Almost There and Back Again

by Nancy

Chapter 18

She groaned when she went in the bathroom finding the cap off the toothpaste yet again. Why couldn’t he remember that? It wasn’t that hard…take it off…put it back on…take it off, put it back on, take it off, put it back on. God! She was so sick of telling him. He was just such a pig sometimes. It took months, but she’d finally won the war over the toilet seat, thank god. One battle at a time she reminded herself as she brushed her teeth.

Where did those come from she asked herself, her fingers running gently over the dark circles under her eyes. No sleep that’s where, she answered herself.

Nathan had been getting home late almost every night for the last two weeks, and she couldn’t go to sleep until he was home. She was still just worn out from studying until all hours for the LSATS, even though she’d taken the test weeks earlier - it was just lingering effects she told herself.

She turned on the shower, letting her hand droop in the water waiting for the temperature to rise. God I feel like shit she whined to herself, her hand wiping at the sweat she felt forming on her forehead. Ugh, I feel crappy – stepping under the warm water hoping it would help.

Her mind kept wandering back to Nathan. He seemed so distracted the last couple of weeks, getting up early, coming home late. He had a whole list of excuses - classes, workouts with the trainers, meetings with his agent, endless hours in the gym shooting, dribbling, jumping, blah, blah, blah. Hell he’d been playing basketball since he was old enough to hold one of the stupid things how much practice could he need she wondered. He had to be ready for his looks with the pros he kept telling her. What looks – they’d been watching his every move for the last four years, if they couldn’t figure out by now that he could play then to heck with them.

The one she’d gone with him to in Seattle seemed pointless. He had to do all kinds of drills and tests and running and jumping and shooting and -look at the film she’d had the urge to yell at them. Stop torturing the poor guy. It looked to her like he’d passed them all with flying colors; there were grins and smiles and back slapping all around when he was done. Whatever. Someone just draft him so we can get on with our lives!

And that stupid Chemistry lab was getting on her last nerve – why he’d waited until his last semester to complete his science requirement was beyond her. He’d spent almost every night the last week and a half in the lab working on a project with his partner Terry. Haley had been close to telling him to pay the guy to do it for the both of them, but held back. He may not have felt guilty about it, but she would.

She opened the refrigerator, running a comb through her hair at the same time, peering in…nothing looked good. Yogurt…yuck…maybe just some toast with jelly she thought reaching for the jar…no that sounded disgusting too. She finally just shut the door, plopping into the chair resting her head on the table, the coolness of it actually helping ease the pain in there. I feel like crap she whined again. “Oh no!” she yelped jumping up and running for the bathroom hugging the commode.

She managed to drag herself off the bathroom floor and back into the bed, groaning the whole way. Feeling her queasiness ease enough to lift her head, she glanced at the clock. Her class started in less than an hour, she had no idea how she was going to get it together enough to get dressed and get over there. Maybe she’d just skip it. God, I feel like hell she groaned again, curling up in a tight ball.

She tried to figure out what it was she’d eaten last night that was making her so sick. She’d had some of the lasagna she’d made the night before. Didn’t bother her the first time…Nathan had eaten twice as much as she had, and she didn’t hear him barfing this morning. Of course he had a cast iron stomach so maybe he didn’t count. Just one more thing I hate about him today she thought as she dashed for the bathroom again.

She managed to get her hair dried. Now staring at her pathetic looking face…it was in sore need of some make-up, but she just didn’t have the energy to bother with it. Sitting on the edge of the bed she slipped her shoes on, now staring at the floor willing herself to get up and get moving. She glanced back at the unmade bed…oh screw it she told herself. That was one more thing she hated about Nathan…he never made the damn bed, and when he did - it still looked a mess – god he can’t do anything right! She’d just leave it unmade and see how he liked it she told herself as she turned to lock the door behind her. Who am I kidding…he won’t even notice. God I hate him!

She dragged into class, dropping into the first desk she came to – trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else. The last thing she wanted to do was talk. She had the urge to hang a sign on her desk that said ‘fuck off’, but decided against it, everyone thought she was nice, sweet, goody goody Haley – why burst their bubble now.

I still fell like crap…god my boobs hurt – she complained to herself again – trying to discreetly adjust her bra. It made no difference – they still hurt.

The class was close to half over when the light bulb came on… “NO!” she literally yelled out in the middle of the class. Everyone turned their eyes toward her, the professor stopping his lecture, “Haley…is there something you’d like to say?” he asked confused by her outburst.

“What?” she asked, her face registering total panic as she bolted out of her chair and raced for the door without another word.

Her hands were beginning to tremble as she hurried out of the building. She stood outside turning in circles, alternating between biting her thumb and repeatedly tucking her hair behind her ear.

It just can’t be…no, no, no, she kept repeating to herself. Not now, not now…, “please not now”, she whined aloud stomping her foot. That damn Nathan and his fucking airplane…fucking - damn it I hate him! This is his fault…his fault! He’s always so… “AHHH!” she yelled stomping down the street, her arms flailing around as she talked aloud to herself - calling Nathan everything in the book.

She made it the two blocks to the nearest drugstore, flinging open the door, seeking out the sign that appeared to have the words that closest resembled what she wanted. Picking up box after box reading the instructions…which one…they’re all the same she grumbled, slapping it on the counter, now having to dig around in the bottom of her purse for enough change to pay for it.

Great, I barely have enough money to pay for the test, how the hell am I going to pay for the results - the thought almost bringing her to tears right there in front of the clerk who was growing increasingly nervous herself watching Haley on the verge of collapse.

She went into the drugstore bathroom, going into a stall, reading the instructions more carefully this time. Pee on the stick and wait – huh – even I can do that she thought. Five minutes…checking her watch to make sure she got it right. With a shaky hand she laid the stick gently on the top of her purse, pulling her pants up before resuming her seat, pulling her feet up to rest on the seat, wrapping her arms tightly around her legs as she began rocking herself back and forth, back and forth.

The door to the restroom opened and closed three times in those long five minutes. She’d wanted to scream at whoever it was to get the hell out, didn’t they realize her entire future was waiting for her on some stupid ass stick.

Looking at her watch…times up. She placed her feet back on the floor; closing her eyes taking a deep breath…please…I’m begging you…please. She reached down and picked up the stick – the plus sign stared back at her…mocking her. She burst into tears, near uncontrollable sobbing pouring forth.

The knock on her stall door startled her, “Are you alright in there?” the strange voice asked uncertainly.

“No,” she whined back.

“Do you need me to get somebody for you? The pharmacist maybe?”

“No,” she whined again.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes…I’m leaving,” she choked out; dropping the stick in the sack with the second test she most assuredly was going to take the minute she got home. There had to be something wrong with the first one. This just wasn’t happening…it just wasn’t happening.

“Sorry,” she mumbled to the elderly woman standing outside her door, wiping at her face, moving quickly past her.

She was trying to walk quickly across campus, but was having a hard time mustering up the energy to make it happen. She felt completely drained – physically and mentally – and then her phone rang. She glanced at the caller id – thank god it’s not that Nathan bastard she told herself.

“Hey Peyt,” she said trying her best to sound cheerful.

“Hey – how about some lunch?” Peyton inquired with genuine cheer in her voice.

“Oh…I don’t know…I’m not…really…hungry,” she barely got out before her crying started again.

“Oh my god Haley what’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel good,” she whined sniffling and wiping at her tears.

“I’m sorry. You must really, really feel bad. Where are you – you don’t sound like you’re at home.”

“I’m walking across campus…trying to get home,” she sobbed out, keeping her head down to avoid all the stares that were being thrown her way.

“Haley…you sound like it’s more than just not feeling good. Why don’t you come over here instead of going home? Do you want me to call Nathan?”

“NO…no don’t call him…I hate him,” she growled, fresh tears starting.

“You hate him,” Peyton repeated flatly. “Okay…I wondered how long that was going to take. Four years…not bad Hales – you lasted a lot longer than I thought,” she tried to joke with her.

“It’s not funny,” she complained through her tears.

“Okay…I’m sorry. Just come over okay…please.”

“Okay,” she sniffed out turning her phone off, changing directions as she headed for Peyton and Brooke’s.

Peyton took Haley in her arms the minute she opened the door and Haley fell sobbing into them. Peyton walking them both over to sit on the couch, rubbing softly on her back waiting for her to calm down - it was taking a lot longer than she’d anticipated. Maybe there really was something wrong she began to worry…maybe she really did hate Nathan…

“What’d he do Hales?” she asked hesitantly.

“He got me pregnant,” she wailed digging through her sack for the stick, “see,” she sobbed, shoving the stick with the plus sign in Peyton’s face.

Peyton took the stick from her, briefly examining it herself, “I…I’m sorry Haley. Does Nathan know?” she asked gently.

“No. He’s not home…he’s never home. He probably doesn’t like me anymore either. I think he’s fooling around on me or something. He’s always gone,” she whined still wiping at the tears that wouldn’t stop.

“Come on Hales, he’s not fooling around on you. He loves you. He’s just busy with all his basketball stuff. Jake says he’s been really working hard doing some sort of…something or other for the draft. He loves you.”

“I hate him. This is all his fault!” she snapped, her anger starting to flare as she swatted fiercely at her tears.

“Held you down and made you do it did he,” Peyton said biting her lip to keep the smile back.

Haley glared at her, “What are you trying to say Peyton…this is my fault? He’s the sex maniac not me.”

“I’ve noticed that. You’re always trying to push him away…never saw you pawing at him…nooo…not you…nope never – oh except for the other night when you were in his lap with your tongue down his throat or last week when you had him cornered and your hands were…,” a chuckle finally escaping, quickly throwing her hand over her mouth to stifle it.

“Shut up,” Haley said rolling her eyes, trying to hide her own smile.

“I know this isn’t how you guys planned it Haley, but you’ll deal with it. Nathan’s going to be shocked no doubt, but he’ll be alright. You love each other…you’ll figure out a way,” she smiled at her hugging her close.

“How am I going to go to law school and take care of a baby Peyton? How can I afford a baby? They’re not cheap you know.”

“Well I’m pretty sure Nathan’s about to start pulling down a bundle so I don’t think money’s going to be an issue. As for school and a baby…it’ll be hard, but you guys can do it Haley. You’ll find a way. You have nine months to figure it out.”

“God how’d I get in this mess,” she groaned dropping her head frustratingly in her hands.

“Well…a boy and a girl…,” Peyton started through a giggle, Haley rolling her eyes at her again.

Peyton fixed them a big salad for lunch - poking fun at Haley about eating all her veggies. Was she sure she didn’t want seconds…she was eating for two now - Haley tried to appreciate her humor, but wasn’t having much success. She was struggling to get through the first helping; she didn’t even want to think about seconds. She just wanted to go home and crawl back in bed. Maybe it had all been a dream, and when she woke up, it would all be different…maybe not.

After many more tears, Peyton doing her best to reassure her, Haley dragged herself back toward her own apartment. Various ideas on how to tell Nathan played through her mind. It didn’t matter she decided…he was going to totally freak regardless…life as she knew it was now officially over!

Stopping along the way to pick up the mail, shuffling through it as she went – coming up short when the yellow envelope with her name on it jumped out at her - her LSAT scores…great just one more slap in the face today she thought – choking back more tears.

She heard the giggle come from the back of the apartment the minute she opened the door - then Nathan’s deep chuckle. She glanced at her watch…it was the middle of the afternoon. He hadn’t been home at this time in weeks. A feeling of dread washed over her as she heard the girl giggle again – she closed her eyes…taking a deep breath before stepping further into the apartment – a tremble beginning to take over her body.

She saw her shadow moving down the hall toward her - now getting a complete look at the girl as she paused to slip her flip flops back on her feet, tugging at the waist of her shorts when she stood straight again. She looked past the girl, seeing Nathan come up behind her pulling a shirt on over his head, another chuckle escaping his lips.

She was tall, much taller than Haley, blonde, and had the cutest short curly hair do. Her long slender tanned legs seemed to stretch for days out from under her shorts. Her tight tank top accentuating her…well she didn’t have big boobs…thank god for that.

She stopped at the end of hall waiting for Nathan to catch up, turning back to give him a tight hug. Nathan held her just as tightly, patting her on the back, before pulling back smiling at her.

“Hi,” Haley mumbled, startling them both.

“Hales,” Nathan said enthusiastically, “I didn’t expect you. I’m glad you’re here. I’ve been wanting you two to meet,” he smiled at her, releasing the blonde, coming over throwing his arm around Haley’s shoulders.

Haley tensed at his touch, folding her arms across her chest, as she stepped out of his grasp. Nathan looked down at her, perplexed by her actions – noticing for the first time her reddened eyes and puffy face.

“Are you alright?” he asked softly, his friend looking at Haley with concern as well.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” she asked emotionless.

“Oh…ummm…yeah,” he stumbled still flummoxed by her appearance. “This is Terri my chemistry lab partner. Terri this is Haley.”

“Hi,” the blonde beamed at her, extending her hand to Haley, “it’s so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. It’s good to finally put a face to a name.”

“You’re Terry?” she said her angry eyes drifting up to Nathan before finally extending her hand to the girl. “Nice to meet you too. You’re not quite what I expected.”

“Oh really,” Terri laughed somewhat nervously, “I…hope that’s a good thing.”

Haley gave her a fake smile in response – looking up at Nathan with the same expression.

“Well…I better get going,” Terri threw out quickly. “Thanks for the help Nathan…I’ll…umm…I guess I’ll see you in class. Haley…nice to meet you,” she said again, quickly moving out the door and away from what she could tell was going to be an argument of major proportions.

Haley dropped her sack on the table, the mail, then her purse, throwing her keys next to them. Letting out a heavy sigh she placed her hands on her hips before turning slowly to Nathan who hadn’t moved an inch. He knew she was mad…that was more than obvious…he just didn’t know why. His mind reviewed his actions that day trying to figure out where he went wrong.

“So that’s Terry huh?”

“Yes…that’s Terri,” he said cautiously.

“I thought Terry was a male.”

“Oh really,” he chuckled lightly, “no she’s not a male.”

“I see that now. Why didn’t you tell me she was a she?”

“I…I didn’t know I had to. You say Terri – I think girl – I kind of thought it was…obvious,” he said with a small shrug and an even smaller smile.

“Not to me. You say Terry I think boy, kind of like my brother. T E R R Y not T E R R I!” loudly spelling them out.

“Sorry Hales…I would have said something if I knew you were thinking boy. I wasn’t trying to hide it.”

“You’ve been spending an awful lot of time with this Terri the girl,” she bit out. “This tall, skinny, blonde and pretty Terri the girl.”

“We were trying to get this project done. And since my days are eaten up with basketball she was good enough to work on it at night with me. We just finished it up - printed it all out so we’re done now. I should be…here more…at night now…Haley what’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying or something.”

“Good enough to work at night with you? Well isn’t she just something else,” she snarled at him. “Just the little martyr isn’t she? I’m sure it was a hell of a sacrifice for her to spend her nights with the handsome basketball star! Good old Terri! Let’s give her a medal for her sacrifice!”

“Haley…come on baby, nothing was going on. I swear. Nothing. I love you Haley…you know that.”

Haley pushed past him down the hall to the bedroom stopping in the door, turning back to him with fury in her eyes.

“Nothing going on huh?” she yelled, “The beds not made…didn’t have time to make it up after your little roll in it with Terri the girl? You were pulling on your shirt when I first saw you too, and Terri the girl was putting on her shoes! How do you explain that Nathan? Huh…go ahead let’s hear it!”

He let out a long sigh, running a frustrated hand through his hair, trying to maintain his cool, knowing both of them going off at the same time was going to make an even bigger disaster out of something he had yet to figure out.

“Haley…the bed wasn’t made when I got here. I know you were the last one out this morning, and you’re normally anal about making the bed, but I swear to God it wasn’t made when I got here,” he said calmly, slowly. “As for my shirt, I was coming from the gym when I met her here, - we haven’t been here but maybe twenty minutes tops - my shirt was soaking wet Haley…I was just changing it. And her shoes…hell I don’t know - I didn’t even notice they were off. She must have taken them off when she was printing out the report. That’s why she was here Haley. Her printer’s not working so she came here to use ours – which happened to be in the bedroom. That’s it. I swear to you…that’s all there is to it. Nothing, nothing, nothing is going on between us. I’ve met her boyfriend – his name’s Jeff…actually he’s her fiancé…she’s engaged – I forgot to mention that part. Please Haley…what’s this really about?” he tried to reason quietly with her, his voice pleading by the time he’d finished with his explanation.

Her chest was rising and falling rapidly, her arms still wrapped tightly around herself as she listened to his story, her furious eyes never leaving his pleading ones. The tears welled up harder and hotter the more he explained until they burst forth. She threw her hand over her mouth, pushing past him back down the hall dropping heavily on the couch, her whole body heaving with the tears.

“Haley…my god what’s wrong?” he begged following quickly after her, sitting beside her gently rubbing her back. “I promise that’s the truth Haley. I love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you Haley. Please believe me.”

“I forgot I didn’t make the bed,” she sobbed out.

Well thank god she remembered that he sighed to himself. “So we’re good where Terri the girl’s concerned?” he asked hopefully, Haley barely shaking her head.

“Thank God,” he mumbled. “Haley…tell me what’s wrong baby…please,” trying to gather her in his arms. Haley sobbed harder into his shoulder as Nathan rocked her in his arms trying his best to soothe her.

“I don’t feel good,” she whined using the back of her hand to wipe at her wet face.

“I’m sorry baby – you want me to get you something?”

“It won’t help…and don’t call me baby again,” she grumped at him.

“But I always…okay…okay I won’t call you that anymore,” he sighed confused, continuing to gently rock her.

Haley shifted herself so she could sit in his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck, letting her head rest against his shoulder. The tears finally easing as he kept holding tightly to her, rubbing her back, dropping soft kisses on her head.

“Are you sure I can’t get you something?” he whispered to her. “Here…let’s lay down,” stretching out on the couch situating Haley on top of him, letting her snuggle into the crook of his neck, as his hand stroked up and down her back.

The minutes ticked on as they lay there together, Nathan still clueless as to what had upset her so. Still under the assumption it was him…and ‘Terri the girl’ that had set her off, besides the fact that she didn’t feel good.

Haley was building up the courage to tell him. Knowing full well the moment they were now sharing was going to be crushed the second she said it. He was going to be mad and upset and probably walk out on her - the thoughts starting to make her tear up again. Her body began to shake on top of him as the tears sprang anew.

“Okay Haley…I can’t take this anymore…you’re going to have to tell me what’s wrong. Are you really this upset because you don’t feel good?” he asked trying to be as gentle with his tone as his frustration would let him.

“Sort of,” she whimpered pushing herself up off of him, sitting momentarily on the couch before going to get the sack and the envelope that contained her test scores. Resuming her seat on the couch once she’d retrieved them, still brushing away tears as she did.

“I got my LSAT scores.”

“Yeah?” he said excited sitting upright on the couch beside her. He glanced at the envelope she held in her hand, noticing it was still sealed. “You haven’t opened it. You’re crying before you even look?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of…sort of,” he sighed in frustration. “Can I open it…or you open it…or something. You’re killing me here,” smiling lightly at her reddened face.

“Here…you,” she said dejectedly handing him the envelope.

“Are you sure?”

“Okay,” he said carefully tearing open the envelope, taking out the letter and reading it to himself…a broad smile crossing his face as he did. “Haley…you’re not going to believe this. All that worrying you did…You got a 175 Haley! That’s fantastic!” he yelled grabbing her in a bear hug. “You’re one smart chick you know that,” he laughed squeezing her harder. “Look…look,” he said quickly releasing her, all but shoving the paper under her nose. “It says the average score is 150 and… My god Haley you got 175 out of 180 – you can go anywhere you want baby! I mean Haley! Isn’t that great! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!”

She started crying again – harder and harder she cried.

“Jesus Haley…what is it?” he blew out. “You just got some fantastic news and you’re crying harder than ever.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she wailed, digging around in her sack for the stick. “Here,” she mumbled pushing it at him.

Nathan took the stick from her, staring at it confused as to what he was supposed to be looking at. “I’m not sure what…,” he started to say before his eyes took in the box Haley had just thrown on the table. “Oh…god,” he stuttered barely audible. Looking back at the stick and the plus sign that stared back at him, then at the picture on the box…he didn’t need any further explanation.

“Oh Haley…I…man I don’t know what to say. How did we…wow…I don’t know how we managed it. I mean we’re always so careful…I don’t…oh god,” he mumbled again, his hands rubbing his face frustratingly…pushing himself off the couch, pacing around the room a few seconds before walking out the door.

“I knew it,” her anger quickly drying up her tears - stomping off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Nathan paced back and forth in front of their door – rubbing his head, his face…his hands alternating between resting on his hips and being shoved down in his pockets – rolling the stick around in his hand all the while. He walked down to the corner and back, over and over he walked – glancing at the stick repeatedly. The results never changed. His mind rewound all of their actions for the past several weeks.

“Oh hell…I know,” he muttered to himself, “okay…okay…alright…we can deal with this…just…law school…god…alright…we can do this,” he kept mumbling to himself as he made his way back into the apartment.

“Haley?” he called out to her. “Haley come out here.”

“No,” she called back.

“Haley…damn it,” he muttered under his breath, pushing open the bedroom door going to sit beside her on the bed. “Haley,” he started only to have her roll over so her back was to him again. “Haley…quit – we need to talk about this.”

“You left,” she whined.

“Jeez Hales I was only gone ten minutes. Cut me a little slack here will ya. I needed to get my thoughts together. Roll over, and be still a minute.”

“Fine,” she huffed, rolling over on her back, folding her arms across her chest, glaring at the ceiling.

“Okay…it was the airplane wasn’t it?”

“Ya think?” she snapped sarcastically.

“Yeah…okay…I take the blame,” he sighed.

“I didn’t exactly push you away,” she mumbled rolling her eyes at her weak self.

“Well…it was me…I’m kind of hard to turn down I know,” he joked.

“Ha. Ha.”

“You’d think all that cabin pressure and stuff would make things not work right or something.” Haley looked at him with disgust, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at him again. “Just kidding here Hales.”

“Whatever,” she huffed.

“Okay…look – I know this is not going according to plan, but…we’ll manage…”

Haley suddenly shot up in the bed, “We’ll manage! Who’s this we Nathan? I’m the one that’s pregnant! I’m the one that’s trying to go to law school. You’re going to be off bouncing a ball somewhere! I’m the one who’s going to get big as a house, and miss tons of days of law school because I’m having a baby – trying to take care of a baby. It’s not going to work Nathan! I can’t do both. And exactly what plan are you referring to? I don’t remember us having a plan! We hardly talked about getting married even before I got knocked up! Was that part of your plan Nathan? Hunh? I sure as hell don’t want it to suddenly be part of it now just because I’m pregnant. I don’t want to trap you Nathan…”

“Stop it Haley! I’m not trapped. You’re not trapped. Stop! We love each other Haley. It’s not like this baby’s coming from a one night stand. We love each other. We’ll work it out alright. I’m going to help you. We’ll hire some help if we have to. You’re going to law school Haley. Period. That’s not even up for discussion. I’m sure you’re not the first woman to attend law school pregnant. I’m sure they’ve worked out plans for other women before you,” he tried to reason with her.

“And…we can get married…I mean my god Haley we’ve been together for four years, I guess I figured it was obvious where we were headed…I…I didn’t think…I don’t know - I guess I didn’t think we had to talk about it.”

“Whatever!”

“Stop saying whatever!” he groaned. “I’m trying to help here Haley. Trying to think this out and be reasonable alright…I’d appreciate it if you’d help me think here instead of being so pissed at me.”

“I’m allowed to be pissed at you. You’re the one that just had to do on the airplane Nathan!”

“I know! I already said that!”

“I didn’t say no,” she mumbled.

“You already said that too Haley,” trying to control his frustration with her…with the situation. “Let’s just…agree we mutually…screwed up okay.”

“Oh - so this baby’s just a big screw up huh?” she fussed glaring back at the ceiling.

“God! I can’t win no matter what I say! Haley…”

“Just be quiet…don’t talk to me anymore…I hate you,” she blew out turning her back on him again.

“God help me,” he muttered under his breath.

Finally deciding the great wall wasn’t coming down anytime soon, he laid down beside her - folding his hands behind his head staring helplessly at the ceiling. Haley still with her back to him, still pretending he wasn’t there.

Please tell me her hormones aren’t going to rage like this for the next nine months he moaned inwardly. A baby…what the hell…I don’t know anything about babies…they cry…great – Haley and a baby crying all the time…sounds like loads of fun.

My father…God - please don’t let me be like my father! This poor kid doesn’t stand a snowballs chance in hell he sighed, pushing himself off the bed, still shaking his head as he started the shower.

He stood under the warm water, his hands leaning against the wall, letting it rush over his head, his body, trying hard to relax with it. Thoughts of his father were not quickly leaving his mind - the idea of a baby beginning to unnerve him the more he thought of his father. The more the fear of being like his father clouded his thinking.

So engrossed in his thoughts he didn’t hear her climbing in the shower behind him. The feel of her small arms wrapping around his waist, and her head laying against his back startled him a bit.

He let one hand rest against hers, rubbing the water through his hair with the other before turning around in her arms, silently wrapping his arms around her waist dropping a kiss on her head.

“Still hate me?” he asked softly. She shrugged. He chuckled lightly at her actions, dropping another kiss on her. “I love you anyway.”

She let her head rest against his chest, loving the feel of his bare skin against her cheek, the feel of the warm water trying to squeeze between the two, her arms holding him snuggly to her.

The feel of him next to her always felt so good…made her feel so safe. He was trying so hard it was making it difficult to stay angry…stay upset about their predicament. He was taking it much better than she’d expected…so far anyway.

She kissed his chest…then kissed it again. Her hands massaging into his back as she licked at the water running down his chest, letting them travel down to take his butt cheeks firmly in her hands. Licking and nibbling at his chest, Nathan’s breathing quickening at the sensations.

“Haley?” he questioned, his hands taking her head between them, gently turning her face up to meet his. Her own breathing was quickening, her eyes full of desire for him.

“I want you Nathan,” she murmured with a deep whisper, her arms wrapped around his neck drawing his mouth down to hers. Her tongue quickly took over his mouth, taking his bottom lip between her teeth, Nathan’s moans growing with her ministrations. “Make love to me,” she whispered against his lips.

“Mmm Haley bab…,” he breathed out picking her up, letting her wrap her legs around his waist, pressing her back firmly against the wall kissing down her neck, his hand taking over her breast – Haley yelped at his movements. “God…what,” he said jerking his hand away from her, “did I hurt you…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t stop…just don’t touch my boobs okay – they’re kind of sensitive,” she mumbled taking over his mouth again.

He had to turn the water off - the warm water was quickly leaving them, wrapping a towel around Haley, holding her close to him, both their breathing returning to more normal rates now. “I love you,” he murmured in her ear, leaving a kiss on it.

“I love you too,” she returned.

“I’m glad you don’t hate me anymore.”

“Me too,” she smiled lightly back at him, her hand reaching behind his neck pulling him down for another kiss. “I’m tired,” she sighed into his chest.

“Let’s go take a nap then. I’ll get us something to eat later.”

She dropped her damp towel on the floor crawling exhausted under the covers - Nathan ran his towel quickly over his head before doing the same. He snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her back into his chest, holding her tightly to him, leaving kiss after kiss on her cheek, her head.

“We’re going to figure this out Haley okay. Don’t worry…I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled into her pillow, “I love you too,” a yawn escaping as she drifted contently off to sleep. Nathan’s eyes were still wide, sighing once more – unable to turn off the worrisome thoughts running rampant through his mind.

He had to fight off the Dan in himself more than he liked to admit. The longer he’d been with Haley the easier it seemed to do, but a baby…subjecting a baby to the ways of Dan - the only ways he knew – creating another baggage ridden Nathan in the process was too much to fathom. This had to be God’s joke on him. A baby? There had to be a reason behind this…a greater purpose? Yeah…dream on buddy he scoffed to himself. He’d done plenty in his life to make God hate him…it was payback time…his day of reckoning had finally arrived he concluded.

Chapter 19

Haley still lay snuggled in his arms, her breathing steady as she slept on. He couldn’t lie there any longer. He’d been there over an hour already, and hadn’t even considered closing his eyes to sleep. His brain wouldn’t shut off long enough to sleep.

He pulled the covers more tightly around her, dropping another kiss on her head before climbing out of the bed, rummaging through the drawers for some clothes.

He peered into the freezer trying to figure out what he could cook for dinner. She may not feel good, but she needed to try to eat a little something, although his stomach wasn’t much in the eating mood either.

He pulled out some chicken trying to recall how Haley had made that chicken and rice stuff. He’d watched her put it together several times, you’d think he’d remember, but right now he felt lucky to remember his own name.

He got some rice off the shelf along with the other things he thought went in it and began attempting to put it together. It always looked like she just threw it together, everything in one dish, chicken, rice, etc,…it just looked wrong to him…water – it needed water he concluded…now how much…humm – a cup sounds good – pouring a cup of water in with the rest of the mess. He gave his concoction a wary eye, drumming his fingers on the counter as he examined it over and over hoping he hadn’t left out that something or other that made it taste good. It’ll have to do, covering it with foil, turning on the oven and pushing it in. How long was it supposed to cook? Crap…oh…an hour sounds good, setting the timer. If the chicken still quacks or the rice is crunchy I’ll know it’s not done he told himself with a sigh.

He turned the television on, flipping from one channel to the other finally settling on ESPN as usual. They just happened to be talking about the upcoming basketball draft. He turned the volume up, but stayed slumped back on the couch. Normally he’d be sitting on the edge of his seat hanging on their every word, but he was having a hard time mustering up any interest even when he heard his own name mentioned.

They had him on the bubble for a top ten pick…anywhere between seven and twelve…depending on which head was talking. Most likely choices being Seattle, Orlando, or Boston – they were in most need of his type of services the talking heads had concluded, and had the eight through ten picks. Whatever. He couldn’t give a shit right now. He was about to ruin an innocent kid. Basketball was the furthest thing from his mind.

He started punching the button again, barely pausing enough to see what was on the channel. He stopped on an old Andy Griffith rerun. He tried to pretend he just watched it to torture Haley – always asking her if she knew this character or that character personally, most of the time his humor being met with a good whack – but he actually enjoyed the show, it was funny - at least the black and white ones were. The one showing now was actually a very funny episode…he stared blankly at it, a smile never nearing his lips.

He shuffled into the kitchen checking how much time was left on the chicken…fifteen minutes. It felt like it had been in there for hours the way the time seemed to be dragging.

He knew what he wanted to do, but was afraid to do it. He hadn’t gone back there in so long…it wasn’t…healthy. It was best left where it was. He was already thinking about it more than he should, having it there in black and white again may be too much, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Scrolling through the files on his computer he found the ones he was looking for. They were labeled by year. He still remembered exactly how it started. He had been, amazingly enough, inspired by a story he’d actually read in his fifth grade literature book, a story about a girl who kept a diary – telling it all her hopes, and dreams, and problems. How actually putting it into words had helped her deal with things. He figured what the hell; he’d give it a try.

He used to hide the disks they were originally stored on in his room. Afraid his parents would find his journal if he left it on the computer. Even though they were password protected, he figured they’d find a way to unlock the files and read all his thoughts - most of which were about them. It would have been ugly.

He transferred them all to his hard drive when he got his own computer. He’d gotten too old, and too much water had gone under the bridge for him to care much what his parents thought by then. If they read it, and didn’t like it…tough shit – the truth was the truth.

He’d written in it less and less since he’d gotten involved with Haley. He rarely felt the need to pour out all his thoughts to a computer anymore. That’s what she was for. She listened to him, talked back to him, cared about him. She was much better than his computer. Besides – he’d mostly used it for less than happy thoughts – he just didn’t have those much anymore.

Of course he had written about Haley in there more than a few times. It may have started with the pink panty entry, but it had gotten much more descriptive since then. She’d blush three shades of red if she read some of the stuff he’d put in there about her…about what they did – how he felt about what they did, what else he wanted to do... She’d have a fit. Oh well – once again – the truth was the truth.

His fingers paused over the keys. He was more than apprehensive about dredging up the past, but he couldn’t stop thinking about it so he may as well read it. He typed in the password – jackass – chuckling lightly to himself at his choice. He remembered mulling it over and over at the time – deciding most of it was about his father – why not choose a word that reminded him of his father. It had been a toss up between bastard and jackass – finally going with jackass - it was perfect he remembered laughing about it at the time.

He pulled up the first file. Fifth grade. Wow, that was a long time ago he half laughed. Fifth grade to now, and he’d managed to hide it from everyone that entire time. No one knew he kept a journal…except Haley – and he’d told her practically the first time he’d talked to her – if that wasn’t an omen he didn’t know what was.

He’d almost told Peyton a few times, but decided against it. He was a bit distrusting of Peyton back then – his mother liked her too much – that couldn’t be a good thing he’d concluded.

He was jarred away from his reading by the oven buzzer going off. He pulled his masterpiece from the oven giving it a critical eye. It didn’t look quite like it did when Haley made it, but it didn’t look exactly horrible either. He cut through a couple pieces of chicken…it looked done to him. He turned off the oven and got himself a plate, scooping some of the concoction onto it.

Sitting at the table staring at his food…it just…he was in no mood for eating. His stomach was upset and a huge ball of nerves. Food was the last thing it wanted, but he decided he’d better try it so he could run to a fast food place and get something else if it tasted like total crap.

Not bad…not bad at all. It needed some salt, but other than that it wasn’t going to kill anybody. He ate about half of it and shoved his plate aside going back to his reading. What he read wasn’t helping his stomach either.

God my father was an obsessive bastard he sighed running a tired hand over his head. Even at eleven he knew getting up early to run and lift weights was overboard, especially when you got your ass chewed out for not outrunning a thirty year old man.

Crying about it – hell crying about anything - was a major no no too. It didn’t take many of those episodes to figure out crying got him into some major shit. He’d learned to save those breakdowns for the shower or his closet, and only when his father was going to be gone long enough that his reddened eyes would be back to normal before he got back. As he got older crying wasn’t an issue anymore - he just didn’t cry. Period.

He got to the year they moved from Charlotte to Tree Hill. He couldn’t read anymore. He knew it was going to go to hell real quick now, and it was more than he wanted to deal with. His mother, Peyton, new town, new school, new kids, the intensity around basketball was going to escalate beyond all reason now. Whitey and Dan going at each other endless times because Dan was such a prick to Nathan, and Whitey kept giving Dan hell about it, and then…there was Lucas. No more – he couldn’t read anymore. This baby was doomed to fucking hell he just knew it.

With a groan he pushed his computer aside, taking his plate to the kitchen. He cleaned up the mess he’d made with his cooking, loading everything into the dishwasher. He set the oven on warm, put the foil back on the chicken, and put it back in the oven so it would be warm when Haley got up to eat.

He went back to the bedroom to check on Haley. She was still soundly sleeping, she hadn’t moved a muscle. He sat on the edge of the bed watching her, gently pushing away the few strands of hair that had fallen across her perfect face. She was going to be beautiful pregnant – one of the glowing type. All short and round, smiling to himself at the visions. He dropped a soft kiss on her bare shoulder, resisting the urge to take a peek under the covers at what he knew was under there. Nothing but skin – nope not a good idea at all.

He was in desperate need of some air. He left Haley a note saying he was going out for a little bit, food was in the oven.

Making his way down to one of the gyms, he took up the stray basketball lying in the corner and began shooting. An hour later he was covered in sweat, and his mind was still as jumbled as ever. This wasn’t helping. He threw up one more shot and walked out.

Walking across campus the night air was refreshing. He counted no less than four pregnant girls – women – as he went. He’d never paid one bit of attention to it before. As far as he knew, he’d never seen a pregnant person on that campus the entire time he’d been there. Suddenly they were everywhere. And they all looked so…happy. Obviously the fathers of their babies weren’t about to screw their kids up like he was - lucky them.

He knocked on the door, resting back on the railing in front of it waiting for someone to answer.

“Hey man,” Lucas said with a head nod moving aside to let Nathan pass by him into the apartment. He poked his head back out the door turning it one way and then the other. “No Haley?”

“No. She’s umm…she’s sleeping. I just needed to get out for a while,” his voice much softer than normal.

Lucas took him in. Something was definitely wrong. “Yeah…okay. Have a seat – you want a beer?”

“Sure.”

“Peyton – bring two,” he called toward the kitchen.

“What the hell – Peyton’s here?”

“Yeah, the other three went to a movie. She had a test to study for so she stayed back, and I just wasn’t in the mood. She needed a break so she came over, only been here a few minutes. We were about to start a game on the Playstation – you want to play?”

“No thanks, you guys go ahead.”

“Are you alright man? You seem kind of…weird,” Lucas asked dropping down on the couch beside him.

“You chugging them two at a time now Lucas?” Peyton laughed coming back into the room with her beer and two others.

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Nathan sitting there. The somber look on his face told her all she needed to know. He knew.

“Hey Nate. I didn’t hear you come in. Guess this is for you,” she smiled handing him and Lucas their beers.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“So where’s Hales?”

“Sleeping. She’s…she umm - she’s just really tired. Doesn’t feel good, and I just…I needed to get out for a while,” he sighed tipping back his beer until it was gone. “Can I have another one Peyton?”

“Should I just bring out the whole box?” she said with a little laugh.

“Actually that’s not a bad idea,” Nathan said squeezing the empty can in his hand into a flat chunk of aluminum setting it on the table.

“You going to tell me what’s wrong before you get too blitzed to talk?” Lucas asked his concern growing as he watched his brother fidget beside him.

“Thanks,” he said to Peyton taking another beer from the box, sucking off the foam before tipping it back for a long drink.

Peyton plopped on the floor in front of them; Lucas looked toward her in complete confusion. Peyton tried to avoid eye contact with him, but couldn’t do it, giving a small shrug to his prying eyes. Nathan was here Haley wasn’t…he was drinking. This was not good Lucas knew.

“What’s going on Nathan?” Lucas tried again.

“What’s going on?” he repeated as he finished off another beer. “What’s going on, is I’ve officially become my father,” giving him a tight smile as he popped another top.

“Well that’s nice and cryptic. Care to expound on that?” Lucas asked glancing over at Peyton again.

Nathan finished off his third beer grabbing for a fourth. Lucas snatched the can out of his hand, quickly taking the box off the table and setting it beside him on the floor.

“Hey…come on. I’ll reimburse you I promise,” Nathan complained reaching for the beer Lucas held back from him.

“Whatever’s wrong Nathan…this shit isn’t going to help, or make it go away, so stop before you go too far alright. Tell us what you’re talking about.”

“I’m my father,” he chuckled lightly. He sat forward, letting his head fall heavily into his hands. They could see them beginning to tremble. He kept running them through his hair, before he lifted his head again, resting a shaky hand across his mouth, his eyes resting on an arbitrary spot on the far wall. The tears in his eyes were evident to both of them as they exchanged worried looks again. “I’m so afraid I’m my father,” his voice barely above a whisper, quickly swatting away the tears he’d mistakenly let slip out.

“Nathan, you’re nothing like Dan,” Lucas said quietly, placing a comforting hand on his back. “What the hell is it?”

“Haley’s pregnant.”

“Oh fuck,” Lucas blew out, falling with a thud against the couch. “God almighty Nathan! I thought you were fucking dying or something. You scared the shit out of me! What the hell does that have to do with Dan? Congratulations by the way,” he smiled nudging him firmly in the shoulder.

“Congratulations? Have you lost your god damn mind! I can’t have a kid,” he snapped at him, bolting up pacing around the room. “Can you imagine me with a kid? Holy shit – I’ll ruin the poor thing. I don’t know how to be a…a…father! The only example I had was the biggest mother fucker on earth! I’ll…god I’ll probably make the thing a basket case before it’s out of diapers. Jesus!”

“I hope to hell you didn’t act like this when she told you,” Peyton bitched hotly back at him.

“What…no…no I didn’t. I was very supportive – I promise. It’s just the more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize I can’t do this,” his frustration with himself growing.

“Nathan you’re not Dan. You’re not even close to being Dan. I can’t see you doing any of the crap to your own kid that he did to you. He was a freaking lunatic back then Nathan – you know that – you have to know you wouldn’t be like that. You can do it Nate.” Lucas couldn’t stop smiling at the flustered pace his brother was keeping in front of him.

“You don’t have a choice Nathan,” Peyton ground out. “Haley needs you, so buck up buddy. You’re having this baby. You know what Dan did - so now you know what not to do. Besides, Haley is definitely not Deb – there’s no way in hell she’s going to let you get away with the shit Deb let Dan get away with. She’ll see you in divorce court first. Which reminds me…when’s the wedding?” she asked with a pasted on smile.

Nathan couldn’t stop his pacing. Their cavalier attitude about this stunned him. Obviously they had no idea what this baby was in for. Lucas never lived with Dan – he only got shit on from afar – he had Keith as an example so what the hell did Lucas know anyway. But Peyton…she was there, she saw first hand what a prick Dan was. How could she not see it? See how much of a disaster this was going to be.

“What?” he stammered. “Wedding – did you say wedding?”

“Uhhh yeah,” she said sarcastically. “It’s not like you guys weren’t going there sooner or later. Looks like it’s sooner. Right?”

“Shit I don’t know,” he sighed dropping dejected back on the couch. “I brought it up, and she bit my head off – so I don’t know. Please can have another beer?”

“Here, I guess you could stand a few,” Lucas laughed handing him another can.

After the fourth one Nathan was beginning to feel a bit more relaxed. A couple more and he might actually be relaxed.

“So how’s Haley handling it?” Lucas asked sipping on his own beer.

“She’s…not so good. You think I’m not taking it well – you should see her. I think if she could have me castrated she would. She got her LSAT scores today too, and of course she scored out the roof,” he said with a proud smile. “I mean my god the girl got 175 out of 180. She could go anywhere she wanted…Harvard, Yale, where the fuck ever. And damn if she doesn’t turn up pregnant. She’s not happy about this believe me,” dropping his head back against the couch with another heavy sigh.

“Lots of people have gone to law school pregnant Nathan,” Peyton said grabbing herself another beer.

“That’s what I told her…it didn’t help. She was pretty pissed at me.”

“What – like she wasn’t there when it happened?” Lucas grumbled. “It takes two Nate - you untie her legs or something? Oh shit…I did not just say that,” closing his eyes and shaking his head at the completely dumb ass comment that had just spewed forth from his mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah…I didn’t hear it either,” Nathan grumped back at him. “Me neither,” Peyton added totally disgusted.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll get married and…drive on. I don’t know – she calmed down a little before she fell asleep, but it may start all over when she wakes up. I probably ought to get back.”

“You know Nathan – there are other options,” Lucas suggested quietly.

“Like what? You mean…no I don’t think that’s an option. Not with Haley it’s not. It’s not really with me either. I mean if that’s what she wanted, I guess I wouldn’t have any choice but to go along, but I wouldn’t be happy about it. We’re not teenagers in high school Lucas. We’ll be able to support a baby, and take care of it like it should be taken care of. We can get help if we need it. It’s not going to be easy – law school, and a baby, and me gone half the time…but no…that’s not the answer. I mean my god Lucas, our mothers – especially yours – predicaments were a hell of a lot more bleak than what mine and Haley’s are and we’re here so…that’s…no – forget it,” he finished continuing to shake his head.

“Good, I’m glad to hear it,” Lucas smiled at him. “A niece or nephew? This could be fun…I got dibs on the first drum set Peyton,” he laughed.

“That’s fine…a paint set is quieter, but can do sooo much more damage…the walls, the carpet…the dog,” all of them laughing together.

“I really need to go,” Nathan sighed pushing off the couch. “One more for the road,” holding his hand up to catch the beer Lucas tossed to him. “Hey,” he said turning back to them, “thanks a lot for listening. It really helped. I mean, I know I’ve been a total ass to both of you over the years, more times than either of us care to remember, and you’d have every right to…I don’t know – tell me I fucked up and I deserve whatever shit’s coming my way, but you didn’t so…thanks. It feels good to know you’re there for us.”

“Hey man you’re family. So you fucked up…who hasn’t,” Lucas shrugged smiling. “You can handle it – you’re not Dan, Nathan.”

Peyton pulled him into a tight hug, “Don’t worry okay, you can do this, you’ll do just fine. You’re going to be a great dad Nate. I love you,” she smiled, leaving a kiss on his cheek while trying hard to blink away the oncoming tears.

“Thanks. I love you too Peyton,” he smiled back, dropping a kiss on her head.

He started out the door once more before stopping again, “Can you guys not tell the others. I mean you can tell Brooke I guess, but just make sure she keeps her mouth shut. I’m sure Haley would rather tell Jake and Greg herself. Please. I know it’ll be hard not to tell Jake, Peyton, but please. She’ll tell them soon I’m sure.”

“Not a problem – mums the word,” Peyton smiled twisting her fingers over her lips locking them shut.

“Thanks. See ya.”

You’d think five beers would have him feeling pretty good, and it did relax him a little, but not near enough. He tossed his keys on the table as he came through the door, heading toward the bedroom when he caught sight of Haley out of the corner of his eye.

“Hey Hales,” he smiled. “Are you feeling better?”

She jumped up out of the chair and ran to him all but launching herself into his arms, the tears starting to pour again the minute she touched him.

Nathan cringed trying to quickly psych himself up for the latest round.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I mean I know I should have asked first, but it was there and I…I couldn’t stop myself. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did, and I’m really, really sorry,” she rambled on. “It’s terrible. You’re right - your father was a total shit and your mother wasn’t any better. I’m so sorry you went through all that Nathan. They don’t deserve to ever have you talk to them again. I can totally see why you hate them…you…”

“Stop! Holy crap Hales. You’re making my ears hurt. What are you rambling about?”

“That,” she said pointing to the computer, wiping at her wet face. “Have you been drinking?” she suddenly questioned.

“I had a few beers at Lucas’,” he said quickly. “Oh…I forgot about that. How far did you get?”

“High school.”

“High school?” he repeated nervously. High school was a bit more graphic, a few more details than just things about his parents. Things he wasn’t sure she’d be all that thrilled about…girls, and parties, and Lucas, and girls…and just…things. Oh dear. “How far into high school?” he asked with hesitation.

“I was actually just starting it.”

He fought back the huge sigh of relief he was about to let loose. “Okay – well that’s probably far enough then,” he smiled trying to nonchalantly free himself from her – going over to quickly shut off the computer.

“I’m sorry. I know I should have asked first. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Hey – it’s okay. Now you know why I’m such an asshole,” he smirked.

“You’re not an asshole Nathan. You’re wonderful,” she smiled peppering his face with little kisses. “The chicken was yummy,” she chirped happily before resuming the kisses.

“I’m glad you liked it,” chuckling at her renewed spirit. “It wasn’t quite up to your standard, but it was okay. I guess you’re feeling better?”

“Much. I was so tired. My stomach’s even better. I think the food helped, of course I may feel differently in the morning, but for now I feel good. So you went to Lucas’ – I guess you told him?”

“Yeah – I told him…and Peyton, she was there too.”

She quickly erase the flash of confusion that passed over her face at the mention of Peyton…she already knew. Obviously Peyton knew the meaning of discretion, and had feigned ignorance - probably for the best.

“And…”

“And they were really supportive. It was nice,” giving her a small smile, wondering if he should tell her more. “Honestly Hales…I was wigging out. I couldn’t get my damn father out of my head, and then I reread some of the stuff I’d written, and it just made it worse. But after talking to them, I do, I feel better about everything.”

“What did Jake and Greg say?” unable to hide the nervousness. Afraid her stupidity would disappoint them, and disappointing them was the last thing she wanted to do. The thought of disappointing her parents much less unsettling than disappointing the two of them.

“They weren’t there. Brooke either. I told them they could tell Brooke, but to let you tell Jake and Greg. I mean, you would rather tell them yourself, right?”

“Thank you,” hugging him again. “I would like to tell them myself. And our parents?”

“I’ve thought waaayyyy too much about my parents for one night. Let’s go to bed. The old folks are the last ones on my list to tell right now. Come on little mama,” he smirked, lifting her quickly over his shoulder carrying her toward the bedroom.

“Little mama?” she groaned loudly. “Just go back to baby,” she said reaching down to slap his butt.

“How ‘bout we just stick with Pinky?” laughing as he pinched her butt, dropping her gently on the bed.

“Okay, Pinky it is,” she giggled holding her arms up to him. “C’mere.”

Chapter 20

She’d fallen asleep in his arms only to find herself startled awake at four in the morning curled in a ball on the other side of the bed. Nathan was laid flat on his back typically sleeping like the dead, his chest rising and falling as steadily as his light breaths.

Her body was covered in a cold sweat. She rolled to her back, brushing the damp hair from her face trying to ease her panicked breathing.

She ran a hand lightly across her abdomen. The thought of someone in there that she and Nathan made almost made her smile, but the overwhelming thought of someone in there, someone going to depend on her for their every need, almost caused the tears to burst forth.

The panic was taking her again as she rolled off the bed hurrying into the bathroom easing the door shut before switching the light on. She turned on the cold water splashing it gently on her face, leaning on the edge of the sink attempting to take long deep breaths. The reflection that stared back couldn’t be her. She didn’t have the thoughts that the person in this reflection was having. She couldn’t imagine ever, ever contemplating what this person in the reflection was seriously contemplating. It wasn’t her.

It was the right way to go the reflection kept saying. It was the best thing for everyone. It was the right thing. Now just wasn’t a good time.

She looked away, ashamed to face herself any longer, wiping at the tears she finally felt running unabated down her cheeks. She couldn’t shake the thoughts. Running them repeatedly through her mind wasn’t helping the situation. They were going to be moving to god knows where, forcing her to enroll in whatever law school was available. She had all but reconciled herself to that idea, but that was before a baby was randomly thrown into the mix.

She couldn’t do it all.

She crawled back in the bed wanting to curl herself into Nathan’s warm body for comfort. She didn’t feel deserving of the comfort his body gave her, instead rolling on her side, curling into a tight ball again, her still crying eyes staring blankly into the dark room.

So far so good. She’d been up for twenty minutes and hadn’t had the urge to run for the bathroom yet. Her stomach didn’t feel exactly normal, but it wasn’t a complete wreck just yet either.

He’d read the instructions on the box. She’d read the instructions on the box. They were the same as they were the day before. Pee and wait. Although she had taken note it said first morning worked best. They decided to try that method. Anything to make the results different.

She shuffled out of the bathroom still in her pajamas. She could feel the puffiness in her face from lack of sleep and crying. Nathan usually noticed those things. Not today. His brain was as much a jumbled mess as hers.

She set the stick on the dresser. Both of them looked at the clock. Five minutes. She knew it wouldn’t matter if it was a hundred and five, nothing was going to change.

Nathan was sitting on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor, head resting in his hands. He hadn’t said a word since he’d gotten up. Haley had barely uttered more than a couple herself.

With another glance at the clock – four minutes – he went in the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Splashing cold water on his face he stared at his reflection letting the water drip aimlessly off him and into the sink. This was just…craziness. He could count on one hand, probably not even using all his fingers, the number of times he’d had sex without using protection. Now he knew why he’d been so careful.

He blew out a short breath wiping away the excess water. He hung up the towel, flipped off the light and came back into the bedroom. He eyed the clock before turning them to Haley. She gave him a resigned shrug moving to the dresser to retrieve the test stick.

She picked up the stick, already certain of what it would reflect. Sometimes it just sucked being right. She turned just enough to catch Nathan out of the corner of her eye leaning in the doorway, handing it to him without a sound.

It wasn’t any different than what he’d expected either. He shook his head slightly, unable to stop the long sigh.

“I guess that’s it huh?” he said quietly.

“Guess so,” she barely replied. She wanted to cry so badly, but knew it wouldn’t do any good so she swallowed it back. She bit hard on her lip, trying to keep them from trembling.

“I know this is all out of the blue, but we’ll work it out. I love you Haley. If you want to get married I’m more than willing to. I mean, I’ve wanted to marry you for a long time, I just…I kind of thought we’d do it a couple years down the road, but now’s fine too. If you want to…Haley?” He wasn’t sure she was listening to him any longer. She hadn’t turned around since she’d handed him the results, her hands knotting together as she stood stock still in front of the dresser. She hadn’t flinched, hadn’t responded to a word.

“Haley?”

“I’m not sure I want to have it.” Her voice was so timid, so barely audible even she wasn’t sure it was her that was speaking.

If she’d turned around and slugged him square in the gut he didn’t think he would have been as stunned. The breath wouldn’t have been knocked from him with any more force.

“I…I umm…I think I need you to repeat that because I’m not sure I heard you correctly,” he finally stumbled out.

“I said I’m not sure I want to have the baby.” Her voice wasn’t any stronger the second time it came out.

He had to sit down before he fell down. Two steps and he was back at the edge of the bed, having to feel behind himself before he sat down to make certain he wasn’t going to miss it.

He noticed his legs shaking nervously in front of him, pushing down hard on them with his hands trying to make them stop. He almost laughed at himself. His trembling hands trying to make his twitching legs stop. That wasn’t going to work. He kneaded his hands together over and over, anything to keep them from moving like they were.

“You want to have an abortion is that what you’re telling me Haley?” He knew it was his voice, but he had no idea how he was getting it to form words.

She couldn’t turn around. She couldn’t face him. She couldn’t even believe she was saying what she was saying; by the sound of Nathan he couldn’t believe it either.

“I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure. How not sure? Mostly sure yes, mostly sure no, or just…look at me Haley. Tell me what you’re thinking. Haley – look at me,” an edge creeping into his voice.

“I really need you to not get mad Nathan.”

“You need me to not get mad. What the hell Haley, you just finished telling me you want to get rid of our baby, and I’m just supposed to…to what? What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to say Haley? Go ahead, no big deal. I guess you’re going to have to tell me how I’m supposed to react because right now I’m too stunned to know what the hell I’m supposed to do.”

He knew he was loosing control; his inner voice was berating him to calm down. This wasn’t easy for her…calm down. It better yell louder because right now it was loosing the battle.

Her arms were gripped tight around herself. The only way to stop the trembling was to fist wads of her shirt over and over in her hands. Closing her eyes she drew in a deep breath before turning to take a seat on the other end of the bed from him.

“Why do you want to do this Haley?” he asked with unnerving calm once she had settled herself on the bed.

“I don’t think I can handle it,” came her shaky reply.

“Why?”

“I…I don’t know. I just don’t think I can. I’ve had a dream to be a lawyer all my life, it’s right here, and I just feel it slipping away. I know I won’t be able to handle school and you and a baby. I know I can’t. And…I’m not willing to sacrifice law school.”

“But you’re willing to sacrifice a baby? I was part of that list too Haley. Am I going be next to go if I get in the way of your dream?”

“Nathan,” she sighed heavily fighting back the tears brimming around her eyes. “It’s not the same thing. Law school is going to require so much time. How can I take care of a baby and do what it’s going to take to pass? You’re not even going to be there half the time Nathan. You…you just haven’t given the whole implications of a baby thorough thought Nathan. I know I can’t do it.”

The frustration was getting the best of him. He wanted to remain calm, reasonable, but this was so infuriating. In his wildest dreams he never thought she’d go there. It was beyond comprehension.

He’d begun pacing, his arms folded across himself. He felt totally left out of the process. She held all the cards, and the feeling of powerlessness was not something he was used to. Not something he could accept as easily as it seemed she wanted him to.

“Have you ever noticed you say that a lot Haley – ‘I can’t do it’. You sang I can’t pass the LSAT’s so many times it was unbelievable, and yet you almost aced the damn thing. Hell how many times did you tell yourself you couldn’t handle me before you finally gave in to the fact that you could, and here we are still together. The list of your ‘I can’t’ is so long I’m at a loss to name them all. But I do know they all had the same results. You did. And ninety-nine percent of the time you did it fantastically. You can handle this Haley. Why don’t you just be honest…you don’t want to.”

Her eyes shot over at his words. “That’s not true. I want to. I want to have children with you Nathan. I just can’t handle it right now. It’s not the right time. The baby would be the one to suffer and I don’t want that.”

“I guess the fact that we could get help doesn’t matter. There’s daycare. Hell we can hire a nanny Haley. Somebody to live there on the days I’m gone. There are plenty of good options to us Haley. I just don’t think this is one of them.”

“I want to raise my own children Nathan. I don’t want a nanny, and I don’t want them in daycare. I want to do it, and I can’t do that right now why can’t you understand that?” her own frustration was growing. Why couldn’t he see how hard this was going to be?

“I don’t know Haley,” he said quietly. “I don’t know why I can’t understand you, and I don’t know why you can’t understand me. But I do know this. I was so petrified when you told me you were pregnant. The more I thought about it, I was almost paralyzed with fear. Fear I’d be a complete ass of a father like mine was. But I decided with your help I’d be okay. We’d be okay. This child would be okay, as long as I had you. You’re all I needed to make it okay. It’s too bad you don’t have the same faith in me.”

“Nathan that’s not true. I have complete faith in you. This has nothing to do with you.”

He shook his head with a light scoff. “Well, you got that right. It obviously doesn’t have anything to do with me. This is all about you Haley. It’s your body. Isn’t that what they always say? I guess it’s true. I helped make it, but the rest…it’s all up to you, and it looks like you’ve made up your mind so I guess we’re done here,” he finished with resignation moving into the closet grabbing clothes off the hanger.

“Where are you going?” watching him hurriedly throw some clothes on, now rummaging around for his shoes. “Nathan. Where are you going? Don’t leave Nathan, please. We need to talk about this. Please don’t go.” She could feel the panic setting in the more furiously he moved.

“We’ve talked. You’ve decided. There’s nothing else to say Haley. I need to get out of here,” brusquely brushing past her, the begging pleas not slowing him.

It felt like she’d been lying on the couch sobbing for hours. Going to class today was not an option.

Her stomach was one huge knot. She’d been fighting waves of nausea all morning, hanging her head over the toilet more than once, but never pushed to the point of throwing up. She almost felt if she could, she’d get some relief. Her head was pounding from the crying. Queasy stomach, throbbing headache, and a boyfriend who’d stormed off to god knows where.

She’d left two messages on his phone already. The third time she hung up when his phone went straight to voice mail. He turned his phone off. He didn’t want to talk to her, and obviously he wasn’t coming home anytime soon. She swatted away the latest flurry of tears.

She sipped at her green tea; polishing off the piece of dry toast she finally felt confident was going to stay down. She played with her phone, flipping it open and closed over and over before finally gathering the nerve to call.

“Hey Hales,” Jake answered cheerfully.

“Hey,” she enthused back, hoping the fake smile she had pasted to her face would be reflected in her voice.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, not a whole lot. Do you have any classes this afternoon?”

“Done for the day, wooo hooo,” he cheered with a laugh. “Not much longer and we’ll graduate and be done with this crap. Well one of us will anyway.”

“Then you get to go to work everyday for the rest of your life,” she laughed.

“Yeah…thanks for that little downer.”

“What’s Greg up to, do you know?”

“Probably still in bed. Ever since the draft he’s real hit and miss on getting to class. If Brooke’s on his ass he’s a hit, otherwise he stays in bed and sleeps. I think she had an early class so he’s probably still asleep. This close to getting his degree and he’s being dragged kicking and screaming to the finish line.”

“Good thing for Brooke then,” smiling at the visions of tiny Brooke beating overgrown Greg’s ass out of bed. “You guys think we can have lunch today?”

“I can. I’ll go by and get Greg. Where you want to go?”

“Somewhere quiet. Somewhere simple…how about the Red Pump?”

“Sounds good. You want to just meet us there in about an hour? Table for four…Nathan’s coming right?”

Just his name made her want to start bawling. She held her breath for a quick moment. “No it’s just us,” she said carefree.

“Okay cool. We’ll see you then.”

Haley had been sitting in a back booth for a long ten minutes her napkin in shreds before the guys showed. She apparently had given the hostess a good description because she led them right to her without a bit of help.

She stood up with a dispirited smile clinging tightly to Jake, fighting the tears she felt forming hot in her eyes. He hugged her just as tightly, his eyes drifted up to Greg, his brow furrowing in worry.

Greg took her in his arms, holding her to him rubbing soothingly over her back when he felt her little body shaking from the tears she couldn’t hold back any longer. “Shhh it’s alright baby doll,” he coaxed softly. He was going to cry soon if she didn’t stop. He’d never been able to take a crying Haley.

“I’m okay,” she barely choked out behind a pathetic smile, releasing her grip on Greg as she scooted into the booth, Jake slid in next to her as Greg sat across from them.

She picked at the shreds of napkin trying to compose herself, figure out where she was supposed to begin. Jake rubbed over her back; Greg took up one of her hands, engulfing it tightly in his. The guys traded confused looks. They didn’t have a clue. But they both had silently reached the same conclusion…it had something to do with Nathan.

“You guys may want to stop being so nice,” smiling painfully, drawing a raged breath as she swatted further at her tears.

The waitress appeared inconveniently at the table glancing briefly at Haley’s reddened and puffy face. “Just bring us three iced teas,” Jake jumped in saving her from speaking. She shook her head, politely easing away.

“What’s going on Hales?” Jake asked gently.

“Oh,” she whined out with another sad smile. “Nothing much. Just kind of thought we should get together. Reminisce you know. I guess I’m feeling nostalgic or something. I mean…look at us…we’re all grown up. Look how far we’ve come,” she smiled sucking her lip between her teeth as she bit hard to stave off the renewed tears.

“Remember when it was just us? Our own little group of small town nobody’s. Life was so easy…so simple wasn’t it? You guys trying to protect me from the world, and me trying to keep your sorry butts out of trouble,” the smile she tried for never quite reaching her lips.

“We’ve almost made it though. We’re all about to graduate from college. Greg’s going off to Boston to be this big shot football player. I mean really…I never imagined when I used to walk home with you from your pee wee football games I was with a future pro. Whoever thought someone would pay you money to hand a ball to somebody else hunh?” she said through a tear soaked laugh. “And Jake’s got his choice of job offers in the big city. A future financial tycoon no doubt. And then there’s me…”

Greg could feel his own tears about to spill out watching Haley struggle to keep it together. He looked to Jake in a plea for help. Do something, his eyes clearly begged, because I don’t know what to do. Jake gave him a slight shrug in return continuing to rub over Haley’s back.

“Baby doll, you’re going to have to tell us what’s wrong before I turn into a blubbering idiot. Please Haley…let us help you okay?” Greg gently prodded, wrapping both his hands around hers.

“We’ve all found someone we’re madly in love with, and they’re even from the same small town. Can you believe that?” she choked out covering her mouth to stop the sobbing noise. “I’m pregnant,” she whispered.

Jake looked at Greg. Greg looked at Jake, both of their jaws tightening. The same thoughts were running through their heads. She’s pregnant…okay…now where the hell was Nathan?

“Where’s Nathan, Haley?” Jake asked appearing unaffected by the bombshell she’d just dropped.

Haley took the napkin Greg handed her wiping the dampness from her cheeks. She looked at Jake puzzled.

“I just said I was pregnant, and all you can say is ‘where’s Nathan’? I’m pregnant Jake,” she gritted under her breath.

“We heard you Haley. Congratulations. Now where’s Nathan? He’s the only reason I can think of that would having you crying like this,” Jake returned, his anger building.

“The only reason?” she retorted. “Congratulations? Are you kidding me? I’m pregnant. I have three long hard years of law school ahead of me. There are plenty of reasons to cry Jake.”

“Where is he Haley?” Greg repeated fighting off the urge to bolt from the restaurant, hunt Nathan down and kick his ass.

Haley let out a long hard sigh, shaking her head frustrated with their one track minds. “I don’t know,” she finally mumbled.

“Are you fucking kidding me,” Greg barked, both Jake and Haley practically leaped across the table to cover his big mouth.

“Shush,” Haley fussed, frantically waving her hands at him to keep it down.

“You tell him you’re pregnant and now you don’t know where he is? That’s bullshit Haley,” Greg gritted out his face red with anger.

“No! That’s not it,” she firmly insisted. “Look…you’ve got it all…you’ve got it all wrong okay. Just listen a minute,” she sighed deeply.

The whole table was full of deep sighing.

“It’s not how you think. I told Nathan, and he’s…he’s been great actually. He umm...he took it a lot better than I ever imagined he would. He’s more than willing to step up and…be there for me,” she said quietly. She leaned her elbows on the table deeply massaging her temples. Her headache was returning with a vengeance.

“If he’s being so great about it Haley why are you crying? Why don’t you know where he is?” Jake asked. He was in desperate need of clarification.

It was clear to her they didn’t get it either.

“Because…because we had this big blowup this morning. I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to have the baby. He was pretty upset about it. He left…I don’t know where he went,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper.

She went back to fiddling with the napkin shreds avoiding eye contact. She’d said it three times now, and it wasn’t getting any easier to say. Especially when the men in her life kept looking at her in the same stunned manner.

They didn’t know what to say. They weren’t sure how they were supposed to react to that. They glanced at the other, the looks of complete shock still etched on their faces.

The Haley they knew would never even entertain such a thought. She was always mom, pop and apple pie. The girl who was going to marry prince charming, have two point five kids, live in a house with a white picket fence, a chocolate lab running through the yard, all the neighborhood kids hanging out in her perfectly manicured home sipping kool-aid. She would never think of having an abortion, much less actually have one.

Jake looked at Greg silently pleading for him to say something. Greg tossed his hands in the air in surrender.

“You’ll have to start man…’cause I don’t have a clue what to say,” Greg sighed.

Jake leaned on the table rubbing at his forehead searching for words. “Why?” he finally mumbled out from behind his hands.

“I can’t do it. I can’t have a baby and go to law school at the same time. Move to who knows where with Nathan, spend hours trying to study, take care of a baby, take care of a relationship, try to maintain my sanity. I can’t do it all,” she said pleading with them to understand, see her side. “I won’t give up law school,” slapping away the tears that had dropped, her arms defiantly folding across her chest.

“Is somebody asking you to Haley?” Greg spoke up unable to hide his irritation with her constant defeatist, I’m not good enough attitude he’d been battling as long as he’d known her.

She narrowed her eyes at his tone. “No,” she snapped.

“Then what’s the problem?” Greg continued holding her glower. “You go to law school, you get help with the baby. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal Greg,” her voice raising, “is I want to take care of my own kids. I can not do it all! Why can’t any of you understand that? Maybe I’m not ready for a baby. Maybe I don’t want a baby right now.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that sooner,” Greg barked back.

“Greg, shit…pipe down,” Jake gruffly shot at him.

Greg folded his arms across his chest, he and Haley glaring at each other across the table. Jake wanted to slap the both of them. They had a problem to work on. He didn’t need to referee another one of their bitch matches right now.

Since high school he’d had to play referee with them. Greg’s aggressive, take no prisoners, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, stick your chin out there and dare them to hit you again ways always collided head-on with Haley’s peacemaker, don’t make waves, I’m sure I’m going to fail so why bother personality.

Greg couldn’t even spell fail.

It never stopped him from being right there to help her though, to catch her. Jake knew now would be no different. No matter how loud Greg barked he’d support and protect Haley to the end, no matter how bitter that ending was.

“Greg stop being an ass,” Jake griped. “Let’s have a civil, constructive discussion alright. Now…Haley…I must be missing something. Are you not going to have it because of law school or because you don’t want to? Because you’ve said both. Which is it?”

Haley sucked in a deep breath, raking her hands through her hair again. “First of all I never said I wasn’t going to have it. I just said I was thinking about it. And…I don’t know,” she sighed. “Most of it’s because of law school, but part of me just doesn’t want to because I don’t feel ready.”

“Is anybody ever ready Hales?” Jake chuckled easily. “You think you’re parents were ready when they got married at eighteen and started popping out a string of kids a year later? I highly doubt it.”

“And they struggled Jake. New marriage, kids everywhere…”

“And about a hundred years later they’re still together, and fairly happy from what I can tell. Could part of the reason be Nathan?” Jake offered sincerely.

Haley shook her head. “No,” she assured them. “He said he’d be there, and I’m sure he would. He’s offered to marry me,” she shrugged shaking her head dismayed. “I never thought I’d be the one to trap a guy into marriage. I always figured that’d be Taylor’s trick.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t think of it that way Haley,” Greg tried to reassure her.

“I just wish one of you would see my side of this. See how difficult this is going to be. I’m going to miss so much school. Nathan’s going to be gone a lot. More than likely I’m going to be somewhere I don’t know anybody except Nathan. I’ll have no help when he’s gone, and honestly…how much help will he be when he’s there? He knows squat about babies. And I barely know more than squat about them. I know we can get help, but…it’s just not the same. You guys know the nightmare Vivian went through with the nanny they had. They had to resort to the hidden cameras to find out they could have been leaving Danielle with the dog and gotten better care. It’s just too hard to trust people with your kids anymore.” She breathed out deeply rubbing at her temples again. “God I’m so tired.”

“Look Haley…I understand what you’re saying, I really do,” Greg reasoned earnestly. “But I also know you. I know how you always want everything to be perfect. And if you can’t do it perfectly, then you just won’t do it. I think this may be one of those times you need to ditch that attitude Hales. Because there’s something else I know about you too Haley. If you do this…you’ll regret it. You’ll second guess yourself for the rest of your life. You’ll beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life Haley. You’ll never be able to let it go.”

Haley couldn’t even see Greg across the table any longer. Her eyes were clouded over with tears. She’d been pushing those same thoughts out of her head. She was certain if she repeated it was the right thing to do enough, it would make it so.

Jake massaged across her neck waiting for her to compose herself again.

“I take it Nathan’s not in agreement with this?” Jake asked softly.

She couldn’t speak, only shaking her head.

“You know, I’ve never understood where the guy’s feelings are supposed to factor in to one of these decisions,” Jake honestly said. “I mean everybody knows the woman ends up with all the work ninety-nine percent of the time. Delivery, post delivery. I can see where it would be hard to worry about the father’s feelings.”

“I do care about Nathan’s feelings Jake,” she indignantly blew out. “That’s another reason this is so hard. You think I don’t know if I do this if may cause…cause an unrepairable problem between us? You think I don’t know that? But what’s going to be worse Jake…a child we’re not ready for, who’ll suffer too, or Nathan’s hurt feelings. He should be able to recover…a child won’t.”

“You need to talk to him Haley. Make him sit still and really have a serious talk with him. And listen to his side Haley. Have an open mind. You have to be in agreement, or at the very least he needs to understand your reasons or you’ll never get past this,” Greg stated plainly.

“I have no idea where he is,” she dejectedly whispered.

He looked at the road sign. Templin. Where the fuck was Templin? It may as well have said Timbuktu. He had no idea where he was, much less how he got there. He’d been aimlessly driving for the past three hours.

He finally reached over to turn down the blaring music. It had been screaming at him for the last three hours as well. He never heard a sound. Now he was not only lost, but half deaf…and almost out of gas. Terrific.

At least Templin has a gas station he thought pulling into the run down station that still had a full service garage. He nodded at the mechanic who was eyeing his SUV with suspicion as he wiped the oil from his hands. He passed into the tiny store, attempting to figure out where he was by inspecting the grease streaked road map that hung on the wall inside the door.

Holy crap, much longer and he’d be in Tennessee. Where had the day gone? Where had his mind gone?

He started out in the gym. Lifting weights, running, shooting basket after basket. He felt lucky when he found some clean clothes still in the back of his car to change into after his shower in the gym. He could avoid going home, and keep from smelling. Perfect.

He actually found himself at the mall. How that happened he had no idea. He really was desperate to avoid home he thought. He ventured in a couple of sports stores. Maybe he’d get a new pair of basketball shoes. He looked them up and down before leaving empty handed.

He wandered in and out of every jewelry store in the place. He’d slowly walk by the cases until he found the engagement rings. The minute he stopped he’d be greeted by some female sales woman with a big smile wanting to help him pick just the right one for the “lucky girl” they all said.

He’d stuff his hands deeply into his pockets, give her a small smile, and mumble something about “just looking.”

Too many women with strollers had him fleeing before long.

As he drove on he began to wonder why he was so bothered by the idea. He didn’t even like kids. He hadn’t been around many, but the ones he had, drove him insane.

Maybe it was the fact that it was his. He knew part of it was his own mother. She’d been in a similar situation. She sucked it up and had him. Of course, she was far from an award winning parent. Perfect example of why it was a good idea he thought shaking his head.

And then there was Karen. Perfect example of why it was a bad idea. Perfect example of how it could all turn out just fine. Lucas had told him how their father had encouraged her to have an abortion, and she wouldn’t do it. She took the hard road. Haley…she wanted the easy way out, scoffing aloud to himself at the thought.

It was almost nine o’clock by the time he made it back to Chapel Hill. He hadn’t eaten anything all day. His empty stomach wouldn’t be ignored any longer. He pulled into Clyde’s sports bar, settling himself on one of the stools at the bar.

The place was near full. Country music was playing near the pool tables. Nathan’s eyes never strayed from the televisions behind the bar. They were offering a choice of ESPN, a truck race, or the golf channel. ESPN was the easy winner.

He strained to hear over the noise. He felt his body relaxing as he polished off his fourth gin and tonic. The hamburger he was eating unable to offset the alcohol effects.

They were talking about the basketball draft again. There was his name. This group of talking heads had him slotted in the top ten for sure. Seattle the most likely place. Seattle. Seattle…damn it! He ordered up another drink requesting a couple of Tequila shots to go with it this time.

He didn’t know how long he’d been there, but it had been a while. He was numb. Inside and out. He was certain the bartender was watering down his drinks now. He had no idea how many he’d had. He snorted, rolling his eyes lazily when the bartender refused to give him another Tequila shot.

He smelled her before he saw her, the sweet smelling perfume wafting up to his nose. It was sweeter than Haley’s. Haley’s was much better. He loved it when Haley would dab it in those provocative little places, then giggle till he had her moaning when he kissed her there.

“Hi,” she smiled when he finally looked toward her.

She wasn’t sitting on the vacant stool next to him. Instead choosing to squeeze herself into the tiny bit of space between his stool and it. He couldn’t help but brush against her as he turned when she spoke.

“Hi,” he replied with a small smile.

She stretched to grab the stem of a cherry out of the container just over the bar. Her ample breasts pushed out the top of her skin tight shirt as she did. Nathan’s eyes drifted down to them, noting the hint of black lace that peeked out the plunging neck. They may not have been real, but she got her moneys worth he thought. Full and round…definite D’s.

She sucked at the cherry, holding the stem as her tongue played with it. Nathan was transfixed on her slithering tongue. When he saw Haley’s tongue move like that she was usually…he shook his head away.

“Can I buy you a drink?” smiling at the way he was desperately trying not to stare. He didn’t answer.

“Hey,” she said leaning into him, her breasts pushing against his arm, “can I buy you a drink?” she repeated with a sultry giggle.

Nathan sucked in a sharp breath at the feel of her breasts against him. He turned back to her, his eyes set on her chest that was bubbling out of her top. “Sure,” he finally answered.

She motioned to the bartender who set drinks in front of them. Nathan quickly took a gulp. It was all but pure water. He glared at the bartender who shrugged back with a little chuckle before moving down to customers at the other end of the bar.

“Something wrong with it?” She took his glass from his hand for a small sip. “You must have been here a while,” she giggled again when the alcohol taste was all but non-existent.

“Yeah,” he said with another small smile.

“Oh dear. Trouble in paradise?” she smiled sympathetically. Nathan returned it with a tight smile of his own. She leaned into his ear, rubbing her breasts more firmly against him. “Her loss I say,” she purred dropping a light kiss on his jaw.

Nathan bit hard on his lip, taking another quick breath, easily leaning his head away from her too close red lips. Her perfume was smelling better.

“I’m Nicole. What’s your name?” she asked relaxing away from his body a bit. She smiled brightly as she pushed her hair back, resting a hand on her hip, straightening her posture a little more, letting the material of her shirt tighten further across her chest.

“Nathan,” he mumbled. He couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting to her chest again, the deep cleavage. They were so full. A handful for sure…more than a mouthful though he mused.

“So what’s your story Nathan?”

“Nothing much.”

“Oh I think there’s something. Looks like you’re nursing a broken heart.”

“No,” he said finally taking in her face more thoroughly. She was pretty. Actually quite attractive. Blue eyes, light brown hair. The red lipstick on her pouty mouth had his attention now. He stayed locked on her mouth as she talked, constantly running her tongue across her lips.

She was totally attuned to the effect she was having on him. Continuing to giggle, and seductively rub his arm, resting her hand over his, playing lightly with his fingers before Nathan slowly eased his hand back into his lap. Shit, he hadn’t noticed it, but he did now. He had a total hard on.

He blew out a quick breath, working himself further onto his stool.

“Can I give you my number? I’d love to get together sometime. Not that we have to end the evening now or anything,” she quickly added to ward off any misunderstanding she was done with him. “Personally I wouldn’t mind taking our conversation…or whatever, somewhere else. How ‘bout we go have a little fun.” She couldn’t help but smile at Nathan’s blush. She laid a hand on his thigh, stroking it up and down, inching it ever higher. “How ‘bout it Nathan…I promise I can rock your world,” she purred hotly in his ear.

He turned his head slightly toward her, his eyes focused again on her lips that were mere inches from his, but didn’t answer. A quick tight smile reached his lips before he turned away again, picking up the business card she’d laid in front of him. Nicole Harte. VP Customer Accounts. First National Bank. He turned it over to find the phone number she’d written out for him.

“Think about it. I’ll be right back,” she cooed in his ear, all but laying out on his back as she passed behind him.

He turned his head, watching her walk away. Her pants fit as tight as her shirt, every curve accentuated further as she swung her hips in a lustful gate. Nathan licked his lips, blowing out another light breath, the strain in his pants pressing against the hand in his lap.

The bartender moved back to his end, leaning back against the bar, his arms folded across his chest taking in Nathan’s flushed face with a smirk. Nathan felt the eyes on him, shaking away from Nicole to see the bartender staring at him knowingly.

He bit at his lips, glancing once more in the direction Nicole had just gone. He closed his eyes, a long hard sigh seeping out as he shook his head. With one more glance at the bartender he slid off the stool, grabbing the bar briefly to steady himself. His head felt like a muddled mess. He glanced down at the front of his pants, giving the waist a little tug hoping things weren’t as obvious as it felt they were. He grabbed up her card, stuffing some money in the tip jar with a small nod to the bartender.

He paused briefly at the door, glancing down at the card. “Here, that brunette in the blue asked me to give this to you,” he said with a smile to the balding man sitting on a stool near the door with his buddies. “She’s hot for you man,” he winked patting him on the back with a chuckle as he pushed past him and out the door.

Sitting in the parking lot of the apartment complex he rolled down all the windows letting the cool night air fill the car. He was hoping the extra waiting would give him the courage to go in, further clear his head. He had no idea what to expect.

This is not helping he finally sighed after several long minutes. He rolled up the windows, hitting the auto lock on his key as he walked unsteadily away. The car beeped cheerfully behind him.

Glancing at the clock on the wall he noticed for the first time it was closing in on midnight. The apartment was silent. The living room was dark, save for the lamp on the coffee table in the corner which was turned on dim. She always turned the lamp on for him when he wasn’t home before she went to bed. He shook his head lightly at the familiar gesture.

He’d barely laid his keys on the table, still fumbling with retrieving the change from his pocket when he heard her small apprehensive voice.

“Hi,” she nervously greeted him.

He glanced up to see her standing across the room. Her body was barely visible in the dim light. She had her arms folded tightly around herself. She tucked her hair behind her ear for the second time since he’d looked up, the edge of her bottom lip placed beneath her teeth.

“Hi,” he returned quietly, pulling his wallet from his back pocket, tossing it on the table next to his keys.

“It’s kind of late,” she said intently watching him.

“Yeah I know.”

He moved toward the kitchen, bumping against the table as he unsteadily went for a glass. He almost dropped it. He flipped on the light so he could get his bearings. He grasped it more assuredly, turning the faucet on, filling the glass with water. He drank two full glasses before setting it in the sink.

He turned too quickly, grabbing the counter to steady himself. She was standing in the kitchen doorway, her arms still hugging herself, still watching him.

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yes,” he mumbled. He rested back against the counter, his hands at his sides, pressing into the counter to hold himself still. He stared back drunkenly at her concerned face.

She stood before him in her blue striped pajama shorts. They barely peeked out from beneath his grey Tarheel basketball t-shirt that hung loosely around her. Her braless breasts pushed out over her folded arms. Her feet were bare, not covered by her usual fuzzy pink slippers. She looked tired. Very tired. She didn’t have an ounce of makeup on, and her hair was in a twisted mess on the back of her head.

He found her stunningly beautiful as always. Incredibly sexy per usual. He couldn’t keep his eyes from roaming her perfect body.

He knew he was hopelessly in love with her. Nothing would ever change that.

“How drunk are you?”

“Very.”

“And you drove home like that?” she said biting back the tirade she desperately wanted to let loose at his stupidity.

“Yep.”

“Why didn’t you call me to come get you? You could have had a wreck. Hurt yourself or hurt somebody else Nathan.” She couldn’t stop the anger from creeping into her voice.

He shrugged. “I didn’t want to bother you. Besides…I’m here in one piece. I didn’t hit anybody. Nobody hit me. No blood, no foul,” he shrugged again.

She looked at her feet with a small sigh, shaking her head. She’d been preaching to herself all day, all night – don’t fight with him when he gets home. Calm discussions she’d kept repeating. That was before she knew he was going to slink in at midnight completely soused.

“So this is what you’ve been doing all day…drinking?” She said hugging herself tighter, balling the t-shirt over and over in her hands.

“No, not all day. Just all night,” he smiled simply.

“What did you do all day? I tried to call you. Your phone was off I guess. I wish you’d have called so I knew you were okay.”

“Let’s see…what did I do,” his forehead creasing in concentration. “I…hmmm…I worked out. Went for a drive. A really long drive actually. To Templin. Ever been to Templin Haley? Haven’t missed much if you haven’t,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “It’s tiny. I had to look at the map to figure out where I was. Hell, I was almost to Tennessee,” he laughed. “Oh yeah…I went to the mall believe or not,” he laughed again. “I looked at engagement rings…”

“Nathan…” she sighed sadly. Her arms dropped heavily at her sides as she took a couple of steps toward him.

“No no,” he said holding his hands up to stop her. “Don’t worry, you’re safe, I didn’t buy anything,” the smile he gave her never reaching his lips. “So…enough about me. What’d you do today? Anything I need to know?”

She bit at her lip, briefly closing her eyes with a long sigh.

“I had lunch with Jake and Greg.”

“Sounds like fun.”

“Not really,” she sighed running a ragged hand over her hair. “They’re not just…they’re not real happy with me either.”

“Oh well,” he shrugged. “That’s men for ‘ya. Guess we’ll all just have to get over it huh?” He sighed pushing himself off the counter trying to slide past her unmoving figure. “I’m all talked out Haley. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

“Nathan don’t,” she said softly, grabbing onto his arm holding him in place. “Don’t shut me out. We need to talk.”

He glanced down into her soulful brown eyes. Eyes that were pleading with him to understand. He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, brushing his hand tenderly down her cheek. “I love you,” he said softly, leaning down to drop a kiss on her head. “Goodnight.” He tried to move out the door, only to have Haley grip his arm tighter.

“Just a minute,” she said a slight quiver in her voice. She pushed up on her toes, her nose nuzzling into his neck before taking deep whiffs of his shirt.

She swallowed hard against the lump that immediately jumped up in her throat. She felt the cold panic taking over, the angry tears springing up in her eyes. She looked hard into his confused eyes hoping she could find the truth there so she didn’t have to ask. Her eyes caught the light dust of red lipstick on his jaw.

“What else did you do today Nathan?” she spit out pushing the arm she held harshly away, her arms immediately locking together again.

“I told you what I did.” Her stark change baffled him.

“I’m thinking you skipped a detail. Like was she blonde, brunette, or redhead. Considering the shade of lipstick, I’d say probably not a redhead. They usually shy away from red lipstick. So that leaves blonde -always one of your favorites - or brunette. Which was it?” Her voice was getting louder, the anger behind it momentarily startling him.

“None of the above,” he scoffed rolling his eyes like she’d lost her mind.

“Really,” she snapped, taking her thumb to rub hard against the stain on his jaw. She shoved her thumb in his face. “That says different Nathan!” She jostled him as she grabbed harshly at the collar of his shirt pushing it up under his nose. “That smell says different Nathan! That’s not even close to any perfume I have!”

He jerked his shirt out of her hand, tugging it away from his face, his jaw tightened as they glared at each other.

“It’s nothing Haley. Nothing happened.”

“Fuck you!” she yelled shoving him back against the door frame. “You’re a damn liar Nathan! Something sure as hell happened. You have lipstick on your face and you smell like a perfume counter! Don’t stand there and lie to me,” she continued to yell pushing him again before her balled up fist landed hard against his chest.

He grabbed her arms before she could hit him again holding them tightly as she struggled to free herself. “Stop it Haley! Stop it! Nothing happened. Some girl came onto me in the bar. That’s all! QUIT!” he yelled when she continued to fight his hold.

“Let go of me! You…god…you fucking liar!” She was almost hysterical as she wrestled against his grip. “Let go!”

“Don’t hit me,” he said trying to sound much calmer than he felt. In his drunken state he was having a hard time keeping up the energy to fight her off. “I’ll let go if you don’t hit me again Haley.”

“You deserve to be hit!”

“No I don’t! I didn’t do anything. She came on to me, I left. I didn’t do anything with her Haley. I didn’t leave with her, I didn’t do shit with her! I didn’t kiss her…I didn’t touch her Haley. Nothing happened!” He released her arms, but kept his hands up, ready to defend himself against another attack.

“Obviously she kissed you! Just let her do all the work so you could feign innocence Nathan? What’d you get, a Bill Clinton ‘I didn’t have sex with that woman’ blow job? Huh Nathan? Is that what she gave you? Should I check down there for evidence,” she growled grabbing for his belt.

Nathan swatted her hand away. “This is bullshit Haley! I didn’t do anything with her means just that…NOTHING! PERIOD!” he screamed his face red with fury from defending himself.

“Somehow I don’t believe you Nathan,” she said her erratic breathing belying her suddenly calm voice.

He was fighting for control of his own breathing. Their eyes were boring into one another.

“Then don’t believe me Haley. But that’s the truth,” he gritted matching her unnatural calm.

“You drag in at midnight completely wasted after being gone the entire day, with your phone conveniently off. You have lipstick on your face, your shirt is bathed in perfume and I’m just supposed to swallow the nothing happened story. Forgive me if I’m a little skeptical,” she said sarcastically rolling her eyes.

“Look…I can see where it looks bad alright Haley. But I swear to God that’s the truth. Yeah, she came on pretty strong I admit, but I didn’t bite. I’m majorly in love with you in case you’ve forgotten,” he sighed frustrated.

Amazing how screaming sobers you up he thought, rubbing a shaky hand over his head.

She watched his every move. She could usually detect when he was being less than truthful. He was a horrible liar. This time she wasn’t sure. He just had that hint of guilt in his eyes.

She gave him a hard nudge with her body as she huffed past him into the living room. She was enraged, her chest pounded as she paced back and forth. He stood stone faced in the doorway watching her pace.

She began shaking her head back and forth as she paced. “This…this is perfect timing Nathan. Just perfect. I get pregnant, and you decide it’s just the time to start screwing around on me. Nice. Just further proof we have no business having a child.”

“BULLSHIT! Bullshit on that Haley! Don’t you even fucking try that! This has nothing to do with you not wanting to have our child so don’t even try and use this as an excuse! No fucking way Haley! That’s all on you honey, not me! I didn’t do a god damn thing with that girl. If you don’t want to believe me fine, don’t fucking believe me. But don’t you DARE try and make this into an excuse for you doing something you know in your hearts not right!”

“Don’t you dare get all moral with me Nathan!” she screamed appalled

stomping up to him.

“I’m not getting all moral with you Haley. I’m sure there’s a time and place for an abortion, but this isn’t one of them! And you know it!” He could feel his blood pressure soaring out the roof, could feel the red rage in his face.

“You don’t understand! You refuse to understand! You refuse to see my side. Why can’t anybody see my side!”

He drew in a deep raged breath. He was fighting to catch his breath, his chest heaving heavily as his hands ran fiercely through his hair.

“Because your side doesn’t make any sense!” he roared at the top of his lungs, his arms flailing around him. Haley’s body jumped back at the volume. “You can have law school Haley! You can have it all! You don’t have any faith in yourself Haley. In us. You have no faith in me Haley, and I don’t understand why. What have I done the last four years to make you think I can’t handle this huh? That I won’t be there for you. What? Tell me!” he bellowed again.

Her jaw was set hard, her own chest pounding and short of breath as she glared up into his outraged reddened face.

She closed her eyes trying to calm herself, taking in long deep breaths.

“I’m going to bed,” she finally mumbled turning on her heels walking slowly to the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Her eyes snapped tightly together, sucking in a tense breath when she heard the front door slam shut.

She only opened her eyes, allowing the tears loose, when she heard the door open and close quietly ten minutes later.

Chapters 21 - 22

1 - 3 :: 4 - 7 :: 8 - 11 :: 12 - 13 :: 14 - 15 :: 16 - 17 :: 18 :: 19 :: 20 :: 21 - 22 :: 23 - 24 :: 25 - 26 :: 27 - 28 :: 29 - 32 :: 33 - 35 :: 36 - 37 :: 38 - 39 :: Epilogue