing trying to come up with a name. He just had a sinking feeling he knew the person. His face visibly dropped when it came to him. He felt the complete blow to his mid-section. He fought back the lurching need to throw up.

“Turner…you’ve been fucking Turner haven’t you.”

Her eyes filled with fury as she shoved him back with a hard slam to his chest. “You’re disgusting! I have not been with Matt Turner. But you know what Nathan,” she nastily snarled. “I could have. You were right all along. Yep, he wants me alright. Or he did. Until I actually went on a date with him. Guess what happened Nathan?” Nathan’s face couldn’t get any more red with anger. He was in serious danger of stroking out.

“Guess…he came back to my room, we started making out, and guess what! I called him Nathan! Isn’t that funny! How’s that for a fucking pathetic joke! Huh Nathan? That make your day? I called Matt by your name in the middle of making out! I hope that makes you all giddy to know that Nathan. I’m kissing another guy and all I can think about is you! Not a problem for you I’m sure as you screw girls all across the country. So I guess you win this little pissing contest Nathan! You win. Goody,” she smiled while swatting away more tears. “Now go. You’ve proved your point Nathan. You hate me,” she shrugged as the tears fell with increased intensity. “You hate me…and I don’t blame you. Just go away,” she brokenly whispered turning her back on him as her shoulders shook with the tears.

It was all he could do not to fling his worthless ass over the railing. He never meant to hurt her, but he had. He’d dug her as deep as he could, and per usual…he regretted every word. He had to get out of there. He couldn’t recover what he’d already spoken. He walked away leaving her alone like she’d asked several minutes before. He quickly whisked away the couple of tears he’d let escape.

He didn’t have her because he didn’t deserve her. Whatever ridiculous hopes he still clung to were gone now. And he had no one to blame but himself.

She turned her cell phone on one morning about a month later to find the message he’d left at three o’clock that morning. His voice was deep and gravelly and so low and mumbled she had to strain to understand what he was saying. He was wasted that much was certain.

“Hey, it’s me. I’m sorry,” he mumbled after a pause so long she wondered if he’d forgotten he was on the phone. “I was mean and horrible and I wanted to hurt you…so I did. You um…you didn’t deserve that. I’m a shithead.” She couldn’t help but smile at the way his grumbled voice mumbled the word. “I’m a shithead and I’m sorry for acting like a shithead. I…I…I um…I…yeah, so I’ll see ya Hales.”

His rejection and his words had cut her to the core…but it didn’t change anything. “I love you,” she weakly whispered to the recording before tossing her phone into her purse and going on with her life.

Chapters 27 - 28

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