By Kate
CHAPTER SEVEN – The Passing of Love
When she looked back on that moment, the one thing she would remember, oddly enough, was being grateful for how small she was. Because if she had been taller than her 5’2”, she wouldn’t have been able to so effectively use the Kings officials who had been standing off to the side with her to shield herself from the press. As it was, all she had to do was move a little more towards the wall and suddenly, she was surrounded by taller, bigger people. Instant hiding place. She saw a few pair of eyes look over at her before turning their attention back to Nathan.
Nathan.
He had stopped looking. . .glaring. . .at her so intensely and was now drinking from his water glass. He wasn’t sipping the water, but steadily drinking from it, slowly and methodically. The symbolism wasn’t lost on her.
Nor Sean, who quickly jumped in.
“As you know, Nathan doesn’t talk about his personal life, past or present.” Sean glanced at the Kings’ GM who nodded shortly. “O.K. guys, we’re gonna have to cut this short. Nathan is still recovering from the accident.” Sean glanced over at Nathan who had drained his glass and was now stonily staring at the press corps. “Thanks everyone.”
Nathan stood, grabbed his cane and began to hobble out. His face was impassive, and he calmly ignored questions that were shouted at him as well as the glare of the video cameras and blitzkrieg of flash bulbs. He barely glanced at her as he passed, while Sean gave her a ‘what happened’ look before he too exited. She waited until the group she was standing with filed out and she blended in, hoping to not attract any attention to herself.
It felt as if her body was acting on its own accord, because her mind was definitely elsewhere.
Of all the ways for Nathan to find out about their early marriage and divorce, that was definitely the worst possible way. She wished now that she had told him sooner, but a part of her still felt that she had handled things the best way she knew how.
She barely made it into the hall when someone grabbed her and pulled her into one of the nearby assistant coaches’ offices. She had expected it to be Nathan and felt oddly relieved to see that it was Sean instead.
“What the hell happened out there?”
“Where’s Nathan?” she asked, concerned.
Sean sighed. “He’s in the car.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “He’s pissed about something. I thought the conference was going well. . .that it did go well so. . .”
“It’s my fault.”
“What?”
“Nathan didn’t know about us,” she said quietly.
“What?” Sean looked at her, confused. “He didn’t know you guys were married?”
She shook her head. “I. . .his doctor said not to overwhelm him with things and I. . .I didn’t know how to tell him so we had a compromise where if he asked I’d tell him but he never asked so I didn’t. And I didn’t think about the press knowing about us because it was so long ago and I just didn’t remember how they had done a profile of him when he was first drafted and they had found our marriage license and divorce papers and you know that was years ago and it-“
“Haley,” Sean cut in.
“Sorry,” she said. “I tend to ramble sometimes. Old habit.”
“So he didn’t know until the reporter sprung that on him?”
“Right.”
“No wonder he’s pissed,” Sean mumbled. He quickly shot her a look of apology. “Sorry that was-“
“The truth,” she acknowledged.
Sean smiled at her sympathetically. “This isn’t easy for you is it?”
“No, it’s not,” she said softly. “But I tell myself it’s not easy for Nathan either and that makes things OK somehow.”
“You know, I’ve always thought Nathan was lucky to have you. From the first moment he introduced me to you, I’ve thought that.”
She felt her throat catch at Sean’s words. “Thank you.”
He nodded and reached out to place a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It’ll be O.K. Even with that slight. . .glitch, the press conference was a success. The Kings are happy and I’m sure the suits who handle his endorsements are too. And the press is none the wiser.” He smiled at her encouragingly. “You know Nathan might not be quite himself but his temper, while bad, tends to burn out pretty quickly.”
“Yeah,” she murmured, as a half a dozen scenarios as to how her impending confrontation with Nathan would go flashed through her head. Not one of them was pleasant. “Is he waiting for me?”
Sean nodded. “Unless you’d rather. . .”
She shook her head. “I’ve delayed this as it is.” She reached over and gave Sean a hug. “Thanks, Sean. For everything.”
He smiled. “You need anything and you call me O.K?”
She smiled before she turned and headed for the exit. She was grateful the Kings had provided a limo to transport them to and from the press conference, and had kept the press away from the car in the meantime. All she needed was a picture of her entering the limo with what could only be classified as a stricken expression.
She absently nodded to various people as she headed for the door and once there, paused before she pushed it open. The limo had been pulled up so that simply taking a few steps from the door would lead you directly to the passenger seat. The driver was standing by the door, hand on the latch and waiting patiently. When he saw her, he smiled and smoothly opened the door.
She froze then. Knowing she needed to get in there, and yet not wanting to. What the hell was she supposed to say to him?
The driver looked at her questioningly and she forced herself to take one step after another. Before she knew it, she was climbing into the limo. She heard the door shut softly behind her and it wasn’t until that moment that she realized that she had been focusing, too intently, on the carpeted floor of the limo.
She drew in a deep breath and shifted her eyes up, and then around the limo’s expansive interior. She found Nathan instantly. He was sitting at the far end of the limo, nearest the partition that separated the front and back. He had shed his suit jacket and his tie was undone and hanging loosely around his neck.
She shouldn’t have worried about confronting Nathan then, because he was doing a great job of ignoring her. He stared fixedly out the window and didn’t acknowledge her presence at all.
“Nathan, I-“
“Not now.”
His voice was cold. The kind of tone he used when he was dead serious about something and didn’t want to argue. He didn’t even turn to look at her when he had responded continuing to stare out the limo’s tinted window.
She sighed and sank back into her seat as the limo began to pull away. She didn’t know whether to be relieved at the temporary reprieve, or even more anxious about the impending confrontation.
She glanced at him. To those who didn’t know him, outwardly, Nathan seemed perfectly fine. He was simply staring out the car’s window, enjoying a quiet limo ride. But she did know him, and she knew better. Underneath that calm exterior was a volcano waiting to erupt. Subtle things like his clenched jaw or rigid posture, or even the way his hands were clamped tightly together in his lap belied that calm exterior of his.
~*~
It was the longest car ride of her life, and more than once, she had wanted to just blurt out the explanation to him, but she knew a rambling, incoherent ‘explanation’ in the backseat of a limo was not the best way to resolve things. So she had forced herself to sit quietly.
Not once had Nathan turned to look at her during the ride. She may as well have been invisible and yet she knew he was acutely aware of her. Just as she was of him.
Just when she thought she could no longer bear the tension between them, the limo pulled up to the house and she scrambled out, thankful for the open space and fresh air.
She opened the door and keyed in the security code to disable the alarm. Nathan brushed past her wordlessly and headed for the living room. She sighed and waved to the limo driver as he pulled away.
For an instant, she wanted to flee. Her car was right in the driveway and she was standing less than 10 feet from it. Bag with keys in hand. It would be easy. Nothing was stopping her.
Nothing except her conscience and that was enough. She owed him an explanation. Slowly, she shut the door and then walked quietly down to the living room.
She found him standing, his back to her and hands in his pockets, in front of the large patio doors that led out into the landscaped backyard and pool. She looked at his back for several seconds, trying to gather the courage and sense to explain to him what couldn’t really be explained.
She was about to call to him when his quiet voice filled the room.
“When?”
“Wha. . .” she started, momentarily startled. But then her brain engaged and she understood his question. “It was a long time ago, Nathan.”
“When?” he repeated, this time the edge in his voice was unmistakable.
She sighed. “We were still in high school. You were, uh, 17. . .I was 16.”
She wasn’t even sure he had heard her because he hadn’t moved at all. It was as if he were frozen there by the patio doors. She hadn’t so much as seen a single muscle on his back twitch.
Suddenly he turned and she flinched at the raw emotion she saw in his eyes, now an intense shade of aquamarine. “Why?”
“We were in love and-“
“You know what I mean.”
She did. She had just chosen to answer the easier ‘why’ question.
“I didn’t know how,” she said quietly. “With the doctor’s advice and then our compromise, it-“
“Oh no,” he said, his voice a low rumble now. “Don’t you dare use our compromise to get out of this.” He limped over to the couch, closer to her and she wanted to back up, but stood firm. “There are things you just automatically tell someone if they can’t remember! Things like. ..like if you killed one of their relatives. Or you had their secret love child.” He pinned her with a hard stare. “Or if you were married!”
Nathan’s voice had grown louder so his last sentence had basically been shouted at her. She winced. She knew he was right. Still, it didn’t make this any easier. “You’re right. I’m-“
“You’re damn right I’m right! Is this some kind of game for you? Some sort of sick way of controlling me? Let’s just string the poor brain damaged idiot along and tell him about his life when I want to. ‘Cause I feel like playing God with someone’s life!”
She could feel the tears prickling her eyes and fought to contain them. “That is not what I was doing!”
“Could have fooled me!” he spat out. “Do you know what it feels like to be the only one who isn’t in on the joke? Especially when the joke is your life! I’ll bet everyone at that press conference knew about us except me!”
“This isn’t a joke!” she cried. “That’s not why I didn’t tell you!”
“Oh right. You were protecting me.” His face twisted into an expression of exaggerated irony. “Great f*cking job on that front! Do I look like I feel protected right now!”
She involuntarily closed her eyes, hoping the action would somehow shield her from his words. A beat later and she opened them to find Nathan still glaring at her, his anger now completely in the open. “Nathan, I. . .I didn’t know, O.K.? I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“That’s bullsh*t Haley and you know it! It took that reporter one sentence to tell me! It isn’t that hard! You just say ‘Hey, you know, when were kids, we did something really stupid and got married.” He opened his arms as if to say ‘see.’ “Then maybe we’d have a few laughs thinking about our little indiscretion and be done with it. It’s not that f*cking hard!”
He’s just angry and lashing out, she told herself, hoping it would help quell the pain that was literally spreading through her body. She felt her hands shaking and clasped them together. Nathan’s words cut her deeply. The way he was describing their marriage. . .so dismissively, as if it were nothing more important than having a one-night stand, wounded her to her very soul.
Did something really stupid. Our little indiscretion.
His words echoed in her head and each echo seemed to cut deeper and deeper into her. She drew in a shaky breath.
“It wasn’t stupid,” she said quietly.
He met her eyes and for a brief instant, she saw remorse. But that was quickly shoved away by his raging anger. “It was clearly a mistake right? After all, we divorced.” He looked at her. “So in the interest of truth. Just how long was our marriage? A few months? Did we even make it to our first anniversary?”
She turned away from him, unable to bear it. Rationally she understood what he was doing. If she thought long enough, she would probably be almost. . comforted. . .by how familiar his actions were. He had been blindsided and hurt, so now he was lashing out. That’s what Nathan did. Sure as he had matured, he did it less and less, but his anger, especially when it took hold like now, overrode any internal control that he may have had.
Rationally she understood it. But emotionally, it hurt like hell. And pain had a way of negating everything. It demanded to be felt and to be dealt with and anything and everything else faded away.
“We made it,” she said softly, each word seemingly taking Herculean effort to get out. “Our marriage lasted almost a year and a half.”
“So what is this?”
She forced herself to turn back around and look at him. She did manage to turn around, but her eyes wandered and seemed to look anywhere but at him. “What do you mean ‘this’?”
“This,” he said impatiently. “You being here. You apparently run my charitable foundation and I gave you my power of attorney. I mean I don’t know much about divorced couples but they don’t tend to hang around with each other all buddy-buddy like.” He paused and looked at her, his expression both questioning and accusatory. “Unless one of them is hoping to rekindle something.”
Something in her snapped then. Nathan’s implication that she was ‘hanging around’ him in some sort of desperate, pathetic attempt to reignite their romance caused her to lose whatever control she had been fighting to hold onto.
“We don’t need to rekindle anything,” she said, her voice dull-sounding to her ears. “We already did.”
His eyes blazed at her revelation and where normally she would have backed off, she pushed harder ahead now. She was vaguely aware of her head warning her that dangerous territory lay ahead but she easily ignored it.
“What?” he asked.
“You want to know Nathan?” she challenged. “You really want all the truth about your life? Everything?” He didn’t respond but she didn’t really give him a chance. “Fine! I’ll tell you.”
“We’re engaged,” she threw at him. “We ‘rekindled’ our relationship a long time ago and we were set to be married. How’s that for the truth?”
He flinched at her words and yet she didn’t care, plowing right ahead. “We’re in love.” She laughed then, a bizarre-sounding laugh like you would hear in a mental ward, from someone tied down in their bed, waiting for the brain-altering medication to kick in. “Do you feel in love? Are you ready to get hitched? Walk down the aisle with me when our wedding date gets here?” She made an exaggerated show of looking at her watch. “Which by the way is a mere 7 months away! So you better get cracking Nathan!”
“Haley-“
She shook her head. “No! This is what you wanted right? I asked you if you were ready to deal with it all? Well I guess now you have to. And so do I.” She looked at him then, knowing that what she was going to do next was akin to emotional suicide, and yet not caring because she was in so much pain already that she didn’t think anything could hurt any worse. “So, now you know. We were married. We got divorced. But we’re supposed to get married again. Does that change anything? Does it?”
He looked down. “Haley, that-“
“What? I’m the only one that has to answer questions around here?” Stop, please! her head screamed at her futilely. “It’s a simple question Nathan. Do you feel any differently about me knowing that I’m your fiancee? You still want to get married? Do you love me?”
“Don’t-“
“Do you?”
He looked down for what seemed an eternity before he slowly shook his head. “No.”
She had been wrong, of course. There was something that could hurt her worse. And she was feeling it at that moment. His answer hurt so much that if someone were to plunge a knife directly into her heart at that instant, she didn’t think she would even feel it.
“Right,” she choked out in a ragged whisper.
He looked at her and she was dimly aware of how tortured he looked then but she had no energy left to consider the implication of it. “Haley, it’s not-“
“I think we’ve said enough,” she said quietly. Without looking at him, she turned and walked out. Somehow, she managed to drive back to hotel before she collapsed and shuddering sobs escaped her, shaking her small frame.
~*~
“Lucas,” she said in greeting as she opened the door to her hotel suite wider to allow him entry.
She had barely closed the door behind him when she was swept up in his comforting embrace. She wanted to cry but in the past day and a half, she felt as if she had drained her tear ducts completely.
“You O,K.?” he asked gently when he finally released her.
She didn’t answer, only moving into the sitting room and settling into one of the oversized armchairs. She pulled her feet under her and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging herself. She looked over at Lucas, who had settled into the couch next to the armchair and smiled at him tiredly. “When did you get in from L.A.?”
“This morning,” he answered, still looking at her in concern.
“See the press conference?” He nodded, but his expression remained the same. “Luke! I’m not dying! Please stop looking at me like that.”
“What happened between you and Nathan?”
“You’ve seen him?” He nodded. “How is he?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. He won’t come out of his room. The only thing he said to me was ‘get the hell out of my house!’”
“That house is partly mine so don’t worry, you’re not homeless.”
“Haley.”
“Right,” she said lightly. “No time for jokes.”
“You’re scaring me Hales.”
She sighed. “I’m. . .I’ll be O.K.”
“What happened?”
“What needed to,” she said quietly.
“You told him,” he guessed. She nodded. “Everything?”
“I couldn’t tell him everything even if I wanted to,” she said dryly. “I told him we were married, well actually I just confirmed what that nice reporter ambushed him with. That and. . .that we’re engaged.”
Lucas sighed deeply. “And?”
She shrugged. “And, nothing. Like I knew it would be. He doesn’t remember me. . .he doesn’t remember loving me. Not exactly breaking news.”
“Hales that’s-“
“Luke,” she cut in gently. “It’s O.K. Really.”
“How can this be O.K.? This is not remotely even in O.K. territory.”
“It is,” she replied. She looked around the hotel room. “This is a great suite isn’t it?”
“Sure,” he responded, looking at her confused.
“But it’s not home. And I’ve been living here for close to 2 and a half months now. I just realized that last night. Two and a half months, Luke.”
“Haley, what does that have to do with anything?”
She stared at some point on the far wall. “Ever since Nathan woke up from his coma, I’ve had this. . .this feeling inside me that for the most part I’ve managed to ignore. It would nag at me every now and then but between taking care of Nathan and his affairs and just dealing with everything, you know, just keeping it together, it was easy to just ignore it.” She sighed. “But after what happened with Nathan, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. And now I realize that I shouldn’t have all along. I needed to deal with it.”
“What are you talking about Haley?”
“I need to mourn, Luke.”
“Mourn?” he asked, confused. “Mourn what?”
“Nathan,” she answered with a sad smile. “See when Nathan woke up, my joy at having him awake and alive was so. . .overwhelming and powerful that all other emotions were shoved into the background. But there was one feeling that kept nagging at me to deal with it. And like I said, I kept ignoring it.” She shrugged. “Besides, every time I couldn’t ignore it, I just rationalized it away. What do I have to mourn right? Nathan’s alive. He’s here. Mourning him is silly, right?”
She looked down at her hands. “But when Nathan confirmed for me what I knew subconsciously, that he didn’t love me, that he couldn’t, that feeling leapfrogged right to the front.” She looked back at Lucas who was simply listening to her. “Nathan may have survived the car accident, but a part of him did die Luke. And I never mourned that. I’ve never mourned the fact that in one instant, our life, all our dreams and hopes and everything was ripped away from us. I’ve never mourned the fact that the Nathan I see, while physically the same, isn’t really the same at all. I’ve never mourned the fact that his love for me died in that car accident.”
“Hales-“
“You know, I told Sean that this was hard for me but I could deal with it because knowing it was hard for Nathan made things OK somehow.” She shook her head. “I was lying. I didn’t realize I was lying but I was.”
“Nathan’s love for you didn’t die Haley.”
She smiled sadly. “It did, Luke. I get what you’re trying to do and I appreciate it because it was the same thing I’ve been doing all this time. Clinging to some false hope. Some distant memory of what might have been. . .what could have been.” She indicated the hotel room. “That’s why I’ve been living here in this hotel, while beautiful and has everything I could possibly want and need, is still just an impersonal room, in an impersonal hotel.” She sighed. “I’ve been waiting, Luke.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that Hales. And Nathan’s remembering. . .things. Who’s to say he won’t remember you?”
“You’re right,” she agreed. “He might. But then again, he might not. And I can’t wait around forever for it.” She exhaled. “I don’t think I’d survive it.” She rubbed her head tiredly. “You know, after I drove here, I was sitting in my car, just. . .sobbing uncontrollably. I mean I didn’t think I would survive the pain. Somehow I managed to get out of that car and come up here. And you know what my heart wanted, despite all that?”
Lucas sighed. “Nathan.”
She nodded. “‘Cause Nathan has always been the one to comfort me. He could just touch my hand or brush the hair from my face and suddenly, nothing seemed that bad anymore. I miss that.”
“Haley-“
“I miss it Luke because it’s gone. And I’ve never had a chance to mourn it. I’ve never had the chance to rage against the fates for being so cruel. . .cruel and ironic. They gave me Nathan, but not my Nathan you know? I miss being able to catch his eye and then have the both of us just smile in sync, as if we’re both thinking of the exact same joke at the exact same time. I miss watching him play basketball in the court outside our house and make these ridiculous shots to show off to me. I miss him just walking by me and reaching out to touch me because he wanted to. I miss the comfort of being in his arms, just him holding me.” She closed her eyes tiredly for a beat. “I miss him.”
She drew in a deep breath. “See what struck me wasn’t that my heart wanted Nathan, but that it couldn’t have him. Nathan was right. This is like a sick joke because he’s there. . .but I can’t have him. And all this time, I was more focused on the fact that maybe I could in that far-off. . .someday. . .that I didn’t deal with reality, which is that I can’t. That accident really did take Nathan from me and I’ve never dealt with it. I’ve never mourned that loss.”
“So you mourn, but then what Haley? Nathan is still going to be there.”
“I know,” she said sadly. “And I’ll have to deal with that. It’s just. . .right now, I think I need to take that piece of advice you gave me way back when.”
“Advice?”
“’Some time apart is what you both need right now,’” she quoted.
He shook his head. “Haley, that was when you guys were divorcing. This isn’t-“
“It is,” she insisted.
Lucas looked down for a beat and then exhaled slowly before he looked back up at her. “Fine. But if you’re gonna follow my old advice, then I think you should follow the one I gave you more recently.”
“Which is?”
Lucas met her eyes. “Remember in the hospital, when you were feeling that you just didn’t have any more hope, that no amount of faith was going to help you out then?”
“Luke. . .”
“You can’t give up on love. No matter what, that’s just something you don’t ever give up on.”
CHAPTER EIGHT – Familiar Grounds
This time, she could honestly say that she wasn’t deliberately avoiding Nathan.
Even if she was sure that he would want to see her, she simply didn’t have the time to stop by. Besides, there wasn’t much of a need. Lucas was back in the house. Instead of acting out, Lucas reported, Nathan had simply retreated to his room. Sure he had fired Ms. Clark, but he had done so in a professional manner. No childish, bratty antics.
It was enough for her to know that he was at least still eating, keeping his doctor’s appointments and still attending his PT sessions. And that Lucas would look out for him, no matter how difficult or unbearable Nathan became. So she knew that Nathan would be fine.
As for herself, she would too. Eventually. For now, she was thankful for how numb she felt. Feelings were good, but they were so damn exhausting at times that it was nice not to feel anything at all for once.
At least her ‘epiphany’ in the past week had fueled her overactive efficiency. She had been a whirlwind of activity. Plans were put in place, arrangements were made and decisions were carried out. In the span of a few short days, she had accomplished what would normally take weeks for most people. She was pretty much set. All that was left now were the small minor details.
That and to go see Nathan. Neither of them, she knew, needed another ugly confrontation but this visit couldn’t be avoided, or put off any longer.
Can’t be avoided, she silently repeated to herself as she rushed inside the hotel. She was running late. Her meeting with Sean had taken a bit longer than she had anticipated, and now she barely had enough time to grab a quick change of clothes before she headed over to see Nathan. His PT session had finished hours earlier, which meant that he would have had plenty of time to rest. And thus, be in a somewhat agreeable frame of mind.
While Lucas had said that Nathan wasn’t ‘acting out,’ she knew that Nathan had always been a volatile personality. Where this drove most people crazy, she found it an interesting challenge. She never knew how he was going to react. But she knew that fatigue, hunger or stress tended to push him into ‘irrational anger’ territory much quicker.
She sighed. She was trying, but there were still moments, less frequent lately, but still. . .there were moments when she found herself thinking of him and realizing just how well she knew him. But she was getting better at reminding herself that she really didn’t know him now at all.
He’s not the same, she told herself. It’s not the same.
“Oh! Ms. James!
She waved at the front desk, but didn’t slow down. “I’m sorry! I’m running late. I’ll be back down soon to pick up my messages!”
“But-“
She rushed into a closing elevator and pressed the button for her floor. She was so wrapped up in running a list of things that she still needed to do in her head as she exited the elevator, that she wasn’t aware that someone was standing by the door to her hotel suite until she almost bumped into them.
“Oh! I’m sor-“ The apology died on her lips when she saw who it was. “Nathan!”
“Hi,” he said softly.
He looked. . .different. But just in what way, she couldn’t place. He was in jeans and wore a blue T-shirt underneath a denim jacket. He was looking at her with an unreadable expression, but he clearly wasn’t angry. If anything, he seemed the opposite.
“W-what are you doing here?”
“Uh, the front desk said I should wait for you in the lobby but I snuck up here after I got them to tell me your room number.” He shrugged. “I just didn’t feel like sitting around in public like that. It just felt. . .strange.”
She nodded, almost automatically because that seemed an appropriate response but her mind was still trying to process the fact that Nathan was standing there, right outside her hotel suite. There was a certain surreal quality to it all.
“I, uh, I didn’t think you’d mind, I mean-“
“It’s fine,” she said, inserting her card key into the lock. “Do you want to come in? I’m actually uh, it’s good that you’re here. Saves me a trip.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, following her inside. She threw her bag and keys onto the couch and made her way over to the mini-bar to retrieve a bottle of water. “You want some water or anything?” she called back to him.
“No, I’m fine,” he answered.
She grabbed one of the bottled waters and took a big sip. She knew she was buying time. . .gathering her senses. She had planned on going to see him, but that was after she had rehearsed what she needed to say. . .what she needed to do. Rehearse how to act. . .how to react. . .and how to stay in control. She just couldn’t afford to lose control around him anymore.
“You live here?” he asked quietly.
She shrugged. “Not really.” He looked at her and she avoided his eyes. “H-how’d you get here?”
“Lucas dropped me off.” He smiled slightly. “He’s a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t tell me where the car keys were.”
“You aren’t supposed to drive.”
“Doctor’s orders?”
“Something like that,” she mumbled.
He studied her for a few seconds. “Was the accident my fault?”
“What? No. It was just. . .one of those things you know? It had rained and you hit a slick spot and the-“ She stopped abruptly. She hadn’t witnessed his accident, but the police had told her what had happened and ever since, she had had this horrifying image in her mind. Now, every time she thought about his accident, that image would inevitably pop into her head.
“One of those things huh?”
“Fate can be a bitch,” she said without a trace of irony in her voice.
“Yeah,” he mumbled as an awkward silence descended between them. She took another swig from her water bottle. “I’m an ass.”
She nearly choked on a mouthful of water. “W-what?”
“I’m an ass,” he repeated. His expression was completely serious.
“Nathan-“
“And hotheaded, and idiotic and-“
“Stop,” she said softly, holding up a hand. “Please?”
He shook his head. “That, uh. . .fight of ours, it went too far, Haley. Because of me.” He sighed, looking down at the carpet for a beat before he looked up and met her eyes. She saw such remorse emanating from his blue eyes that her traitorous heart lurched.
Control, she told herself. Stay in control.
“All those things I said. . .I was. . .really mad. I didn’t mean to be so. . .” He exhaled deeply. “I shouldn’t have said it. I don’t know anything about our marriage. . .or us. . .or much of anything really so I shouldn’t have called it stupid or belittled it.”
She sucked in a shaky breath. He looked so sad, so deeply troubled by their argument that she felt sympathy well up inside of her. “Nathan. . .”
“It was just. . .I was thrown about us. I mean really thrown.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”
She bit her lip. Hard. Because she could feel the tears forming. And she was tired of crying. She was supposed to be numb! So why was she feeling all these emotions again?
“You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I hurt you,” he said quietly.
“You didn’t.” she denied. “This is just. . .it’s nobody’s fault.”
He looked at her uncertainly. “So, we’re O.K.?”
She wanted to say ‘yes.’ But that would be lying and she couldn’t lie to him anymore. Besides, she was a terrible liar. “We’re uh. . .” She cleared her throat. “It’s. . .fine.”
“Haley-“
“Actually you know what?” she cut in, her words coming out in a rush. “I need to talk to you about something. I was going to come see you in a little while but since you’re here, we can just go ahead.”
“All right,” he said slowly.
She nodded and went over to her bag, where she retrieved the papers she needed. She checked them briefly before she handed them to him. “Could you sign these?”
“What are they?” he asked, riffling through them.
“Papers to revoke your power of attorney.”
“What?” he asked, looking at her in surprise.
“Those papers, after you sign them, will revoke the power of attorney you gave me.”
“I meant. . .why do you want me to sign them?”
“It’s time, don’t you think?” she asked quietly.
“No.”
She sighed. “Well, I mean if you still don’t feel comfortable handling your affairs on your own, then you can also give someone else your power of attorney. I, uh, I talked to Sean and he said he’d be fine with it. He even has the necessary paperwork if that’s what you want.”
“I want you.”
She bit her lip again. If he kept this up, she was going to draw blood very soon. “I can’t.”
“Why?”
Just tell him, she told herself. It shouldn’t be that hard, right? “I, uh, I’m. .leaving. ‘
“Leaving?” he repeated and he scanned the room and she knew that he was finally taking in the suitcases lined along the far wall. “Where?”
“I’m going home,” she said softly.
“Home?”
“Tree Hill.” She forced a smile to her face. “It’s been a while since I’ve been there and seen everyone and I-“
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“If this is about what happened last week-“
“It’s not,” she lied. And she looked away when his questioning eyes sought hers. “I just. . .I, uh, want to get out of this hotel. It’s starting to feel a little too normal living here.”
“You lived in the house with me, didn’t you?” he asked, still seeking to meet her eyes. “Before the accident?”
What did she have to lose here? He knew now. She had thought it would make things easier, and yet, it didn’t. “That’s not important now.”
“Look, if you want, I’ll move out and you can-“
“Nathan, no. You can’t live in a hotel. And where else are you going to go? Besides, I need some. . .I mean I want to go visit Tree Hill for a while.”
He looked down at the papers in his hand for a long while, not saying anything. The silence hung between them heavily. Just when she was sure she couldn’t take another second of it, he said softly,
“You never let me finish that day.”
“Finish?” she asked confused.
He nodded still staring at the papers he held. “When you asked me how I felt about you.”
Don’t go there, that little voice in her head warned. “Nathan we don’t-“
“I said ‘no’ but it’s not that simple, Haley.” He looked up abruptly, catching her off-guard so that she couldn’t look away in time. Their eyes locked. “I said ‘no’ because I don’t know you well enough to love you.”
“Nathan. ..” She winced at the note of pleading she heard in her voice.
“Yet,” he added. “I don’t know you well enough yet.” He ran his hand through his hair. “But I want to.”
She could feel some of her control slipping from her. And she fought to regain it. It took her a while but she did it. “Why? Because I told you we’re engaged so you feel like you need to feel something for me?” She shook her head. “I. . .that was one of the reasons I didn’t. ..one of the reasons I couldn’t tell you. I don’t. . .you don’t owe me anything.”
“That’s not-“
“Look, this is. . .” She stopped, searching for the words she needed to somehow explain things. “It’s nobody’s fault, O.K.? What happened last week, it was. . . .it was inevitable. And in a way, I’m. . .glad ‘cause now it’s. . .it’s out there. And we can move on. . .really take advantage of that second chance I was talking about.”
She could see that he was trying to decide whether to push her. “I do owe you, though. But that’s not why I want to know you.” He smiled slightly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed this but everyone seems to love you.”
“I don’t-“
“Lucas. Sean. All those people at the Kings’ offices. Even Ms. Clark seemed to like you and Lucas and I would swear that she was some kind of emotionless robot.” He smiled. “I mean even the guy at the front desk downstairs seems to like you more than the other guests here. I think he was actually sizing me up, wondering what the hell I wanted with your room number.”
“Ricky?” she murmured.. “He’s not. . .”
“He probably is,” he cut in with a slight smile. “Look, the point is, you seem like this amazing person. And the fact that at one point in my life, I managed to somehow convince you to marry me tells me one thing.” He smiled. “Apparently I did one smart thing in my life.”
“Nathan, that’s-“
“I do want that second chance. I want a chance to get to know you. Again. Ever since I woke up missing a large chunk of my memory, I’ve felt. . .something was missing or, or lost. Like that feeling you get sometimes when you leave the house and you wonder if you left the stove on? But it wasn’t because of the memory loss. That feeling seemed. . .stronger. Like I needed to find it again just like you need to turn around and check to see if the oven really is on.” He sighed. “I mean I keep getting these flashes of. . .memories or something and most of them are of you. There’s a reason for that, don’t you think?”
She wanted to believe at that moment. She wanted to believe so much that it did mean something. But she couldn’t. Her heart just didn’t have the strength, or faith, to fight her head anymore. So her head prevailed. And her head was telling her that she couldn’t afford to believe.
“It’s probably because I’m always around, nagging you,” she said, trying hard to keep her voice light. “Kind of like you dream about what is dominating your life on that day.” He looked at her doubtfully. “You’ll start having flashes of other people soon. You’ll see.”
“That’s not really the point.”
She knew that. But she didn’t know what else to say, so she drank more water.
He watched her for several moments before he sighed. “Look, I’m really sorry about last week. I understand if you’re mad at me and want-“
“Nathan, I’m not mad at you.” She went over and sat down on the couch. “It’s not your fault. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I mean, you can’t help how you feel. Or don’t feel. You can’t help that you. . .don’t remember.”
“But that’s just it. I don’t know how I feel. And I. . .” He stopped and shook his head tiredly. “I just. . .I don’t remember and I want to. But separate from that, I just want to get to know you. If there wasn’t all this. . .stuff between us, I know that you’re the kind of person I’d want to get to know.”
She could feel some of her resolve crumbling and fought against it. Stay in control she reminded herself. But how desperately her heart was crying out for her to let him in. Just a little, it begged. “I. . ..” And then her head unceremoniously and decisively regained control. “I can’t.”
He studied her, as if gauging the strength of her resolve and she fought to keep her face impassive, to show no cracks. He indicated the papers. “What if I don’t sign these?”
“Then you’re going to have some problems,” she returned, her voice light to take away some of the harshness of her words.
“You’d really leave me hanging like that?”
She sighed. Damn it. He didn’t know her and yet, in some ways he did. All too well. “No. But I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t force my hand like that.”
He looked at the papers for several long beats before he finally nodded. “Got a pen?” She got up and retrieved a pen from the desk and handed it to him. He took the pen and then scribbled his signature on the forms. When he was done, he held the papers out to her but when she reached for them, he didn’t let go. She looked at him questioningly. “Why does this feel familiar?”
She gasped softly. Involuntarily. She had told herself not to be affected by these moments anymore. Brief flashes of memory on his part didn’t mean anything she told herself. And yet, it was hard not to react when they popped out of nowhere, especially at that instant, because she had been thinking the same thing.
“I-I. . .don’t know.”
“You’re a terrible liar, did you know that?” he asked with a small smile.
She flinched. “It’s not important.”
“Right.”
“Nathan-“
He cleared his throat. “So. . .I guess, uh, I guess I should get going then. You probably have a lot to do before you leave.”
She nodded. “Thanks for-“ She indicated the papers. “You know.”
“Yeah.” An awkward pause. “Have a, um, safe trip.”
“Thanks.”
He looked at her questioningly. “Will you at least call sometime? Just to, you know, check in. I mean if you don’t want to talk to me then-“
“I’ll call,” she said softly.
He nodded as he gazed at her with an expression she couldn’t quite place. She forced herself to meet his gaze unwaveringly. Finally he offered her a smile and then headed for the door. He was almost out in the hallway when he suddenly paused and half-turned to her. His voice was soft, and yet there was no mistaking the intensity in it. “I really wish I could remember you, Haley.”
And then he was gone and it took every ounce of strength she had not to go running after him.
~*~
The nice thing about a small, yet urban, city like Tree Hill was that despite the changes that an urban area inevitably went through, Tree Hill seemed to stay the same in so many ways.
The homes got new coats of paints, and sometimes the owners added on a deck or a porch, but the houses remained essentially the same. As did their occupants. There were new shops and restaurants, but the ones she had grown up with were still there. That old adage, ‘the more things changed, the more they stayed the same’ really applied to Tree Hill. Past, present and future seemed to co-exist in perfect harmony here.
The last time she had been back here was Christmas. She and Nathan had just gotten engaged the month before, and wanted to break the news to their friends and family. Mostly everyone took the news well, some had even joked about them ‘finally’ getting it right this time. It had been a happy time. How quickly things could change.
One brief instant could change so much.
She pondered this as she sat in Karen’s café, at the same counter, from behind which she had served too many cups of coffee. The café was twice as big now. Karen and Deb had bought out a neighboring store and had knocked down the adjoining wall to expand their kitchen so that they could comfortably accommodate their growing catering business. But essentially the ‘dine-in’ area of the café remained the same. The décor had changed slightly and the books on the shelves had more recent additions, but this was the same place where she had spent so much of her childhood.
It was familiar. . .and comforting.
She had been back in Tree Hill for 3 days now and the. . .sameness of the place. .which sometimes drove her crazy in her youth, was now like a baby blanket that she could just wrap around herself. Her world had undergone some drastic changes in the last few months so to be in a place with so much familiarity was soothing. It was needed.
“Ugh!” Karen Roe exclaimed as she came out of the kitchen. “I swear that new oven is gonna kill the business!” She smiled at Lucas’ mother. Karen didn’t seem to age. If you looked closely enough, you could make out the fine lines around her eyes and lips but she moved with the same effortless grace, her eyes were still friendly yet probing, and her smile as warm as ever. Karen was like a second mother to Haley in a lot of ways, and Haley loved her as much as she did her own mother. “Sorry about that, honey.”
She waved off Karen’s apology. “I remember how crazy things could get in here.”
“Hmmm,” Karen said with a smile as she poured herself a cup of coffee. “You’d think that by hiring more people, Deb and I would have had less work to do but it’s not quite working out that way.”
“You’re just too good at what you do,” Haley said with a grin. “You and Deb are like the Martha Stewarts of North Carolina these days.”
Karen laughed. “One domestic diva in this world is plenty.” Karen smiled wryly. “Besides, Deb and I are probably the last two people to give advice on what makes a good home.”
She chuckled, but it was an uncomfortable chuckle. One born from understanding the true meaning behind Karen’s words. “So where’s Deb today?”
“Charlotte,” Karen answered. “She’s meeting with some clients whose summer barbeque we’re catering next week.”
“People cater their barbeques?” she asked lightly, hoping that the relief that she felt at Deb’s absence wasn’t too noticeable. She got along well with Nathan’s mother and since her return to Tree Hill, Deb had gone out of her way not to bring up Nathan in her presence. But there was an unacknowledged tension between them she just didn’t want to deal with on most days. “Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a barbeque?”
Karen smiled. “We just provide the food. We don’t try to figure it out.”
Both women smiled warmly at each other for several seconds before Karen straightened. “So, um, have you talked to Lucas? He called me last night and said you weren’t answering your cell and you didn’t return his calls.”
She sighed. She had limited her contact with Lucas in the last few days. Inevitably, Nathan would come up during the course of their conversation and she didn’t know how to deal with it. It also made her realize just how intertwined their lives were. She couldn’t get a complete clean break from Nathan even if she wanted to. He was tied to too many people that she loved.
So despite assuring Nathan that she would call to ‘check-in,’ she was opting for avoidance at the moment. How long that tactic would last, she didn’t know but for now, it was working.
“I’m, uh, I. . .” she stumbled over her words.
Karen reached over and squeezed her hand. “I understand.” Karen looked at her concerned. “How are you holding up?”
She was going to go for her standard ‘all right’ answer but she knew Karen would see through it. “I have my moments.”
Karen nodded. “I remember those.”
Sympathy and understanding welled up inside her. “I miss him too.”
Karen smiled sadly. “He was a good man wasn’t he?”
She nodded. “The best.”
They lapsed into silence, each woman lost in her own thoughts for a while. Again, it was Karen who broke the silence. “It gets easier, Haley. Really.”
“Does it?”
“Yes,” Karen said softly. “Someday, you’ll wake up and realize that the past day, your bad moments didn’t outnumber the good ones. Or that when you’re having a bad moment, it didn’t seem to last forever. You realize that you’re breathing without having to tell yourself to breathe. Or that you’re smiling without realizing it.”
“Any idea on when I’ll be getting to that point?” she asked lightly.
Karen smiled and squeezed her hand again. “I don’t know, sweetie. I just know you’ll get there.” Karen looked at her questioningly. “Can I offer you some advice though?” She nodded. “Whatever you’re feeling now, it’ll pass but. . . .but regret. . .regret is something that stays with you for the rest of your life.”
“Karen-“
“I understand how you feel, Haley. I do, really. I just, I don’t want you to feel like I did. . .like I do.” Karen sighed. “Pain you can do something about.And eventually it fades. But regret. . .there’s nothing to do. It’s just. . .it’s there. And you’re too young for that. You’re too young and Nathan’s still here.”
She looked at Karen and could see the deep sadness behind her eyes and felt guilt surge up inside of her. “Oh, God. Karen, I’m sorry. I. . .I can’t believe that I’m trying to equate what I’m going through with Nathan to what you went through with Keith.”
Karen shook her head. “No, don’t. Don’t apologize for how you feel.” Karen looked out the café’s window for a beat.. “And my situation with Keith was really my doing, but yours with Nathan, that was just. . .life happening.”
“You didn’t kill Keith,” she said quietly. “His death was as much of ‘life happening’ as Nathan’s accident.”
“I should have taken a chance with him,” Karen said softly. Haley could hear the regret in her voice and it stabbed at her heart. “Instead I kept putting it off, always finding reasons. . .excuses. . .and then it was too late.”
“I’m sorry,“ she said softly.
Karen laughed self-consciously. “I’m doing a great job of cheering you up here, hmm?”
“You don’t need to.”
Karen looked at her for several long moments before reaching out and embracing her. “Don’t ever regret not taking a chance, Haley.” Karen released her and smiled. “And call that son of mine hmm? He sounded like he really needed to talk to you about something.”
~*~
Her talk with Karen echoed in her head as she stared out at the river rolling by. Since coming back to Tree Hill, she came to the docks at least once a day. She never realized how much she missed this place until the moment she was back and felt that feeling of calmness and peace descend over her.
She had spent a lot of time here. Both she and Nathan had over the years. They had joked about having their wedding here, partly to piss off his father, who had wanted to have a huge affair in Charlotte that was worthy of Nathan’s ‘NBA status.’ And partly because they knew it couldn’t happen. The press would have been impossible to control in such a public place and Nathan had wanted a private ‘intimate’ ceremony. And they would never let the press invade this peaceful haven.
She sighed. No matter what she did, the memories kept at her. Sometimes she didn’t mind. They could be oddly comforting, but other times, they were nothing more than cruel reminders of what she had lost. She stared at the river for several minutes, breathing evenly as she had learned in her yoga class to clear her mind. Finally, she drew in one last deep breath before she reached for her purse to retrieve her cell phone.
She punched in the speed-dial to Lucas’ cell and listened as it connected and began to ring. Just then, a disconcertingly familiar voice materialized behind her.
“Hey.”
Startled, she jerked around too quickly and felt the phone slip through her fingers. Instead of just letting it fall, she instinctively tried to catch it which knocked her even more off-balance and she promptly fell off the stone bench. “Ahhh!” Landing with a dull thud on the ground, she found herself looking up into Nathan’s sheepishly smiling face.
CHAPTER NINE – Irresistible and Immovable
“Are you O.K.?” Nathan asked as he leaned down, reaching for her arm. She ignored his outstretched hand and scrambled away from him. “Haley?”
Apparently her brain had stopped functioning properly because all she was getting were random questions bouncing frantically around her mind and she couldn’t quite focus on any of them. She managed to choke out something odd sounding as she staggered to her feet.
He had retrieved her cell phone and was holding it out to her. She ignored it and focused instead on him. Part of her was wondering if she had finally lost it and was now just hallucinating. But she knew that she hadn’t. He was real. And he was here.
“You. . .wh. . .”
He stared at her, half-amused and half-concerned, as she struggled to regain her control over the English language. But those damn questions were still zooming around her brain. She finally managed to grab a hold of one. “H-How?”
“How?” he repeated confused.
“How did you get here?” she demanded impatiently. Of course the question could have been better phrased, but at the moment she was just thankful she had managed to get a question out.
“Here?” he pointed at some spot near his feet. “Walked.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Oh, you mean in Tree Hill?” he asked with the most infuriatingly innocent smile. “Flew.”
“You flew,” she repeated dumbly. Again the questions bombarded her brain and again, she seized on any that she could. “I. . what. . .who. . .”
“Which question do you want me to answer first?” He smiled sweetly when she glared at him. “I’m not sure what you mean by ‘what’ so I’ll pass on that. As for who, I came out with Lucas.”
“Lucas?”
He nodded. “Tall, blond, squinty blue eyes?”
“I know who Lucas is!” she retorted impatiently. She looked at him questioningly. “Lucas brought you here?”
“He came with me,” he corrected.
“What are you doing here?”
“Haven’t we had this conversation before?” he asked, smiling.
“We probably did,” she retorted. “Because you keep. . . .you’re. . .”
He cocked an eyebrow questioningly. “I keep what?”
“Surprising me!” she blew out. “And sneaking up on me!”
“I’ve only snuck up on you once that I can recall, if you count this as sneaking up.”
Somewhere, in the back of her mind, where things apparently still functioned rationally, she was well-aware of the absurdness of her conversation with Nathan and them ‘debating’ the finer points of what actually was ‘sneaking up’ on someone. She inhaled, held the breath for a few beats, and then slowly expelled it. She willed herself to calm down and think, but questions were still whizzing through her head and her heart continued slamming against her chest loudly.
“What are you doing here?” she repeated.
He shrugged slightly and moved towards the stone bench to sit down. “I’m visiting.”
“Who?”
He looked at her amused. “Why do I have to have a person to visit? Can’t I just want to visit my childhood home?”
“That’s all you’re doing?” she asked, not bothering to mask the tone of suspicion in her voice.
“Sure,” he said, and flashed her that innocent smile.
“You being here has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I told you I was coming here?”
He smirked. That endearingly maddening smirk of his. In the back of her mind, she realized that she hadn’t seen him smirk since his accident and she felt strangely happy to see yet another ‘old’ characteristic of his come through. But she was too thrown off-balance, too annoyed and too on edge at the moment to truly appreciate it.
“Wow,” he said with a slight shake of his head. “I didn’t realize you had such an ego on you.”
“I. . .w-what!” she sputtered.
He grinned, obviously liking the effect he was having on her. “You’d think I’d follow you all the way across the country especially after you had shot me down in no uncertain terms?” Again, that smirk of his appeared. “That I’d come chasing after you? Follow you anywhere and everywhere you went?”
When he put it like that, it did sound oddly egotistical of her. “It’s. . .”
He seemed to be contemplating the river because he was staring off at some distant point. And then he smiled, the kind of smile that always had the effect of causing her heart to jump and her gut to start twisting and turning itself into knots. “You could be right.”
She stared at him, pretty sure her mouth was agape. “W-what?”
His eyes locked with hers and she felt drawn to the energy that emanated from their clear, blue depths. “If I said I came after you, what would you say?”
“Uh. . .”
“That’s what I thought.” He cocked his head in an exaggerated gesture of contemplation. “Did you know I’m not from Sacramento? Only lived there for over 2 years?” He smiled. “Of course you do. What am I thinking? I’m the one who doesn’t remember.”
He looked around. “Turns out I’m from here. Good old Tree Hill.” He looked back at her. “You know what occurred to me recently?” She shook her head warily. “That if I want to remember. . .to make sense of those ‘flashes’ I keep getting. . .then maybe the best place to do so would be where I got most of those memories.”
“Tree Hill?”
He nodded. “You gave me the idea actually.”
“I gave you the idea to come here?”
His eyes crinkled in amusement at the incredulous tone of her voice. “Yep. When you were talking about heading back here to see people. . .places. . .about going home, I realized that I needed to go home too. And Sacramento, nice as it is, isn’t home.”
“Tree Hill isn’t exactly your home,” she protested almost automatically. All that was going through her brain right then was that she needed him away. Back in California. Him being here is a bad idea, her head told her.
“Really?” he asked. “Huh. That’s odd.”
“What?”
“We were engaged right?”
“Yes, but-“
“So how come you still consider this home? I thought engaged couples lived in the same places. . .and considered the same places home.”
She sighed. Damn it. She was completely unprepared to deal with Nathan right now. “I just. . . .you never said anything about visiting before.”
He shrugged. “Never felt like it before.”
“Before what?”
“Before now,” he replied with a grin. “Speaking of which, you held out on me, Haley.”
“I held out on you?”
He nodded. “You never told me I owned a beach house here. A very cool, kick-ass beach house.” She opened her mouth to respond but he held up a hand to stop her. “I know, I know. I never asked.” He grinned. “I’m starting to get our compromise now. If I don’t ask, you don’t tell right?”
“Nathan-“
“Speaking of,” he continued. “Is that compromise still in effect?”
“It. . .” The way he was bouncing from topic to topic was throwing her completely. And she was already feeling off-balance.
“Well before you can decide on how to get out of it,” he said casually. “Let me ask you something. Were we friends?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I mean before we, uh, hooked up, were we friends? Or did we take one look at each other across a crowded school hallway and just fall madly in love with each other?”
She couldn’t help smiling. “No.”
“No?” He looked surprised by her answer. “No, we weren’t friends?”
“No, I mean we didn’t look across a crowded hallway and fall madly in love.”
His eyes flickered mischievously. “Are you sure? I think I’d be the type of guy girls fall madly in love with at first sight.” He gave her a once over that made her suddenly feel very, very warm. “And you’re certainly the type of girl a guy could fall for with just one look.”
“You’d think so,” she murmured, feeling the heat creep up her cheeks. She was dimly aware that Nathan was charming her right now. Quite effectively. Too effectively and thus, she should be fighting it. But he was making it too easy to just go along with it.
He grinned. “So we were friends first?”
“Yes.”
“And I’m assuming we stayed friends after the uh, divorce?”
She sighed. “After some time passed, yes.”
“And we were friends before we got engaged right?”
“Nathan, what-“
“I’m just trying to. . .” His voice trailed off as he stared out at the river. Moments passed as neither said anything. She turned to look out at the river as well, not knowing what to say or do. She had no idea how to handle his sudden appearance here in Tree Hill.
“You were right,” he said suddenly, breaking the silence. She looked over at him and all traces of teasing and humor were gone. He was dead serious now.
“I was?”
He nodded. “This. . .situation. . .it’s nobody’s fault.” He looked at her fixedly. “So, how come it feels like we’re both being punished for it?”
“Nathan. . .”
He sighed. “Look, I get that this is hard for you, Haley. I mean I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you to look at me and see. . .what?” He shook his head. “But it’s hard for me too and-“
“I know,” she cut in gently. “That’s why I think it’s better if we just, you know, spent time apart right now,”
“No,” he countered firmly. “No. I don’t think we should. It’s just making a bad situation even more miserable. What’s the point in that?” He stood up and took a few steps toward her, closing some distance between them. She knew she should back up a little, but she couldn’t. It was like she was rooted to the spot. “I’m sick of it. Sick of being frustrated. Sick of this dark. . .depressing feeling that comes over me at times. Sick of wondering and. . .waiting. I’m sick of waiting Hales.”
“Waiting?”
He nodded. “For my memories to come back.” He drew in a deep breath. “So I’m gonna do something about it. I’m gonna get those memories back.”
She sighed. Part of her felt heartened to know that he was going to actively seek out his memories. And yet, another part of her felt as if that were just going to lead to more heartache. “Nathan. . .it’s. . . .what if you can’t remember?”
“Then I won’t be any worse off than I am now,” he said softly. “I’ve lost 15 years. . .I’m not about to lose another second. So starting right now, I’m on a quest. I’m gonna get my life back.” Again he looked at her in that way that seemed to render her speechless. “And since my life was evidently with you before the accident happened, that’s where I’m going to start.”
“Nathan-“
He held up his hand. “Don’t worry. I’m not saying we should just pick up where we started. I know it’s not that simple and that you want us to move forward. But moving forward doesn’t mean I have to leave the past behind.”
“It’s. . .you can’t. . .”
He looked at her gently. “Like I said, I get that this is hard for you Haley and you know, the last thing I’d want to do is hurt you on purpose right?” He paused, waiting for her answer but she couldn’t articulate any. “And I get that I’m being incredibly selfish by doing this because it might make things harder for you but. . .” He sighed. “I just. . .I can’t lose any more time.”
He smiled. “I’ll understand if you want to take off again but. . .it seems like our lives are uh,. . .tangled together wouldn’t you say?”
“I guess,” she mumbled, not knowing what else to say. She hadn’t seen Nathan like this since his accident. He was so. . .focused. . .determined.
“No matter where we each are, doesn’t it seem like eventually we end up together?” he mused. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and tried to say something, anything, to discourage him but nothing came to mind. He looked around. “Looks like we’re back at the beginning huh?”
She could only continue to stare at him, her mind failing her completely in that moment.
He smiled and she could have sworn she saw that familiar cocky confidence of his shining from his eyes. “I’ll also understand if you want to avoid me, but you know, Tree Hill is still a small town and well, friends are likely to run into each other now and again.” He closed the distance between them and she felt her breathing grow shallow as her heart rate soared.
She watched, mesmerized, as he reached out and took her hand. He held her hand for a beat and she was acutely aware of how small her hand felt in his big, warm one. Slowly, he turned her hand over, so that his thumb was resting in her palm. His thumb ran down the length of her palm and in reaction, she felt a tingle run down her spine. She inhaled deeply.
He placed her cell phone into her open palm and then closed her fingers around it. He bent down to whisper near her ear,
“I’ll see you around.”
With one last smile, he released her hand and then unhurriedly walked away. All she could do was watch, and hope that the tingling along her spine would subside soon.
You are in very serious trouble, her head warned her.
~*~
She knocked on the door impatiently. Since when did people start locking their doors in Tree Hill?
After the third succession of quick raps against the wooden frame, the door was finally pulled open. Lucas took a second to process her presence before he smiled. “Hey Haley.”
“Don’t you ‘Hey Haley’ me Lucas Roe Scott!”
Lucas winced. “Seen Nathan?”
“You’re damn right I did! What the hell were you thinking bringing him here Luke? Do the words ‘time apart’ have a different meaning in your universe than it does in mine? Are you just plain crazy? Or do you get some sort of sick enjoyment from all of this? ‘Cause I really can’t-”
Lucas held his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Hales, Hales. . .please.”
“How could you bring him here?!”
Lucas indicated for her to back up so that he could step outside. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the steps of the porch. She made no move to join him, instead walking down the steps so that she was back on the sidewalk, and glaring at him from at almost eye level.
“Just to let you know, people can see us from here,” Lucas said teasingly. “So if you decide to kill me, there’s going to be plenty of witnesses.”
“This is not funny, Lucas!”
Lucas sighed. “Sorry.”
“About?” she prompted. “Bringing Nathan here or not telling me?”
“Both?” he ventured cautiously. She continued to glare at him and he expelled a slow breath. “Look, Hales, I didn’t bring Nathan here, OK? I just. . .came with him. And I did try to tell you. But you were doing the avoidance thing and weren’t returning my calls.”
She sighed. He did have a point there. She had been avoiding his calls. And Karen had had to ‘prod’ her into contacting Lucas before she had actually attempted to do so. “You couldn’t have just left a message saying you were headed this way?”
“Would you have bolted if I had?”
“No, I-“ She stopped abruptly at the look of disbelief that Lucas was giving her. “O.K. Maybe I would have but I did tell you I wanted some time apart from Nathan. I mean is that too much to ask for?”
“No,” he conceded. “But why Hales? I mean clearly, the last few days have been miserable for you.”
“That’s not true,” she denied.
“It’s not?” he challenged. She looked away. “If it’s any consolation, Nathan hasn’t exactly been Mr. Sunshine either.”
“Could have fooled me,” she replied. “He was pretty. . .chipper when he found me at the docks. “ She looked at him knowingly. “Should I yell at you for telling him about my favorite place too?”
Lucas smiled. “No, that would be my mom.”
“Karen?” she asked, surprised.
He nodded. “We apparently missed running into you at the cafe earlier. Anyway, my mom was all over Nathan with the whole motherly act and when he asked where you were, she mentioned the docks.”
“Ugh!” she exclaimed softly. “It’s like a conspiracy! Why does everyone want me with Nathan?” She exhaled tiredly. “Does anyone not get the fact that it’s hard? I mean he’s like a walking, talking reminder of everything I’ve. . .we’ve lost! And now everyone wants me to just rush right back into it? Risk getting my heart shattered all over again?”
“Hales,” Lucas said gently, as he reached out and pulled her towards him. She gave in and settled onto the step next to him. “No one wants you to get hurt. But we don’t want you so miserable either. You or Nathan.” Lucas shook his head. “God. Between the two of you, it’s a wonder I haven’t joined Prozac Nation.”
“I don’t want to be like this either but it’s. . . .” She sighed, feeling the anger dissipate. She hadn’t even been angry. . .just overwhelmed. Which should be a familiar feeling for her by now considering how often she felt that way. “Did he tell you what happened when he came to see me at the hotel before I left?”
He shrugged. “Not really.”
“He wants to get to know me. Again.”
“And?” Lucas prompted gently.
“And I said I couldn’t.”
“Couldn’t? Or won’t?”
She sighed. “Both.”
Lucas didn’t respond, only staring thoughtfully out the street of his childhood home. Despite her success, Karen hadn’t moved into the wealthier part of Tree Hill. Instead, she had chosen to renovate the home that she had raised Lucas in. She welcomed the silence between them and let her thoughts drift. It was easier than to focus on them because they only confused her.
"You should let him, Hales,” Lucas said quietly, interrupting the comfortable silence between them.
“I should what?”
“Let Nathan get to know you again.” Lucas turned to her. “That way you can get to know him again too.”
“I already know him, Luke. That’s the problem.”
Lucas shook his head. “You don’t, Hales. I mean, yeah, he’s the same in some ways, but in others, he’s not. You don’t know him as well as you think.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He paused, as if gathering his thoughts before he responded. “Have you ever thought that maybe Nathan’s memory loss is a good thing in a way?”
She scoffed. “You cannot be serious Luke!”
“I am,” Lucas insisted. “Think about it Hales. I mean yes, he lost memories of you and how in love you both were. He lost memories of all the good times you guys had.” He paused and looked out towards the street. “But he also lost memories of how painful your divorce was. He lost years of memories of Dan mercilessly browbeating him about basketball. . .and me. He lost memories of how. . .ugly. ..things were between Dan, Keith, Deb and my mom. He doesn’t remember how we were all unwillingly dragged into that. . .and how bad things got before they started getting better. And he doesn’t have memories of losing people.” Lucas sighed. “Honestly? I wouldn’t mind having a few memories wiped out.”
“Luke. . .”
“I’m not trying to make light of it,” he continued. “But see the thing about memories? They’re a double-edged sword. You get the good but there’s also the bad. And you can’t decide which memories you get to keep and which ones you don’t. You get it all.”
Now it was her turn to stare at the street. Lucas did have a point. But what was she supposed to do with that?
“You know what else memories do?” Lucas asked, his voice sounding pensive. “They affect your behavior without you even realizing it.” Lucas looked at her. “That old saying ‘forgive and forget’? No one ever tells you it’s not forgiving that’s hard. It’s forgetting about it. ‘Cause no matter how much you don’t want to, you remember.”
She looked at her best friend for a beat, understanding dawning. “Is this about Peyton?” she asked gently.
“Hmmm,” Lucas murmured. “I guess it is, in a way.”
“Luke. . .”
“It’s weird, “ he said softly, his voice still pensive. “We tried to give it another shot. I mean we honestly did, but we had those memories you know? We couldn’t really forget and then it started to affect how we acted towards each other. I don’t think we ever really trusted each other. And Peyton couldn’t really let go of the guilt. . .even though Brooke was fine with us.” Lucas looked at her. “The memory of the three of us was always there. . .always between us.”
She sighed. Lucas was right. When he and Peyton finally got together in their senior year, they had been happy at first, but the memories of what had happened between the three of them had slowly, but steadily, invaded their relationship and in the end, doomed it. Peyton and Brooke had also never really repaired their friendship either, since both girls always wondered, in the back of their minds, if their new boyfriend or crush was going to be safe from the other.
“Look Hales,” Lucas said. “You get a clean slate with Nathan. He wants to get to know you. Why not let him? That way, you can get to know him too. Maybe in the process you can rebuild some of those memories you lost. . .the good ones. And you don’t have to worry about the bad memories. . .tainting things.” He met her eyes. “Not many people get that kind of second chance.”
“I mean clearly, you’re miserable being away from him,” he continued. “And the only time I’ve seen him perk up in the past few days was when Sean confirmed our flights here.” He smiled. ”Why not, Hales?”
She sighed. “I just. . .I’m scared, Luke. I don’t think I can risk it.”
“Can you afford not to?” he asked her gently.
She looked back out at the quiet street. Dare she take a chance? She didn’t want to live with any regret. But could she risk her heart again? If she let Nathan get to know her and he decided that he really didn’t love her, could she survive that? She just didn’t know what would be worse. A permanently broken heart. . .or a lifetime of regret.
Lucas leaned over and gently bumped his shoulder against hers. “So, you planning on leaving again?”
She shook her head. She liked it here. The familiarity was comforting. This was home. Besides, Nathan was right. Somehow, they did eventually end up in the same place together. She still didn’t know what to do but she knew that she just couldn’t keep running from things.
“I’m sorry about the, uh, surprise,” Lucas said softly. “I did try and warn you though.”
“I know,” she said with a smile. “But next time, leave a message. That’s what voicemail is for.”
“You know Nathan is really determined about. . .well, getting his memories back and getting to know you right?” She nodded. Of that she had no doubt. “Are you gonna just keep fighting him on that?”
“I don’t know, Luke,” she said with a soft sigh. “I just. . .I don’t know.”
He nodded and once again, they lapsed into silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly, Lucas chuckled.
“What?” she demanded, turning to him.
He shrugged. “I was just thinking. . .the only person I know who is as stubborn, if not more stubborn than you are, is Nathan. The two of you have always been like an irresistible force meets an immovable object.” He grinned. “Should be interesting how this plays out.”
