By Kate
CHAPTER THIRTEEN – Where Does A Circle Begin?
Waking up was painful.
That was the first thought that Haley had as consciousness mercilessly jabbed at her. Everything was painful. The light. Her breathing. The pillow she was haphazardly lying on. The way the inside of her mouth felt. . .like she had slept with a mouthful of cotton. Moving. Even thinking was painful.
But what was most painful of all was that. . .noise. She could only describe it as a screech. A loud, irritating, headache-inducing screech. It felt as if it were right next to her ear, but she knew it was further away. It came and went. . ..start and stop. On. . .then off.
What the hell was that?
She hesitantly opened her eyes and shut them immediately against the bright sunlight. She groaned. Why was it so bright in here?
The noise came back again and she helplessly covered her ears against it.
Please go away, she thought. After a few seconds, the noise seemingly obeyed her. She sighed softly and once more, opened her eyes, forcing them to stay open against the bright onslaught of the day.
A few painful seconds later, and her eyes adjusted to the room. She was confused to find herself looking out at the picturesque beach. Her mind felt like it was moving in slow motion because it took her another few seconds to realize that she was looking out the large, floor-to-ceiling windows in the beach house’s living room.
Why am I in the living room? she wondered, looking around in confusion. Before she could ponder it any further, the noise came back and once again, the painful jabbing sensation in her head took over.
She moaned in protest and slowly sat up. Just as she did so, the noise stopped. She blinked several times against the light and ran her hand through her hair. . .which felt dry and sandy. She looked down at the white shirt she was wearing in confusion. The shirt was vaguely familiar to her. . .but she knew that it didn’t belong to her. It certainly wasn’t her normal sleep attire.
Living room. Not my clothes. She closed her eyes, waiting for the recollection of events to hit her. But nothing came.
The noise, however, did. She groaned, pressing her hands against her ears and willed herself to get up. She looked around, trying to find the source and gauged that it was coming from the direction of the kitchen.
O.K. Kill that noise first. Figure everything out second.
She stumbled to her feet and headed towards the direction of the kitchen, which was set off to the left of the living room. She took a few wobbly steps, wondering hazily if the room was really spinning. She almost made it to the steps leading up from the sunken living room when an intense wave of nausea overtook her and she spun on her heels and ran for the guest bathroom just down the hall.
She made it just in time. Once she had emptied the contents of her churning stomach into the toilet, she stumbled to the sink and rinsed out her mouth. She groaned and splashed some water on her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror above the sink.
It was not a pretty sight. Her hair was a tangled mess. Her eyes were bleary and red. And her face still held the imprints from the couch’s pillows. She whined softly. What the hell did I do last night? She splashed some more water on her face. . .hoping to add a bit of color to it and then tried as best as she could to finger comb her hair into something other than a rat’s nest. Her efforts helped, but only in the sense of making her look less like death warmed over.
She drew in a deep, steadying breath and then headed back out towards the kitchen. She hadn’t heard the screeching noise since she had bolted for the bathroom, which was a good thing because her head was fully throbbing now.
Walking slowly into the kitchen, she spotted Nathan instantly. He was standing behind the counter. . .and he was the cause of that horrific screeching. He was mixing something in a blender and just as she walked in, he turned it on. . .causing her to yelp in protest as the noise hit her aching head full force.
“Loud!”
He turned towards her, startled, and quickly shut of the blender. “Whoa! Haley. Hey. I didn’t know you were up.”
Groaning, she made her way towards the stools lining the counter. “With the racket you’re making? You could wake the dead.”
He smiled. “Not feeling well hmmm?”
She shot him an irritated look before she climbed onto the stool. She gingerly laid her throbbing head onto her arms on top of the counter. “I hate cheery morning people.”
He chuckled. “Says the person who gets up at 6 am without fail.”
“I’m not cheery about it.”
“Not today you’re not,” he agreed. “But then, you weren’t up at 6 today either.”
She uttered something that sounded like a cross between a grunt and a groan, but didn’t look up at him. Nathan didn’t say anything for several seconds but then a dull thud next to her head caused her to sit up quickly, which only made the throbbing in her head worse. She stared at the tall glass containing some reddish liquid. Two white pills were sitting next to the glass. She looked at him questioningly. “Two Tylenols and tomato juice.”
She groaned as her stomach lurched rebelliously at the mere thought of having something put into it. She laid her head back down on her arms. “I. . .can’t.”
“Haley?” She ignored him, closing her eyes. All she wanted to do now was to fall back asleep. “Haley.”
Rap! Rap!
She jerked her head up with a whine of protest. “Don’t!”
He looked at her, unperturbed, his hand still curled into a fist and laying against the counter, and looking as if it were ready to start knocking against it again if she were to put her head back down. “Just drink it.”
“You drink it.” She was well aware that she was acting like a petulant child but she didn’t care.
“I’m not the one with a hangover,” he returned easily, as he pulled the blender from its power station and poured himself a glass of what she recognized was a protein shake. He had started drinking them again.
She felt her stomach flip violently at the sight of the thick liquid Nathan was sipping. “Oh God.”
“The sooner you drink that, the sooner you’ll feel better. You need to rehydrate yourself and the tomato juice also has the nutrients you need. And the Tylenol will help with the headache.”
“How do you know about what helps with hangovers?” she challenged. “Do you even remember what a hangover feels like?”
“I’m guessing it’s like how you look right now.”
She pouted. “You’re mean.”
He smiled and moved so that he was standing in front of her, with only the counter separating them. He picked up the glass in one hand and the pills in the other and held them out to her. “Come on. Bottoms up.”
She whimpered but took the glass and pills from him. She popped the pills in her mouth and then downed the tomato juice, which seemed to taste extra sour. “Ugh.”
“Good girl,” he said approvingly.
She mumbled something incoherent as she laid her head down on her arms again. The throbbing in her head was as intense as ever, but consciousness was slowly taking over and last night was coming back to her. But only in bits and pieces.
Nathan’s birthday. Dinner with his family. The predictable family dysfunction. Nathan being upset about not being able to remember so much. Their ‘escape.’
Then things started to get hazy. She remembered the beach and the fire. The cupcakes she had gotten from Karen. The champagne. She groaned softly as her head continued to throb. Of course she remembered the champagne. . .that and her drinking it like it was water. She closed her eyes, hoping it would make the events of last night clearer. It didn’t.
There was some vague memory of her falling into the freezing ocean water. Getting out of her wet clothes. Kissing Nathan. Making out with Nathan on the sand.
Her eyes popped open as images of her nakedly sprawled across Nathan and their frantic, passionate kissing played in her still not-100%-clear head. She shifted slightly, trying not to move her head too much and looked down at what she was wearing.
Oh, yeah. No wonder the shirt seemed familiar. It was Nathan’s. And she was pretty sure she was naked underneath it. And she had woken up in the living room. . .not her own bed. The living room, which happened to lead right out onto the beach. She racked her brain trying to piece last night together but it was hopeless. Her recollection had gaping holes that she just couldn’t fill no matter how hard she tried.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Did I? Did we? As her thoughts began to run away from her, she could feel real panic settling in. What was she supposed to do now? She wasn’t even sure that she and Nathan had. . . .but if they had, now what? She groaned, but this time it wasn’t from her hangover.
“The Tylenol hasn’t kicked in yet huh?” he asked.
If she had a choice, she would have liked to have been able to disappear right then and there. Or if a hole were to open up right in the middle of the floor just then, she would have gladly thrown herself into it. But seeing as neither of those options was realistic, she forced herself to sit up and face him.
He was looking at her in concern. He didn’t seem at all hung-over, but then, if her patchy recollection was accurate, she had done most of the drinking last night. She didn’t really recall him drinking at all. She tried to search his features. . .his body language. . .for any clues but didn’t find any. But what was she supposed to find? Him wearing a sign declaring that they had slept together last night?
Still, she looked. He wasn’t acting like anything. ..significant. . .had happened last night. Surely he would be. .. different. . .if they had slept together? Then again, would he really? He didn’t remember her, and he wasn’t in love with her, so if they had, it may well have been just sex and nothing else. And in that case, he probably wouldn’t be acting any differently. She sighed, not liking that line of thought.
“Champagne doesn’t agree with you,” he said with a teasing smile.
“I usually don’t drink,” she said quietly, trying to figure out how she was going to ask him about last night, short of telling him she had forgotten. If they had slept together, it was going to be beyond awkward for her to admit that she didn’t remember it at all.
Oh, God. What the hell have I gotten myself into?
“I can tell,” he replied with a smile. He swallowed the last of his protein shake and moving towards the sink to rinse out his glass before he placed it in the dishwasher.
“Um. . .you know, it’s really, uh, bright in here. Really bright in the living room too. It was a pain waking up in there.”
“I’ll bet,” he murmured.
She sighed softly. O.K. Clearly that was too subtle. She looked down at what she was wearing and tugged the collar gently. “This is your shirt.”
He looked at her, brows furrowed in confusion at her statement. “Yeah.”
She fought the urge to scream in frustration. This subtle approach left a lot to be desired. “Why am I wearing your shirt?”
His eyes narrowed but his expression remained unreadable. “You needed it.”
She tried not to look irritated. “Why?”
“Your clothes were wet.” He looked at her seriously. “Speaking of, I hope you didn’t really like that dress. . .between the water and the sand, it’s pretty much ruined.”
She shook her head, trying to focus but the hangover was making it hard. Well, she remembered the water and taking off her dress. . .but she didn’t remember putting on his shirt instead. In fact, she distinctly recalled tying a blanket around herself. She looked at him. He returned her look with a level one of his own.
She sighed. It was clear that he had caught on to what she was trying, very unsuccessfully, to do. “Last night. . .”
“Yes?” he prompted.
She drew in a deep breath. Just out with it. “Did we. . . .um. . .”
“Haley?” he asked gently.
“What?”
“You don’t remember what happened last night do you?”
She sighed. Accident or no accident, Nathan had always had this innate ability to ‘read’ people. Why she thought that she could fool him into telling her what had happened last night was beyond her. Honesty had always been the best approach with Nathan. His highly tuned BS-detecting radar made anything else nearly impossible. “I, um. . .remember. . .bits and pieces.”
To her surprise and annoyance, he chuckled. She let her irritation creep into her voice. “What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” he said with a shrug. “It’s just. . .” He stopped and shook his head. “I was just, uh, admiring the irony of the situation.”
Of all the words that she could think of to describe this situation, ‘admire’ was certainly not one of them. “What are you talking about?”
“Ever since I woke up from the coma, I’ve been the one who can’t remember things. Who has to rely on ‘bits and pieces’. . .if that.” He looked at her and smiled wryly. “And now? Now, oddly, I’m the one who remembers things. Instead of me asking you what happened, you’re asking me. It’s. . .weird.”
He had a point. And if she weren’t hung-over and half-panicked, she’d probably have a good chuckle at the irony of it all, but she was hung-over and her half-panic state was quickly approaching full-on freaking out. So she didn’t have the time or energy to appreciate any ironies. She just wanted answers.
“So. . .last night. . .” she began. She cleared her throat nervously. “Did, um. . .did. . .” It was funny how a question could become harder to ask the more you had invested in the answer. “Uh, you and I. . .we. . .”
“We didn’t.”
She looked at him, startled. “We-what?”
“We didn’t.” He looked at her intently and she understood.
She expelled the breath that she hadn’t been aware that she was holding. She knew she should have been relieved at his answer, but what she was feeling was confusion. His answer just didn’t. . .fit. . .with what she was recalling. “We didn’t?” He shook his head. “B-but. . .the beach. . .and we were kissing and. . .m-my clothes. . .I’m not wearing, I-I mean I’m wearing your shirt. . .from last night and I didn’t make it to my room which means-“
“Haley,” he cut in gently.
“I-I’m sorry,” she stammered. “It’s just. . .I remember us. . .” She stopped and cleared her throat as images of the two of them locked in a passionately intimate embrace danced through her head. “We were-“
“Haley,” he cut her off again. He sighed. “If I can, uh, use a crude metaphor from when I was a kid, you and I were, uh, rounding third and headed for home shall we say? We just didn’t. . .make it to home plate.”
As crude as the metaphor may be, it was very effective. It certainly explained her recollections of last night. She and Nathan, from what she could recall, were definitely ‘headed for home.’ So, what happened? Her head still aching, she no longer had the energy or will to try and figure things out for herself. Nathan seemed willing to tell her, and all she had to do was ask him straight out. So she did.
*****Flashback*****
This is incredible.
That was what his body was telling him. And the voice in his head, long silenced, could only agree.
Somehow, they had managed to end up on the blanket. . .partially at least. Haley was on top of him and alternately kissing and licking the pulsing vein in his neck. She was driving him crazy. One of her hands was working their way slowly down his chest. . .heading for the button and zipper of his pants.
He moaned and pulled her head up to capture her lips in a hot, seering kiss. . .tangling his tongue with his own. He shifted, pushing her off of him and rolled over on her. His hand found her breast and cupped it, gently needing the warm flesh. He felt her shudder beneath him and that sent another jolt of desire through him.
She arched her back, pushing herself further into him as one arm snaked around his neck and pulled him closer. She trailed her tongue against his bottom lip before she drew it into her mouth and sucked, causing the aching below his waist to grow even more unbearable. He shifted again, reluctantly breaking their kiss, so that he could get rid of his pants, which felt all too constricting at the moment. She eagerly moved to help him get rid of the garment.
“Nathan,” she breathed.
He stopped suddenly. She was looking at him, her face flushed with desire. But that wasn’t what had stopped him dead in his tracks. It was the gentle pleading he had heard in her voice. That and the open vulnerability in her eyes.
This is wrong.
He swallowed, panting softly as he tried to figure out what was going on. What was this? His seemingly out-of-control desire had suddenly been replaced by. . .something else. Something that made him slowly lift himself off of her.
“Nathan?” she asked, confused.
He pushed himself into a kneeling position. “Haley, I. . “
“What?”
He looked around and found his discarded shirt. He picked it up and handed to her. She made no move to take it. Instead, she sat up, completely naked, and looked at him questioningly. The sight of her naked, in front of the still burning fire, made him realize that the desire he felt for her hadn’t been extinguished. . .it had only been superseded by another emotion. And the two conflicting with each other was more than he could bear.
He moved over to her and gently placed the shirt around her shoulders. She looked at him for a beat before she placed her arms through the sleeves and began to button the shirt up. When she was done, she looked back up at him and he was unprepared for the hurt confusion he saw in her eyes.
“Haley-“
“It’s O.K.,” she said, sounding as if it weren’t ‘O.K.’ at all. “I shouldn’t-“
“No,” he cut in firmly. “You don’t understand.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I do. You. . .don’t want me. I. . .” Her voice faltered and she looked away.
“I don’t want you?” he repeated, incredulous. “Do you realize that I’m about a millisecond away from throwing myself into the freezing water ‘cause my body is still on fire from. . .” He made a vague gesture towards the rumpled blanket. “That’s how much I do want you.”
“Then. . .why. . .”
He sighed. “Because it doesn’t feel right.”
‘What?”
He got up, moving away from the heat of the fire. As the cool breeze whipped at his naked chest, he felt some of the raging desire inside of him slowly ebb away. Not much, but at least the ache was lessening. “I just. . .this is. . .wrong. I mean it’s great. . .and you’re. . .beautiful and just now. . .it was incredible and I couldn’t want you more if I tried but this just. . .it doesn’t feel right.” She said nothing, but he could see the confusion in her eyes. “You’re just. . .I can’t take advantage of you like this.”
“You’re not,” she denied. “I said-“
“No regrets,” he cut in softly. He smiled. “I actually believe you. The thing is, you may not have any regrets, but. . .I would.” Her face fell and he realized she had misunderstood. “I don’t mean about that. I wouldn’t regret being with you. . .it’s just. . .I would regret how it came about.” He sighed and knelt back down in front of her. “You’re drunk. And this whole night. . .it’s been crazy with. . .and this is just pretend. We could pretend that it’s just for tonight but tomorrow. . .we can’t pretend tomorrow.” He shook his head. “These aren’t the right circumstances. And things are already so. . .complicated between us. We don’t need to make it more complicated.”
“It’s-“
“And I don’t want our first time. . .I mean you know the first time for us after. . .everything to be like this.” He shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m actually saying this. I could actually be the stupidest guy alive right now but. . .I mean with you and how amazing everything was just now. . .but. . .it’s. . .it just doesn’t feel right. I’m sorry.”
She looked down at her hands for several beats before she nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah,” she replied, still looking down at her hands. ‘It’s O.K. You’re. . .you’re right. We shouldn’t have. . .done this. And. . .” She stopped and groaned slightly. “And I think I’m going to be sick.”
*****End Flashback*****
“. . . .and after you stopped feeling nauseous, I helped you inside the house where you collapsed on the sofa in the living room. I went back out to put out the fire and get our things and when I came back in, you were fast asleep and I didn’t want to wake you so. . .”
She nodded, to show that she had followed along. His recollection of last night made sense. . .all the pieces added up. But she wasn’t sure how to react to it all. The hang over was dulling her senses and her ability to think clearly. She did, however, understand what Nathan had done for her. . .for them. . .last night.
“Oh,” she managed to get out, not knowing what else to say.
“Just ‘oh’?” he queried.
“I’m just. . .” She sighed.
“Upset? Angry? Hurt?”
She looked at him questioningly. “Why would you think I’d be any of those things?”
He shrugged. “You didn’t seem too happy about things last night and-“
“I was drunk,” she said softly. “I’m not upset or mad or anything. I’m just.. .this is just a little. . .awkward.”
“Imagine how awkward it would be if we had.” She looked up at him, but he had looked away. He was right though. As uncomfortable as this was right now, if Nathan hadn’t stopped things last night, she had a feeling things would have been exponentially more uncomfortable right now. He sighed and came around the counter, sitting down on the stool next to hers. “Look, Haley, nothing’s changed for me. Not really.”
“Nothing’s changed?” she asked doubtfully.
“Not for me,” he answered. “I came here to get to know you Haley. To try and get my life back. To get some memories back. And that’s still true. Last night. . .we just. ..skipped some steps along the way.”
“Skipped some steps along the way?”
He sighed. “I’m not doing this too well am I?”
She smiled. “Actually you’re doing better than I am. . .or would.”
“Look, I still want to get to know you. This past week with us living together here. . .it’s been great. And I’m not gonna pretend that we. . .or at least I. . .haven’t wanted to kiss you. I’m attracted to you. I think that’s pretty clear, I just. . .want to take it a little slower. I don’t want to jump into anything because I don’t want to miss out on anything else.” He looked at her. “But at the same time, I don’t want us to go back to being. . .polite. Last night. . .you were really.. .honest and open and that was. . .it was great. You think maybe we can go slower than last night, but not quite start all over again? Maybe somewhere in the middle?”
*****Flashback*****
“Hey.”
She literally jumped and would have screamed if she hadn’t been so scared. She spun around and glared. “Are you crazy! Don’t sneak up on me in a cemetery!”
“Sorry.” He smiled at her apologetically. “You were pretty lost in thought though.”
She drew in a deep breath, waiting for her heart to stop beating so fast. She hated cemeteries in general but this was a visit she wanted to make. Needed to make. At least it was the middle of the day and the sun was shining brightly. It made things less scary. . .less creepy. But only slightly.
Nathan remained standing a few feet away, just watching her. He was wearing what seemed like the remnants of a suit. . .black slacks and a pale blue dress shirt with his collar unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up. Even as he squinted in the sunlight, she could make out the intense blueness of his eyes. He looked as handsome as always. . .but there was something different about him now. What that was, she wasn’t sure.
She hadn’t seen him in months, not since he had come to Tree Hill to celebrate Lucas’ birthday. That had been fun. . .the three of them hanging out like old times. She remembered how much she had hated it when Lucas had to return to California, and Nathan to Maryland. No matter how often she did it, or even if she knew she would see them again soon, saying goodbye to Lucas, but especially Nathan, was one of the hardest things she did.
She looked down at the headstone again.
Keith Jackson Scott. Uncle, Son and Friend.
She had read that inscription many times since Keith had been killed in that freak accident 6 months ago. But it still didn’t seem real to her. In many ways, Keith was as much a surrogate father to her as he had been to Lucas. Not that she had the same problems with her father that Lucas did. She loved her father. . .he was wonderful. But being the youngest of her large family, as well has having more than 4 years separating her from her next youngest sibling, and it easy for her to get lost in the shuffle. So when she had discovered Lucas and his ‘unconventional’ family, she had grabbed on. And they had welcomed her fully. So she had spent about as much time with Keith as Lucas had, and had grown to love him as well.
His death had been devastating. Especially considering how tangled and tortured the ties within the Scott family was, and had been. Still is, she thought.
She looked at Nathan again. Their relationship had changed significantly since Keith’s death. He started calling and e-mailing her regularly and she soon found herself looking forward to those communications. Soon, not a day went by without either of them calling, e-mailing or text-messaging the other. He was just being a good friend and was being there for her, but at times, she couldn’t help wondering.
Like the last time she had seen him. They had had fun hanging out with Lucas, but when they were alone, there was this. . .tension. . .between them. More than once, she had caught him looking at her in a ‘more than friends’ kind of way. And then there was the flirting. They had flirted with each other to the point where even Lucas had said something and Lucas was pretty used to their interactions.
But for once, she didn’t analyze any of it. She was happy. . .after the turmoil of Keith’s death and everything else, she was finally feeling happy again. And she was glad to have Nathan in her life so she didn’t want to rock the boat. For her, status quo was perfectly fine.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Lucas said you’d be here.”
“Yeah,” she turned towards Keith’s headstone. “I just uh, wanted to come by today to-“
“I know,” he said quietly. “He would have been proud of you Haley.”
She felt tears prickling her eyes and looked away. She wasn’t going to cry today. Today was going to be happy. “How come you’re here? I just. . .I thought you said you couldn’t be here. I-I mean not here, here, but you know in Tree Hill. Didn’t you say you had to meet with some sports agent to figure out who would represent you before the draft? I thought you couldn’t postpone that.” Nathan smiled. He did that when her rambling amused him and he had no intention of cutting her off. She forced herself to stop. “I just. . .what are you doing here?”
“I couldn’t miss your graduation.”
“You were there?” she asked, surprised.
“You looked beautiful up there. And magna cum laude huh?” He smiled. “I’m really proud of you, Hales.”
She could feel the heat crawling up her cheeks and had to look away. It was moments like these that she wondered. But every time she felt herself beginning to, she stopped. Don’t rock the boat. She cleared her throat. “So how come you didn’t call to let me know you were coming? And what about the meeting with-“
“Took care of it.”
“Oh,” she said again. Why was she suddenly so tongue-tied around him? “You found an agent?”
“No. I just. . .postponed it.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t.”
“I kinda lied about that,” he said softly.
“What?”
He sighed and closed the distance between them. “I was. . .I wasn’t sure if I wanted to come to Tree Hill.” Her heart leapt to her throat. Oh, God. “I just needed to figure some things out first.”
“What things?” she managed to ask in a calm voice.
“Things about us,” he answered.
“Us?”
“What are we doing Hales?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but things have been different between us these last few months. I mean, maybe it’s just me but I feel like we’re not just friends anymore. Like there’s. ..there’s more.” He looked at her fixedly. “That’s what I needed to figure out. And you know what? I couldn’t.” He smiled at her wryly. “But then I figured, it doesn’t matter because what I want is for us to. . .try again.”
“Nathan-“
He held up a hand, stopping her. “Just hear me out, O.K.? I know you’ve been through a lot these past few months-“
“You have been too,” she cut in.
“True,” he conceded. “We both have been through a lot and the next few months are going to bring even more changes. And you’re probably thinking that the last thing we need to change is our relationship but. . .it’s already changed. At least for me. But then, in a weird way, it hasn’t because we’re pretending not to notice it. Or I have. Maybe you just haven’t noticed it.” He sighed. “The point is. . .I don’t want to pretend anymore. I’m tired of it. I. . .I want to be with you, Hales.”
“Nathan. . .” she began but faltered. She had never expected this. She had noticed the change in their relationship, but she didn’t know if it was because of the after effects of Keith’s death. But looking back now, she should have known better.
Nathan and Keith had grown close in the aftermath of Dan’s heart attack. Because she was close to Lucas. . .and by association, Keith, Nathan had grown closer to both of them through her. But whatever progress that had been made in their relationship had been permanently erased when the truth about Keith’s and Deb’s affair had come to light.
Nathan had always habored a certain resentment towards Keith for his ‘neglect’ when he was young and that resentment had multiplied tenfold with the news of Keith’s affair with Deb. She had been shocked as well, but her relationship with Keith had been on a stronger footing, and they had managed to repair it. But Nathan and Keith had never quite managed to heal that particular wound.
That’s why his concern for her after Keith’s death should have tipped her off. Sure he had been affected by it, but given their relationship, she should have realized he was more concerned for her. Since Lucas had returned to California shortly after the funeral, citing a need to ‘get away’ she had been left alone in North Carolina to deal with everything. Aside from Nathan, only Lucas understood what Keith’s death did to her.
She remembered how bereft she had felt. That was until Nathan started to call her regularly. And in between those calls, he e-mailed and text-messaged her. He became a constant, reassuring presence in her life, even if he was hundreds of miles away. She had thought that they were just reaching out to each other in their shared grief, but looking back, she could see that it went beyond that. Nathan had always been more concerned about her than himself. He had been helping her with her grief, not vice versa.
“Haley?” he prompted.
She met his eyes. “Nathan. . .”
“Look, I know I just sprung this on you and believe me, I had a really well-prepared speech and everything but. . .” He sighed. “I want us to try again. Get it right this time. These past few years, I’ve learned a lot. . .hopefully I’ve grown up a bit too. But I hated not being with you Hales. I mean whenever something interesting or great or awful even happened to me, my first instinct was to call you up. And being able to do that in the last two months, it. . .it reminded me of what we were like, what we could be.” His eyes bore into hers. “I never stopped you know. Not in all these years.”
She knew what he meant and she felt a wave of emotion hit her. She hadn’t stopped loving him either. She had simply placed it. . .aside. Buried it deep inside of her after their divorce and had willfully ignored it because at first it was too painful and then later, because it seemed like indulging in false fantasies. But in the past two months, she had gone back to it. . .had wondered what it was like if she were to let those feelings come out again. To feel them again.
He ran a hand through his hair. “I mean I’m. . .I’m getting drafted into the N.B.A. next month! Can you believe that? All these years and it’s. . .” He stopped and shook his head. “I mean I’m excited about it but what really excites me is the thought of you being there with me. Not as my friend but with me. Just like I want you with me at my first game. My first win. Loss. Playoffs. Championship.” He smiled. “And I want to be there when you finish graduate school. When you land that great first job. When you get promoted. When you become wildly successful like I know you will be.”
“Nathan-“
“And I know it’s not gonna be easy. I know we made mistakes. That’s why I don’t want to start over. I want us to start. . .new. Learn from our mistakes and then move forward. We-”
“Will you shut up?” she cut in, smiling.
“W-What?”
Brown eyes met blue ones and held. “I want the same thing.”
He looked at her for a beat before understanding lit up his eyes and he slowly smiled. They stood there for several long seconds, taking in the suddenly changed nature of their relationship. Neither really knew what to do. Finally, Nathan held out his hand and said softly,
“You want to get something to eat?”
*****End Flashback*****
“Haley?” His voice brought her out of her thoughts with a jolt, which didn’t help her headache at all. “You O.K.?”
“Oh, uh. . .yeah. Sorry. I was, uh, thinking of something.”
“Right,” he murmured. “Um, look, I’m sorry to just dump all that on you, especially in the state that you’re in but-“
“It’s O.K.,” she said quietly. She was still thinking about the memory that had popped into her head. It was eerie how what Nathan had said then was so similar to what he was saying now.
He cleared his throat. “So, uh, what do you think? Maybe we can start-“
“New?” she injected with a wry smile.
He gave her an odd look. “I didn’t think of that but actually, yeah. .starting new sounds good. Doesn’t it?”
She sighed softly. She could hear that voice in her head saying ‘no’ but it was but a distant whisper now. Since her conversation with him out in the carport of Dan’s house, she had realized that she and Nathan were in the same place essentially. But Nathan had it worse, she reminded herself. She hadn’t really realized that until last night. He had nothing to fall back on.
Except her.
And again, she was struck by what he had done last night. It must have been incredibly hard for him to stop, but he had. Out of concern for her. . .for them. That was Nathan. Now and then. The world at large often viewed him as arrogant, distant and unapproachable and part of that was because he came off that way. Nathan wasn’t one for niceties. But to her, he had always been kind and thoughtful. Protective. He put her feelings before his own. With Lucas. Keith. His parents. And last night, he had done it again.
Didn’t she owe him the same in return? She was scared. . .terrified actually. It was hard for her to see beyond that fear sometimes. But it hadn’t been easy for Nathan to go see Lucas for her. . .for him to spend countless hours listening to her recall memories of Keith, given his own relationship with Keith. It hadn’t been easy for him to stand up to his father, but he had done it. For her. Nathan had always put her feelings first, and right now, she needed to do the same.
Besides, a growing part of her really wanted this. The part of her that was getting quite good at ignoring that relentlessly logical voice in her head. The part that had enjoyed being with him this past week in their beach house. Enjoyed it a lot. That could see what could be, instead of what is or what was. The part that didn’t listen to her fears, but instead to the hope she carried in her heart.
She had been scared in that cemetery three years ago. Scared of making the same mistakes. . .scared to risk her heart with him again. . .but in the end, it had been worth it. Maybe this would be worth it too?
And then she remembered both Lucas’ and Karen’s words.
She needed to take a chance, because she couldn’t afford not to. Nathan may be determined, but she knew that if she kept pushing him away, he would eventually leave. And she would regret it. Probably for the rest of her life. While Karen had a happy and full life, and had certainly had some fulfilling relationships before and after Keith’s death. . .there was always a lingering sadness about her that Haley didn’t want to possess as well.
She cleared her throat. Take a chance, she told herself. “We could do that.”
He eyed her for a beat, as if making sure that she had really said what she did. Then he smiled. . .one of his gorgeous, ‘light up his face’ smiles that was guaranteed to make most females weak in the knees. “I’m glad.”
She smiled. “Me too.”
They sat there for several seconds, just smiling at each other and for a moment, she felt like a giddy teenager again. Specifically the giddy teenager who had stood outside her house watching Nathan Scott walk away after they had shared their first kiss.
“So what do you say?” he asked at last. “You think you’ll feel up to grabbing some lunch in a bit?” She couldn’t help chuckling. Why did he always ask her to get something to eat after these moments? “What?”
She shook her head. “It’s nothing. This is. . .” She touched her temple and realized that she hadn’t been aware of her hang over for a while now. “Lunch sounds good. Just give me some time to put myself back together again?”
He grinned. “That shouldn’t take too long right?”
“Don’t ruin the moment by making me hurt you,” she said lightly.
He chuckled and got up. “How about in a few hours? I need to do my morning PT exercises anyway.” He gave her another one of those breath-taking smiles before he started towards his bedroom.
“Sounds good. Nathan?” He stopped and turned around. “Thanks for last night, you know with the. . .”
He nodded, understanding what she meant. Then his eyes twinkled mischievously. “Besides, I don’t want a woman who has just spent the night with me to wake up feeling like you do. What would that do for my reputation?”
He winked at her before he turned and continued towards his room. She didn’t know whether to laugh, or to grab the nearest object and fling it at him. She settled for staring at his retreating back open-mouthed.
Whatever else happened from that moment on, she knew for sure it wouldn’t be boring. Life with Nathan, even this ‘incarnation’ of him, never was. Oddly, instead of feeling scared of what laid ahead, she was looking forward to it. And she realized that it was the first time in months that she was actually looking forward to something.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN – Where We Belong
“You’re kicking me out?”
“Just for a few hours though,” he said with a smile.
“Because you need to set something up here? Like a catered dinner?”
“Nice try.”
“Nathan!”
He sighed. “You are terrible with surprises you know that?”
“That’s because I don’t like them!” She looked at him pleadingly. “Just tell me.”
He shook his head and took her hand, leading her towards the front door. “In a few hours.”
“Did I mention that I really don’t like surprises?”
“How do you know you won’t like this one?” he asked reasonably.
He had a point there. “Please?” He remained unyielding. “A hint then? Just a little one?”
“You want a hint?” She nodded, giving him her best smile. “O.K. Here’s a hint. Food will be provided.”
She scoffed. “That’s your hint?”
“No, that’s your hint. I don’t need any hints. I already know.”
“That’s clever,” she retorted.
He laughed. “You’re cute when you’re pouting.”
“How do I know what to wear?” she asked, trying another tact.
“It’s taken care of,” he replied, opening the door. She was surprised to see a black limo parked in their driveway.
She turned to him. “What is-“
“Sean here will take you shopping for the clothes you need. You also have an appointment at a spa in a little while.”
She glanced at the driver, clad in the customary dark suit, who had emerged from the front of the limo. He nodded politely at them before he moved to the back of the limo and stood patiently by the door. “How did. . .what is. . .”
He smiled. “It’s not too bad so far right?”
It wasn’t. But she wasn’t going to give up so easily. “How do I know what clothes to buy? Or if I have enough money?”
“It’s like pulling teeth,” he mumbled good-naturedly as he walked out. Since he was still holding her hand, she had no choice but to follow. He walked over to the driver. “Hi Sean.” Nathan’s greeting was familiar as if he and Sean were old friends.
“Mr. Scott.” He nodded at her and opened the door. “Are you ready Ms. James?”
“I’m not sure.” She smiled sweetly at Sean. “Is this going to be a long trip?”
Both Nathan and Sean laughed before Sean looked at her apologetically. “Sorry, Ms. James. I can’t answer that.”
“Again, nice try,” said Nathan as he ushered towards the open car door. She made no move to get into the car. She wondered how Nathan knew the driver’s name, or that he knew theirs. Clearly, whatever Nathan had up his sleeve today, he had planned it well. He looked at Sean. “Can you give us a minute?”
“Take as much time as you need,” said Sean as he moved over to the side giving them some privacy.
“O.K., Ms. Wants-To-Spoil-The-Surprise, now that you know I’m on to you just go along and enjoy the ride hmm?”
“Doesn’t look like I have much choice.”
“No, you don’t,” Nathan said lightly. “And I know you don’t like surprises but. . .” He looked at her a beat before he leaned down, bringing his face within inches of her own. Close enough so that she could feel his breath tickling her cheek. “You’ll like this one, Hales. Trust me.”
His voice had dropped into that low, husky timbre that never failed to send a shiver down her back. She glanced up and met his eyes, which were a clear, intense shade of blue. Breathing suddenly became an issue. “I-I do. I mean I trust you.”
He gave her one of those killer smiles of his and she felt her heart beat even faster. “Good. I’ll see you in a few hours, O.K.?” She nodded and he squeezed her hand before letting it go. She slowly climbed into the limo. Nathan looked at her for a beat and just before he closed the door, he winked at her.
As the limo pulled away, she caught one last glimpse of him. The twinkle in his eye was unmistakable, and so was that smirk of his. Those two things, coupled with that mischievous wink that he had given her made her seriously wonder just what was in store for her as Sean drove off to destination unknown.
~*~
She had no further contact with Nathan for the rest of the day. Although she felt his presence at all times. Everywhere she went that day, it was ‘Mr. Scott’ this or ‘Mr. Scott’ that. She quickly realized that ‘well-planned’ couldn’t even begin to adequately describe what Nathan had set up.
Sean had driven her into Charlotte and straight to one of those exclusive boutiques that specialized in the ‘complete shopping experience.’. Lingerie, clothing and shoes all in one place. She had been unsure of what to buy but of course, ‘Mr. Scott’ had taken care of that. The saleswoman had greeted her warmly at the door and then had ushered her into a private room in the back where an array of stunning cocktail dresses had been set up for her perusal.
But even that didn’t provide much of a clue as to what Nathan was up to. Cocktail dresses could be worn for a lot of different things, and the ones in the shop were beautiful enough that they could also be worn to even the most formal occasion. But she didn’t think it was a formal occasion. That just wasn’t Nathan’s ‘style’. . .or was it?
She had tried to subtly grill the saleswoman on what she knew about Nathan’s plans for the day, but of course, Nathan had taken care of that as well. The saleswoman had kindly, but firmly, resisted her attempts to get any information about the day. Finally, she had just given up and had simply shopped, as she was supposed to. She had spent over an hour trying on different dresses before she finally settled on one.
A red, halter-top dress with a flowing skirt. The red of the dress brought out the auburn highlights in her hair, and the fit of the dress emphasized her small, but curvy figure. The dress was much sexier than her usual style but she chose it for a reason. If Nathan was going to keep her off-balance with this whole surprise thing, then she was going to throw him a little off-balance too.
As soon as she had picked out everything that she had wanted, and from what the saleswoman was telling her, she could have bought out the entire store if she had wanted, all her purchases had been wrapped and sent out to Sean who had assured her they would be awaiting her. Where they would be awaiting her he wouldn’t say of course.
However, by that time, she had decided to do what Nathan had said. To just go along for the ride. And she was enjoying it. A lot. She had already figured out that this was going to be the ‘first date’ that Nathan had been hinting at since they had agreed to start new a day ago.
Since then, things had been both awkward and comfortable. Gone, although not completely, was that ‘politeness’ between them that Nathan had referenced. There was a new level of honesty and openness between them. But at the same time, there was also a new uncertainty.
Neither knew what to do with the changed status of their relationship. It wasn’t like they were two strangers who had met and decided to date. There was too much history there. But in many ways, they were like strangers since they, at least Nathan, needed to learn so much about the other. And neither quite knew how to handle it.
It had been over lunch yesterday that Nathan had first mentioned them going on a ‘real’ date. She hadn’t taken him seriously then. She remembered telling him that they had gone on plenty of dates. After all, they ate out. . .they watched movies. . .they went places. A date seemed kind of redundant at that point. But Nathan had argued that they should do ‘something different and out of the ordinary. Something we don’t normally do.’ She hadn’t really responded and she had thought that was the end of that, but now as she was sitting in the back of the limo once again, all decked out in her brand new dress, lingerie and shoes and her hair and make-up professionally done, she realized that, at that moment, she was on her way to that ‘different and out of the ordinary’ date.
She had spent close the entire afternoon in Charlotte, first shopping and then being pampered silly at one of the best salons in the city. She had received the full treatment. . .massage, manicure/pedicure, facial, hair and make-up. And sure enough, the dress along with the accompanying accessories that she had chosen, had been waiting for her in the salon’s dressing room when she had finished.
After she was dressed and ready, Sean had ushered her back into the limo and from what she could tell, they were headed back to Tree Hill. She inhaled deeply. . .her anticipation now at an all-time high. Nathan was rarely one for large, sweeping romantic gestures. He wasn’t one to bring flowers on a regular basis, and even though they could now afford it, they didn’t dine out at fine restaurants frequently. So all of this was quite new for her and she really had no idea what to expect. And she was dying to find out.
Fifteen minutes later and the limo pulled into Tree Hill’s marina. She looked around, confused. They didn’t own a boat, although they rented one whenever they were in Tree Hill and felt like going sailing. She wondered if Nathan had bought a boat recently. Lord knows he could afford one. . .or several. And he was well versed by now on all of his business holdings. . .and net worth. Somehow, she didn’t think that was what it was though.
Sean opened the door and offered a hand to help her out. She took it and climbed out of the limo, looking around, expecting to see Nathan. Instead, she just saw rows of boats.
“Mr. Scott’s waiting for you at the end of that dock over there,” said Sean, pointing the dock just ahead of her. “Have a good evening, ma’am.”
“Thank you,” she said, smiling at Sean before she started cautiously down the dock. She didn’t spot Nathan until she was almost upon him. His back was towards her, and he was staring out at the ocean, which had a golden shimmer as it absorbed the light from the setting sun. At the sound of her approaching foot steps, he turned around and she felt her breath catch in her throat at the sight of him.
He was in a black suit, with a crisp white shirt and no tie. Casual, yet elegant. He smiled at her and she sucked in a deep breath to remain calm. As she approached, she saw his eyes light up appreciatively as they slowly traveled up and down her body. She felt a thrill at his reaction and slowed her pace slightly, taking her time to reach him.
“Hi,” she said softly when she finally reached him.
“Hi,” he murmured, his eyes still transfixed on her.
She smiled. She had definitely made the right dress choice. When Nathan didn’t say anything in the next few seconds, she chuckled softly. She loved that she could affect him like that. “Are we waiting for something?”
“Wh. . .huh?” he stammered, as if he had just been jolted from a daze. “Oh, uh, no.” He gave her another once over and a slow smile spread across his lips. “You look gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” she said with a smile. She looked around and finally noticed the large yacht just over Nathan’s shoulder. Its boarding plank was down and waiting. “Is that. . .”
Nathan glanced over his shoulder. “Oh. . .yeah.”
“You bought a yacht?”
He chuckled. “No. What would I do with a yacht? Just. . .borrowing it for a while.” Nathan turned and signaled to someone on the yacht and she noticed for the first time the uniformed crew on board. “Crew included.”
"What-“
"Still with the questioning hmm?” he asked with a teasing smile. He held out his hand to her and she took it easily. “Shall we?”
~*~
“So how did you like your surprise?” he asked, coming up behind her as she leaned against the yacht’s upper deck railing, staring at the star-filled sky. It was beautiful out here. She had forgotten how incredible sailing at night was.
The gentle rocking of the boat. The utter stillness of the night. The stars, and in tonight’s case, half a moon, as the only means of illumination. It felt as if the night had wrapped itself around them, shielding them from the rest of the world. Out here, it was just them, adrift in the quietly entrancing sea.
She looked over at him. The yacht’s interior lights were on, and provided just enough light for her to make out his features slightly. “Let’s see, you send me on a shopping spree, then a day at a spa where I’m treated like a queen, then you whisk me off on a beautiful yacht, with full crew no less, and just fed me probably one of the best meals I’ve ever had.” She smiled. “The surprise really sucked.”
He laughed. “Damn.”
She turned so that she was facing him. “How’d you manage all of this?”
He grinned. “Can’t give away my trade secrets.”
“Not even if it’ll make you seem really ingenious?.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“Probably,” she said, chuckling.
He laughed and she realized then that she hadn’t heard Nathan laugh so much since tonight. Or herself for that matter. Not once all day had she worried or heard that voice in her head. If she dared to think it, she would even say that she was happy. Or as close to happy as she had ever been since his accident.
“Did I mention yet how beautiful you look?” he asked, breaking their momentary silence.
She smiled. “Not in the last hour.”
“My bad,” he said softly. “You look beautiful. Guess I picked the right store.”
“It was wonderful,” she agreed. “I can’t believe I didn’t know about it until today.”
“Clearly you’ve never learned the finer points of ‘googling,’” he said, grinning.
She gasped softly, piecing it all together in an instant. “That’s how you did all of this?”
“Amazing what you can do with a credit card and computer these days.” He smiled. “Still think I’m ingenious?”
She laughed softly. “Crafty might be a better word.” She looked around the enormous yacht that had not just one, but three fully furnished levels, including a fully functioning kitchen. “You put this yacht on your credit card?”
“This I had Sean take care of. He really is the best agent.”
“You deserve nothing less,” she said quietly.
“Funny. I could say the same about you.”
Though the light was dim, she didn’t have any problems seeing the emotion in his eyes. She felt her heart do that familiar lurch, and this time, she welcomed it. It was nice to get to feel these familiar emotions again without having to suppress them. Without worrying about what could happen.
They gazed into each other’s eyes for beat before Nathan leaned in even closer. She thought for sure that he would kiss her then but he stopped when he was inches away. Close enough so that she became acutely aware of him. . .so close that she could smell the faintest trace of his aftershave and feel him breath, but still not close enough for them to kiss.
“Do you really not like surprises?”
His question surprised her. Not only the question, but the seriousness in which he asked it. “It depends on the surprise.”
“Didn’t I do this kind of thing when we were married?”
“We didn’t exactly have money for this type of thing when we were married,” she said with a faint smile. “We were teenagers in high school.”
“How about later? When we got engaged? I was in the NBA then, and you were at the foundation.”
“Then we just did things together,” she answered. “Besides, you surprised me all the time. Not in big ways like this, although I’m not against that in theory, but you know, in small ways. All the time.” She smiled teasingly at him. “Maybe that’s why I don’t like it when you actually take the time to think out and plan your surprises.”
He smiled but when he spoke, his tone was serious. “Really? I surprised you all the time?”
She nodded. “It was part of your charm.”
“Was part of my charm?”
She grinned. “I did say it was only part of your charm.”
If it were possible, he leaned in even closer to her. “Yeah? And what were the other parts?” He smiled at her sexily.
And she couldn’t take it any more. The flirting. The near touches. Not that it hadn’t been fun. Hadn’t made the anticipation sweeter, but anticipation only went so far. She knew they were going to kiss. It had been pretty obvious since they had both agreed to start things new. . .but somehow, they had held off on it. And she was tired of holding back.
She closed whatever distance was between them and kissed him softly on the lips. She felt him react in surprise and smiled. She pulled back slightly and looked up at him. “I’m good with surprises too you know.”
“I know,” he said huskily as he looked down at her lips for a beat before he kissed her.
It was one of those deliciously slow and languid kisses. The kind to revel in. The kind to savor each touch. To taste each kiss. And to get lost in the feeling. The kind of kiss where the kiss was enough. . .more than enough.
She felt his arm wrap around her waist to draw her closer to him and she willingly complied, wrapping her arms around his neck and letting her hands comb through his thick hair slowly. His other hand cupped her cheek before it moved back and entangled itself in her hair.
Their lips were locked in a passionate dance. Each action was met with an equally passionate counteraction. She nibbled his lower lip and he responded by licking her upper lip. He pulled her lower lip between his and sucked and she responded by letting her tongue slowly enter his mouth to make the briefest of contact with his own. Each action seemed to drive the other’s desire higher and higher. To make that heat within in her spread hotter and faster inside of her.
They kissed until both were breathless and were forced to pull apart to draw in some much needed oxygen. She rested her head against his cheek and let her hand slide down to touch his neck. She felt a charge when she felt the rapid pulse beneath her fingers.
“H-Haley,” he whispered in between quick breaths.
She leaned her head back so that she could look into his eyes, which had so darkened with desire that they were almost as dark as the night sky. “Hmm?”
He looked at her a long moment, and then gently touched her face, letting his thumb trace a long, slow line down her cheek. “God, you’re beautiful.” He bent down and kissed her softly on the lips before he leaned his head against hers. “And if you kiss me like that again, I may. . .”
“I’m not drunk this time,” she said softly, looking up at him.
Something flashed in his eyes and he tried to cover it but she saw it. He kissed her again, hotly. “God. . .how’d I ever control myself around you?”
You loved me
She almost said it aloud. How she didn’t, she didn’t know because the answer seemed so loud inside of her. But it was the truth. Nathan had been willing to wait for her because he loved her. He had let her dictate the speed and pace of their relationship at the beginning. She hadn’t realized how precious that was until later.
Nathan had been her first, serious relationship. And that was before the marriage. As she had gotten older, and had dated other guys, she had begun to really appreciate just how incredible he had been with her. She couldn’t have asked for a kinder, more patient or understanding lover. Especially for her first time. Not everyone, she had realized, had their first time be that special. . .or to have a partner like Nathan.
Not everyone she knew could look back on their first time and remember it with utter happiness. She remembered how he had taken things slow. . .had asked her if she was O.K. both before and after. Afterwards, he had held her, tenderly and lovingly, as she had slowly come down from all those feelings. And then he had told her how amazing that had been for him, which had driven any feelings of doubt and insecurity about her lack of experience, completely from her mind.
Now, she knew what she had seen in his eyes just moments ago. Uncertainty. She recognized it from when she had felt it years ago with him. She hadn’t been uncertain about her feelings for him. She had just been unsure of whether she was ready for that new level in their relationship.
She saw that now with Nathan. Which she understood. He was unsure about going to the next level. There were still things between them to resolve. . .still things for him to resolve. Things had moved so fast for him in the last few months. . .so many things for him to deal with. It was no wonder that he was hesitating here. . .although he had been quick to hide it.
And then she realized something else. Since he had lost so many years worth of memories, she realized that he no longer remembered his first time. She knew it had been when he was fairly young and with someone older, but for obvious reasons, they had never discussed that in detail. So she couldn’t give him back those memories. Not that I would have wanted to, she thought wryly.
But what she could give him was a new memory. And when they made love, it would be his first time and for that, it should be as special as he had made hers.
She smiled gently and cupped his face between her hands. “It’s O.K.”
“What?”
She pulled back slightly so that she could look into his eyes. “We can still take things slow.”
“It’s not that-“
“I know,” she cut in gently. She leaned in and kissed him softly.
“So you’re O.K. with-“
She nodded. “I don’t want to miss anything along the way either.” She kissed him again and smiled against his lips. “Besides, there’s no rule that says you have to pass all the bases. We can stop and hang out on them for a while on our way to home plate you know.”
He laughed before capturing her lips in a quick, but intensely passionate kiss that literally left her head spinning. “I like the way you think.”
~*~
“I’m sorry,” she said in tone of feigned gravity as they made their way, hand in hand, down the sidewalk. “I just can’t be a part of this.”
“So you can just wait outside while I go in and get some.”
She shook her head. “You’re really serious about this?”
“Of course! Those things were amazing. You’d know that if you ate yours.”
“In the what? Five seconds you gave me before you devoured it?”
He chuckled. “I was hungry.”
“There are other things to eat for breakfast you know,” she said teasingly. “Like cereal. . .eggs. . .oatmeal. . .almost anything besides a sugar-packed cupcake.”
“Don’t mock my breakfast choices,” he countered in mock seriousness.
“Mock the breakfast of champions? I would never.” She smiled. “Actually the breakfast of champions would be cracker jacks and coffee so I’m free to mock the cupcake thing.” He stopped abruptly and it wasn’t until she felt their intertwined hands tug apart that she stopped. She turned back to look at him. “What?”
“I remember that,” he said softly.
“What? The cracker jacks?”
He nodded. “Picked it up at basketball camp one summer. I must have been. . .fourteen, fifteen.”
“You were eating cracker jacks with coffee when you were 14? At basketball camp?”
He grinned at the tone of her voice. “That wasn’t the approved breakfast mind you. It just worked better. Gave you a real boost in the morning.”
She shook her head. “And here I thought basketball camp was supposed to be good for you.”
He laughed and caught up with her, linking their hands once again. It was strange. . .yet in a nice way, how comfortable they were with touching each other now. There was a familiar ease to it that she had missed. “They were. You learn a lot at those camps. Not just basketball stuff.”
“I don’t want to know,” she said, laughing.
They continued happily down the sidewalk on their way to Karen’s Café. It was early afternoon, the day after their date on the yacht. They had stayed out on the yacht for several more hours until Nathan had asked the captain to turn them back around. They had done a lot more kissing as well as talking, about nothing really, and had just reveled in being together.
Once they had gotten back to their beach house, they had spent the rest of the night on the couch in the living room, staring out at the beach and holding each other. She wasn’t sure who had fallen asleep first, but she had awoken first. At first she had been panicked to find herself in Nathan’s arms and on the living room couch. . .it gave her a weird sense of déjà vu. . .but as the night’s events came back to her. . .she felt oddly at peace.
It was nice. . .this starting ‘new.’ Truth be told, a part of her welcomed it. Her courtship, if it could be call that, with Nathan had gone by so quickly. They had barely dated six months when they had gotten married. And when they had reconciled, they hadn’t exactly taken things slow. This, she figured, was their chance to do things a bit differently. Besides, after the past few months, just being able to be with him was enough.
Nathan had predictably awoken famished. She had offered to make them some breakfast and was in the process when he had discovered the cupcakes left over from his birthday celebration in the fridge. Those cupcakes didn’t stand a chance, and neither had her attempt to make breakfast.
A few hours later, when they had decided to venture out, Nathan had wanted to stop by the Café to get more cupcakes. After all, he had argued, he needed something for breakfast tomorrow. . .or the next day. She had reluctantly given in. Besides, it was good to see that his weird breakfast choices hadn’t changed.
They were just passing the printing shop which reminded her that she needed to make a decision on a standing order, when she spotted Deb, who was just leaving the shop, carrying a box. Nathan didn’t seem to notice his mother, or if he had, he was trying to avoid her, because he looked as if he were going to walk right by, but she stopped, which forced him to as well.
“Hi Haley, Nathan,” Deb greeted them with a hesitant smile once she had made eye contact with Haley. She slowly made her way over to them. She noticed Deb looking down at their joined hands for a beat before she focused back on them.
“Hi,” she replied, giving Deb a small smile. Nathan didn’t say anything but she could feel him tensing up next to her.
Deb glanced at her son nervously. “How are you?”
She waited for Nathan to reply since the question had been clearly directed at him, but again, no response came. She glanced at him and noticed he seemed to be staring at some point just over his mother’s head. Deb looked troubled by her son’s lack of acknowledgement and Haley felt the need to smooth things over.
“Good,” she said softly. “We’re, um, good.”
Deb smiled gratefully at Haley before she turned back to her son. “I was just picking up the printing for the new special at the Café and-“ Deb stopped mid-sentence and pushed her hair out of her face in an agitated motion.. “Um, listen, Nate, since I ran into you, I wanted-“
“You know what?” Nathan said abruptly, looking down at her. “How about I just go ahead and you meet me out front in a bit?”
“Uh, yeah, O.K.”
He nodded at her before he took off towards the Café without so much as a second glance at his mother. She and Deb looked at his retreating back for a few seconds before they looked at each other awkwardly. Haley had been in these situations with Deb before. If there was one consistent thing about Deb and Nathan’s relationship, it was the ever-present tension. At the relationship’s best, mother and son got along well and actually had meaningful conversations. At its worst, they were openly hostile to each other. But an underlying tension was present at all times.
She cleared her throat. “Um. . .he’s-“
Deb shook her head. “It’s O.K., Haley. I understand.” She sighed. “I was afraid of this. Afraid that I would have to rehash everything with Nathan. . .to go through all the ugliness all over again.”
“We all were,” she said softly.
“It doesn’t look like you and Nathan are having any problems.”
“What?” she asked, surprised. “That’s-“
“God, I’m sorry. I-“ Deb sighed. “That was. . .I’m sorry, Haley. I didn’t mean to imply that things have been easy for you since I. . .I just. . .” Deb stopped and looked at her intently. “How do you do it?”
“Do what?” she asked, confused.
“Love someone like Nathan so. . .effortlessly?”
She stared at Deb, not quite sure if she were serious. Did she really believe that? “Effortlessly?”
Deb shook her head. “That’s not really the right word.” She looked up and smiled wryly. “Did you know I’ve always envied you?”
“Me?”
Deb nodded. “I’m his mother. I gave birth to him. Comforted him when he was scared. Bandaged him up his scrapes and bruises, which incidentally were numerous. I’ve loved him from the moment he came into this world. I’ve known him his whole life. . .and yet I don’t really know him.” Deb looked at her. “And then there’s you. You didn’t even like him at first. But since the moment you’ve fallen in love with him, you’ve never done anything to hurt him, at least not willingly. You’ve watched out for him. Loved him unconditionally despite everything.” Deb sighed. “You’ve loved him better than I have. I’ve always resented that I think.”
She sighed. “Deb, that’s-“
“And what’s worse. He’s loved you in a way he’s never loved me. . .or Dan for that matter.”
“You give me too much credit.”
“Because you give yourself too little,” Deb countered with a smile. “Do you realize that he didn’t become the man he is. . .was. . .until he met you? I don’t think he’s ever opened himself up to me, or anyone else, the way he did with you. And he certainly didn’t rush out to divorce you the way he did his father and me. That’s really a sad testament to my abilities as a mother.”
“I. . .Nathan’s just having trouble sorting through everything. At the dinner, he just. . .he got hit with a lot of things.”
“Which was partly my fault.” Deb shook her head. “See? That’s what I probably envy you the most about. No matter what, you’ve always looked out for Nathan. I mean I’m grateful for that, believe me. He needed it since Dan and I failed so miserably in that area, but I just. . .how do you do it Haley? I’ve tried, I mean really tried, but somehow, I always seem to end up hurting him. . .or making things worse.”
What was she supposed to say? Somehow she sensed that anything she said would only make Deb feel worse. “You and I, we’re not. . .it’s different for me with Nathan.” She sighed. “I didn’t have to deal with the things you did. Like Dan for instance.”
Deb’s lips curled slightly at her attempt to lighten the situation. “You’re right. We’ve had to deal with different situations but you’ve always managed to do what’s best for Nathan. You’ve done what’s right.”
“I just. . .do what’s in my heart,” she said honestly. Because as protective as her head could be, her heart was even more so. But it was protective of her love for Nathan, and in that way, it always picked the course of action that was less painful for him. No wonder her head and her heart often clashed.
Deb smiled sadly at her. “Listening to my heart never really did me any good.”
She had noticed it before, but never quite as clearly as in that moment, that Deb carried with her the same sadness that she had witnessed in Karen. It was remarkable. How two women who were at their core very different people, and who had taken different paths in life, could end up in the same place. And because of the same man.
It was true that there was no love lost between her and Dan, but she knew that if neither Karen nor Deb had gotten involved with Dan Scott when they were younger, they would both be in very different places right now. Of course, that would mean she would be as well. Because without Dan, neither Lucas nor Nathan would exist. She always thought it odd that Dan could be the cause of such tremendous grief and pain but also be partly responsible for the existence of two people who had given her such incredible joy and happiness.
Can’t live with him, can’t kill him, she thought wryly.
“Just, uh, give him time,” she said gently. “He’s just. . .trying to sort everything out.”
“I’m glad you’re helping him through that.” She smiled. “Are you two back together now?”
“I, uh, we’re-“
“It’s O.K.,” Deb said. “It’s not really any of my business anyway.”
“It’s not that,” she replied. “It’s just. . .we’re sorting things out too.” In that instant, she heard that voice in her head again, which momentarily threw her off-guard since she had thought that the voice had been permanently silenced since she and Nathan had agreed to start new. Resolutely, she pushed that voice back into the deepest recesses of her mind and focused back on Deb.
“I’m glad,” Deb nodded. “I, uh. . .I was going to let him know that I have his presents from last night. You both left so abruptly, not that I blame you, that you left them behind. If you want, I can have someone from the Café drop them off.”
She smiled. “That would be great. Thanks.”
“O.K.,” Deb said, looking in the direction of the Café. “I’m going to, uh, run another errand or so. That should give you some time to meet up with Nathan and get out of the Café before I head back.”
“Deb you don’t-“
“It’s not for you. It’s for me. I just. . .couldn’t take Nathan looking at me like that again today.”
“Twenty minutes?” she asked softly.
“I’ll see you, Haley.” Deb turned to go. She took a few steps before turning back to Haley. “Haley? I’ve said this before but I, uh, wanted to say it again. Nathan’s lucky to have you. I hope you guys sort everything out.” Deb smiled. “I know it didn’t seem like it at times but I’ve always thought that Nathan belonged with you.”
