By Kate
CHAPTER Seventeen - CONCLUSION – What Was Always There
*****Flashback*****
“Nathan?”
He turned around in surprise to find her standing there, looking at him questioningly. “Hey.”
“Hey.” She squinted in the early morning sun. “I, uh, didn’t expect to see you here.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. Then silence descended as it often did between them now. Where they used to be able to talk to each other, almost effortlessly, a chasm now existed. One that seemingly couldn’t be bridged.
After a few seconds had passed, she moved over to join him by the river’s edge. “Um. . .what are you doing here?”
He continued to stare at the rolling river. In the winter, it had a dull, grey look, as if all life had dispersed from its depth. But in late spring, as it was now, the river seemed bluer. . .more vibrant. It was beautiful, but today, he preferred the gray bleakness of the winter river. “I’m leaving.”
He felt her reaction before she even said anything. “T-today?”
He nodded, still not facing her, although he could feel her eyes boring into him. “I, uh. . .was gonna stop by the Café to. . . .” His voice trailed off. To what? Say goodbye? Hadn’t they already done that? But still, he knew that neither would leave Tree Hill without seeing the other first. Divorced or not.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her turn back to look at the river. “Good thing I ran into you here then. I wasn’t planning on going into the Café today.”
“Why not?” he asked. It was nice, these moments. When he didn’t have to struggle to find the words. When his response was ‘dictated’ by the natural flow of a conversation. And it was so rare these days. . .for them to have a conversation, much less one that flowed naturally. Still, in these small, fleeting moments, it gave him a glimpse. . .of what used to be. It gave his heart a shred of hope that things hadn’t been irreparably damaged between them.
She turned then, and he felt compelled to meet her gaze. “Not up to it.”
“Yeah. Graduation was. . . .” He stopped searching for the words again.
“Not really what I expected,” she finished softly.
They stared at each other, all that had happened passing between them, and both had to look away. Their wounds still too fresh. . .too painful. “Yeah.”
At the start of their senior year, he certainly hadn’t expected for them to graduate the way that they had. With them barely on speaking terms and the ceremony, instead of feeling joyous, had felt sad and mournful. The whole thing was bittersweet and strange and disconcerting. He’d never imagined that the end of his high school career would coincide with the end of his marriage. . .with the end of his relationship with Haley.
In a perverse and morbid kind of way, it was fitting.
Again, silence descended between them. And for the umpteenth time since they had split, he couldn’t help but wonder how they had ever reached this point.
You remember, that voice in his head told him.
“Haley, I-“
“How come-“ she began at the same time.
They both stopped and smiled awkwardly. “Go ahead,” he prompted.
She looked at him a beat before turning back towards the water. “How come you’re leaving today? School doesn’t begin until August.”
“I’m going to Raleigh actually. I volunteered to help out at a basketball camp there for a couple of weeks before I head to Maryland to start freshmen orientation.”
“Oh.” She stared at the water, her expression not yielding anything. Still, he tried to get a ‘read’ on her. He used to be able to do that so well. . . .almost instinctively. But now, it felt like he read her all wrong. . .that is when he could do it at all. “That sounds. . . .great. I’m. . .glad.”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “Listen, Haley, I. . .”
She turned and faced him. “What?”
He stared down into those big, expressive brown eyes of hers. Eyes that used to light up with such love and joy upon seeing him, but now seemed permanently clouded over with guilt and sadness. He felt his heart constrict before his defenses went up and what he wanted to say quickly slipped away from him. Besides, this was what she wanted, he told himself. This was all that he could give her now. “I. . .it’s. . .nothing.”
She searched his face, before she nodded and looked away. “Yeah.”
He sighed softly, once again wondering how they had ever gotten here. He had never thought that when he had first met her here a little over a year and a half ago for their very first ‘secret’ tutoring session, when she had both annoyed and intrigued him with that weird ‘I am math’ speech of hers, that they would embark on the journey that they had. Nor would he have predicted that they would be standing here today, more distance between them now than had existed back then.
She cleared her throat, drawing his attention back to her. “I should. . .go. I’m. . .” She stopped and smiled. . .or at least she tried to but her smile looked more like a grimace. “Have a safe trip to Raleigh. . . and good luck with the camp. . .and college.” She sighed, looking down. “Everything.”
He felt his defenses begin to slip away. It was so easy around her. Still. . .and in spite of everything. His defense mechanisms protected his heart. . .something that was borne of necessity, given how and with whom he had grown up. But around Haley. . .his heart never felt the need to be protected. It felt safe.
And a part of it felt that way now. Still. . .in spite of everything.
“You too, Hales,” he said softly, seeking to meet her eyes. Finally, she looked up and their eyes locked, and for that instant, it was as it should be. No hurt or guilt between them. Just what was always there. . .what he could still feel was there, but was now buried under too many things left unsaid. . .issues seemingly too difficult to resolve.
She nodded before she moved to turn away, but stopped suddenly. “Nathan?” He looked at her questioningly. “You know that I. . ..” She stopped and looked down for a second before looking back up at him. “I just. . .I want what’s best for you. That’s all I ever wanted and I. . .” Her voice cracked and she bit her lip and looked back down.
He felt his defenses slip away completely then. All the feelings between them coupled with the realization that this could well be the last time he would see her. . .for who knows how long. . .made him reach out to her.
“Haley.” She looked back up with tear-filled eyes. Wordlessly, he reached for her. She hesitated for the barest of fractions before she willingly stepped into his arms.
They stood there in that embrace for long moments. Neither said anything, for words didn’t seem to help them much these days. And he didn’t need to hear the words, because he already knew. And somehow, despite the anger, pain, and sadness. . .somehow, his heart still harbored that shred of hope.
*****End Flashback*****
~*~
“Hey man.” He turned to see Lucas walking slowly up to him. He nodded in greeting as he hopped off the picnic table. Lucas stopped a few feet away from him and looked around. “How come you wanted to meet here?”
He looked around as well. The River Court hadn’t changed much from what he remembered. The memories he had of this place seemed filtered through some photo lenses. He didn’t actually remember being on these courts. He never really had any need to come here when he was younger. There was a half-court in his back yard, and thanks to his father’s membership, he had practiced and played basketball in the exclusive gym downtown. Still, he remembered wanting to know what it was like to play here. . .by the river on this rickety looking court with the torn basketball net.
He did remember seeing Lucas playing basketball with friends here. He remembered Lucas and his friends always seemed to have such fun while playing. And while he remembered loving the game, even at a young age, he had felt the pressure to live up to expectations. . .his father’s, the family’s. . .the world even. Being Dan Scott’s son had made playing basketball something much more than just fun and games.
He turned back to Lucas. “Just wanted to talk to you about something.”
“She’s doing good, man.”
He smiled at Lucas’ preemptive answer. “That’s great, but I, uh, wanted to talk about. . .something else actually.”
“O.K.” he agreed, although his voice was cautious.
“I know we weren’t. . .close until later, but um, after Haley and I. . .split, did I. . .I mean did we. . .talk?”
Lucas was clearly surprised by his question. “What do you mean ‘talk’? You mean about Haley?”
“Yeah.”
Lucas sighed and then moved over to the picnic table and climbed up on the tabletop, propping his feet on the bench. He remained standing, watching his brother carefully. “Uh. . .you and I were having some. . .issues around the time you and Haley split up.”
“’Cause of Keith and my mom?”
“Partly,” said Lucas. “But mostly ‘cause our family’s f*cked up and sometimes, it’s just hard to get a handle on it all.”
“Yeah, it is, isn’t it?”
Lucas nodded then sighed. “But to answer your question, yeah, we did talk. At least we started to again after you came to see me.”
“When?”
“The day before the State championship.” Lucas glanced at him and smiled slightly. “It was here actually. I was out here, practicing and to be honest, sort of having a nervous breakdown.”
“How come?” he asked, both amused and curious.
“’Cause it was the State championships.” Lucas looked at him seriously. “There was a lot of pressure on us. And I was putting even more pressure on myself.”
“’Cause of my, I mean our. . .Dan?”
Lucas’ eyes crinkled at his fumbling at finding a proper descriptive for Dan. “Not really. I mean yeah, he was as overbearing as usual but it was more because the year before. . .I missed the shot that knocked us out of contention so every playoff game, the pressure just kept building so by the time we got to the championship, I was starting to crack a little.”
“I can remember that kind of pressure.”
“Yeah, it drives you crazy if you let it. And I was letting it. I was out here, doing shooting drills and stupidly wearing myself out before the big game when you showed up.” Lucas shook his head. “We weren’t exactly getting along even though we played pretty well together. On the court, it was detached professionalism and off the court. . .we just tried to avoid each other.” Lucas smiled wryly. “It wasn’t ideal but at least we weren’t throwing balls at each other during games and having Whitey kick us off the team bus to make us walk our hostility off.”
“Anyway,” Lucas continued. “That’s why when you showed up that morning, I figured we were going to have it out. . .right then and there. All that suppressed hostility had to blow eventually.” He glanced at the river and chuckled. “I also thought that one of us would end up floating face down in that river. . .maybe both.” Lucas turned back and looked at him squarely in the eyes. “Imagine my surprise when you asked, nice and calmly, to talk. And then you were. . .oddly understanding. . .and encouraging.”
“About Haley?”
“No, the game,” Lucas replied. “You didn’t really want to talk about Haley. . .or rather you couldn’t.” His brother looked over at him. “I could tell you really wanted to talk about her. . .you just didn’t know how. And I didn’t know how to. . .let you.” Lucas shrugged. “It didn’t really matter anyway, because we did talk about her. . .just in a roundabout way.”
He paused, wondering if he should just come out and ask Lucas what he wanted to know. He sincerely liked his brother, and in the months since his coma, their bond had been strengthened. Even if he couldn’t remember how he had gotten to this point with Lucas, he could honestly say that he was glad they were now at this point. But there was still a lingering. . .unease and wariness on his part. One that made it hard for him to fully open up to Lucas.
“What’d I say to you about the game?” he asked, deciding that if the roundabout way worked last time, it could work again now.
“That it was just a game.” Lucas looked at him a beat and then turned and stared at the basketball hoop. “And you know what? You were right.” He sighed. “The thing is, I thought it was easy for you to say something like that. You grew up with ‘the legacy’ you know? You were the one who seemed destined for greatness. You didn’t let an injury stop you. . .or anything else. I always thought basketball was. . .too easy for you.” He smiled wryly. “Turns out, it wasn’t. It was actually harder for you. . .only because of everyone else’s expectations.”
“I didn’t get that until that morning,” Lucas continued softly. “You love this game, man. We both do. But for you, deep down, it’s always been just a game. You can live without it if you had to. Me? I was the opposite. Basketball was something else for me. . .a way to gain Dan’s approval. Others’ approval. A way to prove myself. A way to compete with you. That’s why I freaked out when I re-injured my shoulder in college. That’s why I-“
“Ran away?” he supplied with a smile.
Lucas chuckled. “O.K. Fine. Yeah.” He grew serious. “Weird how it turned out huh? You’re the NBA star. And I had to quit. But you know what? That’s how it’s supposed to be. I’ve learned that since working at UCLA. The kids I recruit who really have a love of the game but understand that it’s not the be-all and end-all of their worlds tend to be the ones who do the best at the college level. . .the ones who end up going pro. . . .the ones who lead fairly normal and happy lives.”
He took a moment to process Lucas’ words. Instinctively he knew Lucas was right. But then, why would he. . .? “Hey, um, did I. . .like being back on the team after my injury?”
Lucas narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. “Like being back? Do you mean did you like playing? Or do you mean were you happy?”
He shrugged. “Both.”
“You liked playing again. Playing this game. . .I mean just playing it. . .dribbling. . .shooting the ball. . .goofing around. . .you’ve always loved that. We both did. I still do. That’s why I subject myself to the humiliation of playing pick-up with our new recruits at the freshmen training camp.” Lucas smiled briefly. “Were you happy? You never actually said anything to me about it but. . .it didn’t take a genius to figure it out.”
He looked at his brother, understanding. He shook his head. “I don’t get it then. Why’d I go back? ‘Cause of Haley? She-“
“’It’s all I’ve got now.’”
“What?”
Lucas sighed softly. “I asked you the same thing that morning.” He shrugged. “I figured since we were currently in a ceasefire, it’d be a good time to ask those kinds of questions. And that’s what you said. . .’it’s all I’ve got now.’”
He nodded. Lucas was just confirming what he had suspected. Basketball had been a substitute.
“You were wrong, though,” Lucas said softly. “It wasn’t all you had. It never was. It still isn’t.”
They lapsed into silence as he pondered Lucas’ words. Again, he just knew Lucas was right. Basketball wasn’t the be-all and end-all of his life, but yet, he didn’t know where it fitted in the grand scheme of things. Or if it even fitted anymore. Since Haley’s ‘confession’ all he had been doing was thinking, and it really wasn’t getting him anywhere. Maybe just more confused.
“Hey,” Lucas said softly, drawing his attention back to him. “Are you going to quit?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know man. I just. . .I don’t know.”
“Whatever you decide though, it’ll be the right decision.”
He sighed, walking over and sitting down next to Lucas on the picnic table. “How do you know? I sure as hell don’t.”
Lucas looked at him, as if he were deciding on whether or not to tell him something. Finally, he expelled a long, slow breath and turned to look at the river. “At the end of the day, it’s just a game. You knew that even back then. . .even when you were playing for the wrong reasons.”
“The wrong reasons?”
“See, when you told me you were playing only because it was all you had left, I said the same thing, that it wasn’t. That you know, if you tried to work things out with Haley, it could work. ‘Cause look at us. We were talking instead of beating each other senseless right? But you said you couldn’t. . .that you wouldn’t.” Lucas shook his head. “At first I thought it was your pride talking you know? And I called you on it. . .and yeah, predictably, you wanted to beat my ass, but then you told me something that not only made me understand what you meant. . .but made me just forget all the stupid hostility between us.”
He looked at Lucas a beat before he said softly,
“What?”
“You were doing it for Haley. At first I thought you meant because that’s what she wanted for you, ‘cause I know she was pushing you to go back to basketball but it was something else.” Lucas sighed. “Look, man, I don’t know if telling you this is gonna make things worse for you or you know, confuse you even more about-“
“Tell me,” he commanded quietly.
Lucas glanced at him and sighed. “You were playing basketball because you knew it would make things easier for Haley. You told me that she would feel guilty otherwise, and you didn’t want that for her.” Lucas turned and looked at him. “You knew. I mean you knew she was pushing you back to basketball because she didn’t want you to end up like your father, so you did it. You didn’t agree with her, but you did it. You thought that if you were successful, then it’d make things easier for her. ..maybe lessen the guilt.”
Lucas shook his head. “And boy, were you determined to succeed. You were so focused it was scary. You finished your rehab in record time. I mean record time. No one thought you’d make it back that season, but you did. Even Dan was worried you were pushing yourself too hard.”
“And you didn’t stop with winning the State championships. You blazed your way through college, man. Remember those clippings we showed you before the press conference? That was like a third of it. You won every award imaginable. . .I mean you were one of the best collegiate players not only at Maryland but in the country.”
“Funny thing is, the more successful you were, the less happy you seemed. I mean after our talk that morning, we started growing close again and I would visit you at times, and you usually came home during winter and summer breaks, even if it was just for a short while and you were doing good but. . .not really happy.” Lucas smiled wryly. “It’s so ironic. . .everyone, and I mean everyone, me included, thought that you playing basketball was. . .your destiny. What you were supposed to do.” Lucas looked at him. “Basketball’s a game. . .not a destiny. And you playing it didn’t make you happy, at least not back then.. .and it didn’t ease Haley’s guilt any less.”
“It’s a game,” Lucas repeated. “Granted, it’s a game that’s given us really great lives, but it’s not what makes or breaks us you know? And it’s not the solution for other problems.” Lucas stared back out at the river rolling by. “Did you know you quit basketball once before?”
He looked at his brother in surprise. “I did?”
“Junior year. Just for a while. . .couple of weeks. You, uh. . .actually Dan was putting a lot of pressure on you and you. . .took some performance enhancers mixed with. . speed or something. You ended up collapsing on court and. . .nearly died. After that, you quit.”
“But I went back?”
“For the wrong reasons.” He gave Lucas a questioning look. “You told me later.. .we were starting to bond a bit after that because of Haley. . .anyway, you told me you wanted to go back to basketball to ‘beat’ Dan. You found out about his-“
“Exaggerated injury?”
Lucas nodded. “So that’s why you came back.” Lucas sighed. “Look, man. ..basketball’s been. . .dodging you for most of your life. You’ve quit and come back and quit before. . .just for the wrong reasons. That’s the thing about life. . .it has a way of making you deal with your issues no matter how often you try and run away from them.” A look of understanding passed between them. “If you quit. . .or come back this time for the wrong reaons. . .it’s not gonna be any different in the end you know?” Lucas punched him gently on the shoulder. “Just like I could have kept running from things. . .but it just. . .it doesn’t do any good. You gotta deal with your issues. . .or they just keep coming back at you.”
“Did you? Deal with your issues?”
Lucas chuckled. “Always trying to, man.”
Another look of understanding passed between them and they lapsed into silence. He considered Lucas’ words. How much did they mirror what Haley had said? What she had always said? He really did need to figure things out for himself. It was just. . .the more he thought things through. . .the more confused he seemed to grow.
“You have a chance,” Lucas said, quietly breaking their silence. “I said this to Haley a while back but. . .maybe your accident. . .it wasn’t all bad you know? You have a clean slate now. So you can. . .do things right. ..without all the past stuff muddling things you know? Our family’s. . .always gonna be f*cked up in a way. . .but I’ve learned that it really has nothing to do with you or me unless we let it. And Haley. . .” Lucas sighed. “Haley’s a fricking saint for putting up with that two times over but she does. And it’s. . .not really an issue most of the time.”
“So don’t worry about any of that stuff. . .what people expect of you. ..what Dan does. . .it’s all just. . .it’s bull. Do what you want. . .what you know is right for you.”
He sighed. It made sense, and seemed so easy. But it really wasn’t. “If only it were that easy.”
“I know.” Lucas looked at him sympathetically. “It sounds easy and it’s easy to say it ‘cause I didn’t lose all those memories. It’s easy to give advice from the peanut gallery.” Lucas smiled deprecatingly. “Unsolicited advice is the easiest thing in the world to give. But. . .I’ve seen you and Haley. . .go through so much to still get dogged by the same issues. This family. Basketball. What you each think the other wants or needs.”
“It’s like you two had this whole ‘Gift of the Magi’ thing going on.” Lucas waved his hand dismissively at his confused expression. “It’s a story about how two people sacrificed the wrong things for each other and in the end, that wasn’t what mattered. And that’s what you and Haley did. She pushed you away because she thought it was what you needed and you let her go because you thought that was what she needed and it wasn’t. In a way, you’ve been doing it all over again. I mean she didn’t tell you about the past because she wanted to protect you. . .she thought she was doing what was best for you.”
“And I know you’ve been holding back from her because you. . .don’t want to face that possibility.” Lucas sighed. “Look, basketball, this family, your memory loss. . .that’s all. . .it’s important but don’t use it as a reason or excuse to be with each other. Or to not be with each other. You’ve done that before and it just. . .it ended badly.”
“The last 3 years. . .you guys. . .you were actually starting to get it right. ..everything seemed to be falling into place. Basketball. . .how to deal with this family. . .what you each wanted out of life. I mean who knows? Maybe without the accident, you and Haley may have lived happily ever after. . .or maybe life would have thrown something else at you. But at least now, you have a chance to really lay the groundwork you know? Build a solid foundation on that clean slate. Then whatever else life decides to throw at you. . .you can handle it.”
“No pressure right?” he joked, although a part of him was completely serious.
“None,” said Lucas as he placed a hand on his shoulder. “Just make sure you get it right this time.”
~*~
He felt her coming up to him long before her soft greeting. He turned and smiled, and she returned his smile, if hesitantly. “You have a good flight back?”
She nodded, moving over to the stone table to put down her purse. “Did you tell Lucas to pull the ‘cloak-and-dagger’ routine? ‘Cause if you did, then maybe I’ll apologize for accusing him of kidnapping me.”
He chuckled. “No, I just asked him to bring you here after he picked you up. I mean I would have called but, um. . .”
“It’s O.K.” She smiled briefly before she looked out at the river. The afternoon sun was still shining brightly and made it look like tiny diamonds were dancing across the river’s surface.
“You know what? You’re probably tired from the flight and this can-“
“Nathan, it’s fine. I slept on the plane.”
He nodded, not sure of what to say, which was odd, because he had been thinking of what to say to her for the last day and a half. Ever since she had left him a message telling him that she was finally coming back to Tree Hill. “Um. . .everything work out in Sacramento?”
“More or less. Some things took longer than I anticipated.”
“So the camp’s all set?”
“More or less,” she said with a slight smile. He waited for her to say something else, but she didn’t. There was something different about her. She was in faded jeans and a red T-shirt that really brought out the brown in her hair and eyes. And despite her denial, she did look tired. But that wasn’t what was different.
It was what was beneath the exterior. . .what you couldn’t see unless you really looked. And he was. He sensed a new. . .openness, where her feelings were no longer hidden. And yet, he could still see remnants of that protective shield of hers. And he could see the battle between the two. Her wanting to be open with him battling her desire to protect herself.
He looked down, taking a deep breath. He didn’t expect this to be so hard, but then, he really shouldn’t be surprised. It had been a little over two weeks since she had left for Sacramento, and although she had called a few times, first to let him know that she had arrived safe and sound, and then to tell him she needed to stay a longer, they hadn’t really spoken. Honestly he didn’t even know what to say to her then, and he had thought he had figured it out since but standing here, he had to wonder if he needed more time.
But he knew he didn’t. This was right. . .there really was nothing more to think about. He knew what he needed to do. . .and no amount of thinking was going to change that.
“So, um. . .” he began and slowly, her eyes traveled back to his. They weren’t exactly avoiding his own, but they didn’t quite connect with his either. “How would you feel about me. . .participating in the camp?”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “D-do you want to?”
He smiled. “I wouldn’t ask otherwise.”
“Right,” she said softly, as she looked at him thoughtfully. “Well, you know it’s your basketball camp so. . .”
He nodded. “Did you talk to Sean while you were in Sacramento?”
Her brows furrowed briefly in confusion. “Um. . .not in a couple of days. I didn’t really need to though. . .did I?”
He couldn’t help grinning slightly. He had always thought that she was quite adorable when she was flustered. What’s more, he loved that she was usually so flustered around him. “No. . .not about the camp at least.”
She looked at him questioningly. “Not about the camp but. . .something else?”
“I just. . .I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else before I got a chance to tell you.”
He would have sworn, in that instant, that he literally saw that protective shield of hers slam down into place. And despite her struggle against it, but it remained firmly in place this time. But then, he couldn’t really blame her. “Tell me what?”
“I, uh, I talked to Sean. . .and the Kings’ management. . .a couple of days ago. I’m, uh, I mean. ..we’re going to make an announcement that I’m taking some time from the team. Maybe for good.”
She didn’t react at first but then she nodded and looked at him intently. “Is this what you really want?”
He nodded. “Yeah, it’s. . .I’ve been chasing that dream most of my life and. . .it’s time. The accident. . .it gave me a chance. . .it’s giving me the chance to do things differently. So I guess I should and I can’t do that if I’m just going to go back to the life I had.”
It wasn’t until the words were out of his mouth that he realized how it may have sounded. How it did sound to her if her quick intake of breath was any indication. “I was talking about basketball. Just basketball.”
The wariness remained in her eyes but she nodded slightly, as if telling him she understood. “So how’d you make that decision?”
“I just. . .” He stopped and smiled slightly. “Did Lucas tell you I played a pick-up game?”
She shook her head. “Did you?”
“Yeah,” he replied, his smile growing as he recalled the game. “Lucas set it up. Just a bunch of guys at the local gym. . .did you know they have amateur basketball leagues. . .with tournaments and everything?” He waved his hand dismissively. “Anyway, I played. . .horribly but it was great. It was fun.”
Her eyes narrowed in confusion. “You lost me.”
He chuckled slightly. “It was fun because there was no pressure there. It was just a game. And playing that pick-up game, it felt like I was that kid again. The kid who didn’t have any skills whatsoever. . . .who didn’t care if he became a great basketball player or not. The kid who just wanted to throw this giant orange ball through a hoop. And that felt. ..it felt great. No pressure, no expectations. I think a few of the guys recognized me but mainly, I was just Lucas’ brother. . .just another guy playing this game. It didn’t matter that I sucked. . .and believe me I sucked.”
She smiled. “Wish I could have seen that.”
“I’m glad you didn’t,” he countered jokingly. He inhaled deeply, trying to gather his thoughts so that he could say all that he needed to. And in a way that she would understand. He was aware that they were dancing around the real topic. . .them. . .but this was working. . .it felt like he was slowly climbing up some steps before he took the big leap. Small steps.
“You know, I. . .I don’t remember anything about being a pro but watching the home movies. . .talking to Lucas. . .watching ESPN. . .it’s clear that being a pro, even if you really love the game, there’s always going to be pressure. . .expectations. And I mean it’s not that I can’t handle it. It’s just. . .I haven’t felt that pure kind of joy in playing basketball in a while. I may not remember it but I just. . .I know.”
“You liked being a pro,” she said softly. “But you’re right. There were pressures and expectations. And you did handle it.”
“I know,” he replied. “I just. . .I never really got the chance to enjoy that. . ..innocence I guess for long because soon my Dad was starting me on ‘serious’ training and then after that. . .basketball just became this. . .thing. It was never really just a game after that. That was until last week.” He sighed. “I just. . .I want to get a chance to enjoy that for a while this time.”
He smiled and shrugged. “Who knows? I might come back. The Kings want first look if that happens so. . .that’s a possibility. But right now. . .I just. . .like you said, I already have enough stuff to figure out without worrying about offensive plays, defensive patterns, training camps and all that. And if I do go back, then this time. . .it'll be because it's what I want and for the right reasons.”
She looked at him for several seconds before nodding. “But you still want to do the camp?”
“Yeah,” he answered. “I figure I can help those kids maybe to hold on to that. . .joy. . .for a while at least. Let them just have fun with the game before they have to worry about all the other stuff.”
She smiled. “That’s, uh, that’s why you wanted to do the camp in the first place.”
“I guess I made the right decision then, huh?”
“It’s not about right or wrong,” she said quietly. “It’s just. . .what you want in your life.”
“Yeah, I’m starting to get that,” he said, his eyes boring into hers. She met his gaze for several seconds before she looked away.
“So, um-“ she began.
“I’m not going to get my memories back,” he blurted out.
“W-what?”
He sighed, looking down at the ground. He hadn’t intended to blurt it out like that. Or maybe he did. When she had told him how she felt about him, something in him had changed. He had stopped questioning himself so much, but this was still an area where the questions remained, as far as she was concerned. Even though he had a ‘sense’ of how she felt about this, a part of him still needed confirmation.
That’s probably why he had blurted it out like that. He had learned quickly that keeping Haley off-guard made it hard for her to carefully consider her answers. . .her responses. She had always been honest with him. . . .more so now, after their talk on the patio of their beach house weeks ago, but even in honesty, Haley could still be cautious. . .diplomatic. . . .censored. And for this particular subject, he needed raw, uncensored, honesty.
“I’m not going to get my memories back,” he repeated, slower this time.
She looked at him in confusion. “What. . . .you mean. . .”
“I mean, I’ve been talking to doctors. . .specialists. . .that’s what I’ve been doing since I stopped PT. . .and they’ve all told me I probably won’t ever get my memories back. I may get bits and pieces here and there, but I’m never going to get the whole 15 years back. They’re. . .they’re gone.”
“That’s what you’ve been doing?” she asked, not meeting his eyes.
He nodded. “Yeah, but I. . .I guess I’ve known that. . .inside you know? In my gut, I’ve known that I wouldn’t ever get those years back for a while now. Having it confirmed by all professionals just made it-“
“Real?” she asked, finally looking directly at him. He nodded. “Yeah. Nothing like bad news delivered by a professional in a calm and collected manner.” She smiled wryly. “You almost feel bad if you start freaking out. Like you’re ruining the mood or something.”
“Yeah, but it. . .it is real. Sean and I have been talking about whether I should announce that too.”
“Really?”
He looked at her intently. “They’re gone, Haley. And there’s-“
“I know,” she said quietly.
“You know?”
She nodded. “I know that you’re not going to get your memories back.”
For someone who was supposed to be in control of this conversation, he was suddenly feeling very off-kilter. No wonder Haley complained about his tendency to do this to her. It was a very disconcerting feeling. “What are you talking about?”
She sighed and moved over to the stone table and sat down on the table top, her sandaled feet resting on the stone bench. “Dr. Glennon told me the same thing after they did all those tests on you in the hospital and since then, I’ve done some research on brain injuries and memory loss and in most cases. . .if not all. . .the person who suffered the injury rarely recovered their lost memories.”
Of course Haley had done research on this. She was nothing but incredibly thorough. Still, he was surprised. “How long have you known this?”
“For a while. Couple of months at least.”
He did some calculations in his head. “So when I came here and told you I wanted to get my life back. . .my memories back. . .you already knew it was hopeless?”
She shook her head. “No! Not hopeless. You have hope as long as you believe it. I just knew the odds were. . .not good.”
“So why didn’t you say anything?” He smiled slightly. “Could have saved me some money with those consultations.”
She smiled briefly before she grew serious. “I guess because, you seemed so. . .determined and I hadn’t seen you like that since the accident and I didn’t want to take that from you. Besides. . .I wanted to believe it too. I mean everything said the odds weren’t good. . .that it was unlikely, but not impossible. So there was the slight chance that it could happen. I mean if there was a chance for something extraordinary happening. . .why couldn’t it happen to you?”
For the second time in 2 weeks, her words stunned him with their simple, honest emotions. He understood because it was the same reason he went to specialist after specialist after specialist until he had run out of them. It was the same reason that even as the acceptance began to take hold in his mind, his heart and soul still clung to that tiny shred of hope.
And it was also why things had been so hard with Haley at times. Because until then, he had thought that by finally, fully accepting this fact, he would have to also accept the fact that her love for him would never be the same. But in the last two weeks, there was a different sort of hope. . .and her words now gave that hope new strength. . .new life.
“Do you. . .care?” he asked slowly, trying to meet her eyes, but not quite succeeding.
“Do you?” she returned, her tone matching his in seriousness.
“Only if you do,” he answered honestly.
“What?” Her eyes lit up in surprise.
He sighed, and took a few steps closer to the table. “Does it matter that I can’t remember you. . .not in the way that you want?”
“The way that I want?” she repeated, clearly confused.
“You know. . .faces of people we know, places we’ve been, things we’ve done. . .the milestones. . .the dates and times. . .the things we said to each other.”
“Nathan, I. ..” She sighed. “To be completely honest, yes, I wish you could remember those things. . .that when I mention someone or someplace or whatever, that you didn’t. . .struggle or look so frustrated. But in the last few weeks. . .it hasn’t really mattered much. At least not to me.”
He looked at her, surprised. “Really?”
“The more we’re together, the less it matters that you don’t remember that you took me to a certain restaurant for whatever reasons. We’ve always. . .we’ve been good in the moment. At tuning out the world and everything else. And we weren’t together because of our memories of each other.” She smiled. “If that were true, we wouldn’t be together at all.”
“What?”
“My memories of you. ..the earliest ones. ..they weren’t. . .they were bad, O.K.? I mean I was Lucas’ best friend and you were basically harassing him on a daily basis. So I didn’t. . .I pretty much hated you on principle.” She smiled wryly. “So see, if we based our relationship. . .us being together. . .on our memories. . .we’d never have gotten anywhere.”
“But do I wish you hadn’t lost those years?” she continued. “Yes. Do I wish you could remember me. . .us. . .everything? Yes. But does it change what I said to you two weeks ago?” She met his eyes fully then. “No. I meant what I said. I’ve loved you since I was 16 and that hasn’t changed. Ever. Knowing that you can’t remember me. . .that you won’t. . .that doesn’t change how I feel about you or how I will feel about you.”
The hope in his heart surged at her words. It was exactly what he needed to hear. “Actually. . .I wasn’t really honest just now.” Her brows furrowed. “I. . .I do remember you, Haley.”
“What?” she whispered.
He took another few steps, closing the distance between them further. ”You know those. . .flashes I get? Some are clearer. . .more lucid than others.” He looked around. “Well, I had a flash of us here. . .before I left for Raleigh.” She gasped softly, but continued to stare at him wide-eyed. “The memory’s. ..pretty clear. . .clearer than most of the other flashes I get. . .but you know what’s even clearer?” She managed to shake her head slightly. “What I felt then.” He touched his chest, the area over his heart . “In here.”
“It was really hard saying good-bye to you,” he said softly. “I didn’t want to but-“
“We had no choice,” she finished quietly.
They looked at each other, the first time since his accident that they were both truly sharing a memory. Her eyes began to well with tears. “I don’t. . .I don’t recall the words. . or what happened so much that I remember how I felt then.” She was still looking at him and he hated that he still had to throw her off-balance but it was necessary. ‘I knew, Haley.”
“Knew what?”
“Why you pushed me back to basketball.”
“W-what?”
He nodded. “I knew you felt guilty and I. . .didn’t want that for you.” He sighed. “I mean I felt that. . .before I talked to Lucas and had him confirm it for me.”
“Nathan. . .”
“See. . .I. . .when I woke up in the hospital, in that time when I knew that something really serious had happened. . .that my life had just completely changed. . .I was terrified. And that fear seemed to multiply with each test.. .each strange visitor looking at me with mostly pity in their eyes. And each minute that would pass without me remembering. . .it just. ..it made my. ..condition. ..my loss. . .worse somehow.”
“Except you,” he said quietly. Her eyes flashed at his words. “From that first moment when you smiled at me. . .I mean I didn’t. . .I didn’t recognize you and yet, I felt like I knew you. Having you around made things more bearable in the hospital and when you told me you’d be handling things for me, I felt. . .relieved. Not only because I didn’t have to worry about those things but it meant I’d get to see you.”
He took another few steps towards her. Her eyes were locked into his, and while he could see the tears continuing to well in them, her gaze was direct and unwavering. “That’s how it’s been since I’ve woken up. I just. . .I feel things with you that I can’t. . .explain. Like why I feel like such an ass if I snap at you and instantly feel this overwhelming need to apologize even if I was right.”
She smiled and he did as well before he turned serious once more. “Or why things you say to me just feels familiar. Like when you told me to lay off Lucas. . .I didn’t remember anything. . .at least up here.” He gestured at his head. “But it felt familiar. Same with everything else. Why I needed you around. . .why I followed you here. . .why being with you makes me feel my memory loss less. . .instead of more.” He smiled wryly. “It never made sense to me. After I found out about us. . .at the press conference. . .I thought being with you would make my. . .loss. . .feel worse ‘cause those memories were the most important and yet. . .it’s being apart from you that I feel the loss the most. When I’m with you. . .it’s easy to forget I lost anything at all.”
The tears finally overflowed and began to run down her cheeks. “I just. . .I couldn’t explain it. That’s why I kept telling myself that I needed to remember. That. . .and because I thought that’s what you needed from me. That things wouldn’t be right between us unless I remembered. That’s why I told you I hated feeling like I was always trying to play catch-up. . .because I felt like you were waiting for me. . .just like everyone else was.”
“That’s why I told my Dad that I wasn’t falling in love with you again. Partly because I was frustrated. . .and angry. All those doctors had just told me that I wasn’t going to remember and my Dad was making things worse. It just. . .it was like you were moving further away and I couldn’t ever catch you. I was scared. I’ve been scared since I woke up from that coma.”
She smiled slightly and sniffed. “You never. . .showed it.”
“False bravado,” he said wryly. “I had all these feelings and I just. . .couldn’t make sense of them all. So I denied them.” He paused. “And the other part of that was that I knew I didn’t need to fall in love with you because I. . .” He stopped and looked at her intensely. “The more time we spent together, the stronger those feelings became. And I knew. . .in my heart. . .that I loved you. I was just waiting for my head to catch up.”
She drew in a shaky breath and brushed at the tears falling from her face futilely. He took the last few steps that closed the distance between them completely. He was now standing right in front of her, the table making their height difference even more noticeable. “So when you told me that you loved me it. . .made what I was feeling. ..clearer. Since I woke up. ..it’s felt like what I felt. ..what I feel. . .has always conflicted with what I think. . .or what I should think. And that day, at the beach house, that. . .conflict. . .it. . .stopped.”
“And then when I had that memory of us. . .saying good-bye. . .and talking to Lucas, it finally all made sense.” He shook his head. “You told me this before. You said I didn’t have to feel anything I didn’t want to feel. That I don’t owe anyone anything. . .especially you. And that knowing something doesn’t change how you feel. It just. . .it took me a while to figure that out.”
“See I wanted the memories up here,” he said, indicating his head. “To match what I was feeling. And it wasn’t until these last few weeks that I’ve realized it doesn’t matter. . .that if I had those memories. . .every word, every gesture, every place and person that we’ve met or been to. ..it wouldn’t change how I feel.”
“There are lots of things I just know and I kept wanting to know why or how I knew it, and it’s not. . .really important. Because I know that what I feel.” He smiled wryly. “I’m gonna take a shot in the dark here but I don’t think I was ever the rational one in our relationship was I? Not really big on the analysis right? Tended to go off half-cocked?”
She smiled through her tears. “Yeah.”
He nodded. “I figured. See? That’s why it’s been so. . .hard. I was trying to analyze and think it through. . .to make sense of my feelings. I wanted what I felt in my heart to match what was going on up in my head. . .to have them. . .stop conflicting.” He paused. “Except there was no conflict. .how I feel. . .that’s my guide, because I’ve always acted on my emotions. . .maybe not with the best results sometimes…but that’s who I’ve been. Who I am. And I was trying to resist that.”
He smiled. “Like whenever Lucas and I argued. . .it just. ..it felt familiar. The same with my Dad. ..my Mom. Everyone. Those feelings. . .they’re my memories. And you know what? You were right. Lucas and I. ..we’re always gonna have that. . .conflict between us. . .but he feels like my brother. And those feelings were always there. And my Dad. . .our relationships is always going to be. ..complicated. There’s always going to be conflict. . .and I may not know the whys or hows, but I just know that’s the way it is. . .the way it’ll always be probably.”
“I guess that’s why I said that you didn’t really want me.” He sighed. “I. . .I’ve known since I woke up that I’m different. I mean even if I got all 15 years back. . .I mean every last, tiny memory back. . .I still wouldn’t be the same person. The accident. . .it changed me and I used to think that you. ..didn’t want to deal with that change.” He shook his head. “But you know what? I’m still the same person. . .just like people who lose a loved one. ..or have something else really bad happen to them. . .they’re the same person, but. . .changed you know?”
“I know,” she said quietly. “The accident changed me too. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”
“I’m getting that.” He smiled. “Do I want to know all the whys and hows and wheres of falling in love with you? God, yes.” He paused. “But knowing those things won’t change what I do feel. You know how you can remember how something tastes or smell or sounds? But you can’t remember exactly when or where or how you remember those things? And even if you could remember when you had your first ice cream cone. . .it doesn’t change your memory of what ice cream tastes like.”
“Those flashes. . .no matter how vague or weak they were. . .I’ve always felt one thing. Always. I’ve only just realized it’s because it’s the strongest memory I have. Loving you. I may not remember how or when or where, but I remember.” She was staring at him, transfixed. “I love you, Haley. I never lost that memory. ..I don’t think I ever will.”
A soft sob escaped from her and he reached out and wiped the tears from her face. “I make you cry a lot.”
She half-sobbed and half-laughed as she jumped up and threw herself into his arms. “You also make me really happy.”
~*~
They clung to each other, tears and laughter mingling. She didn’t know whether she could burst from all the emotions overtaking her just then, but if she did, it would be O.K.
It’s going to be O.K.
That was the first time since Nathan’s accident that she had been able to not only think this, but to believe it. It was no longer something that others repeated to her during her long vigil by his bedside, no longer something she had to tell herself to get through the days. . .through the rough patches. It was no longer a way to live in denial.
She had her ‘moment of clarity’ a while ago. . .and it was only recently that its true meaning finally sunk in. She had realized that she and Nathan were just two sides of the same coin. And they had been struggling with the same thing.
That never-ending conflict between their heads and hearts.
She had battled her feelings for Nathan because her head told her she would get hurt if she gave into her feelings. And it wasn’t until she had fully embraced her feelings for Nathan and to place them out there in the open, to expose herself fully, that she had finally resolved her internal discord. Since then, that little voice in her head had grown silent. . .accepting.
That’s why it shouldn’t have surprised her to learn that Nathan had been struggling with the same thing. Only he had been battling his head. . .telling him he needed a reason for his feelings. . he needed the visual, auditory, or ‘pictorial’ memories to match what he felt.
How ironic, she thought. She had always thought that Nathan was the ‘heart’ of their relationship and as he had pointed out, she was the rational one. ..the ‘head.’ And they occupied those ‘roles’ still. . .only they both had just needed to listen to their hearts.
Nathan finally released her and placed her gently on the ground. He looked at her tenderly as he brushed the hair from her face in that familiar way. “I know this won’t be easy. There are things I still need to figure out. . .like my family. Who knows what other secrets they're gonna hit me. .us. . .with next? And a part of me. . .will probably always want to really remember and-“
“It’s never been easy with us,” she said with a gentle smile. “But someone. . .and it pains me to admit this. . . more perceptive than I am, told me recently that the best things in life are the things you have to work for. You value it more.”
He smiled. “That is smart.”
“Hmmm.” She caressed his cheek. “I do wish you could remember. . .not for me but for yourself.”
He nodded, understanding. “Well, maybe in time, those flashes will come together and make sense somehow but I guess until then, we’ll just. . .sort it out somehow.”
“Yeah. That’s-” She quickly lost whatever it was she was going to say because she became acutely aware of how close they were. . .how close his lips were from her. And suddenly, she just didn’t want to talk anymore. She reached up and kissed him soundly. She felt him smile against her lips before he returned her kiss gently at first, but then with increasing ardor. She sighed, and angled her head, fitting their mouths more closely and granted his probing tongue access.
The passion between them, long smoldering, ignited quickly and suddenly just kissing didn’t seem to be enough. She felt his arms tighten around her and then lift her off the ground, crushing her body against his. She tightened her arms around his neck, pulling herself even closer. They kissed until they were breathless but still they didn’t pull apart, instead, touching their foreheads together as they both gasped for breaths.
It wasn’t until they heard distant, but approaching voices, that she reluctantly pulled away from him. He set her back down on the ground and they both looked around, as if suddenly remembering where they were.
Nathan smiled. “And my plan to have you meet me here instead of the beach house suddenly has a huge flaw.”
She chuckled. “Didn’t quite think that through hmm?”
He jangled his keys. “Car’s right over there.”
“Oh, pretty confident there aren’t you?”
The look he gave her made her very hot on an already warm summer day. “Very,” he said with his trademark smirk.
She considered dragging their verbal jousting out for a bit longer, but one look at him made that idea fly right out of her head. Besides, it had been a long, hard few months and all their stop and starts had only served to make her desire burn hotter. . .and more intensely. And it was already a pretty long drive back to the beach house. . .that was assuming they could control themselves for that long.
“Why are we still standing here then?” she asked, reaching for his hand. Their laughter echoed behind them as they raced for his car. Pure, joyous laughter, fueled by hearts finally free of questions and doubts. Hearts joined by the enduring memory of the love they share.
The End
Send Kate 
