By Kate

CHAPTER FIFTEEN - Crumbling Facade

She had always hated those people. The ones who rushed about, cell phone firmly attached to their ear, yapping away and not paying attention to where they were going. She had always been a bit annoyed by them. . .but now she had become one of them.

The irony was not lost on her as she hurried down the sidewalk, her cell phone pressed against her ear. She was, of course, oblivious to the people around her as her attention was focused on Sean and what he was saying at the other end of her cell phone.

“So there will be a basketball camp this year?” Sean asked.

She shook her head out of habit, even though she knew he couldn’t see her. “I, uh, actually don’t know yet. But what made you think there wouldn’t be?” There was a pause on the other end. “Sean?”

“Oh, uh, just. . .nothing. I guess I just, uh, assumed.”

She frowned. Something seemed ‘off’ about Sean since his call, but she couldn’t quite place it. “Is there a problem?”

“No, no problem.”

“You sure?” she asked doubtfully.

“It’s fine, Haley.” Sean cleared his throat. “Um, you’ll let me know right? Nathan’s, uh, teammates are, uh, they’re ready to help out. They have the usual dates cleared so you just say the word and it’s set.”

She smiled. “Thanks, Sean. And I promise. . .I’ll let you know soon.”

Minutes after ending her conversation with Sean, it still nagged at her. Something seemed to have been bothering Sean. She was sure of it, but what it was, she didn’t know. Before she had any more time to dwell on that subject, she arrived in front of the small restaurant.

It was strange. She and Nathan had been coming here for over a week now. This had become their favorite restaurant in Tree Hill, but every time she came here, she felt a twinge of guilt at eating at any place other than the Café on a regular basis. But Nathan didn’t feel particularly comfortable in the Café, especially given the still awkward situation with his mother.

So when they had discovered this cozy little restaurant that specialized in simple but delicious Southern style ‘home cooking’ it had quickly become their favorite place to eat out. She looked down at her watch and sighed. Despite all the rushing, she was still late.

She entered the restaurant and smiled at the now familiar hostess and headed for the section of the restaurant that she and Nathan usually sat in. When she got to there, however, she found Nathan talking to a blonde in a tight, form-fitting dress. Actually from what she could see, it looked more like Nathan was listening while the blonde. . .flirted. Her body language was practically screaming at him to take her then and there.

She sighed softly. She should have been unaffected at the presence of basketball groupies by now. She had dealt with more than her share in the 3 years since Nathan had turned pro. Still, each time she was confronted with one, her irritation felt brand new. Shooting the blonde a look of annoyance she purposely strode up to the table.

“Hi!” she greeted them cheerfully.

The blonde turned and looked at her impatiently, clearly unhappy at being interrupted. Haley smiled sweetly at her in response. Nathan scampered to his feet. “Haley.”

“Hello sweetheart,” she cooed before kissing him possessively. She suppressed the laughter bubbling up inside her at the look on his face. She turned her attention back to the blonde who was now regarding her with open hostility. She kept the sweet smile on her face while she extended her hand. “Haley James.”

The blonde looked down at her extended hand a beat before she lightly shook it. “I’m Megan.”

“Hi Megan! Are you a fan?”

“Uh, yes, I-“

“That’s so great. Nathan and I love meeting his fans. Did you want an autograph?” She looked over at Nathan. “Do you have a pen sweetheart? I think Megan wants an autograph but is too shy to ask.”

Again, she fought to suppress her laughter at the look on Megan’s face. “N-no, I didn’t want-“

“A picture then?” she asked, her voice sickly sweet as she pointedly looked at Megan’s empty hands.

Megan’s eyes flashed. “No.”

“Oh.” She looked at Megan evenly.

Silence descended heavily between them. After a few seconds, Megan looked between her and Nathan before she smiled tightly. “I just uh, I wanted to come over and say ‘hi’”

“Aren’t you sweet?” she returned, still looking at Megan evenly.

The blonde’s eyes flashed briefly before the tight smile appeared again. “Uh, well, I, uh, need to get back.” She looked at Nathan and Haley noted the shift in her body language again as she did so. “Really nice to meet you, Nathan.”

“It’s was lovely meeting you, Megan,” she chirped brightly.

Megan nodded at her and cast one last look at Nathan before she finally ambled away. Haley looked at her retreating form a beat before she expelled her breath sharply. “Real subtle that one,” she muttered under her breath before she sat down.

She glanced in the direction that the blonde had disappeared in one last time before she finally turned to look at Nathan. She found him looking at her amusedly.

“What?” she asked, still a bit annoyed.

“That was impressive.”

“That?” She waved dismissively in the direction that the blonde had disappeared into. “That was nothing. I didn’t even need to pull out the ‘paternity suits waiting list’ act.”

“W-what?” he choked out.

She grinned. “She was easy.” She gave him a knowing look. “I meant easy to get rid of, not you know, easy. . .although she seemed like that too.”

“That didn’t bother you at all?”

She looked at him. “If I were bothered every time someone hit on you, I’d be bothered all the time.”

“All the time?”

She gave him a look. ”You can wipe that smirk off your face at any time.”

He laughed. “You’re adorable when you’re jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!” She looked at him fixedly. “Should I be?”

“Of course not,” he replied easily, smiling at her. “I’m actually glad you got here when you did. She was starting to talk about when I was playing in college and. ..you know.”

“Yeah.” She smiled. “Although it probably wouldn’t have mattered what you said to her. You could have told her you liked orgies with farm animals and she would have still been all over you.” Nathan had been sipping water and choked on some at her statement. He started coughing violently. “Oh my God! Are you O.K.?”

“O-orgies with farm animals?”

She chuckled. “I’m just saying.”

“Right,” he said, his coughing finally subsiding. “It was just. . .it’s hard sometimes, trying to fake my way through things.”

She looked at him in understanding. “I know. It’ll. . .get better.”

He met her gaze and she could see the doubt in them. “Yeah.”

“So how was your PT today?” she asked, deliberately changing the subject. She had noticed in the past week and a half that Nathan’s mood tended to darken when he was confronted with his memory loss directly. Usually those moods passed quickly but sometimes they lingered, and she often felt the need to divert not only his attention from them, but her own as well.

He shrugged. “Same as always.”

“Great.” She checked her watch again. “Sorry I was late. The fax machine had some problems. Poor Cindy, she had to fax the papers over and over.”

He nodded. “It’s O.K. I ordered you an iced tea.”

She smiled. “You’re the best.”

He returned her smile. “I know.”

“Oh, Sean called me just before I got here,” she said casually. “I became one of those annoying people who rush down sidewalks yammering into their cell phones.”

“He did?” Nathan looked at her, his expression suddenly very serious. “What did he want?”

She cleared her throat. She hadn’t just thrown that information about Sean out there. She needed to talk to Nathan about the basketball camp, specifically his participation in it, and she was hoping a nice, casual approach to the conversation would make an awkward topic easier. “He was just calling me back. I, uh, needed to talk to him about some foundation business.”

“Oh.” She wondered if she imagined the note of relief she heard in his voice. But she shook it off. Why would Nathan be relieved about foundation business?

“Actually, I sort of, uh, need to talk to you about that too.”

He looked at her, his expression slightly apprehensive. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “You, uh, remember your birthday dinner with your parents?”

“Hard to forget that one,” he said wryly.

“Yeah,” she said with a quick smile. “Um, remember your mother asked about a basketball camp?”

He looked down for a beat before he nodded. “Yeah. You do that every summer?”

“Right. Um, I was, uh, wondering if you wanted to do that this year? The deadline for setting things up with some of the vendors is coming up so uh, we need to decide if we’re going to go ahead with it.” Nathan was staring at some spot at the table across from them. “Nathan?”

He exhaled slowly. “Do you need me there to do this?”

His question surprised her. “Uh, yeah. I mean. . .you’re kind of the main attraction.”

He nodded slowly. “Do I need to uh, play basketball?”

Again, his question surprised her. And then she remembered that he couldn’t. She sighed softly. It was easy. To believe that things were back to normal. The past week and a half, it was as if things had been ‘reset.’ She and Nathan were together again. Granted, there were moments when his memory loss would become obvious, but it had been easy for them to brush those moments aside. So easy, in fact, that she had begun to forget that he couldn’t remember.

But moments like these, when he asked the obvious questions, made it difficult to brush that issue aside. And she was confronted with his ‘condition’ head-on. These moments were jarring, since they reminded her so vividly that things had been ‘reset’. . .just not in the way that she had wanted.

“Uh, you usually play a friendly match with some of your teammates and old friends. Then you guys each take 4 or 5 kids and show them some basic basketball skills. . .you know dribbling and shooting and other stuff. Then the kids play a game the next day and they all get awards and things like autographed balls and T-shirts and things like that.”

Again, Nathan stared at some spot on the table across from them. She couldn’t help but glance over there to see if she was missing something. After several long minutes, he finally said softly,

“I just, uh, I don’t. . .think I can.”

She looked at him, both surprised and concerned. “Nathan?” He continued to stare at the table. She touched his arm gently. “Hey.”

Ever so slowly, he finally turned and looked at her. His face was unreadable but she could see the swirling emotions in his eyes. “You really can’t do this without me?”

She sighed. It was too soon. She should have known that. Too soon for him to do something like the basketball camp. It was too public and as far as the public knew, Nathan was fine. But he wasn’t. Not entirely.

“Nathan,” she said gently. “It’s O.K. You don’t have to do this.”

“But the camp and the kids and-”

“It’s. . .I’ll figure it out.” She smiled reassuringly because he still looked so troubled. “I mean everyone knows you just had a serious accident so they’ll understand. Maybe we can, uh, do something different this year.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s O.K.,” she reassured him. She reached out and touched his cheek gently. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

He smiled slightly and took her hand from his cheek and kissed it. She returned his smile, and then each looked off in different directions. And she was once again aware of the awkwardness that could emerge so suddenly between them, and which tended to linger far longer than it should.

~*~

“So I heard a rumor that you’ve been eating at this other place,” the familiar voice said behind her. “You finally learn the errors of your ways?”

She gasped and turned around to find Lucas smiling at her. “Lucas!” She jumped up from the small table in the Café and hugged him happily. “What the hell are you doing here? When did you get back? Why didn’t you call me?”

“Hales!” Lucas protested. “One question at a time. How many times do I have to tell you that? Only ask one question at a time.”

“Shut up you freak!” she retorted playfully. “When did you get back?”

“Late last night,” he answered, as he took the chair across from her. “Too late to call. Besides, I figured I’d see you around eventually.”

She smiled, happy to have Lucas back in Tree Hill. She had missed him. And you need to talk to him, that annoying little voice in her head chimed in. She sighed softly. Lately, that little voice had grown clearer and clearer which alternately troubled and annoyed her since she had thought that it had been silenced for good. But she was stubbornly refusing to listen to it. . .or to consider why it was growing louder inside her. “I thought you said you couldn’t come back until next week?”

He shrugged. “We settled the problem with the new recruit earlier than I thought.” He smiled wryly. “You’d think they’d know what ‘mandatory’ means by the time they finish high school. Of course if they knew that, they wouldn’t have needed the mandatory summer classes in the first place.”

She chuckled. “Your job’s fun.”

“It has its moments.” He looked at her. “So what are you doing in here? I thought you said you and Nathan found a new, cooler place to hang out.”

“You know perfectly well we only go there because Nathan doesn’t want to deal with his mother. Besides I miss the coffee and these scones.”

“So I guess Nathan’s not with you?”

“You’re quick,” she said teasingly. He made a face at her and she laughed. “He’s at PT.”

Lucas looked surprised. “He is?”

“Why are you surprised by that?” she wondered. “He’s been in PT since his accident.”

“I’m not surprised,” he denied. “I just, uh, I guess I didn’t think he’d be there this early.”

“Yeah, he changed it.” She smiled at him. “It’s good to have you back. Phone calls just aren’t the same sometimes you know?”

“I know,” Lucas said with a smile. “So how are things Hales?”

She shrugged. “Good. Nothing’s changed since I last talked to you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, giving him an ‘are you OK?’ look. “How much could have possibly changed from a day ago?”

He chuckled uncomfortably. “Yeah, true.” Silence fell between them as she took a sip of her coffee. “So things are good between you and Nathan?”

She sighed. That voice inside her head was at it again and she resolutely ignored it. “It’s. . .it’s good.”

Lucas looked at her a beat. “Yeah?”

She shifted in her seat. “Yeah. I told you that last time we talked.” She hated the defensive tone that her voice had taken because there was no reason for her to be defensive. “It’s. . .it’s different but things have been different so. . . it’s good though.”

“As long as you’re happy, Hales,” Lucas said softly.

“I am,” she returned.

He smiled briefly. “Good.” Silence descended on them once again and she finished her scone. “So, uh. . .how’s Nathan doing?”

She didn’t answer his question. Instead she looked at him. She didn’t know how she had missed it before. Something was definitely going on with him. More specifically, whatever that ‘something’ was, it had to do with Nathan. “What’s up, Luke?”

“What?” he asked, his expression innocently questioning. “I just asked you how Nathan was.”

“I know,” she replied, looking at him steadily. “I heard something else though.”

“You’re hearing things?” he teased. “That’s not a good thing. You know that right?”

“Lucas.”

They stared at each other for several long minutes before Lucas finally looked away and sighed. “I don’t want to. . .get between the two of you.”

Those familiar alarms began to go off in her head but she forced herself to focus. . .to not give in to the rising emotions inside of her. “What are you talking about?”

“Hales, please?” Lucas looked at her pleadingly. “You know the only way it has worked for the three of us is if one of us don’t get involved in whatever goes on between the other two.”

“The only problem with that is I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”

Lucas looked at her, his expression conflicted. “I. . .I can’t. . .I shouldn’t tell you. I wasn’t even planning on it.”

“Because your oh-so-obvious approach didn’t give anything away?”

“Haley. . .”

“Lucas,” she imitated his tone.

“I don’t think I should be the one to tell you this. Besides, I don’t even know for sure.”

“O.K. can we dispense with code-speak first of all?” She let the irritation creep into her voice. That voice in her head had been growing louder and louder since her conversation with Lucas took such a strange and unexpected turn. And it was getting harder to ignore it. “And second, whatever is going on with Nathan, I think I have a right to know.”

“Who said it had anything to do with Nathan?”

“You did,” she retorted bluntly. “Word of advice, Luke. In case you missed it the first time, you suck at the subtle thing.”

Lucas sighed heavily and looked down at the table for a beat before he looked up. “O.K. But you gotta understand that it was just. . .just rumors. . .I don’t really know anything for sure.”

“Just tell me!” she exclaimed impatiently.

He sighed again. “Um, I, uh, I heard that Nathan was. . .he’s quitting basketball.”

She had been scared that something horrible might have happened to Nathan. . .or was going to happen to Nathan, so for one brief instant, she actually felt relief that it was ‘just basketball.’ But then things started to gel inside her head and relief gave away to more troubling emotions.

“W-what?” she stammered. “W-what do you mean he’s quitting?”

Lucas shook his head. “I don’t know, Hales. I mean like I said, this isn’t confirmed. I just. . .” He stopped and sighed. “You know I have some contacts with the NBA teams through my job right? Well, last week, I got a call from Miles. . .he’s one of the assistant coaches with the Kings and he told me that he had heard some talk in the Kings’ office that Nathan was going to quit.”

“He’s quitting? For good, quitting?” she asked, still trying to process everything. The pieces were still coming together in her head and she didn’t like the picture it was forming.

“That’s what Miles said.”

She shook her head. “This. ..it doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, Hales,” Lucas said gently. “And look, it’s probably not even true. Maybe just a rumor somebody started to cause trouble or something.”

She looked at him. “You don’t believe that. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tried to find out if anything was going on with Nathan, all while trying not to tip me off. Good job on that by the way.”

He grimaced. “Haley, I-“

“Do you think it’s true?”

He sighed. “I. . .don’t know, but something’s going on. The inner circle of the Kings’ management is talking. I know that.”

She nodded, absently as she slowly began to look at everything. And it did make sense. Just not the kind of sense she wanted it to. Sean’s behavior when he had called her. Nathan’s reaction when she had mentioned Sean’s call. His reluctance to talk about basketball.

Then there was the awkwardness between them that she had willfully ignored all this time. Their newfound closeness was great. . .but there was a distance there too. She had just chosen to ignore that. How many times had she changed the subject when she felt things grow uncomfortable between them? And how often had she chosen to ignore the warnings that little voice inside her head had given her?

“Hales? You O.K.?”

“I just. . .” Her voice trailed off. Why would Nathan lie though? She had never once pressured him about basketball. If he wanted to quit, she would have supported him in that. She racked her brain, trying to think back over the past months to see if she had somehow, in any way, unwittingly pressured him about basketball. But she honestly couldn’t think of any instances. If anything. . .she had been decidedly disinterested. So. . .why?

“I’m sure there’s some kind of. . .reason or explanation.”

Her mind was still racing. “This just doesn’t. . .it doesn’t make sense though. I mean if he wanted to quit why would he-“ She stopped abruptly as another piece of the puzzle slammed into place. “PT. He’s at PT. Why would he go if he-“ Again she stopped abruptly and looked at Lucas before she grabbed her purse and dug through it for her cell phone.

“Haley?” Lucas asked her, confused.

She held up a hand to quiet him as she listened to the line ringing on the other end. When it connected, she forced herself to sound calm and pleasant when she spoke. “Hi, good morning. This is Haley James. . .I was wondering if you could page Nathan Scott for me please? He’s in PT with Nolan. I’m sorry to bother you about this but he’s not picking up his cell phone and it’s kind of an emergency.”

“Could you hold a moment please?” So many things were racing through her head in that instant that it took all her energy to just focus on the phone call. After what seemed an eternity, the friendly voice at the other end of the line returned. “Ms. James? I’m sorry, I think there might be a mix-up. Mr. Scott has checked out of our facility.”

She had been expecting the answer, and yet when it came, it still surprised her. “I-I’m sorry? Checked out?”

“Yes. Last week. He’s no longer in PT. At least not with us.”

“I see,” she murmured, although she didn’t really ‘see’ at all.

“Is there anything else that I could possibly help you with?”

“No, no, thank you,” she answered before she terminated the call. She looked over at Lucas who was looking at her in concern.

“Haley, I’m sure-“

She didn’t hear the rest of what Lucas said. She already knew from the moment the pieces in her head had started to fall into place that there was only one thing she needed to do.

Find Nathan.

~*~

It was interesting.

How many emotions you could go through on any given day. And how quickly you could go through them. Or how one emotion could supplant another in the blink of an eye.

Worry. Anger. Fear. Hurt.

It was all whirling inside her as she pulled up to the beach house, several hours after she had rushed out of the Café. Several long hours. It should have occurred to her that Nathan wouldn’t be at the beach house. He quit PT last week and since then, he had disappeared to who-knows-where for several hours each morning, so the odds of him actually coming back to the beach house early on the exact day that she had uncovered his charade would have been slim at best.

But still she had tried.

After that, she had driven around for a while. . .not looking for him but giving herself some time to think. And the time alone hadn’t really helped. If anything, it had jacked up her anxiety level even further. It gave her too much time to wonder and ponder and come up with less-than-pleasant reasons for why he would lie about basketball. . .about PT. . .and about what else she was afraid to consider.

So to say that she was ‘in a state’ as she got out of her car would have been a gross understatement. She felt a rush of relief to see Nathan’s car in the driveway. One of the many, many scenarios that had rushed through her head was that he had gotten into another accident.

Then she noticed another car parked in their long driveway and felt her emotion switch from relief to annoyance.

What is Dan doing here?

She stopped and drew in a deep breath. When it rains, it pours, she thought wryly. Of all the days for Dan to come visit, it of course had to be today. Of course. She drew in another deep breath and then continued towards the door.

She had barely opened the door when she heard the raised voices. She involuntarily winced and her protective instinct kicked in. It usually did when Dan was around either her or Nathan. If anyone could raise your internal ‘fight or flee’ instinct, it was Dan Scott.

“So it’s true?” asked Dan, his voice loud and disbelieving.

“How do you even know this?” Nathan countered, his voice matching his father’s in volume.

“I have my sources. I can’t believe this Nathan!”

“You can’t! I thought you were obsessed with basketball when I was a kid but my God! It’s even worse now. You have sources to keep track of me?”

“Don’t be so paranoid! And you honestly think you can make a life-altering decision like this without people finding out?”

“People? What people? No one knows yet! No one is supposed to know yet!”

“Well I do!” There was a brief pause before Dan erupted anew. “You cannot be serious about this!”

“Well I am!” Nathan’s voice was angrily defiant. Clearly she had walked in on an argument that had been brewing for some time. She quickly made her way towards the living room. She was halfway there when Nathan’s next words stopped her in her tracks. “I’m quitting and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

So it was true. She hadn’t really doubted it but hearing Nathan confirm it somehow made things. . .worse. Again, the questions overwhelmed her.

No one said anything and she knew that she should have just taken that opportunity to announce her presence. To stop standing there in the hallway and eavesdrop. And yet, she seemed unable to move.

“Why?” Dan’s voice had lowered significantly and he sounded almost resigned.

“Why does it matter?” Nathan countered. “I just want to quit.”

“That’s it?” Dan’s voice began to rise again. “You just woke up one day and decided to throw away your life? To throw away all the years you put into this? To just say ‘the hell with it’ to all your dreams?”

“What makes you think the NBA was my dream? Or my life?”

“What makes you think it wasn’t?” Dan challenged. “You can’t remember can you? How do you know you didn’t change your mind later on? Come on, Nate. O.K. Sure, I pushed you-“

Nathan scoffed loudly enough for her to hear it. “You did more than push Dad! And maybe it was my life. . . but it’s not anymore. Things change.”

“Things change?” Dan repeated incredulously. “Look, Nate, I get that you had a really traumatic experience. I understand that. ..more than you know. And I’ve tried really hard to. . .give you time. . .time and space so you can get better but this is. . . .I just can’t stand by anymore. What you’re doing is crazy! I’m not going to let you just throw away everything you’ve worked for. Not like this. You’re just recovering from a trauma. . .you just need some time to-“

“I don’t need time! And I’m not discussing this with you! I’m not a kid anymore and yeah, maybe I’m messed up in the head or whatever but I can make my own decisions and that’s what I’m going to do.” There was a pause and when Nathan spoke again, his voice had a mutinous edge to it. “I don’t care what you or anybody else thinks.”

“What about Haley?”

“What about Haley?” Nathan spit back at his father, his voice sharp now.

“What does she think of this?” Nathan started to say something but Dan abruptly cut him off. “Is this what this about? Haley? Does she want you to quit? Is that why?”

“No! Just leave her out of this!”

But she had caught the shift in his voice. That and the way he seemed to deny it a little too quickly and with a little too much force. She frowned. She had never pressured him to quit basketball any more than she had pressured him to return to it. . .so what was going on?

Unfortunately, the only other person besides her who really understood Nathan, who could ‘read’ him, was Dan. And if she caught it, she was sure Dan did as well. And sure enough,

“Is that it? She wants you to quit?”

“No!” She winced at the tone of Nathan’s voice. “I told you, leave her out of this!” Nathan, she knew, was very close to completely losing control. She knew she needed to stop this and began to head towards the living room again.

“This is unbelievable!” Dan’s anger apparently matched his son’s. “I was afraid this was going to happen! I knew I shouldn’t have just stepped back, but your mother insisted and I thought it would help you but this is-“

“Dad! Just stop!”

“Just because you’re trying to figure out your relationship with Haley again doesn’t mean you should just do what she wants you to!”

“I told you! She has nothing to do with this!”

“The hell she doesn’t! You expect me to believe she has nothing to do with you wanting to quit basketball all of a sudden? She’s never supported you fully in that!”

She felt her anger rising at Dan’s words. She already had enough to deal with and now she had to deal with Dan and his unique brand of revisionist history? She finally reached the living room but neither of them was aware of her presence. Both were too caught up in their argument.

“What is it about her huh?” Dan continued. “I’ve never understood it! What does she have over you huh? What? What is it about her that would make you want to give up the best thing in your life?”

“Dad!” Nathan’s voice had a dangerous edge to it. She looked at him and could almost see the tension emanating from him. He was standing completely straight, his arms at his sides and his hands clenched into tight fists.

“I’ve been in love son! I understand it. You may think I don’t but I do! I get it. I get that it can. ..overwhelm you. But you know what else I get, Nate? Love is fleeting! People change! They betray you and they hurt you! And in the end, love isn’t what matters! In the end, what matters is that you only have yourself to rely on! So you better not give up your dreams for anyone else ‘cause all you’re gonna end up with is a life full of regrets. . .and lonely nights wondering ‘what-if.’”

Dan looked at his son. “You deserve better, Nathan.”

“Better than Haley?” Nathan asked coldly.

“Better than this! Better than reliving your life! Did you ever once think that the accident was your chance to start over? To not make the same mistakes again? But here you are. . .going through the exact same thing! You quitting basketball! You and Haley! What? Are you falling in love with her again? Is this-“

Nathan finally exploded. “Shut up Dad! Just shut up! I don’t care what you think! I don’t want to hear it anymore! You don’t get a say in my life! And you don’t know the first thing about Haley. . .or me! I’m not falling in love with her! I-“

She knew words could hurt. She just didn’t remember how much they could hurt. So much that she actually gasped in pain at Nathan’s words. . .loud enough so that it finally drew both of their attention to her.

For a several long moments, no one said anything as she stared at Nathan. She was dimly aware that Nathan’s father was still there, and he too, was looking at her, although she guessed that he probably didn’t have the same look of remorse and surprise on his face that Nathan did.

She fought the instinct to turn and run out of there. But then, she didn’t think she could move. She felt oddly separated from herself. . .as if she had floated right out of her body and was now observing everything from somewhere near the ceiling. Nothing seemed quite real to her in that moment. Not her standing there. Not Nathan. Not even her emotions. . .she was barely aware of them now. She knew she hurt. . .she knew she was angry. . .and yet she didn’t quite feel it. She didn’t know whether to be thankful or concerned about that.

“Haley.” Nathan took a step towards her.

She recoiled at his movement, and he winced at her action. But he stopped, making no more movement towards her. His eyes sought hers, but she avoided them.

“I need to talk to Nathan. Alone.” She looked at Dan impassively.

“I think-“

“Now.” Her voice was still oddly quiet, but the force by which she delivered that single word clearly left no room for argument.

Dan looked at Nathan once more before he nodded and then walked out. A few seconds later, she heard the front door open and close.

She didn’t know how long she and Nathan just stood there after his father left. Neither said anything and the silence between them seemed to grow louder and louder. Finally, Nathan spoke, his voice soft and hesitant.

“Haley, I didn’t-“

“Why?” She somehow found her voice and asked the one question that had been floating around her head since this morning.

“Why?” he repeated, confused.

She finally looked at him and she was aware that he flinched when he made eye contact with her, but actions like that seemed meaningless to her now. “Why did you lie to me?”

“Lie to you?” His voice still held that note of confusion.

She felt the anger rise within her. Instantaneous and uncontrollable. “Don’t pretend that you don’t know! You’re quitting basketball! You quit PT! What have you been doing all this time? When were you going to tell me? Or was that something you were planning to keep from me? What else have you been keeping from me Nathan? What!”

There was a play of emotions across his face. Surprise. Confusion. Hurt. “You know?”

“Yes I know! I’m not as stupid as you think I am!”

“Haley-“

“Why! Why did you lie?”

“I didn’t lie, I-“

“Don’t give me that! You just didn’t tell me! It’s the same difference!”

“Like you didn’t tell me about us when I came out of my coma?” he shot back at her. She withdrew at his words. He sighed. “I’m sorry. I. . .this has been a. . .look, why don’t we just take some time, O.K? This isn’t the best time for us to talk about this. . .or anything else really.”

“What’s the point?” she countered. “Is anything going to change? Has anything really?”

“Haley-“

“Why are you quitting basketball?” She was aware that this wasn’t really what she wanted to talk about, but the. . .other thing. . .she didn’t dare consider that. That already hurt enough.

“Look, I’m sorry you had to-“

“You’re sorry?” She scoffed. “That’s great. All this time and you never once said anything to me! Why?”

He sighed. “I just-“

“And I didn’t want you to quit!”

“I never said you did.”

“So your decision has nothing to do with me?” She could see his eyes flash at the challenge in her voice.

“I thought you’d understand this.”

“Understand! Understand you lying to me! Understand you making this kind of decision based on. . . .based on what? I don’t even know because you didn’t even tell me!”

“What? You want me to go back to basketball? Is that it?” He shook his head. “I don’t get it. Basketball is what broke us up and you-“

“What! Basketball broke. . . .what makes you even think that?”

“You told me that!”

“I told you?” she repeated, incredulous.

“My birthday. I asked you why we broke up and you said ‘basketball.’”

“I was drunk!”

“So that’s not the reason?”

She stopped. When did everything get so complicated? How could everything just fall apart like this? “It’s. . .”

“Complicated?” He threw his hands up in the air in frustration. “Yeah! I get that It always is with us!”

Something hit her then. Hard. And she could no longer ignore that voice in her head. Wasn’t that what she had feared all along? Not just since Nathan’s accident but. . .all along? It was too complicated. . .and it always was. Maybe more complicated than it should be.

He sighed. “Look, Haley-“

She shook her head. “No, you’re right. And your father’s right. It is always complicated between us and we’re just. . .we’re going in circles. . .making the same mistakes. What’s the point?”

Now it was his turn to recoil at her words. “You don’t mean that.”

“Sure I do,” she said, recklessly. There was a certain power in not worrying about what you said. In letting your emotions drive your actions. She was aware that it was recklessly dangerous, but she didn’t care. She didn’t want to care anymore. Caring only seemed to get her hurt. . .to bring her pain. And she was tired of it. “And you do too.”

“Haley, what I said-“

“It doesn’t matter!” she cried. “Does any of this matter? What have we really been doing Nathan? I’ll tell you! Pretending. We were pretending that we were starting over. . .no, wait, what was it? New! We were starting new but were we? Really?” She scoffed. “We were just pretending. Pretending that it didn’t matter! It didn’t matter that you couldn’t remember! That it didn’t matter that I wanted you to! That it-“

“That’s just it isn’t it?” he cut in angrily. “That’s what this is really about. That you want me to remember and I can’t!”

“It doesn’t matter! None of this does!”

“You’re right.” His voice was cold, but it didn’t seem to bother her. Then again, nothing really seemed to be penetrating with her. “We are pretending. Because all along, you didn’t want me. Not really. You wanted. . .him. The guy who can share those memories with you. The guy who isn’t messed up and broken. They guy who's an NBA player! The guy you don’t have to worry about fixing!”

She felt the tears prickling her eyes. How did it come to this? she wondered idly. Waking up that morning, she would have never guessed, not in a million years, that just hours later, she would witness the destruction of her relationship with Nathan. Yet here she was, standing in the rubble of what had been. Sure it had just been a façade. ..but for a moment in time. . .it felt real. But now all that was left was ruins.

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. She looked at him for a beat before she turned and walked out. And in that moment, she started to believe what she was saying.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN – Changing Course

“God,” said Lucas, coming up to her. “We so need to designate one place as your hideout ‘cause you have too many places around here that you like going to. I must have driven around Tree Hill like 10 times already looking for you.” He looked around. “So of course, you’d be here.”

She looked at Lucas impassively. She was aware that he was worried, and also a bit irritated, but she just didn’t seem to care. In fact, since leaving the beach house and coming here, she didn’t seem to care about much of anything.

“How long have you been here anyway? And how’d you get past my mom?”

She shrugged. “They were busy.”

Lucas looked at her a beat before he moved over to the picnic table and sat down. She was curled up on the lounge chair. The roof above Karen’s Café was eclectic to say in the least. At one point, it had been hers and Lucas’ hideaway. . .the place they went to to get away from everyone and everything. They had even constructed a little miniature golf course at one point. But over the years, they had spent less and less time here. . .and the roof became yet another place to store things from the growing Café.

She looked around. She could still see remnants of their miniature golf course. . .the Christmas lights that had longed stopped working. . .the faded green felt of the putting hole. The kitschy plastic lawn ornaments were still there. . .even if they had faded significantly. And the patio and outdoor furniture was a bit worse for wear but they, too, were still there. Only now, old storage racks and carts from the Café were mixed in as well.

It gave the roof a cluttered, almost schizophrenic feel.

“You know,” Lucas said gently. “I’ve been worried out of my mind about you since this morning. How come you didn’t answer my calls?”

“Couldn’t.”

“What do you mean ‘couldn’t’?”

“My phone broke.”

“Your phone broke?” She nodded. “You mean like the battery died?”

“I mean like I threw it off the roof.”

Lucas raised his eyebrows. “Huh.”

“So, see, I couldn’t.”

He sighed. “I talked to Nathan.” He looked at her, clearly expecting a response, but she offered none. “If it’s any consolation, he’s not doing too well either.”

She remained silent. She didn’t really know what to say. And she was worried that if she started, she wouldn’t be able to stop. Where she was now. . .where nothing hurt. . .where nothing seemed to matter. . .it was oddly comforting. If she ventured out, she would lose all control and that was all that was keeping her from screaming uncontrollably.

“You’re not gonna say anything?”

“Say what?”

“I don’t know, Hales! Anything! Tell me what happened! Scream or cry or something. Just don’t sit there staring blankly at the sky because it’s freaking me out!”

“It’s over.” She delivered the statement quietly. . .without emotion.

Lucas looked at her and she held his gaze evenly. “You don’t mean that, Haley.”

“I wish people, and by people I mean guys with the last name ‘Scott,’ would stop telling me what I do or don’t mean!” She felt her control slip and fought to regain it.

“Haley,” said Lucas, his voice placating. “I didn’t mean. . .” He sighed. “I guess your confrontation with Nathan didn’t go well huh?”

“Nope.”

“So you guys have had fights before. It doesn’t-“

“It’s different this time.”

“Why?” Lucas asked softly.

She expelled a short breath. She didn’t want to do this. Not with Lucas. Not now. Not ever. She just wanted to sit here, on this old, rusting lounge chair and stare at the other rooftops. To not have to think. . .or feel.

“Look, Hales, you guys are just. . .things just seem bad now. Just give it time. You both probably need to cool off anyway and-“

“It won’t matter.”

“Haley. . .”

“It won’t Luke!” She felt her control slipping again. Felt the force of those suppressed emotions begin to bubble up inside of her. “I just. . .I give up.”

Lucas stared at her, disbelief emanating from his eyes. “You. . .give up?” She nodded. “You. . .how can. . .you can’t just give up!”

“Yes, I can!” She looked at Lucas defiantly. “I can do whatever the hell I want!”

Lucas looked like he was going to retort, but he stopped and just stared at her for several long minutes. She looked away, not wanting, and perhaps unable, to meet his eyes. Silence stretched between them and she forced herself to ignore it.

“Why Hales?” Lucas finally asked softly.

“It doesn’t matter.”

Lucas scoffed. “Like hell it doesn’t! After all this time, after everything you and Nathan have been through? You’re just going to quit because you got into an argument? This is how you’re going to let things end with Nathan? Like this?”

She felt those emotions push further up inside of her. “That’s just it. It’s. . .” She stopped and searched for the words. The words to make him understand. . .to make him stop with the questions. “It’s just. . .”

“Just what?”

“Hard!” she exclaimed, feeling the control slip completely away from her. She jumped off the lounge chair. “It’s too hard Luke! It’s just too hard!”

“What is? Dealing with Nathan? His accident? Him-“

“All of it! Everything! It’s just too hard and. . .and complicated! Even Nathan sees it! It’s too damn hard and it. . .it shouldn’t be!”

“Haley-“

“Maybe. . .maybe it’s a sign. Have you ever thought that? That all the things that Nathan and I have gone through isn’t so we can keep plowing through it, but that we should wise up and. . .stop trying. Stop fighting against everything. I mean it’s so hard, Luke! It shouldn’t be you know? First with us getting married and then all that crap with his family. . .and then just when things seemed to be going well again. . .the accident happened! It’s like. . .fate. . .the universe. . .whoever is in charge of these things is telling us something and we haven’t been listening.” She shook her head. “Well, I’m listening now and it’s telling me I should just. . .quit.”

“That’s ridiculous, Haley.”

“Is it?” she challenged. “Come on, Luke. No one has ever really thought that Nathan and I were meant to be together. Not his parents. Even my parents had doubts. Not our friends. You didn’t.”

“First of all, that was a long time ago, Haley. And second of all, I was an idiot. You know that. I have bouts of idiocy and you can’t use that to support this crazy notion you have of the world being against you and Nathan.”

“It’s not crazy!” she cried. “I mean why is it so hard for us? Why does it feel like everything is a struggle? A fight? It shouldn’t be this hard! If it was meant to be, it shouldn’t feel like a constant battle.” She began to pace. “Love shouldn’t be this hard. It should be. . .easy. If it’s meant to be. . .it shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly fighting everything and everyone.”

“That’s bullshit, Haley!” Lucas exclaimed. She stopped pacing abruptly and looked at him in surprise. “And you know it.”

“No, it’s-“

“Of course it’s hard!” he cried. “It’s called ‘life’ Haley! Since when is life in general easy? Or fair? You know what? Bad things happen. And they happen just because that’s what life is. . .sometimes it’s great. . .and sometimes it sucks so bad that you have to find the tiniest reason not to throw yourself off the roof after your cell phone! But that’s what you do. You get up. . .and you go out and yeah. . .you fight and you struggle. . .and it is damn hard.”

His expression softened slightly. “But it’s worth it too because sometimes you find something that makes you so unbelievably happy that all the struggling and fighting is completely worth it.” He sighed. “I get what you’re saying Hales. . .but you have it all wrong. If what you and Nathan have gone through is a sign for you to quit, then. . .then I should quit too. Hell, everyone should. It’s not like we haven’t seen our shares of battles you know.”

She sighed and sank back down on the lounge chair. “I didn’t mean that. I just. . .” She looked up at him questioningly. “Don’t you ever think that something’s just too hard? That it’s hard because you shouldn’t be doing it?”

“Sure,” Lucas nodded, coming over and sitting down next to her. “Like you know, killing, stealing, lying. . .those are hard and you definitely shouldn’t be doing those things.”

“Lucas.”

“Sorry.” He sighed. “I get it, Hales. Things have been. . .strangely complicated for you and Nathan and sure, if you wanted, you can take it all as a sign.” He touched her shoulder gently. “Funny thing about signs though. . .you can read them a lot of different ways.” He paused. “Take David for instance.”

She looked up at Lucas sharply. “What about David?”

“Your relationship with him was easy right? You could say all the signs pointed to you being with David.” He looked at her pointedly. “So how come you broke things off?”

She sighed. She knew where Lucas was going with this and she hated it. Because it would prove his point completely. She had met David Binder her sophomore year in college and things had grown serious between them. Aside from Nathan, David was the only other person that she had had a committed relationship with.

David was smart, handsome, ambitious and an all around nice guy. On paper he was the ideal boyfriend. And as an added bonus, he had a ‘normal’ family. . .at least one that was completely different than the Scotts. They had been together for over a year and more than a few people had told her that she and David were the ‘perfect couple.’ Outwardly, they were right. She and David were ‘perfect.’ Their relationship was. . .easy. . .they had their share of arguments like any couple but there were no heart-wrenching fights. . . .little screaming or yelling. . .no gut-twisting drama.

But there was no passion either.

That was why she had ended it. David had begun to talk about their long term plans, and the word ‘marriage’ began to pop up. Unfortunately, she didn’t feel the same way. She loved David but she wasn’t in love with him, and she just didn’t love him enough to see herself with him for the rest of her life. It simply became unfair for her to stay with him at that point.

“What’s your point, Luke?”

“You know what it is, Hales. If you want things easy, then by all means, quit. End things with Nathan for good. Then find someone like David. Someone to have an easy relationship with.”

She frowned. “That’s not fair.”

“It’s life, Hales,” Lucas countered. He shifted so that he was now facing her directly on the lounge chair. “Look, if things were supposed to be easy, we’d all be happy and content all the time. No one would ever fight. . .there’d be no crime. . .or war. . .or sickness or the thousands of other screwed-up things in the world. And wanting things easy only makes you settle. . .and I could never be happy for you with that.” He smiled gently. “You deserve the best, Hales. The best. . .not second best. You deserve more than to just settle for something because it’s easy. . .or because going after the best is too hard.”

She looked down. She knew Lucas was right. But after these last few months, it was hard to convince herself to believe, not just know, that he was right. “It would hurt less.”

Lucas sighed softly as he pulled her towards him, wrapping her in a comforting embrace. “I know. But it only hurts less when you feel less.”

She leaned her head on his shoulder. He was right. As badly as she could hurt being with Nathan was also as deliriously happy as she could feel with him. There were lows, but unimaginable highs too.

“Besides, haven’t you ever thought that the best things are hard because it makes you value it more? The things you really have to work for makes you appreciate them so much more.” He squeezed her shoulder. “The best, Hales. In what this life has to offer you. . .and that’s Nathan. I’ve never seen you happier with anyone else. Don’t tell me you didn’t appreciate your relationship with him more after you got back together at the end of college. Don’t tell me you weren’t happier then. . .knowing what you had and what you found again.”

He smiled. “You know, if I had to pick a guy for you, it’d be Nathan. And no, not because he’s my brother, but because I’ve seen him with you. I’ve always thought that you needed a guy who treats you well. . .who will take care of you and protect you, but at the same time, challenge you. That’s Nathan.” He nudged her gently. “And I don’t really have to tell you how good you are for him do I?"

“The stuff you’re talking about. . .that’s just life happening. I mean Nathan’s injury. . .Keith’s death. . .the car accident. Neither of you were responsible for any of that. That’s the whole ‘randomness of life’ thing. There’s no rhyme or reason for it Hales. And it’s certainly not a sign that it’s not meant to be. . .or that you should quit.”

He pulled her closer. “You’ll never forgive yourself if you just quit, Hales. If you really want to end things with Nathan, do it because it’s what you feel is right. . .because you know in your heart it’s not gonna work. . .that it can’t work no matter how much you try. But don’t quit because it’s going to be hard. I can guarantee you it will be. Life happens. . .that’s why bad things happen for no reason that you can figure out. But that has nothing to do with what you feel. . .and what you do about those feelings.”

She closed her eyes, letting everything that he said sink in. She was too emotional and tired to think of it all now, but there was something that she had wanted to ask Lucas for years. And she figured now was as a good a time as any. She looked at her best friend questioningly. “How come you’re always pushing me and Nathan together?”

“What?”

“You know what I mean. Every time we have a problem and I’m complaining to you. . .or when things are bad. . .you’re always pushing for us to work it out. And during college, you were the one who kept getting the three of us to hang out together. . ..no matter how much Nathan and I protested. What’s up with the matchmaking?”

“Matchmaking? I’m not matchmaking. Is it wrong that I just want to see my brother and best friend happy?”

“Come on, Luke.”

He sighed and looked away. “O.K. Maybe I have pushed at times.” He turned back to her and smiled slightly. “Let’s just say, I want to see the curse end. And you guys have the best shot at doing that.”

“Curse?" She looked at him in confusion. "What curse?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this Hales, but people in this family, and by people, I mean guys with the last name ‘Scott’ tend to screw up their relationships really, really badly. And then everyone’s miserable. Look at Dan, my mom, Deb, Keith. I figure the second generation should do better.”

“Luke, there’s no curse. Come on that’s-“

“What? You can believe in alleged signs from the universe telling you how to run your love life but I can’t believe in a curse?”

She couldn’t help smiling. She shoved him lightly. “You’re a pain in the ass.”

“Right back at you buddy,” he replied with a smile. “Seriously Hales. . .I just want to see you happy. You and Nathan. Especially after everything. Nobody deserves it more.” He nudged her gently with his shoulder. “And maybe there’s no curse, but you and Nathan have had the happiest and healthiest relationship within the Scott family. Do you realize what an accomplishment that is? If you want a sign. . .take that as a sign.”

~*~

*****Flashback*****

There was something about the sound of a basketball bouncing in an empty gym that didn’t seem quite. ..right. It had a lonely dissonance that she hated. Like it was unnatural without other people around. . .to play with. . .to cheer those players on.

But in this case, it made finding Nathan easier for her. She just followed the eerie sound into the gym named after the beloved basketball coach of the Tree Hill Ravens. Someone who had managed to survive coaching not only Nathan and Lucas but Dan and Keith as well.

I should talk to Coach Durham to find out his secret on dealing with the Scott men she thought wryly.

The gym doors were open, but the gym was barely lit and empty except for one person. She spotted him immediately. He was at the far end of the gym, facing the basket and dribbling the ball but making no move to shoot. She watched him for several minutes and again, was struck by how different he was now.

Nathan always had a certain devil-may-care attitude that made him irresistible and attractive to so many. . .not just the girls, although they seemed particularly susceptible to that aspect of his personality. In recent months, however, he seemed to have lost that. It was as if his shoulders seemed to droop more with each passing day. . .as if his step seemed to have lost that ‘bounce.’ And she couldn’t remember the last time she saw that sparkle in his eyes. She was sure that anyone who had heard of Nathan Scott would never describe him as ‘sad’ and yet that was the word that most often sprung to mind now when she watched him. . .when she thought of him.

And what hurt the most about these changes in Nathan, was the fact that she seemed to be the cause of it all.

Suddenly, Nathan took a few steps back and fired the ball at the basket. It clanged off the rim and bounced dully away. Nathan looked at the ball for a beat before he uttered a loud expletive that seemed to vibrate off the walls of the gym. As soon as he had uttered the words, he spotted her and instantly, he shifted.

He became stonily calm again. If she hadn’t just witnessed it, she would never have believed that he had just lost his cool seconds ago because the person standing in front of her had the exact same demeanor as a stone statute.

“Haley.” Even his voice seemed devoid of emotions these days.

“Hey,” she said softly, coming further into the gym. “I was, uh, looking for you.”

He nodded and moved towards the bleachers where his backpack was. “I was gonna call, I just. . .”

His words trailed off as he started to put his backpack on. That was something else that had occurred too frequently in the past months. Unfinished sentences. Incompleted thoughts. Discontinued conversations. Somehow it became normal for them to leave things unsaid. . .unresolved.

“Come on,” he said, moving towards the door. “Let’s get out of here.”

She sidestepped him and went to retrieve the ball. She heard him sigh heavily and say her name behind her but she ignored it and walked over to pick up the ball. She held it for a second, feeling the worn grooves of the basketball in her hands, before she turned and tossed it to him. Instinctively he caught it. . .effortlessly. . .naturally.

“You miss it don’t you?”

His face darkened for a second before the stony façade fell back in place. “What are you doing, Haley?”

“Do you?” she persisted.

He dropped the ball, letting it roll towards the bleachers. “This is pointless.”

“Just answer me!” she demanded impatiently.

“What the hell are you doing, Haley?” he demanded, his voice sharp. And yet she welcomed it. Anything but the stone figure that she usually confronted. “What’s the point in me missing something that I can’t do anymore? What’s the point? You want an answer? Fine! Yes, I miss it. Does that make you happy? Can we get out of here now?”

He turned and began walking towards the exit but she was determined to finish this conversation. They were going to finish a conversation even if it killed them both. “Nathan!”

He stopped but didn’t around. “Later, OK? Let’s do this later.”

“No,” she said stubbornly. “We’ll just pretend nothing happened later. We’ll go home, you’ll park yourself in front of the TV, I’ll retreat to our bedroom. Then we’ll eat dinner in silence before you go back to the TV or go hang out with Tim or one of the guys. I’ll spend the rest of the night by myself. You’ll wait until I fall asleep before you come to bed. . .that is if you decide not to sleep on the couch. And then we’ll wake up and do it all over again. We’ve done it for months now. I’m tired of it.”

He said nothing, still keeping his back turned to her. She was trying so hard to keep her emotions in check so that they could have a civilized conversation. . .a real conversation. . .but it was quickly becoming apparent to her that they had forgotten how. It seemed like they only had two settings these days. . .screaming anger or stony silence.

“Will you please say something?” she pleaded after the silence continued to stretch interminably between them.

“You’re the one who wanted to talk.”

She stared at his back, frustration and anger building inside of her. She had a feeling he wasn’t going to be cooperative, and yet, knowing it and seeing it were two different things. “That attitude’s not helping things.”

“My attitude?” He spun around angrily. “My attitude’s not helping things?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He stared at her for a long beat before he shook his head. “Never mind.”

“No! I’m sick of us not talking about things. Of censoring ourselves!” She exhaled loudly. “Damn it, Nathan! We’re married! We’re supposed to talk about things!”

“What do you want to talk about Haley? Huh? What?” He waved his hands around the empty gym. “The end of my basketball career? The lousy state of our marriage? Keith and my mother? You siding with Lucas? Huh?”

“I never sided with Lucas! There are no sides!”

He looked like he was about to say something, but she saw him struggle to control it and then his stony mask fell back into place. “Whatever. I don’t want to do this. Not here.”

She felt the tears behind her eyes and blinked rapidly to ward them off. “Then where? When? Are we just gonna pretend that the way things are, is how it’s supposed to be?”

“Why are we talking about this anyway?” he demanded. “I thought we agreed on this.”

She shook her head. “No, we didn’t. You decided.”

“And you didn't say anything! What are the other options, Haley?” He looked at her accusingly. “I didn’t see you come up with any! What would you have me do? Devote all my time to rehab? Then what would we do for money? Do you want to drop out of school and support us?”

“I don’t know!” she cried. “I just know that we should have talked this over. You didn’t have to take the job your father offered you! You didn’t have to quit basketball! You could have at least talked to me about it!”

“Would the result have been any different?”

“That’s not the point!” She looked at him angrily. “Whatever happens to you happens to me! Don’t you get that? You can’t just make these decisions on your own!”

“I was trying to do what’s best for us!”

“This is best for us?” she countered incredulously. “Does this feel like it’s best for us?

“Fine! Let’s talk about it! You don’t want me to work at my Dad’s dealership? So what are we going to do for money? Should I go back for half the money working at some place in the mall? Or are you going to take on full time hours at the Café?”

She looked down, hoping the action could give her some time to reign in her emotions. “This isn’t-“

“If you have a better idea then let’s hear it! Until then, working with my Dad at the dealership is the best option I have.”

“The best option you have?”

He expelled an impatient breath. “Fine. We have!”

“No it’s not.” She looked around the gym. “I know you miss this. Miss playing. I-“

“Just drop it Haley!” He turned towards the exit once more. “Let’s just go.”

“No! You’re miserable, Nathan. I know you are. And I. . .I am too! This just isn’t working any more!”

“Me going back to basketball isn’t going to fix things.”

“How do you know? You haven’t even tried to-“

He whirled around. “And suppose I do try? We’re still in the same place. How do we support ourselves? Huh? I don’t have the time to do rehab, school and work!”

“You mean you don’t have time because you’re married to me.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Is that what you meant?” she asked, her voice surprisingly calm. He didn’t answer, which of course, was an answer. At least to her. “Right.”

“What is this?” he asked, his eyes boring into hers. “You didn’t mind me not playing basketball anymore a few months ago. Now all of a sudden you want me to try and go back? Why?”

The answer popped into her head. The answer that she had been grappling with. . .had been terrified of in the last few weeks. The answer she didn’t want to be true but which was fast becoming her reality in the last few weeks. She looked away, avoiding his perceptive eyes, but she had hesitated for just too long.

From the look on his face and his sharp intake of breath, she knew he had ‘seen’ the answer in her eyes. And she hated herself for it in that moment. Because she knew that she had just hurt him as bad as anyone ever could or would. Perhaps worse because it was her.

“Nathan, I didn’t-“

He turned and walked away. “I’m going home.”

*****End Flashback*****

“Haley?”

His voice behind her jolted her back to the present. She turned around and smiled slightly. “Hi.” He was standing by the open patio doors, his hands jammed into his jeans and his expression wary. “Um, I was wondering if we could talk?” He remained standing by the patio door. “No yelling this time. Promise.”

His expression remained wary but he moved to join her out on the patio of the beach house. There was a soft breeze blowing in from the ocean and carried the scent of the sea air with it. She gestured towards two padded patio chairs facing each other and after a beat, he settled into one of them.

Taking a deep breath, she settled into the other. Neither said anything at first. She was composing her suddenly jumbled thoughts, and he was staring out at the ocean. She looked at him, trying to see if she could ‘read’ him but she couldn’t,. She could, however, see that he looked incredibly tired. His hair was disheveled, there was a day’s growth of whiskers on his face and there was a weariness in how he carried himself that made her heart ache.

She cleared her throat, drawing his attention back to her. “Um. . .” She sighed. “God. This is harder than I thought. . .and I had a whole speech prepared and everything.”

“Look, Haley, we don’t-“

She cut him off gently. “Yeah, we do.”

So do it, the little voice in her head told her. She sighed, looking down, as if somehow she would find not only the words to convey what she wanted, but the courage to do so, somewhere on the ground near her feet. “I’m sorry. . .about the other day.”

“It’s OK,” he returned.

“No, it’s not. I mean, in a way, I’m glad it happened because those things needed to come out. I just, uh, I could have said things. . .better.”

“So could I.”

She shook her head. “That’s not. . .I, uh, actually wanted to talk to you about. . .us.”

Once again, his expression grew wary. “Look, Haley, I didn’t-“

“About our divorce.” He looked at her in surprise, but said nothing. She awkwardly pointed at his right hand, which was fidgeting with his left hand in his lap. He looked at her questioningly and she smiled gently before she reached out and took his right hand in both of her much smaller ones. She turned his hand over to the side and fingered the small, almost faded scar that ran along the edge of his wrist. “You ever wonder how you got this scar?”

He looked down at scar and shrugged. “Not really. It’s just one of many.”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “Um. . .you got this your senior year in high school.” She looked off into the distant, letting the memory come back to her. “It was the third game of the season. Nobody expected it to be eventful. You were playing a school that you routinely beat, and with you and Lucas finally playing in sync, Tree Hill was pretty much invincible. Then in the uh, second half, you were going for a um,. . .rebound. . .and an opposing player hit you on the way down and you fell. Really hard. And you landed squarely on this wrist.”

She grimaced slightly. “You broke it. Crushed part of the bone actually which uh, caused some nerve damage. They operated on it but the doctors didn’t think you’d be able to play basketball again.” She smiled wryly. “Obviously they were wrong.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

She finally released his hand. “You know, being with you in the last 3 years, seeing you start to make a name for yourself in the NBA, I really thought that I was over the whole basketball thing. . .that I had accepted its part in your life, but apparently not if in my drunken state, I blamed the collapse of our marriage on it.”

“So basketball didn’t break us up?”

She shook her head. “No. It’s, uh, something else actually. Something I thought I got over a long time ago.”

He looked at her, confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Basketball was. . .a catalyst,” she said slowly. “It kind of um. . .bought the problems that were there between us to the front and made us deal with them. And we didn’t, uh, deal with it very well.”

She stopped and drew in another deep breath. He had broken eye contact with her and was staring back out at the ocean again. “When you were injured and told that you might not be able to play again, it was devastating but you actually took it pretty well. Which I thought was odd because I thought basketball was your life. . .or a big part of your life.”

“It wasn’t?”

“It was important but I. ..overestimated its importance.” She sighed. “You decided not to undergo the extensive rehabilitation process. I mean it was expensive and we didn’t really have insurance but your father offered to pay for it. And you turned him down. Instead, you decided to focus on school and to work more. To take care of me.”

Nathan was looking down at his hands, not saying anything but she knew he was listening to her. That was probably for the best, she thought. What she needed to say next was hard enough without having to look into those blue eyes of his that seemed to see into her very soul. “You were willing to sacrifice so much for me, Nathan.” He looked up then and she forced herself to look into his eyes so that he could see the emotions behind her words. “Too much I thought. And I. . .I got scared.”

She sighed. “I thought you were giving up too much and I just. .”

“What?” he prompted.

“Just now, before you came out here, I was thinking back to one of our last fights. You were in the high school gym and you looked so. . .natural there. Like it’s where you belong and even though you admitted that you missed playing it, you were still convinced that you working so that I could focus on my studies was the best option for us. Even if it meant that you were working at the dealership.” She looked away, the pain of that memory still fresh after all these years.

“I was pushing you to try rehab and get back to basketball and when you asked me why. . .I didn’t say anything but you saw the answer in my eyes.” She looked back at him. “It wasn’t even really the answer. . .just something that scared me. . .and given everything. . .it came to the surface and when you saw it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so hurt before.”

He looked at her a beat before looking away. “What was it?”

“I was scared that you were going to become your father. . .scared that you already were. That’s why I wanted you to go back to basketball. To change things.”

“Change what?” he asked, sounding confused.

She sighed. How easy it was to forget what he could and couldn’t remember. “Uh. . .do you remember why your Dad never went pro?”

He nodded. “Since I was a little kid, he would bring that up regularly. He blew out his knee right?”

“Yes. . .and no.” So many things he didn’t know. . .so many things to hurt him. “Um, you kind of found out later that your Dad. . .lied about his knee injury. He made it seem worse than it was because he couldn’t take your grandfather bullying him about basketball anymore, especially since he wasn’t performing as well as expected in college. He saw the injury as an ‘out’ and took it.”

The shock was clear in his eyes. “That was all a lie?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Wow,” he said softly. She decided to give him some time to absorb the news and let the conversation slip into silence. A few seconds later, however, Nathan looked up at her, his eyes questioning. “And I was turning into my father?”

“No!” Her denial was swift and sure. She closed her eyes, taking a moment to gather her thoughts to explain this to him. “No. You weren’t Nathan. Not at all. It was just. . .” She sighed, wondering why this was still so hard. “Right around then, that’s when the truth about your Mom and Keith came out. Everything was. . .really messed up. You and Lucas were fighting again and I was caught in the middle. And it looked like you were falling back under your father’s influence and I was. . .I was scared. . .and overwhelmed.”

“You couldn’t ever be your father, Nathan. And deep down, I knew that. But with everything. . .I mean how all our lives got so tangled and complicated at that point and everything and everyone seemed so screwed up. Then when you got injured and decided to just quit basketball and go work for your father, I couldn’t help. . .actually that’s not true. I could help it but I didn’t. So I saw the similarities and just jumped to conclusions. . .very wrong conclusions.”

“You were so hurt,” she said softly, thinking back to that day yet again. “That was something that you never wanted. . .to become your father. . .to make his mistakes and have his regrets. So when you saw that fear in my eyes. . .” She looked away, unable to face him then. “I was the person who was supposed to believe in you. . .who was supposed to reassure you. . .the one who would never see Dan Scott in you.” She fought to keep the tears in check. “After that, we just couldn’t fix anything anymore. We ended up separating a few weeks later.”

She looked at him but he was looking down, his hands fidgeting in his lap. She willed herself to go on. “That wasn’t even the worst part.” He glanced up at her quickly. “The worst part was that, when we separated, I felt. . .even if it was just for a brief time. . .I felt. . .relieved.”.

His blue eyes flashed and she forced herself to meet them. “I hated myself for that. How could I be relieved about losing you? About losing our marriage? But I did. . .because for that brief instant, I stopped feeling so overwhelmed. . .so scared. Like I didn’t have to worry about you or your life anymore. Didn’t have to worry about getting caught up in the family drama anymore. I could be free.”

“I never told you that before,” she said softly. “Not even after we reconciled. I guess I’ve always felt so. . .so guilty about it. I think I always will. I mean I told myself it was good, because you went back to basketball and you ended up leading the team to the State championships. And when you won, I told myself that I did the right thing because look at you. . .you were already changing things since your Dad never won a State championship.”

She grimaced. “It was all bull of course. Just things to try and convince myself that I wasn’t being selfish. . .that I hadn’t hurt you so badly. That I didn’t just throw you back to the wolves so that I could feel free. . .to stop feeling so overwhelmed.”

She sighed. “So basketball didn’t really have anything to do with it. It was me. Basketball was just an. . .easy target. It gave me something to focus on. I could rationalize that having you give it up would only make you resent me and turn us into carbon copies of your parents.” She shook her head. “That’s not it. I just. . .I didn’t know how to deal with it all. When you gave up basketball, I thought that you were making such a huge sacrifice for me and it was too overwhelming. I mean I looked at it like you were giving up not only your dream but a huge part of yourself. And here I was. . .a mass of fears, doubts and insecurities. I just. . .I didn’t feel like I deserved you doing that. And I didn't know how to tell you any of this, so I tried to get you to go back.” She scoffed. “Didn’t really work out did it? So me blaming basketball. . .or your parents. . .or the universe even was just easier than blaming myself.”

“That’s why I said what I did when I was drunk. . .it was really the guilt I still feel for giving up on you back then. On us.” She made a face. “Funny how I was going to make the same mistake a day ago.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was going to give up again.” She met his eyes. “Your father was right. Your accident gave you. . .gave me. . .a chance to stop running in circles. To change things. But we haven’t. . .not really. And we need to.” She drew in a deep breath. . .hoping it would give her the boost of strength and resolve that she needed. “And I have to do it this time.”

“Haley, what-“

She shifted so that she was facing him directly, making it hard for him to avoid her eyes. “You have been the one who has always had the most faith in us. You were always so strong. . .so confident about us. . .about us being together no matter what.” She smiled. “And even now. . .you’re still the strong, confident one.”

“No, I-“

“But you shouldn’t be,” she said quietly. “You can’t be.”

“Haley-“

“Because you need to focus on something else.” She sought his eyes and then held them. “You have to focus on yourself, Nathan. You have to figure out who you are. . .what you want.”

“What are you-“

“You know this already. We were really young when we got married. And at that age, you have so many things to figure out. . .what to do with your life. . .what your goals are. . .how to reach them. . .when and how to do it all. You’re also trying to figure out who you are. That’s all really hard on your own. . .it’s twice as hard when you also have to consider another person and their goals and dreams.”

“You know, I think I’ve gained some self-awareness since high school.” She chuckled deprecatingly. “At least I would hope so.” She grew serious again. “See. . .the reason I felt so scared and overwhelmed when we were married was because I wasn’t sure of myself yet. And I wasn’t sure of us because of that. When things got really bad, I just. . .I just didn’t think I had the. . .strength to help you through it. To help us through it.”

“I didn’t have a strong enough. . .sense of myself to realize that I could never, no matter what, end up like your mother. Just like you could never turn into your father. Or that I could be what you needed and that I. . .that we. . .were worth whatever sacrifices either of us had to make.” Her voice was quiet but there was a confidence there that surprised even her. But she knew it was true. Her talk with Lucas helped to shift her perspective. They really had been through so much, and here she was, still standing. . .and she was stronger. And she knew that she had strength enough for the both of them now. “ I know better now. That’s because I know me better now.” She looked at him. “And you need that, Nathan.”

“We lost sight of something in the past few months.” She smiled slightly. “You’re still recovering. I mean physically you’re fine. . .even better than fine, but. . .but mentally and emotionally. . .you still have things that you need to figure out.” She paused. “And you need to do that. On your own.” She felt him draw back at her words. “Nathan-“

“Where are you going to take off to now?” His voice was distant, and his expression impassive.

She fought against her initial reaction to him, reminding herself that she needed to do something here. It was vital, not only for Nathan, but for them as well. So she would do it. . .not matter how hard it was. “Running in circles.” He looked up at her, his expression curious for a brief, passing instant. “That’s what we’re doing. It’s funny really. Here we are. . .in this weird, crazy, and completely uncharted territory, and yet. . .we still have the same problems and issues. Only it seems like we switched places.” She expelled a soft breath. “When we were married, I wasn’t sure of who I was. . .I doubted myself a lot back then. I wasn’t sure who ‘Haley James’ was because I was either the baby of the James clan. . .or Lucas’ best friend. . .or the smart geeky girl in school who tutored. . .or your wife. And when those ‘identities’ started to either fade or collapse. . .I was left with. . .a lot of doubts and insecurities and look at how that affected us.”

“Now you’re where I was. .probably worse. You have to figure out who you are. . .now.” She reached out and touched his hand gently, drawing his attention fully to her. “You said something that struck me the other day. . .you think of yourself before the accident as this other person. If you really think of it that way, then you have to figure out who the person you are now is, Nathan. Because unless you do that. . .no matter what happens between us. . .we’re going to end up in the same place.” She smiled wryly. “That’s the only upside of running in circles. . .you know where you’ll end up eventually.”

“And there’s so much for you to figure out. Not only basketball, but your parents. . .your friends. . .your interests. . .goals. . .dreams.” She sighed. “Me.”

He made eye contact but quickly looked away. Again, she fought against her initial gut reaction. It did make things harder though. But she reminded herself of her conversation with Lucas. She had to take this risk. Because ultimately, she knew that Lucas was right. And so was Karen. . .and even Deb. There were things worth fighting for. . .things that were unbearably hard at times, but the rewards were more than worth the struggle. But to do so, she had to follow her heart. . .even if it meant that she had to expose herself completely. . .that she had to risk everything. Because she knew that she would regret this. If she didn’t do this now, this would probably be the thing that would finally and permanently etch upon her that sadness she sees in both Deb and Karen.

Besides, it was her turn. Since her conversation with Lucas, and after hours of contemplation, she had realized that in the course of their relationship, Nathan had been the one who had taken the risks. . .who had really fought for them. He was the one who had kissed her. . .which had first started them on this incredible journey. He had risked his heart with her by telling her he loved her and had expected nothing in return. He was the one who had proposed marriage. He was the one who had taken the first step in their reconciliation. And even after his accident, he was still the one who took the risks. He followed her here. He wanted to start things new.

If she really wanted to change course. . .to stop running in the same circles. . .then she had to take the risk this time. She had to be the one to put herself out there. Completely open and vulnerable.

She had to be the fighter. . .the believer. . .the risk-taker now.

“I love you.” Her voice was soft, but strong. Certain. His eyes jerked towards her, shock and surprise dancing across them. “I always have. I’ve loved you since I was 16 and that has never changed. . .not through our divorce. . .or even your accident.”

His eyes darkened as he let that sink in, and she knew that he understood what she meant because if her words weren’t clear. . .then her feelings were. . .and they were openly shining from her eyes, and Nathan could still read her as well as ever.

“I didn’t know this back then, but I know it now, and I want to remind you of it,” she continued, her gaze commanding his own. There was no shield in place now. There was nothing between them but what she felt. It was scary, and yet, it was also. . .liberating. She knew that no matter what, when she looked back on this, she would never regret this, never wonder ‘what if,’ and that was something that didn’t always happen in life with all its unpredictability. “Us being together is not an ‘either or’ deal. It’s not me or your family. Or me or basketball. Or me or anything else. It’s just me.”

“If you never want to play basketball again, then that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. And it won’t affect anything else either. You’re set. . .money-wise, you’re set. All your contracts are guaranteed and everything else. . .the houses, the cars, everything. . .it’s taken care of. So you need to make that decision for yourself. Just you alone.”

“That goes for your family and anything else.” She smiled slightly. “You’re right, your father and I have a. . .difficult relationship but if you wanted to get to know him again, then that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. You just have to make that decision for yourself. Just for you."

She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes but her voice remained steady. “And if you decide that you don’t want a relationship with me, then. . .then that’s fine too. Because I love you enough to want you to be happy. . .with everything.” She felt a tear escape and run down her cheek but her expression remained unwavering. “When you were in a coma, all I wanted was for you to be OK. . .I mean completely and utterly OK. And I still want that and if that means us not being together then. . .that's what needs to happen."

“You don’t owe me anything, Nathan. Except to get well. . .completely well. And the only way you can do that is if you figure these things out.” She smiled despite the tears now trickling down her face. “Don’t get me wrong, this is actually hurting like hell but I know that in the end, if you’re well and happy, then things are exactly what they should be.”

“Haley. . .”

“It’s OK. Really. And uh, this may seem like really lousy timing but I, um, I’m headed back to Sacramento later today. I’ve. . . decided to go ahead with the basketball camp.” She held up a hand. “Don’t worry, you still don’t have to do anything. . .not unless you want to. I should, uh, be back in a week or so. If you need anything, you can call. . .or not.”

She touched his cheek tenderly. “I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

They sat there, blue eyes swirling with emotions locked onto brown, teary ones emanating love. Neither moved or said anything for long moments. Finally, she leaned over and hugged him, trying to put all her emotions into that embrace. She closed her eyes, trying to memorize every detail of that moment, wondering if it would be the last time she’d be that close to him. She let her hand linger in his hair, as she pressed her cheek against him, inhaling the scent of him, and savoring the feel of his body against hers.

She felt his arms come around her waist to return her embrace and for just a second, she allowed herself to melt into his arms. . .to get lost in the feeling of being held by him. And then, ruthlessly, she forced herself to pull back. She smiled gently at him before she stood up and retrieved her bag from the table.

“I’ll see you.” She gave him one last smile before she walked back inside. It wasn’t until she was outside by her car that everything hit her and she felt herself begin to shake. But even then, she knew that she had done the right thing. She had risked it all and no matter what, it was worth it.

Love was worth it.

Chapters 17

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