Almost There and Back Again

by Nancy

Chapter 23

The rain was splashing through the broken window, bathing the leather seat, causing the shards of glass laying there to sparkle against the headlights that shone blindly into the battered car.

The air bag collapsed in his lap almost as quickly as it had blown up in his face. It took him more than a few seconds to get his bearings. “Shit,” he mumbled trying to shake the confusion. He swiped absently at his face, wiping away the water that was settling there. He held his hand up to block the light glaring in at him as he glanced toward the seat next to him. The empty seat. “Hales?” He couldn’t quite… “Haley…”

The panic was taking over as he frantically called her name. It was all coming back. He grabbed the steering wheel twisting himself so he could see in the back. The glass was spattered across the backend where the outside of the car seemed to be filling up half the interior.

The sounds of the sirens screaming toward them were rising above the continued thunder and endless torrent of rain.

He continually cursed as he fought to untangle himself from the collapsed air bag lying in his lap, finally finding the door handle he shoved against it with his shoulder stumbling out into the downpour.

He could see her more clearly now. The way she was laid back against the backseat, under different circumstances, he’d of thought she was peacefully sleeping. Except you didn’t sleep with glass in your lap, or in your hair, or with blood dotting your face and skin.

His hands were shaking so badly he could barely grasp the handle tight enough to lift it. He brushed his hand over her still face. “Hales…baby…come on baby.” He could barely choke out the words.

He hastily jerked his almost soaked suit coat off to lay it across her. The rain just wouldn’t ease. It was hitting her from both sides now. He cupped his hand around her face lightly brushing his thumb over her cheek. “Haley,” he tried again. “Hang on baby helps almost here,” he whispered in her ear as he held her head to his trenched chest. “You’re going to be okay…I love you, it’s going to be okay,” he repeatedly whispered kissing and stroking her hair. He’d never felt so helpless. He was fighting his instinct to pull her into his lap, but everything in him said not to move her.

“Is everyone alright?” He was startled at the deep voice of the man standing outside his open door, an umbrella over his head.

Nathan squinted against the rain. He had no idea where he came from much less why he was asking him questions. Stupid questions. He didn’t answer, only continued to whisper to Haley. He repeatedly talked low to her, tugging the coat tighter around her body.

The man stood in the doorway, umbrella over his head now shielding Nathan’s legs that were draped outside the car. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you. The lightening…the light…everything went black…I couldn’t stop…the rain…I just…” He finally stopped talking. Nathan was ignoring him, or was too out of it to even hear him, he wasn’t sure which. “Finally,” the man mumbled.

The piercing blast of the sirens caused her body to jerk. Her eyes fluttered open. She jerked against him, groaning at the noise, and the water, and the instant pain that filled her head.

“Haley!” He eased back smiling into her glassy eyes that reflected back utter confusion. “Helps here baby. You’re going to be alright okay, you’re gonna’ be alright.”

“Nathan.” He laughed at the joyful sound of her barely audible voice.

“I’m here. It’s okay Hales I’m here. You…,” he was interrupted by the paramedics that had hurried over to the battered car helping him out of the way.

He was numb, but his temper was about to take over at the seemingly endless string of ridiculous questions of the police officer.

“It was green. I already said that. It was green, I went. He came out of fucking nowhere and slammed into us. End of story alright. I need to get over there and see about my girlfriend,” he blew out reaching for the door handle.

“In a minute Mr. Scott. They’re taking good care of her I promise. You’ll just be in the way. At least it’s dry in here,” the officer offered.

“I’m already soaked so it doesn’t really matter at this point. Damn it,” he gritted out frustrated. He could see Haley sitting up in the backseat, the paramedic bent into the door flashing lights in her face and doing what looked like countless things he couldn’t see to her. She had to be scared. He needed to be there.

“We’re almost done. Have you had anything to drink tonight?”

Nathan looked at him like he’d grown a second head. He couldn’t seriously be implying this happened because he’d been drinking.

“What?” he asked incredulously.

“Have you had anything to drink tonight? Any alcohol?”

Nathan bit at his lip shaking his head trying to keep composed. He blew out a light breath. “Yes. We just came from the UNC basketball banquet. Yes, I had a couple of drinks.”

“How many is a couple?”

“A couple! A couple as in two! Two lousy fucking watered down scotch and waters okay! They were a hell of a lot more water than scotch I promise. I’m not drunk! I’m not even fucking buzzed. Jesus man I need to get over there!”

“Settle down alright,” the officer barked back. “She’s in good hands. You need to take a breathalyzer test,” he said going about gathering things.

“Fine. I’ll take the damn test. I’ll touch my nose and walk a line or dance a damn jig if that’s what you want, just hurry the hell up so I can get out of here.”

He blew in the machine. More than once he made him blow in the machine. Between the rain and all the activity around the car he could barely see Haley anymore. He was about to explode.

“You’re good,” the officer finally said as he jotted notes on his report. “You’ll still have to take a blood test at the hospital though. You can go. She’s going to be okay,” the officer tried with a small smile. Nathan ignored him bolting from the car.

He made it back to his car in time to hear Haley arguing with the paramedics about getting in the ambulance. They were all looking at each other with growing annoyance.

“Hey, you’re not giving them a hard time are you Hales?” Nathan gently teased with a soft smile. He bit hard on his lip to keep back the grimace he felt at the sight of all the little cuts on her face and shoulders and the already purple knot that was clearly visible on her forehead. She looked so small and delicate sitting there with her torn dress in the crumpled car surrounded by uniforms.

“God, where have you been?” she whined throwing her arms tightly around his neck when he squatted down beside the open door. Only then did she allow the tears to fall. He rubbed over her back letting her further dampen his shoulder.

“You need to get in the ambulance Haley,” he gently prodded dropping a light kiss on her shoulder.

“Not unless you go with me.”

“Just try and stop me,” he chuckled. He brushed a shaky hand across her cheek before stepping back to let them help her out. He knew he wasn’t a good actor, he only hope his face belied the shear panic he could feel consuming him.

The paramedics helped Haley into the back. Nathan grabbed one of them by the arm as he climbed out to make room for Nathan. “Did she tell you she’s pregnant?” Nathan quietly mumbled to him.

His eyes locked on Nathan’s for a few brief seconds. He shook his head.

“No…no she didn’t. She’s a little disoriented at the moment though.” He glanced back into the open ambulance door watching his partner flash the light over Haley’s eyes yet again. “You umm…you need to get in Mr. Scott we really should be going.”

It was the first time he’d noticed it. The first time he’d felt it. He took his left hand from where he’d been lightly rubbing over her gown covered shoulders turning it one way and then another, a frown forming on his brow.

His hand was swollen. His fingers were twice their normal size, and he could see them already bruising. It was the first time he’d noticed the aching pain. He shook his head with a light sigh going back to rubbing her shoulders.

“Anywhere it doesn’t hurt?” he asked with a little smile. He reached up gently tugging yet another small chunk of glass from her hair.

Her hand was clutched around her side. “It hurts to breathe,” she quietly answered with a hurried breath. “My side is killing me, my head is pounding and I feel like I’ve been in a car wreck, but other than that I’m good.” Her eyes squinted tight at the deep breath she had to take after that string of words.

“Don’t talk Hales,” he whispered into her hair. “Somebody’s bound to be in here any second.” And if they weren’t, he was going to ballistic on the first person he saw wearing scrubs outside this room.

Nathan jerked open the door ready to unload on someone when he was almost bowled over by a short balding man. The man stopped dead, peering annoyed at Nathan over his half glasses. Nathan met his annoyed gaze with one of his own. The man motioned toward the room. “In or out,” he waved at Nathan, impatient for him to move on.

Nathan rolled his eyes stepping aside to let him pass into the room before resuming his seat beside Haley on the bed, slipping his arm around her waist.

“Miss James?” Haley nodded. “Dr. Jackson,” he greeted with a small smile offering her his hand.

“That’s a nasty knot on your head.” He gently pressed on the bruise. Haley winced at his touch. Nathan gritted his teeth tighter. It was all he could do not to threaten the man. The doctor cut his eyes at Nathan and the air he’d just heard him agitatedly suck in. “Have a seat…in the chair,” he flatly instructed. Nathan shook his head in irritation but did as he was told.

He helped Haley lay out on the bed. He poked and prodded at seemingly every part of her body. The nurse wrote down every mumbled observation he gave her. He took the chart from the nurse scribbling down his own notes before handing it back to her.

“How far along are you Haley?” he asked with a gentle voice.

“Along what?” Haley asked back in confusion.

The doctor glanced to Nathan who rubbed tiredly at his head before opening his mouth to speak. The doctor held his hand up to him before he could get anything out. He focused in on Haley again.

“I was told you’re pregnant.” He flipped up a couple of pages in the chart. “I don’t have labs back yet to confirm, but…are you?”

Haley closed her eyes. Her head was so muddled, so confused, and god it was pounding unmercifully. She could hardly think straight, she squint her eyes tight trying to focus.

The wreck was one big blur. All she could see was rain, rain, and more rain. The last thing she remembered was something about her CD’s and that was it till the she heard sirens and felt Nathan’s arms around her. And everything was so wet, including Nathan. She tried to rewind further. It made her head hurt worse to have to concentrate so hard.

Nathan was biting furiously at his lip. He could answer all of this if the damn doctor would quit looking at him like that. Cutting his eyes at him in an obvious let her do it manner. He wanted to knock him out so badly. It felt like he was torturing Haley. She was suffering enough without the added stress of unnecessary questions. His constant fidgeting in the chair and the heavy sigh he’d just let go drew Haley’s attention. She turned her eyes on Nathan.

The second she saw his tense face her eyes clouded over with tears. Her hand flew to her mouth to stifle the cry she felt about to spill out. The vision of her and Nathan posing for the camera, his hand across her stomach, their faces one glowing grin flashed across her mind.

“Nathan,” she sobbed out grasping tightly to the hand he’d thrust into hers. He bolted up beside her wrapping a protective arm around her head, stroking softly over her hair dropping kiss after kiss on her head.

“It’s okay Hales…it’s okay baby,” he soothed wiping at the endless stream of tears that poured down her cheeks. He could feel her whole body; see her body, physically trembling under his touch. “Easy Hales…easy,” he softly coaxed choking back his own tears.

The doctor was trying to bring their attention back to him.

“How far along are you Haley?” he gently interrupted.

Haley couldn’t begin to form words. Her attempt at speaking ended more a whimpered moan as her words fell short of her lips. “She’s about ten weeks. Her…her first doctors appointment is tomorrow…was tomorrow,” Nathan stumbled out. “But…ten weeks is pretty close.” He turned his focus back to Haley as he continued to stroke through her hair.

“Okay…I’m umm,” the doctor blew out a light breath. “She…you took some extremely hard blows Haley. That’s obvious from the bruising already showing on your chest and upper torso area. You’re having a few memory problems. I can say with utmost confidence you have a concussion. We’ll need to get x-rays and a sonogram to determine anything further. Cursory exam, I’d say you have possible cracked or broken ribs. Your left knee needs further checking. Again, we need x-rays. As for the baby…I’m not going to begin to speculate Haley. The womb can be a very resilient place, but you got tossed around pretty hard. You’re not cramping, but then again you hurt everywhere, and what doesn’t hurt is numb, so it may be a little hard to tell. We’ll have to let further tests tell us the details of everything okay?”

Haley wasn’t listening anymore. She was numb alright. Her sobs had turned into silent tears. The only noise she made was the trembled choking noises as she fought off further sobs. Her eyes stayed transfixed on the ceiling as the doctors words washed over her.

Nathan’s worry grew more anxious as he watched the transformation. He was afraid she was going into some sort of shock. His eyes darted nervously between the doctor, the nurse and Haley. They offered nothing but an apprehensive gaze.

“I…umm…god…umm I thought you couldn’t get x-rays if you were pregnant?” He asked kissing lightly on Haley’s bruised forehead again. He was so confused he didn’t know what to ask. It felt like he was miserably failing her.

“No, it’s alright. The level of radiation is so low in your average x-ray there’s really no chance of harm. We need to get her down there Mr…,” he hesitated realizing he hadn’t bothered to ask Nathan his name.

“Nathan Scott,” he muttered taking a gentle hold of Haley’s arm to help the nurse ease her up from the table and into the wheelchair. He wouldn’t take his hand off her.

“Nathan…you just stay here. We’ll be back in a little while. I’ll make sure you’re kept informed.” The doctor’s brow furrowed as he saw Nathan’s hand brush through his hair. “Let’s see that hand.” Nathan grimaced as the doctor squeezed and tried to bend his fingers and hand.

“She’s not the only one that needs x-rays. I don’t know about your hand, but you probably have some broken fingers there. Not unusual at all if your hand got caught on the wheel when that airbag came out. You’ve got a couple of burns on your face too from the airbag. Very similar to a rug burn. Nothing too bad,” he said brushing his thumb over the marks on Nathan’s cheek. “I’ll get somebody in here to get your x-rays. You need some dry clothes too; you’ve got to be freezing. They’ll bring you something to change in to. Hang tight Nathan we’ll be back.”

Nathan ran his hands through his hair with a deep frustrated sigh.

He didn’t want to hang tight or hang anywhere but by her side. These people just didn’t understand. They weren’t just dealing with some regular old accident with some random person, this was Haley. They had his whole life in their hands.

Nathan bent down dropping a gentle kiss to Haley’s cheek. He squatted in front of her trying to meet her eyes with a small smile. “Haley?” She kept her head bowed not looking his way. He lightly took her chin in his fingers tilting her head up. Her eyes finally, hesitantly, drifted to meet his. They were red, still brimming with tears and were racked with fear. Her body was still trembling as if she were sitting on a block of ice in below freezing temperatures. He wanted desperately to rock her in his arms and make it all go away for her.

He bit down hard on his lip to keep it from quivering the same way hers was. He gave her the best smile he could manage. “We don’t know anything yet Hales. Don’t give up hope okay? Be good and cooperate now.” He laid his head softly against hers, his fingers massaged into her neck, as he fought back his own tears. He sighed squeezing her hand. “I’ll be right here waiting on you Pinky. I love you.” He swallowed back the tears, stepping back to let them leave the room.

They x-rayed his hand. Some other doctor was pointing at the picture with his pen. He had four broken fingers. They didn’t usually cast broken fingers; they would set them, splint them, and wrap his hand. The healing time was about…he wasn’t listening. He had no idea what was said after ‘your fingers are broken’. He was staring at the clock. It seemed like Haley had been gone for hours. It had been barely thirty minutes.

Some poor unfortunate nurse was walking him back to the ER. He did nothing but bitch at her about Haley’s whereabouts, and why hadn’t he heard anything, and what the hell was wrong with this shitty place anyway, and…she didn’t get paid enough for this she inwardly groaned.

She gave him a tight smile and a “that’ll be fine,” when he said he was going outside to get some air. She figured he wasn’t going to die if his fingers didn’t get set for another few minutes, and if it got his complaining ass away from her for a while, so much the better.

He stayed under the awning. The rain was still pouring down in sheets. He leaned against the cold damp wall closing his eyes as he tried to draw in deep breaths. Visions of Haley laying still in the backseat were clouding his mind. His eyes harshly jerked open at the clap of thunder. He wiped furiously at the wetness he felt rolling down his face. That wasn’t going to help her he admonished himself.

He rested his head back, closing his eyes again. She was going to be okay he repeated over and over. He needed her. She needed him…she was scared, he knew she was. He had to go find her.

“Nathan? God Nathan are you alright?” Peyton cried throwing her arms around his neck squeezing him tightly. His arms hung limply at his side her.

“I’m okay,” he mumbled trying to disentangle her from his body.

“What about Haley?” Jake asked his face stiff with concern.

Nathan rubbed a tired hand across his forehead. “They’re doing x-rays on her. They made me wait. I don’t know what’s going on. They…,” his voice had drifted so low they could hardly hear him over the rain.

“Nate man, you’re soaking wet. Didn’t they give you some dry clothes?” Jake asked taking Nathan’s arm guiding him back into the building.

“Yeah they gave me some. I’m not sure where they are,” he sighed looking around the ER waiting room confused.

Jake and Peyton exchanged wary looks. Nathan was a mess that was more than apparent.

“Hang on a minute. Let’s go back here,” Jake instructed after the getting the exam room number they needed to be in from the nurse. Peyton gently wrapped her arm around Nathan’s waist leading him that direction.

“What are you guys doing here?” They exchanged looks again.

“We were coming from the banquet and saw your car being pulled by a wrecker. We flagged the guy down, he told us they’d taken some people to the hospital. What happened?”

“We got hit.”

“Nathan…” Peyton took his hand in hers. Nathan grimaced jerking it away.

“My fingers are broken,” he mumbled glancing down at his swollen hand.

“Aren’t they going to do something about it?” Peyton asked with growing irritation.

“Yeah they’re going to wrap my hand or something. Can you guys get somebody in here? I need to find out where Haley is.”

Nathan’s head jerked up only to be disappointed when he saw it was Jake coming back. “They’re going to go see what they can find out. How bad is she Nathan?”

He shrugged, his shoulders slumping further. “She has some cuts from the glass and she may have broken ribs. She’s bruised up pretty bad.” His head fell into his trembling hands. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could stave off tears.

Peyton rubbed softly over his back. “All that from the airbag?”

“She was in the back getting her CD case. She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. The ambulance guy kept saying how lucky she was. If the other driver had been going faster she could have been thrown out. Lucky. Yeah,” he scoffed. “Where are they!” he suddenly blew out bolting out of his chair to pace the room.

The minutes ticked on. If the room had been a little bigger they all would have paced. As it was Jake took to holding up a wall, Peyton sat in the middle of the bed her legs pulled up under her chin, her arms wrapped tight around them as she rocked back and forth. The only thing keeping him from completely exploding was the distraction from the doctor treating his hand.

“Can you hurry this up, I need to see about my girlfriend,” he gruffly huffed.

“Almost done,” the doctor mumbled in answer.

“Mr. Scott?” the nurse asked poking her head timidly around the door. She glanced between Nathan and Jake. Jake nodded at Nathan who had already jumped up from his chair. “Let him finish,” she said with a light smile.

“I’ll leave instructions with the nurse about care,” the doctor said attaching the last pieces of tape. He slid his stool out of Nathan’s way.

“Come with me,” she gently instructed. Nathan glanced nervously back at Peyton and Jake before following behind her.

He saw her back before the door closed on him, the nurses were helping her into a bed. He could feel his eyes clouding over with tears at the sight of her struggling to get settled. He swallowed them down.

“If you’ll wait out here for a minute Dr. Jackson should with you shortly.” Nathan nodded. He leaned against the wall rubbing an exhausted hand across his forehead, blowing out a long ragged breath.

“Nathan,” Dr. Jackson greeted coming around the corner taking Haley’s chart from the nurse passing it across the counter to him. “Let’s go down here and have a seat.” He lightly took Nathan’s arm guiding him that direction.

Nathan was grateful the waiting room was empty. It was almost three in the morning. No one should have to be sitting in a hospital waiting room at three in the morning. It could never mean anything good.

The doctor read over the chart again, rubbing a hand distractedly over his mouth.

“We’ve completed all the tests, and done…we’ve done everything we’re going to. Right now what she needs is rest, and a lot of it. The drugs have eased the pain, and they should let her get some sleep shortly. Given what’s she’s been through, she’s holding up okay. But I think it would be easier on her if I just went over all this with you myself.”

Nathan watched him intently, shaking his head. His voice was so strong and assured, his manner a gentle matter of fact. He was probably popular with patients. It gave Nathan some comfort that she’d been in competent hands.

“She…she’s quite lucky actually. There’s no internal bleeding, which frankly I was a little concerned about. She’s bruised pretty badly as you can tell.” he sighed frustrated as well. “She does have two cracked ribs on the left. Not broken fortunately, but they’ll hurt like hell none the less. She’s going to be extremely uncomfortable for a while. She’ll go home with plenty of pain medication, make sure she takes it.”

He opened the chart flipping through some of the pages before shutting it again. He plucked the glasses from his nose shoving them into his white coat, meeting Nathan’s worried eyes. He started explaining. After his initial words, Nathan barely heard another thing he said.

“Hey,” he softly whispered quietly easing through the door.

She gave him a small smile, swatting at the tears that dropped on her scratched cheeks. Nathan brushed the loose hairs back from her face, returning the smile. He stood beside her bed holding tightly to her hand, dropping kisses on her head. She looked so fragile sitting in that bed, her body still twitching with nerves. His legs felt like they’d turned to jelly. He didn’t know how he was still holding himself up.

He stroked a warm hand gently over her back. She hadn’t moved her eyes from the fingers lying limply in her lap. She was letting the tears drop unencumbered onto her hands. He reached for a tissue pushing it into her hands; she didn’t move to use it. He whispered in her ear, pressing a kiss against it. Haley mutely nodded in reply.

“I lost the baby. I’m sorry.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders that shook with the tears that were trailing down her face with more force.

“Yeah, I know we did Hales. I’m sorry too,” he tenderly consoled.

He eased down on the mattress facing her. He laid a soft hand to her cheek, wiping away the streaming tears with his thumb. He took the tissue from her grasp gently dabbing at her wet cheeks. He pressed a small kiss to her forehead.

Her body continued to shudder uncontrollably. She was trying to look at him, trying to lift her bowed head that felt massively heavy, trying to stop the seemingly endless stream of tears. She was trying.

She choked back a sob as she finally managed to raise her head to him. He gave her an understanding smile. She could see the tears in his eyes. She failed him, failed herself.

“I’m sorry,” she almost inaudibly whispered.

“I’m sorry too Hales.” His voice was as soft as hers. He pressed another kiss to her head, dabbing once again at the crop of fresh tears their words had renewed.

“Try and relax back against the bed Hales. You need some sleep okay. Try closing your eyes now.” She shook her head.

He smiled lightly at her stubbornness brushing his finger down her cheek. “Please.”

She gingerly rested her back against the bed, catching a glimpse of his hand as he laid it back in her lap.

“Nathan…your hand. What’s wrong with it?” Her face flushed with panic. He already lost a baby, now she could see his whole career in ruins.

“It’s nothing. Few broken fingers. It’ll be fine.” He shrugged, lifting up so he could pull the covers up tighter around her hoping to ease some of the shivering that continued to hold her.

“What about basketball?” He shook his head when her tears started all over again.

“Please try and rest Haley. Broken fingers heal. It’s not going to affect any basketball. They’ll be stiff with arthritis when I’m fifty, but right now they aren’t going to bother anything. They’ll be good as new in no time. Please rest now.”

She tried to close her eyes; they seemed to spring open every time she did. He continued to whisper to her, stroking gently over her head until the medicine settled in enough that she couldn’t hold them open any longer. He sighed relieved.

He didn’t see how he’d ever fall asleep. His mind was a swirl of thoughts. He leaned on the window sill staring into the rainy night. He endlessly replayed the wreck, the entire night though his head. He never should have made her go. She was tired, she didn’t feel good, and…they should have just stayed home. He let his ego get in the way as usual. He shook his head disgusted with himself.

He turned to watch her sleep. Though he knew she was far from it, she at least looked peaceful. He held his lips to her head again. “I love you.”

He was about to settle into the chair beside the bed when a nurse motioned him to the door. He found Jake and Peyton waiting on the other side.

“Man I’m sorry, I completely forgot.”

“It’s okay. How is she?” Jake jumped in.

“She finally fell asleep. She has a couple of cracked ribs and she’d bruised as hell. She umm…we lost the baby.”

“Nathan, I’m so sorry.” Peyton wrapped her arms around his neck hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah”, he shrugged dejected. “Let’s go in, I don’t want her waking up and me not be there.”

“She’s a mess Nate,” Jake grimaced mumbling quietly, moving up to the bed. He brushed a hand lightly over her hair, shaking his head at the sight of Haley’s bruised and puffy face. “I’m sorry Hales.”

Peyton mutely swatted away tears, folding her arms protectively around herself.

Jake glanced back to Nathan’s slumped figure standing on the other side of the bed. “It’s going to take her a long time to heal from this.”

Nathan nodded.

~~~~~

“Did you call her back?” Haley grumbled shuffling slowly around the bedroom.

“Yes.” Nathan returned trying to hold on to his last ounce of his patience. “I don’t know why you don’t want her to come. She just wants to help you.”

“I don’t need my mother hovering over me Nathan. What…you don’t want to help me anymore?” she snapped. “Fine, I don’t need your help anyway.”

“Yeah, okay Hales. You can hardly get your hands above your shoulders. If you don’t want to wash your hair or half your body for the next few weeks I guess that’s fine. But you’re going to get pretty rank after a while,” he chuckled. She didn’t find the humor.

“I’ll get it,” he mumbled relieved when he heard the knock at the door. She was about to unleash on him, the same way she had a minimum of twice a day for the past two weeks. He couldn’t do anything right. Couldn’t do it fast enough, or slow enough or enough period.

He knew she didn’t feel good. He knew she was frustrated and depressed. At least he assumed she was. She wasn’t sharing much about how she felt about pretty much anything. And she never hinted that she was interested in hearing how he felt so he kept it to himself and just concentrated on keeping her happy and comfortable.

“Hey Bill,” Nathan smiled moving to let Bill into the apartment.

“Big dog,” Bill greeted dropping his bag on the table.

Haley slowly crept into the room. Her face was twisted into a grimace as she attempted to work a brush through her hair. Her left side may have had the cracked ribs, but her right side was just as sore, and raising her arms to her head was painful as hell.

“Let me have it,” Nathan said holding his hand out for the brush.

“I can do it,” she bit jerking it back from him. Nathan sighed shrugging his shoulders at Bill. He folded his arms across himself waiting for her to give up and slam it into his palm like she had the past few mornings.

“Shit! Do you think you can manage a ponytail?” she snarled.

“Yeah, I’m thinking I can handle that.” He took the brush raking it gently through her hair. Haley rolled her eyes at Bill whose face was lit with a big smile watching Nathan’s brow furrowed in total concentration on the task.

He brushed it back holding it all tightly in his hand. It wasn’t quite as high as she usually got it, but it was out of her face at least. “Holder,” Nathan demanded holding his hand over her shoulder. She pushed the ponytail holder in his palm.

“Ow,” she grit when he pulled her hair while twisting the band.

He ran his hands over her head smoothing it out. “There,” he said smiling proudly at Bill.

“Good job. I never saw you as a hairdresser. Something to consider taking up during the off season,” Bill chuckled.

Haley looked in the mirror critically. “It’ll do.”

“And thank you Nathan,” Bill added, smiling sarcastically at her glower.

“Yeah thanks,” she mumbled. Nathan shook his head. “You’re welcome.”

“How long you think you’ll be?” Nathan asked to Bill while he gathered up his gym bag, stuffing his wallet in his pocket. He plucked the rental car keys off the counter.

“I don’t know. Couple hours at least.”

“Okay. I’ll make sure I’m back in a couple of hours then.”

“You know I can manage by myself for more than five minutes Nathan. I don’t need you to rush back. Just go play or do whatever. I’m fine.” She folded her arms across herself glaring at his concern.

“Okay…okay Haley. Whatever. I’ll see you when I see you then.” He dropped a kiss on her forehead. “Good luck,” he mumbled to Bill.

Bill unloaded his laptop onto the table. He handed her copies of handouts he’d gotten in class. She gingerly settled into the chair beside him.

Feeling Bill’s eyes on her, she drifted hers up from the papers to meet his. “What’s wrong?”

“Why don’t you lighten up on Nathan a little?”

“What, I didn’t do anything,” she stated convinced of her innocence.

“I’ve been here almost every day for the last week and a half Haley, and you’re on his ass all the time. He can’t do anything right. You don’t appreciate anything he does. I know you’re hurt Haley, more than just physically. I can see where you’d be frustrated, among other things. I sympathize, I really do, but he’s trying. He’s hurt too. Cut him just a smidge of slack okay?”

“He has broken fingers Bill; he’s going to be fine.”

“I’m not talking about his fingers Haley.”

She stared hard at Bill, her jaw clamped tight. She knew he was hurting, but she couldn’t be worried with him right now. She felt so depressed most of the time it was all she could do to get herself out of bed in the mornings. She couldn’t plod through the day without collapsing into a heap of tears. She couldn’t carry Nathan too.

“Can we just study please? I need my bag,” she mumbled trying to push out of the chair.

“I’ll get it Haley. Green folder right?” Bill sighed patting her hand as he went off after her bag. Haley shook her head swallowing back the tears she could feel creeping up on her. Not now, concentrate, she repeated over and over to herself.

“Alright…I have green and really green,” Bill smiled flipping one open. “I’m thinking it’s the really really green one,” he said seeing the one he had contained copies of her law school applications.

“Yeah,” Haley confirmed with a small smile.

“Heard back from anybody yet?”

“Yeah, a few,” she mumbled rummaging through the other folder.

“And?”

“And…I got in,” she said trying to ignore his prying eyes.

Bill leaned back in his chair, his arms folded across his stomach. “Are you going to make me ask Haley?” he quietly prodded.

She glanced his way with a long sigh. “I’ve only heard from three. But I got accepted to Boston College, Boston University, and Northwestern. There’s about six or seven more I haven’t heard from yet, so…” she shrugged seemingly unimpressed with any of it.

“God Haley that’s great! Those are great schools. You should be really proud. I’m going to put big fat red stars on those applications,” Bill laughed flipping through the stack to find them. Haley couldn’t help but smile at his excitement. She wished she could muster up the same excitement.

“Well thanks mr. Stanford University. I still can’t believe you’re going to California. How am I going to survive law school without you Bill?”

“Just come with Nathan when he plays in Sacramento. That’s about as close to Palo Alto as he’s going to get I think.”

“Sure,” Haley agreed with a stiff smile.

“You know Ellen’s going to fit right in with that California crowd, they’re all going to think I’m some hick. Can’t wait,” he chuckled. It wouldn’t take them long to figure out Bill was anything but a hick she knew.

“What’s this?” Bill asked pulling the blank application out of the folder. “Did you send this? I didn’t know Charlotte was one of Nathan’s options.”

“It’s not,” she bit snatching the UNC application out of his hand stuffing it all back in the folder.

“Did you apply here Haley?”

“Not yet. Can we please study Bill? I’m going to get cut from anyone that has accepted me if I don’t keep caught up.”

“Wait…are you going to apply here?”

She sighed heavily staring hard into his confused eyes. “I don’t know Bill. Nathan doesn’t even know where he’s going yet. I’m just…it’s just one of those cover your ass things.”

“Cover your ass?” he repeated in utter confusion. “Like if you don’t approve of where Nathan gets drafted you’re staying here?”

“No, not like that. Please Bill…please, can we get on with the studying?”

Bill stared long and hard into her pleading eyes. “Okay. Okay,” he relented opening up his laptop. “Just a tiny word of advice Haley…talk to him. Tell him how you’re feeling. Give him a chance to get some things out too. It might actually start some healing for both of you.”

He usually preferred the quiet. He didn’t like being alone with his own thoughts these days. There didn’t seem to be another person in the gym except him and the trainer who was rewrapping his fingers together so he could go shoot baskets. The trainer had given up trying to draw Nathan into conversation a week ago. He was tired of only getting grunts or blank stares in response so they both now sat silent while he went about his work. He had no idea Nathan would have preferred his ramblings right about now.

He was trying to concentrate on his shot instead of the clock. He would tell himself ten more shots before you can look again, and when the ten were up, he’d say just twenty more and then you can look. The two hour window had passed fifteen minutes ago. He was getting anxious.

He didn’t like leaving her alone no matter what she said. What if she fell, or needed something off a shelf, or just needed him to be there period. He plopped down on the bottom bleacher, rubbing a towel around his drenched head as he tried to catch his breath. He gnawed at his lip, spinning the ball aimlessly over and over in his hand. He tried to stealthily glance at the clock. Maybe if it didn’t see him looking it was okay. Two hours and twenty minutes. God, he hoped Bill was still there.

“Fancy seeing you here,” he heard the chuckle from across the gym. He raised his head to see Jake shuffling his way.

“Hey,” Nathan nodded at him wiping further at the sweat.

Jake dropped down beside him; laying his bag on the floor he took the ball from Nathan’s hands, rolling it around in his own. Nathan looked more tired than he could ever remember. The circles he saw under his eyes two days ago were even darker today.

“You look like hell you know that right?”

“No, actually I didn’t, but thanks for putting it so delicately.”

“No problem,” Jake chuckled. “How’s everything going?”

Nathan shrugged. “Okay I guess,” he muttered rubbing a tired hand around his face.

“You sleeping?”

Nathan took the ball back from Jake squeezing it in his hand. “Some.”

“Haley keeping you running at night or something?” Jake asked with a light smile.

Nathan shook his head.

“Maybe you should take something to help you sleep then. There’s plenty of over-the-counter stuff you can take Nathan. You really do look worn out man.”

Nathan shook his head again, releasing a long exhausted breath.

“She cries at night. I hear her in the bedroom crying. I’m still sleeping on the couch. She hurts too much to have me rolling around on the other side jostling her all night. And I don’t mind, but I can’t stand laying there listening to her. I want to be able to comfort her so badly, but every time I go in to check on her she says she’s fine. It’s pretty clear she doesn’t want me coming near her. I don’t know…it’s been tough.” He groaned massaging his fingers into his temples. “I swear I’ve had one long headache for the past week.”

“If it’s any consolation she wasn’t much better with me the other day. Had very little to say. It’s like she’s on complete shut down again.”

“What do you mean ‘again’?”

“When she…,” he paused glancing warily at Nathan’s urging eyes. “Let’s just not…,” Jake tried to quickly backtrack.

“No Jake…go ahead, please.” He was hoping for any insight at all.

“It’s not even relevant Nathan. I was just thinking about when she and David broke up.” Jake almost rolled his eyes at the way Nathan’s jaw instantly started clenching. He continued anyway. “She clammed up, wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t come out. It was weeks before she finally talked about any of it. But that doesn’t even compare to this Nathan. You know that. They’re not even close to being on par with each other. She can’t just shut down this time. It’s not just her that’s hurting. She can’t leave you out in the cold. I know you’re hurting too Nate,” Jake softly added, draping an arm around his shoulders giving them a manly squeeze before dropping it back in his own lap.

“I’m okay,” Nathan sighed unconvincingly.

“Don’t you want to talk about it Nathan?”

He shook his head, shrugging his shoulders, another tired sigh escaping his lips. “I’m okay,” he repeated more softly.

“Nate…”

“I never should have made her go,” he mumbled painfully low. “She was tired, she didn’t really feel good. She just went because I wanted her to. The weather was horrible. I should have told her to stay home.”

“Come on Nathan, she wouldn’t have missed it. She wanted to be there. She loves you, it was your big moment man, she wouldn’t have missed it for anything.”

His head fell wearily into his shaky hands. He fought off the tears he could feel welling up, the same ones he’d been fighting back for countless days. She didn’t need that and neither did he. It wouldn’t help anything.

“I’m just really disappointed is all,” Nathan assured with as strong a voice as he could gather. “After all the fighting and back and forth we did over having the baby, and then to lose it like this. It’s just…it’s just disappointing. Haley was really getting into it you know,” he said, a slight smile gracing his face. “I think she was actually getting excited about it. Everything was going our way. I was going to get the career I’d always wanted, she was going to get law school, and we were going to have a baby we were both going to love like crazy. We were almost there. And I…I fucked it up Jake. I don’t blame her for hating me.”

“God Nathan, she doesn’t hate you. She…”

He suddenly shoved up off the bench quickly wiping at his eyes in case some of the tears he felt had actually slipped out. He dropped the ball in Jake’s lap. “I need to get home. You guys come check on her okay? I’ll see ya around Jake.” He was gone before Jake could recover enough to say another word.

~~~~~~~~

A couple more weeks and things were…unchanged. Haley managed to get back to attending classes. Nathan insisted on driving her to the building her first class was in every morning, and she insisted he let her walk home in the afternoons, no matter how long it took her. She was usually exhausted by the time she got there. Her stamina was slow to recover.

“I’m sorry Haley, but I don’t see them.” He’d rummaged through every drawer in her jewelry box hunting down his cuff links.

“There’s a black box in my top drawer, check it,” she told him from the closet where she was holding ties to his blue suit trying to decide which one would look best.

The blue one with the tiny red swirls she finally decided. She grabbed a second white shirt just in case the first one got messed up he’d have another one. She started to walk out, but quickly grabbed the blue and silver tie. She couldn’t make a damn decision about anything anymore she sighed tired.

“Did you find them?” She asked when she observed Nathan standing rigid at the dresser. “Nathan?”

“Yes…yes I found them,” he mumbled quietly. He turned around holding the envelope he’d found in the drawer up to her. Her eyes flitted to the return address logo before turning back to packing his bag.

“Were you planning on telling me?”

“If it were to become relevant, I’m sure I would have told you.”

“It’s from Harvard Haley; at what point does that become irrelevant?” He wasn’t sure how much longer he could live this tap dance existence before he completely exploded. He’d much rather fight and cry and scream and get it the fuck over with than continue being subjected to her false calm.

“It becomes irrelevant if you get drafted to Seattle, or Chicago, or Dallas, or Orlando or any one of several other teams Nathan. It’s not a big deal.”

“Then you got accepted?” She shook her head in confirmation.

He wanted to smile, he wanted to dance around the room with joy for her. He wanted to go screaming down the street that his girlfriend was so freaking smart she got into Harvard Law School.

He wanted her to be happy. Jesus, just to be happy for a minute…about something, anything. It was Harvard, who the hell wouldn’t be happy about that?

“Congratulations,” he quietly offered with a small smile.

She glanced his way returning the smile. “Thanks. I was thinking the tie with the red, but now that I think about it, I’d go with the silver and blue. Might show up better on T.V…, but I’d hate for it to wash out against the white shirt you know,” she waffled again. She looked up anticipating his response.

He shook his head. “Either one Haley,” he muttered tossing his cuff links onto the suit. “Would you put those in the pocket for me?” He walked out of the bedroom. He just needed a minute.

He flipped aimlessly from channel to channel where he sat slumped on the couch. He glanced at his watch. He sighed out another long deep breath. He glanced at his watch again. Lucas was running late, what else was new. He sighed.

He pulled the plane ticket out of the pocket of his bag again, checking the flight time once more. He dropped back on the couch, taking up the remote, he resumed running through the channels.

Haley continued to sit quietly in the chair, her textbook propped in her lap as she highlighted line after line.

He was about to get drafted into the NBA. One of maybe sixty people in the entire country who were deemed worthy enough. Half of those sixty probably wouldn’t last long enough to actually play. He was going top ten; he was all but guaranteed to make the team…and play. They should be giddy with joy. They should be laughing and giggling and canoodling on the couch with complete, sheer, and utter ecstasy.

He tossed a nerf ball while he flipped channels. She continued to read. The television was the only thing breaking the terminal silence.

He closed his phone slipping it back in his pocket. “Lucas is here,” he said feeling like he was intruding on her quiet.

He wasn’t sure she’d have noticed if he just picked up his bag and walked out the door without a word.

“Okay,” she smiled easing out of the chair. “Good luck. I wish I could be there, but…,” she stopped mid sentence with an awkward shrug.

“It’s alright Haley. I know you’re not up to a trip like this. It’s going to be hectic and you’re not close to being ready for all that. I’ll call you.”

“Good,” She wrapped her arms around his waist laying her face against his chest. She closed her eyes tight, gulping hard against the threatening tears. “Good luck.” She pulled back smiling as brightly as she could. “I’m going to go to Peyton and Brooke’s to watch so make sure you smile pretty to us okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed returning the tight smile. He held her face softly in his hands pressing a lingering kiss to her lips. His thumbs ran lightly over her cheeks as he tried smiling into her increasingly water filled eyes. “I love you Haley.”

She pushed her face into his chest squeezing him as tightly as she could. “I love you too.”

She moved quickly back to the bedroom. Grabbing up his pillow, she sat at the bed’s edge rocking herself, holding the soft material to her face drinking in his unique scent, letting it stifle the sobs and soak up the tears that poured down her face.

Lucas glanced warily at Nathan’s stiff and somber face. They should both be grinning from ear to ear. He reached across grasping Nathan’s arm holding it tightly. “It’s gonna’ get better Nathan.”

His head shake, like his voice, was barely detectible. “No it’s not.”

Chapter 24

“Why didn’t you drive?” Jake sighed when he opened the door to find Haley standing there red faced, sweating, and drawing deep breaths. The slow return of her stamina was making her crazy.

“Because I didn’t want to,” she grumbled in return as she moved past him into the apartment. She swiped a hand across her damp forehead.

“Here drink this.” Jake handed her a glass of soda. “How are you feeling?”

She promptly gave it back. “I want beer like everybody else. And I feel fine.”

“You still taking medicine?” Jake asked holding the beer out of her reach.

She folded her arms across herself glaring at his smirk. “No.” She held her hand out for the beer. “Thanks.” She took a long swallow, settling onto the couch. “I’m going to need all of this I can get,” she mumbled under her breath.

Jake heard every word. He shook his head at her pissy attitude.

“Where’s everybody else? They’re about to miss the big show,” she exaggeratedly puffed.

Her butt hadn’t even gotten the spot where she sat on the couch warm yet and Jake had already had enough. She couldn’t go on like this.

“They’re at my place getting some stuff. What’s with the attitude Haley? You’re about to find out where you’re going to be living for the next few years. You’re law school’s about to be decided. You’re boyfriends about to get drafted into the NBA. That’s a big deal in case you’ve forgotten. I know you’ve been through a personal hell lately, but try a little why don’t you. This is a huge accomplishment for Nathan. Huge. There are hundreds of guys out there in college and high school who would kill to be where he is, but don’t have enough talent. Do you realize what it takes to get where he is Haley? Do you have any appreciation at all for what Nathan’s done? Give him some credit for just a day. Stop being so damn selfish. I know it’s been hard, I get that. I feel horrible for you, I really do, but I feel horrible for Nathan too. Do you?”

Haley flew across the room, jabbing a hard finger into Jake’s chest, hot tears flooded her eyes. “I appreciate what Nathan’s done Jake! I’m the one that’s been with him the past four years remember. I’ve been there for all of it! I’ve supported him through everything. I know what he’s done is hard. I realize the enormity of it believe me! I sure as hell don’t need you telling me. I’ve been there!”

“Alright, alright…settle down,” Jake interrupted holding his hands up to her. He tried to take her hands in his hoping to calm her.

“Don’t touch me!” she roared flinching back from him. She fiercely swatted away the tears that fell out. “You have no idea what I’ve been going through – none! Nobody does! So don’t even pretend that you do Jake. And don’t try to pretend you know how Nathan feels either! It’s none of your damn business Jake!”

“Well it is your business Haley,” Jake calmly replied. “And I do know how Nathan feels because I’ve talked to him. Have you? You might be surprised at what he says Haley. He needs you to talk to him about things. He’s worried sick about you. He wants to help you. He needs to tell you how he feels too. You fucking need each other Haley…stop shutting him out!” He felt like a bastard, but somebody had to say something, even if it meant she never talked to him again.

“You know what Jake…fuck you! I’m not staying here. I’m not listening to your crap all day!” Slamming the beer on the table she grabbed up her purse stomping for the door. It flew open at her before she could jerk it open herself. She almost barreled right into Greg’s chest.

“Well, baby doll, there you are…how are you?” He smiled gently folding Haley into his hug. He glared at Jake over her head. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ was clearly read on his lips.

“Hey Hales,” Peyton smiled patting her back where Haley still stood, now sobbing into Greg’s ever dampening shirt. Peyton’s hateful glare toward Jake was matched by one from Brooke as she scooted past the pair into the apartment. “Got a minute?” Peyton bit jerking Jake by the arm into her bedroom. “Explain!” she demanded. “We could hear Haley from three doors down. What is your problem?”

“I wasn’t trying to upset her Peyton. I’m trying to wake her up! She’s hurt…she’s…crushed. I sympathize. I completely feel bad for her. It’s tearing me up to see her so sad. But damn it Peyton, if she doesn’t snap out of it she’s going to ruin a great relationship with the love of her life. He needs her. She needs him. I was trying to make her see that,” Jake huffed grabbing frustrated at his head as he paced around the room. “This sucks!”

“I see it too Jake,” Peyton sighed with complete understanding. “But I’m thinking yelling at her is not the best method to wake her up.”

“I wasn’t yelling - she was. Because she knows what I said is true. And honestly Peyton…I don’t think she cares.”

If one more person asked him how his hand was he was going to rip the bandage off and belt them right across the chops just to prove it was fine. A few days and he’d get the stupid thing off, it couldn’t come soon enough.

He shuffled along the buffet table dropping one thing and then another on his plate. It was the grandest smorgasbord he’d ever seen. None of it looked appetizing. His stomach was in such knots he wouldn’t be surprised if whatever he ate ended up on the commissioner’s suit when his name got called. This was the definition of torture, he was sure of it.

Lucas seemed just fine. He was eating away and yucking it up with the rest of the players. Maybe it wasn’t the draft that had his stomach so topsy turvy after all. He tossed a cookie on his plate. Her ‘good luck’ couldn’t have been less enthusiastic if she tried he dejectedly sighed.

“You gonna eat that or just play with it?” Lucas asked watching Nathan push his food around his plate.

“Play with it,” Nathan mumbled back.

“This is kind of nerve racking huh? You’re going a lot higher than me so you’re going to get all the cameras and hoopla…try not to look so glum when you go up there okay? You don’t want to look like you’re pissed off about whoever takes you. Here…practice smiling,” Lucas encouraged him with a big false smile of his own. He nudged Nathan hard in the side when he got a disgusted glare in return. “Try it,” he grit.

Nathan rolled his eyes completely into the back of his head before planting the most pathetic fake smile ever to his lips.

Lucas scoffed shaking his head in defeat. “Forget it. Maybe they’ll just think you’re the thoughtful smoldering type instead of just the ass that smile makes it look like you are…or the ass you actually are.”

“Wow Lucas, that really helps. Thanks. I’m totally ready now,” he sarcastically sighed before he got up, tossing his barely touched plate of food in the trash.

He found a chair as isolated as he could mange. With the horde of people milling around it was pretty impossible to do. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to be bothered. It was driving him insane that he couldn’t muster up the least bit of excitement about all this. It was everything he’d hoped and dreamed about all his life. Everything he worked so hard for was paying off and…he couldn’t have cared less.

He twirled his cell phone round and round in his hand. He wanted to call her so badly. He was a nervous wreck; he needed to hear a reassuring voice. Her reassuring voice. He dropped the phone back in his suit pocket. He didn’t want to bother her.

Trent was bouncing around like a new puppy, flitting from one client to the next. He had Nathan, Lucas and a couple of others, and he was working overtime to keep all the balls in the air. He dropped down beside Nathan with an exhausted sigh, throwing an overly friendly arm around his shoulder. Of his four clients, Nathan was going to grab him the biggest commission, so he attached his lips to his ass the tightest.

“The fingers are good, right?” he asked for the third time since Nathan had arrived yesterday.

“They’re fine Trent,” Nathan grumbled through clenched teeth. He wondered if slugging his agent would be perceived as a bad thing.

“Good, good,” Trent grinned. “I’ve had a few inquires, so just making sure that’s all. I told everybody you’d be as good as new in a few weeks. So, you want the good news?”

Nathan turned an irritated eye on Trent as he continued without waiting for Nathan’s reply. He finally allowed the tiniest of smiles at Trent’s words. It was good news. It was the best news he could hope for actually. It was what he had secretly wished for. It was news even Haley could be happy about…he hoped.

“Sound good?” Trent smiled patting Nathan’s back again. “We’ve talked money a little bit, but I think we may be able to squeeze a few more bucks out of them. The salary cap doesn’t really give us a whole lot of room for salary negotiations, but a signing bonus, and other perks…I think we can get more.”

“That all sounds great Trent, but I don’t want to get in a pissing contest with them over money. I’d rather just sign a contract and be done with it,” Nathan urged his over eager agent.

“We won’t get hardball with them don’t worry. But they expect a little balking. I don’t want to disappoint anybody you know,” Trent laughed. He stood up to go find another one of his victims. “Just keep it under your hat okay? It’s pretty firm, but you never know about last minute jockeying in the draft order or somebody sneaking up to snatch a player from somebody else so let’s just keep it between us.” Nathan shook his head in understanding. “You need to move up front Nathan. They’ll be getting started soon. And hey…I know life’s been rough on you lately, but try and look happy when get on the stage okay?”

“Sure,” Nathan agreed with a tight smile. “Thanks Trent.”

Peyton handed Haley another beer, taking up the spot on the couch beside her. She cut a sideways glance at her. Haley silently ate at her food, her face set in granite, as she watched the television. If you didn’t know better you’d think she had nothing riding on this broadcast. Just a bored visitor left to endure the show because the other people in the room insisted on watching.

“He hasn’t called?”

“Not that I know of. I’m sure he’s busy.” She broke off a piece of chip, dragging it through some dip before popping it in her mouth. Her eyes never strayed from the T.V.

“Not that you know of? Where’s your phone?”

“In my purse.” Peyton stared baffled by her continued lack of interest.

“I’ll get it for you.” She shook her head when she saw it wasn’t turned on. She pushed the on button, handing it to Haley. “I turned it on. That may help when he does try to call.”

Haley glanced at her, ignoring the sarcasm. “Thanks.” She set it down without bothering to check for missed calls or messages.

“Alright Brooke, it’s starting, you’re going to have to focus now.” Greg’s hint was met with Brooke’s irritated frown. She knew what he really meant…shut-up.

“And there they are,” Jake loudly announced bumping fists with Greg as the camera panned through the players. Lucas was mumbling something to Nathan whose eyes were locked on the activities up on the stage. He wiped his hand nervously across his mouth nodding at whatever Lucas was saying.

Haley lightly gnawed at the edge of her lip. His jaw was clenching, she could tell he was a basket of nerves. She almost allowed a smile at how handsome he looked. He’d gone with the dark tie, good choice. Other than the fact he looked like he was about to face the firing squad, he looked great.

They’d gone through seven picks; everyone was on the edge of their seat, except Haley. She sat back against the couch, biting at her thumb, folding and unfolding her arms across herself. Seattle had the next pick; she knew this was it. The urge to throw up was about to take her. She closed her eyes releasing a long slow breath.

She heard the commissioner’s voice. She was certain she’d heard wrong. She opened her eyes to see someone other than Nathan approaching the stage. “Who?” she barely mumbled. She read the name across the bottom of the screen. Ahmad Adams, University of Michigan. “That can’t be right,” she mumbled a little louder.

“I’m thinking it is Hales,” Jake answered her. Haley rolled her eyes at him. She wasn’t talking to him; he needed to just shut his big fat trap.

“Why can’t it be right?” Brooke asked as she went back for seconds. She was actually enjoying this. Much better than the football draft where she was about to explode with anxiety the whole time.

“I…I don’t know. I was sure he was going to Seattle. They were all over him. I don’t get it.”

“Guess they changed their mind. Is that where you wanted to go?”

“I don’t know,” Haley quietly shrugged. “I don’t know where I want to go.”

Greg dragged himself off toward the kitchen returning with a bottle of Tequila and five shot glasses. He set them on the table filling each to the top. “Now we’re ready. We’re going to toast to wherever it is. Because we’re going to be happy about wherever it is, right Hales? As long as Nathan’s there, it’ll all be fine.” He rubbed a light hand over her back, his smile urging an apprehensive smile and a small agreeing nod in return from Haley.

She continually dragged a shaky hand through her hair. Could they have any more commercials she whined to herself? This was nuts.

God…now she had to endure more analysis from the ESPN idiots. Nathan was going here…no he was going there… Gah! Shut up already she wanted to shout.

The screams were deafening. Brooke was about to completely pass out, Greg almost hit the ceiling he jumped so high. Peyton and Jake were hugging and whooping and hollering.

Haley sat stunned in her seat, her hands covered her mouth, proud tears welled in her eyes as she watched a smiling Nathan approach the stage.

“This is perfect Haley!” Brooke squealed dropping beside Haley on the couch enveloping her in a tight hug. Haley swatted a tear shaking her head in agreement. “Perfect,” she softly concurred.

The cheers went up again as they watched Nathan don a team cap, holding his new jersey aloft with a broad smile. His number twenty-three was emblazoned into the front of the green Boston Celtics jersey. He turned it around to show the cameras the Scott name already sewn across the back.

He was smiling just like they asked him to. He would give anything to see Haley’s reaction right now.

Boston…it was perfect. Greg and Brooke were going to be there. She’d have friends there for her when he was gone. Harvard. The top law school in the country, and she’d already been accepted. It couldn’t have panned out any more perfectly. Boston…it was perfect.

“Toast, toast we need to toast,” Peyton excitedly enjoined everyone, passing around the glasses. “You want to do it Haley?”

“I think I’m a little speechless right now. One of you guys go ahead,” she smiled holding her glass out.

“I’ll do it,” Jake volunteered. “To Nathan Scott, the newest Boston Celtic. May he have a long successful career, and a blissfully happy life with Haley.”

“Here, here,” they all enthusiastically agreed, clinking their glasses together before throwing back the shots.

“To Nathan,” Haley echoed softly, draining her glass.

Nathan had endured about as many inane questions as he could handle. First the ESPN reporter wanted his comments. Now the Boston press was asking him a million and one questions. He was trying to be gracious and accommodating, gushing on about how happy he was to be a Celtic, how great Boston was, how impressed he was with the lore and tradition of the Celtics.

Yes, Larry Bird was outstanding, but come on he wanted to add, he was from North Carolina, Michael Jordan country, who were they kidding. He laughed it off when they asked him to compare the two. He may not have been the smoothest talker, but he wasn’t an idiot. He didn’t want to alienate the entire city before he even set foot off the plane. It went without saying; never choose Michael Jordan over Larry Bird in Boston. He gave Trent a pleading glance.

Trent may have been the overly ingratiating type, but he knew his clients. He read Nathan’s look and flawlessly interceded. Nathan gave him a grateful smile. Now if he could only find an ounce of privacy for a few minutes he’d be all set.

They were all back lounged around the television again. Now all they needed was for Lucas to get drafted, and the day would be complete. If it didn’t happen soon they were going to be too trashed to enjoy it.

Haley had retreated to Peyton’s room. She stretched out on the bed, her hands laid across her stomach, gazing blankly at the ceiling. She thought it would be best if he called her, she didn’t want to interrupt anything. She fiddled with her phone, now wondering if maybe she should call him…only she was unsure of the words that may spill out of her mouth.

It was almost another hour before her phone finally began to twill.

“Congratulations big shot,” she giggled softly into the phone.

That little giggle was music to his ears. “Thanks,” he chuckled. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. We saw it all. You really looked great Nathan. The dark tie was definitely the right choice.”

“Oh yeah? Good, I’m glad you liked it. It’s been crazy. I wish you were here,” he sighed unsteadily. He needed to wrap her in his arms so badly right now.

“Me too. I was really surprised when you didn’t go to Seattle. What happened?”

“I don’t know for sure. I think Ahmad was always who they wanted. I don’t think they’re convinced they can resign Marcus, and Ahmad would fit right into Marcus’ spot, so when he was still there, they took him. I already knew before it started. Trent told me it was all but a done deal with Boston. Honestly, I’m happier with Boston anyway. What do you think Hales?” He hesitantly inquired. “Is Boston okay with you?”

“Yeah…sure it’s fine Nathan,” she agreed, trying to sound positive. Nathan slumped back against his chair shaking his head. It wasn’t fine at all.

“It just seemed like the better place Haley. Greg and Brooke are going to be there. And Harvard…you can have Harvard now Hales. Doesn’t that sound good?”

God he wanted her to be happy, hell, he wanted to be happy himself.

“I don’t have to have Harvard Nathan. There are plenty of other schools. I haven’t decided on a school yet okay. Let’s just be happy about you for today.” She didn’t want to discuss the future; she was having a hard enough time dealing with the present.

“Whatever you say. I just want you to be happy Haley,” he sighed quietly. The words were coming out before he’d given them any thought, before he could cut them off. “I…I’m so sorry about everything. I know you’re having a hard time Hales. I hate it. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. Baby, if I could do it over again I would. I’d never have made you go to that banquet. It would be so different if I wasn’t so damn selfish and…”

“Stop it! Stop it Nathan,” she wearily choked out. “It wasn’t your fault. I…I don’t want to talk about it right now,” she begged sniffling back her tears. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“When then? When do you want to talk about it? We have to sometime Hales ‘cause this…this whatever it is between us right now isn’t working. We’re going nowhere fast,” he desperately implored.

“What does that mean?” she snapped back furiously wiping at her face.

“It means this silence isn’t helping us deal with it. It’s not helping us get past it Haley. It’s not helping us period.”

“Get past it! Like I’m just supposed to forget! You may be able to Nathan, but I can’t. Not now, it’s too soon. You want to know how I feel? Dead, that’s how I feel! Like I’m being mentally and physically weighted down by concrete.”

“Then let me help you Haley. Please, I know I can help if you’ll just talk to me.”

The only sounds he heard were of her heavy breathing as she tried to regain some composure. This was supposed to be his day. She didn’t want to ruin it by going off on one of her crying jags. She’d been able to save those for the middle of the night so far, and today especially she didn’t want to change that.

“Nathan…I don’t feel like talking about…about anything. The greatest thing in the world just happened to you. You’ve made it to the NBA Nathan, let’s just think about that right now. Let’s just be happy about that for now okay? I’m so proud of you Nathan. You’ve worked so hard for this, and it’s finally happening for you. I couldn’t be prouder, I couldn’t be happier for you. I love you,” she said trying to smile through her choked back tears.

“Thanks,” he finally mumbled out. He couldn’t handle anymore. “I’m umm…I’m not really sure when I’ll be done here. Trent was saying something about…I don’t know…something, anyway it may be a couple of days before I get back. So…you take care of yourself alright? I probably need to get back in there; Lucas should be coming up soon. It looks like he’ll be going to Phoenix. He’ll be on one end of the country, and I’ll be on the other…guess…guess that’ll be about the end of that too. Wow…this day’s just really….it’s just really turning out great,” he said with a wry chuckle. “I’ll see you in a few days Haley.” He quickly hung up, turning off his phone. Not that he expected her to call him back.

“Nath…” Haley tried to interject but got only dial tone.

She wanted to be alone, but they insisted on walking her home. It was getting dark, she was tired, blah di blah blah, she rolled her eyes but didn’t bother to argue further. It never did any good. They went on in silence, Jake on one side, Greg on the other.

“Well this seems like old times doesn’t it?” Jake attempted to break the silence. Greg’s confused stare toward him over Haley’s head was met with Jake’s bug eyed ‘go with it’ look.

“Oh…uh…yeah, yeah it sure does,” Greg agreed with a hearty chuckle. He shrugged at Jake’s rolled eyes. Greg’s fake laugh was so...fake. “Only back then, when the little pipsqueak was sandwiched between us we used to jostle her all the way down the street.” He barely nudged Haley enough so she’d just bump up against Jake. She shot him a hot glare.

“Yeah, good times alright,” she grit at the two of them. “And what usually happened by the time we got to my house?”

“Well,” Jake started as if recalling was actually hard. “Let’s see…you’d either scoot really quickly out of the way so we’d ram into each other…in which case I’d end up staggering to the ground because lard ass over there was always twice my size…”

“Or you’d jab one of your bony elbows as hard as you could into my side,” Greg grumbled, quickly shifting a hand up over his side to protect himself against possible assault.

“Yeah, good times,” Haley wistfully repeated. “It feels like that was another lifetime ago.”

“It wasn’t that long ago Hales.” Jake smiled, stretching a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“Yes it was. A lot’s happened since then. You both have beautiful, wonderful girls who love you. And I …fell in love with the basketball star…again. I lived with the basketball star in spite of my parents - which I’m sure we all never could have imagined back then. I was always the perfect daughter right? So perfect, I got pregnant by the basketball star – and I was worried about you two,” she sarcastically chuckled. “I questioned whether I should have the baby. Why would I do that…question having a baby? What kind of person does that make me?” She rambled as if talking to herself. “A baby with a man I loved? A baby we were perfectly capable of taking care of. An innocent baby…a baby made from love…a baby I loved…a baby he loved…,” she quietly continued. Jake and Greg exchanged worried glances.

“But,” she suddenly shrugged as if shaking herself back into reality, “I don’t have it now. I managed to lose the basketball star’s baby – through my own stupidity. And now…I have a future any girl would envy. No kid to weigh me down. I have a successful man in love with me. I mean he’s rich, and only going to get richer. Every girls dream right? A rich, incredibly good looking man with an unbelievable career ahead of him. He’s going to a great city, with fantastic education opportunities just waiting for me…and I can’t get out of my own tracks. I can’t be happy…about any of it,” she bit angrily at herself.

“Yes you can Hales,” Greg gently tried to reason. He ran a soft hand over her hair. “Give it a chance. Talk to him. Tell him how hard a time you’re having. Talk about how you’re struggling. He’s probably going through the same thing. You need him, and he needs you Haley.”

“Well Greg, that’s a problem, because I can’t be needed right now. I can hardly take care of myself. I barely make it through the day. I know Nathan needs me, but I…I just can’t be there for him. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street right? I can’t keep up my half. I…I just can’t. He deserves better.” She threw her arms around them hugging them tightly. “Thanks for having me over, and walking me home. I love you guys,” she smiled slapping at the continued tears as she hurried into her apartment.

Nathan and Lucas were almost in hysterics they were laughing so hard. The limo driver rolled his eyes for about the hundredth time since he picked them up at the Charlotte airport. They were supposed to take a flight back to Chapel Hill, but decided they’d rather take a limo. That’s what rich people did. That’s what professional athletes did, so by gosh…that’s what they’d do too. The limo driver was wondering when the drive to Chapel Hill went from being a couple of hours to a couple hundred hours. God, they were annoying!

“Okay okay!” Lucas shouted Nathan down. “My turn.” He refilled their shot glasses with the bottle of bourbon they’d almost emptied. “To…to what? To…to…crap…to that hot flight attendant.”

“What? What the hell kind of thing is that to toast to? God you’re lame,” Nathan complained but downed the shot anyway. “To Whitey, ‘cause really, would we be here without him?” He slammed back another shot full. He drunkenly tugged his tie looser with a heavy sigh. The knot had gravitated half way down his chest.

“No, we definitely would not,” Lucas slurred in agreement tapping his glass with Nathan’s. “To Whitey. You know, without Whitey, we still wouldn’t be brothers.”

“Unless Whitey did the wild thing with my mom or yours that I don’t know about, even drunk I know we’d still be brothers. I’d just still hate you,” Nathan corrected.

“Ditto that,” Lucas said bobbing his head in complete agreement. “God he could be a grouchy old bastard couldn’t he?” Lucas laughed; his head fell heavily back against the seat.

“He sure could, but he was a hell of a coach who knew what he was doing, and what it took to get the most out of us. And…he’s…he’s a hell of a human being. He kept me from drowning in my father’s bullshit more times than I can remember,” Nathan fondly reminisced. “To Whitey,” he said again as they both drank.

“First stop!” the driver happily called out to them. Nathan peeked out the darkened window.

“It’s me,” he sighed staring at the building unmoving from his seat. “Home sweet home,” he mumbled. He glanced back apprehensively toward Lucas. “So…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me when you’re ready to go get your car at the airport. Congratulations man,” he smiled hugging his brother.

“You too man. Congratulations. It’ll only get better from here little brother. Hey Nate…hang in there. One day at a time. It’s going to take her time okay? She loves you.”

“Yeah,” Nathan shook his head with a small smile.

The apartment was silent. It was dark. It wasn’t quite evening, but the blinds were shut. It was the first thing she did every morning. Open the blinds to let the sunlight in. It was like an obsession. She’d obviously never opened them. He didn’t bother to turn a light on.

He went back to the bedroom. Nobody. He dropped his bag on the floor in front of the bed, and emptied his pockets on the dresser. He glanced at the forms he laid his things on top of. Blinking against the alcohol clouding his head and the dim light, he focused harder on the papers. He picked them up skimming over the details. He knew he hadn’t eaten tainted food, nor had he had enough alcohol to cause such a violent reaction, but the sickness in his stomach was immediate and powerful. He didn’t think he was going to make it to the bathroom on time.

He hung his head over the commode fighting back the nausea. He drew in long deep breaths trying to hold on.

He never really believed it would come to this.

He was still in his suit, slumped down in the chair tossing his nerf ball an hour later when she finally came home.

She dropped her keys in her purse setting it along with her computer bag and book on the table. She carried the sack of take out food into the kitchen, empting it onto the counter. She laid the bottle of wine in the refrigerator.

Picking the mail off the table when she came back into the living room, she absently reached for the light switch. “Hey,” he quietly murmured from across the darkened room.

You could have heard her scream from the sidewalk. She grabbed at her chest, the mail hit the floor, “DAMN IT you scared me! Damnation! Why didn’t you say something! Turn the light on! God Nathan! Shit!”

“Sorry,” he mumbled. He made no attempt to get up. He continued to toss the ball.

“Man,” she said still gasping for air. “God…whew,” a smile finally reached her lips as she walked toward where he sat in the corner of the room. “I didn’t know you were coming today. Why didn’t you call, I would have picked you up. Come here.”

She smiled reaching out for his hand. “Nathan…” She pulled on his hand, urging him up. He wearily pushed himself out of the chair. He couldn’t stop his arms from closing around her, the way hers were him. Both of their eyes fluttered shut at the feel of the familiar warm body. He squeezed her tighter against him, lovingly stroking a hand over her head she had burrowed into his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re home. I missed you,” she smiled pushing up on her toes to lay a kiss to his mouth.

“I missed you too,” he replied simply. He dropped back in the chair, keeping his eyes trained on the fingers that distractedly fidgeted with each other in his lap.

Haley’s brow furrowed as she watched his nervous motions. She reached behind her, pulling the coffee table closer, gingerly sitting at the edge. She untangled his hands from each other grasping them firmly in hers. She tried to catch his eye.

“Hey…,” she squeezed his hands tighter, tugging at them trying to get him to look her way. He finally turned dispirited eyes toward her. Her brow knit tighter. “Are you okay?”

He watched her confusion. He didn’t understand. He didn’t feel entirely in tune with what was going on, it felt more like he was an observer, sitting on a ceiling ledge watching two strangers about to implode before him.

Things were going in slow motion. Her words seemed so drawn out and labored he was having a hard time understanding what she was saying. His heart felt as if it were constricting tighter and tighter as the seconds ticked on.

“Nathan?” She rubbed a soft hand over his. He gave his head a hard shake trying to clear a path for thoughts.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah…yeah I’m fine.”

Her fingers ran lightly over his flushed cheek. “Are you sure? I can tell you’ve been doing a little celebrating already today,” she smiled. “I…um…I actually got some wine for us to celebrate with. I was kind of expecting you tomorrow, so I’m glad I already got it. You want a glass now or should we wait a while? Let you’re other celebration wear off a little,” she said with a small laugh. He slowly pulled his hands from hers. His fingers fiddled with each other again.

“Let’s um…let’s do this now Haley. I just…you know, I’m just not up to making nice first okay? Let’s just get on with it.” He didn’t sound mad, or upset, or angry. He was straight forward, to the point, measured…cold. He could feel his stomach churning. The nausea was returning.

“I don’t know what you mean Nathan. Get on with what?” Her voice was scared and weak; her eyes desperately searched his for an answer. She reached out for his hands again. He wouldn’t let her take them; pulling them away he gripped the arms of the chair.

“Get up. Get up,” his order a little stronger when she didn’t budge the first time. She slowly stood, never allowing her eyes to leave him. He leaned forward taking up the papers off the table. The ones she didn’t notice, nor realize she’d been sitting on.

He glanced over them again before holding them up in front of his pounding chest as he turned them toward her. His eyes bore into hers, watching the stunned reaction. The blood drained from her face when she took the papers he pushed her way, leaving her stricken expression ashen and grim. Her hand flew over her mouth to cover the squeaked gasp.

She couldn’t stop her teeth from gnawing the life out of her lip or the repeated way she fiercely tucked and retucked the hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes, slowly shaking her head drawing in a long ragged breath trying to gather the right words. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.

She swallowed hard. “Nathan…listen,” her voice was a slow whisper. “It’s not what you think.”

“It’s not,” he sarcastically snapped back. He wasn’t going to pretend any longer he wasn’t hurt or angry. He couldn’t. She was just going to have to deal with it. It was time she dealt with something.

“Well, let’s see here,” he snatched the papers back from her hands. “Let’s see exactly what I do think it is. It would appear to be a completed application to the University of North Carolina law school. And looky here,” he exclaimed with mock excitement. “It has a big fat red stamp on it - with yesterday’s date by the way - that says - ‘Accepted’. How about that? But that’s not all folks…there’s another form here…” His voice was growing less sarcastic and more angry with each word. “This pretty yellow form right here, is a housing application. And…,” he turned it around pretending to read it again. “It has a dorm assignment on it already. If I’m not mistaken, that’s the dorm reserved for law students. Wow! This is all falling so nicely into place isn’t it? And how about that…it was dated yesterday too! Great! You got accepted to law school, and found a place to live all in one day. Good job Hales! Ever the overachiever! Congratulations!”

“Nathan please…please listen to me,” her shaky voice begged.

He flung the forms on the table. “There’s only one thing left to say Haley, and I believe that gives you the floor,” he intoned flatly, waving a hand at her to speak. His fingers tapped nervously on the chair he sat back against, he wouldn’t release her watering eyes from his intense stare. He wasn’t about to let up, and make it easy on her.

“Let me explain. I…I didn’t want you to find out like this. I wanted to talk to you about it Nathan…”

“Talk. Now you want to talk? You’re off the hook Haley. Those forms do all the talking you need! You’re staying here! I’m not! The end…of everything,” he shrugged shoving up out of his chair. He paced the room, jerking at his tie till he finally got it unknotted. He undid another button on his shirt, rubbing roughly at his neck trying to wipe away the strangled feeling. “I can’t believe I’m still wearing this shit,” he muttered slamming his waded up jacket into the couch.

Haley sat silently watching. She tucked her hands under her arms trying to stop the shaking. “Please listen,” her trembling voice begged him.

“Listen! To what? I already know what you’re going to say Haley! So just say it!” he ran his own trembling hands through his hair. “SAY IT!” he yelled, turning hotly on her when she continued to sit silent.

“Say what? I…I don’t know what it is you want me to say,” her voice quivered out. She searched his distraught face seeking a clue as to what he wanted.

“Yes you do Haley,” he grit back. “I don’t care how you put it…we’re through, we’re done, it’s over, I want to break up, I don’t love you anymore, I can’t forgive you, I hate your fucking guts! I don’t give a shit how you say it, just get it over with! NOW!”

He could feel his chest tightening further, his breaths were coming short and heavy…there wasn’t any air left in the damn room. His head was getting light…he couldn’t breath. He wiped harshly at the sweat on his forehead. He knew he was going to pass out if he didn’t sit. He dropped down on the couch pulling open another button on his shirt, tugging the collar further apart trying to find some air.

“Nathan,” Haley slowly whispered. She reached a shaky hand toward him, but withdrew it twisting her fingers together in her lap. “Nathan, I love you. I don’t want to break up…but…I can’t go to Boston. Not right now. I need more time. I’m reeling from all that’s happened the past few weeks Nathan. I can’t get past it. I just…I can’t go.” He hadn’t looked up from the spot his blank eyes had latched onto minutes ago.

“I…I want to go ahead and start law school here. It’s just temporary okay? I just…I need to stay here, where it’s familiar, where I’m comfortable, where I feel….”

“Where you’re going to be alone,” came his vacant mumble. “You’re going to be all alone Haley. Everyone’s leaving in a matter of days. All the people you’re closest to Haley, they’re all leaving. Jake, Greg, Lucas, Brooke, Peyton…they’re all leaving. Getting on with their lives, starting new ones. You’re going to be alone. Is that really what you want?”

She shook her head glancing down at her twisting hands. “Yes.”

He could barely hold his head up he felt so completely exhausted. He leaned forward pressing his elbows into his thighs, he ran tired hands around his pounding head.

Laying a hand across his mouth he finally raised his head to see her shaking hands wiping the tears off the cheeks of her still bowed head.

“I don’t know what to say,” he wearily shrugged.

“Say you love me. Say…you understand.”

He chuckled lightly shaking his head in dismay. “I love you Haley, but I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. I could go on about how I don’t understand you passing up Harvard, and the other top schools in Boston that accepted you, but I’m self-centered, that’s not what confounds me the most.” Releasing a long deep breath he sat back against the couch, his fingers dug into his scalp. He couldn’t relieve the pressure in his head.

“I love you Haley. I want to be with you, always, all the time; I want to be with you. I need you, and I guess what I don’t understand the most, is why. After all this time together, why don’t you feel the same way about me?”

She could feel the heartbreak, the total confusion, in every quiet word he spoke. She moved to the couch, kneeling down in front of him, squeezing his hands between hers, she let the tears roll unencumbered down her cheeks. “Nathan, listen to me,” her broken voice choked out. “I love you, and I do want to be with you, but right now…I feel like a screwed up mess, and I don’t know how to undo it…Maybe being by myself, focusing on myself, will help me figure things out. I’m no good to you this way Nathan.”

“Let me help you Haley,” he implored “I can help you if you’ll just let me baby.”

“I don’t know how you can help me. I don’t know how to let you help me. I know you need me, but I can’t be needed right now Nathan. I feel like I can barely take care of myself.”

“Haley…we can get through this if you’ll just talk to me. We need to talk about what happened…the baby and…”

“No!” She staunchly interrupted thrashing her head from side to side in protest. “No…I don’t want to talk about it. It hurts too much…I can’t,” she whimpered miserably.

“Haley,” he was fighting to keep his tone calm, keep his own tears from falling as he grasped her face firmly between his hands holding her still. “Haley please…this is killing us! Look at me!” She wouldn’t. She closed her eyes still shaking her head, as the tears continued to pour.

“Alright, if you won’t talk, I will. I have to. I’m sorry Haley,” he quietly choked out. “I’m so sorry about…everything…about the baby. I’m sorry I made you go to that banquet. You were tired, you didn’t feel good, I never should have made you go. I’m sorry I didn’t see that car Haley. I…I should have seen it. If…I’d seen it…if I’d seen it we wouldn’t be here now.” She continued to slowly shake her head no. It was the only absolution she could offer, she couldn’t form words.

He laid his head to hers, stroking gently through her hair. “I love you Haley…I’m so sorry.” Pressing a long kiss to her forehead he continued to unnecessarily seek her forgiveness. “I know you wanted the baby, I know you already loved it…loved it with your whole heart, I did too.” He kept a gentle hold on her face as her body shook with the sobbing that was consuming her. “There’s…there is nothing Haley…nothing I want more than to have a family with you, build a life together. I love you so much Haley. Just know that okay…I love you, and I’m so, so sorry baby. If you could just find a way to forgive me I know we can make this work. Please…”

She slowly raised her face; her red rimmed watering eyes met his pleading ones. Her hand brushed soft strokes down his cheek. She laid her head to his again. Her lips placed a light kiss to his. “Nathan, I don’t blame you. I wanted to go, you didn’t make me, and…the car…it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault.”

He shouldn’t feel guilty. She didn’t want him to feel guilty. He hadn’t done a thing wrong. She knew she should have had her seatbelt on. She never should have questioned having the baby in the first place, he didn’t, it was a blessing, she was given a gift she didn’t appreciate enough. She knew he was beating himself up over everything when it was her; she was the one at fault. She was the one deserving punishment, not him.

His cheek felt so gentle against hers as she held his face. Her other hand massaged into the back of his neck kneading into the knotted tension there. “I love you,” she whispered against his ear laying a feather kiss against it.

The soft touches, the light kisses…he could feel them burning into him. Heating his body. He couldn’t control the carnal reactions. He loved her, he loved her body and her kisses, and the way her lips were dragging slow and wet down his neck right now had him straining to keep the deep need moan from spilling from his throat.

She had his shirt unbuttoned the rest of the way tugging it loose from where it was still tucked into his pants, her hands moved sensually slow and wanting across his bare chest. She pushed his shirt off his shoulders leaving it to lay bunched on his arms as her hands massaged deep into his strong shoulders. He couldn’t hold in the long moan at the feel of her teeth nipping into his flesh there. His eyes closed, his breaths grew labored at her hands touch, at the touch of her lips sucking over his chest, at the feel of her wet tongue licking along his stomach.

Pushing off her knees, she placed one between his legs for leverage as she easily pushed his back down on the couch. His eyes eased open as he felt her straddle herself across him. “Baby?” He could barely push the question from his dry throat. She smiled softly, letting her actions do the talking when her shirt and then her bra landed on the floor behind him.

“Hales…it’s too soon.” His breaths were growing panted while his hands betrayed his concern for her and gently groped handfuls of her beautiful breasts. He hadn’t forgotten for a minute what an erotic charge they always gave him. He groaned low and needing at her pleasured deep sigh, at the way her head fell away at his touch, her hair spilling so seductively around her naked shoulders and soft plump breasts. He couldn’t stop himself from pushing and grinding up against her crotch that was spread over his protruding erection. He could feel the heat ebbing through her jeans.

Her lips worked wet over his chest again as her hands undid his belt, and pried the button and zipper open. He stilled her hands when she went to work his pants down over his hips. “Haley…don’t do something you’re not ready for. You don’t have to prove anything baby.” Her smile only grew as she continued her task. Flipping his shoes off, she worked the pants and boxers off his legs, he nudged himself up enough to let her remove the rumpled shirt over his hands. She smiled satisfied with the view of his muscular body laid bare for her on the couch, his chest visibly hammering with wanton anticipation, his manhood in full firm view in complete desire for her.

The chest pounding only grew faster, his breaths quicker, his tongue traced wet over his lips as he watched her strip the jeans and lacy panties from her body.

The moan from his lips was long and loud when her mouth engulfed him, his fingers tangled in her hair that fell wildly over his stomach. He sucked in sharp breaths at the feel of her tongue caressing him, her teeth ever so lightly teasing him. His voice was a deep gurgling disappointed groan when he felt her mouth leave him. She knew the way his hips were bucking faster and harder into her mouth, his moans ever more breathless, he was going to blow any second and she had to have him.

She needed to have him. She had to feel that ultimate closeness with him. She didn’t know when…or what chilled her more…she didn’t know with complete certainty, if she’d ever have him again.

He let go a dissatisfied whimper, his hands sought back her warmth when she climbed off in search of his pants. She snatched the wallet from his back pocket. Money, receipts, ticket stubs, a sundry of other now meaningless things hit the floor as she almost frantically searched for a condom. She smiled triumphant when she found one, holding it aloft to him in victory. He returned the happy grin.

He briefly held her still, concern flooding his face, he held her eyes in a serious gaze with his. “Haley…don’t let me hurt you. If this is going to hurt you…if it’s too soon, please let’s not. I don’t want to hurt you.”

She smiled. “You won’t.”

“I love you.” She caressed his face between her hands, “I’ll always love you,” she whispered assuringly in his ear, dropping a kiss there.

Her mouth opened wide with his, their desire burning into the other as their bodies molded together as one, their passion and complete love for one another filling their apartment…and possibly their lives for the last time.

Feeling around on the floor, he found his discarded shirt, spreading it across her bare back hoping to warm away the goose bumps that had popped up over her skin. She smiled grateful, dropping a kiss on his cheek before snuggling her face further into the crook of his neck, returning her fingers to trail through his hair. One hand rested over her bottom, as the other traced languid circles on her back underneath the shirt. He dropped his own kiss on her head.

Even if it only lasted for minutes, for now, it felt like he’d returned to heaven.

“You okay? Your sides, your ribs…I didn’t hurt them or…you know the other…”

She pushed up to face him, an amused smile taking over her lips. “The other? Nathan…the other?” She giggled lightly at his slightly blushing cheeks.

He rolled his eyes with mild embarrassment. “You know what I mean. The sex, it didn’t hurt you?”

“Did it sound like I was in pain? I mean I know I make some crazy noises during sex, but I never thought they sounded pained. Did I sound pained?” She smirked down at him.

He rolled his eyes again, pushing her head down to rest on his chest. “No, those definitely weren’t sounds of pain I heard,” he said with a pleased chuckle. She giggled. He sighed deeply satisfied at the sweet sound.

The lay tangled together on the cramped couch listening to the silence of their apartment, their home. The room grew more shrouded in darkness as the evening closed in around them. Neither wanted to be the one to break the delusion of happiness they lay basking in.

The only noises interrupting their bliss came from the neighbors slamming doors, or the noise of the cars zooming through the parking lot.

“You’re still not coming are you?” He quietly questioned, hiding the hope in his voice. She shook her head.

Or the noise of his heart breaking a little further.

She placed a soft kiss over his despondent heart that thumped against her cheek as if she were applying a healing elixir.

He wanted to scream and yell some more. Rant and rave, cuss and fume…but knew it would serve no purpose. Her mind was made up, that was clear. He’d only upset her further; make her cry more than he already had. He felt responsible for every tear she’d shed the last few months. From the minute she’d shown him the pregnancy test till now. The airplane…it was his idea; he’d started this whole mess. He couldn’t cause her added grief, no matter his own anguish. Instead, he laid his head to hers, his eyes falling shut as his arms closed tighter around her back, his lips held a long kiss to her head.

“I have to go back to Boston in a couple of days.”

She pushed up to look at him disappointed. “Why?”

“Because I work there now,” he sarcastically scoffed, instantly regretting his tone. “Sorry…I just have some things to do Haley. They want to check my hand. Which I’m sure they’re going to be thrilled as hell to see I cut the bandage off. I just couldn’t stand it a minute longer. They want to set up some sort of physical therapy on it. They’re way too worried about my hand. Anyway…I need to find us, or rather, I need to find myself, somewhere to live. I think they have an appearance or two the teams doing they want me to attend so…just a bunch of little stuff.”

He watched his hand trail gently through her hair, the silky feel between his fingers caused a small smile. He always loved the feel of her hair.

“Okay,” she whispered in understanding, gulping back the lump in her throat.

“I think they’re going to have my contract ready to sign. There’s a lot of zero’s on that thing Hales,” he winked smiling up at her. She returned the happy smile. “You’re welcome to go with me Haley. You know…just to see.”

She glanced away, concentrating on her hand that rubbed lightly over his chest, “I better stay here,” she said with a small shrug. “We have to be out of the apartment by the end of the month, which is almost here, so I really should stay here and pack. I can move stuff into the dorm on the…,” she stopped short at the feel of the tension filling his body and the tightening of his jaw. “Anyway,” she mumbled laying her head back down on his shoulder.

He could feel that sick feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. He knew it was just the first in a long line of excuses to come.

She didn’t know he was going to be on the news. She just accidentally happened to turn the television on as she ate her dinner a few days later. But the local press had gotten footage of his contract signing, and was glowing with praise for the latest Tarheel to make it to the big time.

She glowed with pride herself as she listened to him graciously answer their endless list of questions. She knew he’d rather eat dirt, but he was smiling and laughing along like he didn’t have a care in the world. Her eyebrow quirked at the last question, her mouth twisted in irritation.

“So Nathan, just one more question,” the reporter chuckled. “I’m only asking this because I know half the females in Boston are curious. Are you single? I mean we all know you’re not married, but I guess what they want to know is…are you available?”

The broad smile waned a bit; he released an audibly annoyed sigh, his eyes shifted a bit nervously across the room. “I umm…I’d really rather keep my private life private.”

Haley leaned forward, her eyes narrowing at the television screen, honing in on his shifting eyes.

“Come on,” the reporter pushed. “Just a hint. They just want to know if they stand a chance Nathan, that’s all.”

Nathan tried to keep the smile plastered to his face. “I…,” he sighed with a pathetic chuckle. Haley’s brow furrowed deeper watching him scratch at his head, his eyes still focused on the table. He raised his head to the reporter again, lightly clearing his throat. “I…I have a girlfriend. We’ve actually been together for a long time, so, to answer your question, no, I’m not available.”

“So she’ll be joining you in Boston?” The reporter quickly threw out a follow-up question.

“Sorry, that’s all you’re getting.” Nathan replied with finality, quickly pushing his chair back, unceremoniously ending the press conference.

Haley was suddenly developing that same sinking feeling in her stomach Nathan had been fighting.

Nathan shook his head with a tired sigh as he dragged himself toward the apartment, twisting his neck one direction and then another trying to work out the kinks. He didn’t like feeling like the main attraction at the circus, and that’s exactly how the week in Boston had left him feeling. Pulled this way, and pushed that way. He was quickly realizing what everyone had said was true – basketball was no longer a game - it was a business. He wondered if he’d ever accept that fact. He knew his career would be complete drudgery if he didn’t. He blew out another tired sigh.

He jerked his head back in time to keep from getting whacked by the door that bounced back at him. He scowled pushing it with more force. He stepped through to find the living room littered with boxes. Some obviously full and labeled with rooms…more than a few had his name on them. Only his name. Welcome home.

“Haley!” he heard the deep aggravated voice bellow from the bedroom. “Where the hell did you put that tape? I’ve been looking f…Nathan…hi.” His tone immediately soften at seeing Nathan standing alone in the living room staring a bit confused, and obviously more than a bit annoyed, at the shambles his home had turned into in his absence.

“Hi Mr. James…this is,” he paused shaking his head as he frowned from box to box, “a surprise.”

“It’s a mess I know. My meticulously organized daughter has turned into a nut…in more ways than one,” he muttered under his breath. “Yeah,” Nathan muttered in agreement.

“I told her I’d help her pack when I got back. Help her move stuff into the dorm. I guess she couldn’t wait. Here’s the tape.” He leaned down handing him the wide roll lying on the box nearest the door.

Jimmy pushed the roll over his hand. “Thanks, I guess she dropped it there on her way out. She just ran some stuff over to Peyton’s. She uncovered some CD’s and clothes that apparently belong to Peyton and Brooke. She should be back in a little bit.” Nathan nodded.

He dodged boxes to reach the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator to find Jimmy’s favorite beer filling a shelf. Apparently, she wasn’t surprised by his visit. He grabbed a couple, already chugging his down when he returned to the living room handing Jimmy a cold bottle. Jimmy smiled appreciatively tipping his back as well.

Nathan shoved some stray box lids aside so he could sit on the couch. The reality of all this was settling in, and not well. He went back for another beer. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I kind of got volunteered,” Jimmy chuckled on his way to get himself another drink. “Save us a little time.” He grinned setting the rest of the box of beer on the table between them. Nathan returned the smile. Jimmy was one of a kind. He was going to miss him.

“Lydia said she’d store some of your furniture and things at the house till you guys…well, till Haley pulls her head out of her ass,” he grunted perplexed by his youngest child’s recent decisions. “So I brought the truck and a trailer to haul it to the house. I’m going to look like Jed Clampett going down the highway,” he laughed.

She loved Nathan. Nathan loved her. They lost a baby. You pull together, not apart. He didn’t get it. And his attempts at making her get it last night ended with her stomping away, her bedroom door slamming to signify the conversation was over.

“You gonna’ put a stop to this nonsense?”

Nathan shrugged. “I tried talking to her. It’s been a little one sided. She’s not real interested in talking about the baby or the accident or pretty much anything. I don’t know Mr. James, her minds pretty set. I only manage to get her upset when I try to talk to her so…I’m just going to back off and let her have what she thinks she wants. She said she’ll come to Boston. I’ll…I’ll have to trust that she will. I just wish I knew when,” he sighed frustrated by the whole topic.

“You want to know what I think?”

It was pretty clear what he thought. “I’d love to know,” Nathan laughed. Like he had a choice?

“I think she’s lost her mind.” Nathan laughed again. Jimmy was nothing if not honest.

“I know she’s my daughter, and I love her with all my heart, but she’s wrong staying here. Now I admit, I was not keen on the two of you living together. I still don’t think it’s the right way to go…but, you did, and all these years later you’re still together, had a nice little life going from what I could tell. It’s clear you two are very much in love. I understand she’s upset about the baby. I’m sure you are too, but this…I want to be alone crap…I don’t get it. I told her so. She slammed the door in my face,” he chuckled. “All the females in my house are door slammers,” he shook his head dismayed. “Don’t get that either. Much more cleansing to break something…don’t you think?”

“Oh yeah,” Nathan wholeheartedly agreed with a long amused chuckle. He really was going to miss the James’.

Jimmy pushed up to sit at the edge of his chair. He stared across at Nathan with a small smile. He liked Nathan. He had from the start. He was a good hearted kid who surely had kept his daughters perfect little world wobbling. He liked that. She needed that. She was trying to get that perfect world back. Life wasn’t like that. Jimmy knew she was in for a long, difficult, lonesome journey. He wanted to help her. She wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t let anybody. He knew this arrangement was never going to work.

Nathan glanced away from Jimmy’s gaze, uncomfortable with the continued silence.

Jimmy’s smile only grew as he leaned across patting Nathan firmly on his thigh. “I love you Nathan. Let’s go work on that bedroom.” Jimmy grabbed up the box of beer taking it with them.

Haley heard the loud laughter coming from her apartment before she even opened the door. She wondered what her father had found to amuse himself with. She leaned in the doorway of her bedroom observing what it was.

Her father and her boyfriend, both spread out on her bed on their backs, laughing like crazed hyenas. It didn’t take but a brief glance around at the beer bottles littering the bedroom to realize, they were drunk.

“Guess I missed the party.” Their heads shot up before they both landed heavily back on the bed trying to contain their laughter. She knew this was her fathers doing.

“C’mere.” Nathan waved her over with an unsteady hand before slapping at the space beside him.

She knelt down on the floor next to Nathan, laying her arms across his stomach. “I’m not about to lay down because that’s just…creepy,” she said wrinkling her nose toward Nathan as she nodded at her father who was watching the pair with an alcohol induced grin. “I’m glad your back,” she smiled popping a kiss on Nathan’s mouth. “I missed you.”

“Well there’s a phase you’re going to get a lot of practice saying,” Jimmy chuckled staring wide eyed back at the ceiling.

“Daddy!” Haley snapped.

“I’m just sayin’,” Jimmy returned innocently, tossing his hands absently in the air.

Nathan’s hand had slipped behind her neck pulling her mouth to his before she could bite back at her father. He was struggling to keep it G rated. He briefly let his tongue slide across hers. Maybe he could get by with a little PG. He pulled away resting his head to hers. “I missed you too.” Haley smiled. “I love you.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “I love you too.”

“So what were you two cackling about?” Haley asked trying to draw her father from his reverie. If she didn’t get him moving, and soon, he was going to fall asleep.

“The draft,” Jimmy answered turning back to face his daughter again.

“I don’t remember hearing anything especially funny about the draft,” she said looking at Nathan puzzled. He shrugged.

“I guess it was the after party. The player who was all confused by the girl offering her services. Kind of a pay to play sort of thing,” Jimmy chuckled once again amused by the story. “Where was he from again Nathan?”

Nathan wanted the bed to open up and swallow him whole. A drunken Mr. James had a big mouth. He’d have to remember that. He cut his eyes toward Haley who was now sitting back on her heels, her arms folded tight around herself as she openly glared at him. He quickly focused back on the ceiling.

“Idaho,” he barely mumbled.

“I guess I missed that story,” Haley grit, her eyes shooting daggers into the side of Nathan’s head.

“Guess so,” he mumbled even lower. Jimmy had to fight back the laugh. It reminded him of his early days with Lydia. He just seemed to stay in trouble with her back then.

“I didn’t realize they provided whores for the new draftees. Trying to get them started off on the right foot I guess,” she snarled fighting back the tears prickling her eyes.

“Haley,” Jimmy admonished throwing a disapproving scowl her way. She ignored him.

“No Haley…it wasn’t like that. Some girls just showed up. It was pretty obvious to most everybody what they were, but this guy…he’s from this little nowhere town…he didn’t get it. It…never mind, it wasn’t a big deal, forget it.”

“I get it. He was a big hick who couldn’t recognize a call girl slash whore when he saw one…unlike the rest of you big city slickers who know all about them first hand,” she bit harshly swatting away a lone tear.

Oh for heaven sake, Jimmy inwardly grumbled at himself. If Lydia were here she’d kick my ass. No more beer, he reprimanded himself.

“Baby, what are you getting so upset about? It was nothing.” Nathan tried to sooth, rolling so he could push up on his elbow to face her. He reached out trying to take a hand she kept clamped around herself.

“I saw your press conference. They asked you if you were available. You scratched your head and your eyes were darting everywhere,” she quickly rambled out, wiping roughly at the tears with the heel of her hand.

Now Jimmy wanted the bed to swallow him whole. He eased up to the edge, thinking it might be best if he just quietly slunk away.

“For God’s…Haley, is that what you’re so upset over? God Haley, I told them I had a girlfriend. I thought I was pretty clear that I wasn’t available. In fact I think I used those words, ‘I’m not available’. What else was I supposed to say?”

“It wasn’t what you said, it was how you said it…all…all dodgy like.”

“It wasn’t dodgy like,” Nathan scoffed. “They asked, I gave them as short an answer as I could. I don’t like people all up in my business. You know that Haley.” Now he was getting agitated.

“Everybody could see it Nathan. Your eyes all darting and scratching your head. You know you do that when you’re fibbing.” She was biting hard into her lip to ward off the trembling.

“GOD!” he groaned flopping back on the bed. He couldn’t count how many times she’d said that the last four years. “That is such bullshit!”

Jimmy slowly started slinking toward the door. Maybe it was the beer or maybe he just couldn’t take his intelligent daughter being so ignorant, but whatever it was, he couldn’t hold his tongue. He stopped in the doorway turning back to the couple. Nathan was shaking his head in frustration as he stared at the ceiling; Haley was still wrapped in her own arms glaring at him.

“This little argument your having here Haley…it’s the first of about a million just like it that are about to come your way. You don’t want girls thinking he’s available…then make yourself known. Get your things together, and get your butt to Boston Haley! This is not going to work!” he finished sternly as he met his youngest child’s rage filled eyes.

Her reply…another slammed door. Jimmy shrugged going back to the living room to continue her packing. “I’m just sayin’,” he muttered to himself.

Another week and all that was left was Nathan’s suitcases filled with clothes and things he might need the first few days he was in Boston before his boxes arrived from Fed Ex. Haley only had a couple changes of clothes left in the apartment, the rest having been moved to the dorm. Pretty much everything else was gone, but the blow up mattress they’d been sleeping on and a few blankets.

He had to get back to Boston for rookie mini-camps and team mini-camps and about a hundred other things including new workout routines they had for him, and film and playbooks he needed to study, and on and on.

Haley was going to take a class the first summer session, and maybe go to Charlotte and work for Dan the rest of the summer. She wasn’t sure. Peyton and Jake, who’d both gotten jobs there, said she could stay with them. She didn’t know. She needed the job experience, but the thought of living with those two wasn’t very appealing at the moment. She’d rather be left to her own company.

Nathan seemed to have stepped right into the stages of grief. Denial. The first few days he banished their impending parting completely from his head. He was laughing and joking and having fun with her. They made passionate love all over the apartment, seemingly christening every room again and again.

As the week closed in on them, the anger began to kick in. He got quiet and sullen, barely offering more than a grunt or short mumbled responses. She was putting them through unnecessary pain. He could help her. He was getting increasingly pissed that she refused to let him, still refused to discuss anything. Fine, if she wanted to wallow in her self-pity…he’d just let her.

The other steps…the bargaining, the depression…they’d both appear in the months to come.

He was going to fly back. Dan and Deb had offered to drive his car up in a couple of weeks. He was grateful. He didn’t feel up to driving that far, left to his own thoughts for miles on end…not a good idea right now.

His finger rubbed lightly against the rain soaked window of the limo that was taking him to the airport. He could still smell her on his clothes. He could still feel her kisses, feel her warm body melding with his as they made slow sensual love this morning. He still saw her standing at the door in his old Tarheel jersey choking back tears as they clung to each other, whispering loving words in the others ear. She said she loved him. She promised she would come.

He held a shaky hand across his mouth as the tears welled hot in his eyes, as he watched Chapel Hill fade into his past. He tried to thumb them away, but there were too many, so he briefly allowed them to fall.

Time passed. Life went on. The season started, school started, both made it more difficult for visits. They’d been few and brief anyway.

He always came to her.

She said she loved him.

She promised she would come.

Several months passed, maybe ten…she called. She couldn’t seem to function half the time she said. All she wanted to do was sleep. And when she wasn’t consumed with wanting to sleep she had insomnia, awake for hours and hours on end. She was doing well in school, but she had no idea how. Everything was a struggle. She even admitted to being lonely at times.

She didn’t know when she was going to get it together. She was holding him back. It would be better if he got on with his life…without her. He’d be better off she assured him. She couldn’t keep worrying about him, and she didn’t want him worrying about her either. He needed her, but she still couldn’t deal with her own needs much less his.

They’d both be better off to just break it off now. She couldn’t drag him down with her any longer. He should get on with his life.

She said she loved him.

She always promised…promised, she would come. She wasn’t.

He hung up the phone.

The final stage of grief – acceptance – it would never come either.

Chapters 25 - 26

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