Living in the Moment

by Kate

CHAPTER FOUR – Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Haley kicked the apartment door closed behind her and carried her book bag, purse and armload of papers over to the couch and collapsed tiredly on it. She closed her eyes, idly wondering if it were possible to just sit here for the rest of the weekend.

“Peyton?” she called out. There was no response. She opened her eyes and glanced down the hallway and didn’t see any light coming from the direction of the bedrooms. “Peyt?”

She stayed in her spot for a few minutes before she threw all her stuff to the side of the couch and slowly rose from the couch. Ambling into the kitchen, she saw the note on the fridge immediately.

H,

Went to see Jake play at club. It’s on 10th downtown, right around the corner from my office. Show starts at 9:30 if you want to join us. There’s some Chinese food in the fridge if you’re hungry.

Love ya,

P.

She smiled. Peyton and this Jake fellow were really hitting it off. They had met about two weeks ago, and Peyton had begun to spend more and more time with him. She had met Jake briefly and had liked him instantly. The up-and-coming musician was funny and sweet and a good compliment to Peyton. Where Peyton was outspoken and opinionated, Jake was soft-spoken and easy-going. They made a good pair, and she was happy for her friend.

Still, a small part of her felt. . .sad somehow. She didn’t begrudge Peyton for having found a boyfriend, especially not someone like Jake, but that meant that now, she had to share her best friend with someone else. That she would get to see less of Peyton.

Sighing tiredly, she made her way back to the couch, where she gathered up all her stuff and trudged towards her bedroom. You’re just tired, she told herself, trying to snap out of her blue mood. It wasn’t like Peyton was her only friend. She had others. Nathan for example.

The thought had come unbidden into her mind. But then, that happened a lot when it came to Nathan. Unceremoniously, she tossed everything that she had been lugging and carrying onto her bedroom floor, before she made her way to her dresser and began to change into a pair of pink fleece sweatpants and a red tank top. She gathered her hair into a messy ponytail before she headed to the bathroom to scrub off her make-up and the day’s ‘wear’ from her face.

Of course, she would think of him, she argued to herself. They had grown close in the past few weeks. Close friends, she quickly amended. That and nothing more. So there was absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about him. She thought about her friends all the time.

Deciding that dinner could wait until after she grabbed a quick cat nap, she was headed back to her room and had settled into bed, when the peal of her cell phone roused her from her comfortable position. Annoyed, she trudged to her purse and dug out the offending phone, ready to turn it off when she noticed the Caller ID.

She couldn’t help smiling as she answered the call. “Hi.”

“Hey,” greeted Nathan. “What are you up to?”

She carried the phone back over to her bed and climbed back in. “I’m about to take a nap.”

“Haley, it’s a Friday night and you’re about to take a nap? That’s just not right.”

“I’m tired,” she stated simply.

There was a pause and when he spoke again, there was noticeable concern in his voice. “You do sound really tired.”

“Very perceptive, Scott,” she teased.

“Have you eaten dinner yet?”

“No. I was planning on heating up some Chinese leftovers when I woke up.”

“O.K. That’s really not right.”

She heard traffic noises from his end. “Where are you?”

“Just heading back from a workout at the gym.” She frowned. It was odd. Not the fact that he worked out, after all, that was a part of his job as a pro athlete. The odd thing was, he had told her that he had a fully equipped gym in his house in Charlotte. From what she could gather over the past few weeks, Nathan didn’t seem to spend a lot of time at his own house. She often wondered if he were avoiding it somehow.

“And then where are you going?” she asked knowingly.

Her question was rewarded with a wry chuckle. “I’m grabbing some take-out at that tapas place I told you about.” He paused. “You know what? Why don’t I grab some for both of us? If Peyton’s there, I can get more so she can join in with us. You sound like you had a long day. You definitely deserve something more than reheated Chinese take-out.”

She wished that she could say that she was used to these incredibly thoughtful gestures from him, but she wasn’t. Each time he did something like this, she was surprised. . .and touched. “Peyton’s not here and Nathan, you don’t-“

“Have to,” he finished. “Yes, I know. Look, I want to, O.K.? Besides, I don’t want to eat all by myself, so really I’m doing this more for me than you.”

She smiled. “I just knew there had to be a catch. You can’t really have been that sweetly selfless.”

“You know it,” he retorted jokingly. “So what do you say?”

“O.K. Thanks.”

“No problem,” he returned easily. “Hey, listen, why don’t you just go ahead and take that nap? I need to head home to shower first anyway, so it should take me a bit of time before I get over there with the food.”

“Are you sure?” she asked. “I might not hear the buzzer if I’m asleep.”

“Hmmm, that could be a problem.”

She smiled briefly and then an idea came to her, which was surprisingly appealing to her. “Or um, I could leave the apartment key with the security desk downstairs. And tell them to let you come up without me buzzing you in.”

There was a noticeable pause on his end. When he finally said something, there was. . .something. . that she couldn’t quite place in his voice. “Are you sure? I mean you don’t mind me being there with you asleep?”

“What?” she asked, suddenly uncertain. Had she just done something wrong? “I don’t. . .unless you do?”

“No, no,” he said quickly. “I. . .nevermind. Yeah, leave the key and I’ll be over in a while, O.K.?”

~*~

Nathan let himself into the apartment that Haley shared with Peyton quietly. He jiggled the key from the lock as he balanced the bag of take-out in his other hand. As the key came loose, he couldn’t help but stare at it in his hand. Her gesture, seemingly so simple, still surprised him.

He walked into the kitchen where he began unloading the cartons from the bag. He shook his head slightly as he caught sight of her apartment key on the counter. He had lived most of his life distrustful of others. He was always wondering why they really wanted to be around him. Over time, he had accepted that distrust as a way of life. Or at least his life. He got his first taste of it when he had been the most popular kid in high school, and then later, when he became a ‘star’ athlete which had opened up doors for him. . .and whoever was around him.

Accepting and understanding that, however, came with a price. It had made him cynical. . .and hard in a way. It had skewed his view of the world. He had never viewed the world through rose-colored glasses. He had always seen its harsh, cold realities. Sometimes to the exclusion of everything else. See the bad, expect the worse, seemed to be his life’s motto. And because he viewed the world that way, he often thought that others did too. And more often than not, he was right. ‘Trust’ wasn’t just a word in his world. Fame had its privileges, but it had its price too.

But Haley didn’t quite fit into his ‘world view.’ In fact, she turned it on its head. She had so freely given him her trust, and in turn, he had given her his. With no reservation, no second-guessing, no doubts. He had never done that with anyone. . .not even his family. Especially not his family, he thought with a shake of his head.

He went to one of the cupboards and began removing plates. And here was another surprising thing. How comfortable he felt in her place. He had been over only twice before. . .and the first time it had just been to meet up with her for lunch. And yet he felt more at home here than he did in his own house. Everything just felt more comfortable with Haley.

Quickly, he transferred the food from their plastic containers onto the plates and set up the small table just off the kitchen in what could be considered a dining room if it weren’t so small, and really nothing more than an extension of the kitchen. Finished with setting up their meal, he headed down the hallway to Haley’s bedroom.

He hadn’t actually been in her bedroom before. He had caught glimpses of it when he had been over. Somehow, the thought of seeing something as personal and intimate as Haley’s bedroom made him nervous. Once again, he was struck by the immense trust she seemed to have given him. Her door was partially shut and he knocked on it, but there was no response. Hesitantly, he pushed the door open.

Haley was lying on her side, slightly curled up against her pillow and fast asleep. Her green printed comforter was lying haphazardly across her body. One hand was tucked under her chin and the other arm was lying across the pillow she had apparently been hugging, but was now a mere afterthought. He gazed at her sleeping from the doorway for long moments, mesmerized. She looked so serene asleep. . .so beautiful.

He sighed. She seemed to arouse such strange emotions in him. Tenderness. Disbelief. Anger. Protectiveness. Affection. Desire.

He shook his head, hoping to dislodge that thought. There was no place for it. Haley had made it clear at their first dinner, weeks ago, that she wanted to be friends. Strictly friends and nothing more. And he respected that, and had adhered to it. Sometimes it was hard, especially when their bantering took on a flirtatious tone, which was pretty often. But he always checked himself, and it never went anywhere. Truth be told, he wasn’t upset that it didn’t. Not that much, at least.

What he had with Haley. . .this friendship. . .it worked. He enjoyed being with her. She made him laugh. She put him at ease. It was the best relationship he had. So he wasn’t looking to change anything with Haley. What they had now. . .it worked. And he knew better than to mess with that. Few things actually ‘worked’ in his life. And the physical attraction he felt for her, while strong, he could control. At times, it was harder than he thought it’d be, but he viewed it as a personal challenge of sorts these days to actually keep that under control.

Quietly, he moved further into her room and made his way slowly over to the bed. Kneeling down, he found himself staring at her yet once again. Some strands of her hair had fallen across her cheek. Unable to resist, he reached out and lightly brushed them from her face. She gave an almost imperceptible sigh before snuggling further into her pillow. He felt a stirring, something not altogether unfamiliar when he was around Haley, but with studied practice, he ignored it.

“Haley,” he whispered. She remained blissfully asleep and he hated the thought of waking her. “Haley.” His voice was a little louder this time. She stirred but her eyes remained shut and her hair had once again fallen into her face. As if compelled he brushed her hair back again. His action had the effect of finally waking her. Slowly, her eyes fluttered open. “Hey.”

She blinked several times as her eyes focused. As they did so, a lazy smile spread across her face. “Hi.”

“Hungry?” he asked with a smile.

“Starved.” She sat up and looked at him as her smiled widened. And he felt that stirring within him again. Stronger this time. Again, he ruthlessly suppressed it. “You are the best for doing this.”

He shrugged dismissively. “I hate eating alone.”

She chuckled as they headed towards the kitchen. When she saw the food on the table, she let out an audible gasp. “Oh, my God. Nathan! This is-“

“Getting cold,” he cut in. “So come on, dig in.”

~*~

Dinner had been an utterly relaxing and easy-going affair. The conversation and banter flowed easily between them. Haley was surprised at just how hungry she was. And Nathan had picked out incredible dishes. . .and quite a lot of them. Even after they had both eaten their fill, there were still plenty of leftovers, which Nathan had insisted she keep for later.

He had also wanted to help her clean up, but she had nixed the idea in no uncertain terms. She had quickly wrapped up the food, cleared the table and soaked the dishes in the sink. Now they were relaxing on the couch, with steaming mugs of Jasmine tea.

“Thanks again for dinner,” she said, breaking their companionable silence.

He smiled. “Are you going to keep thanking me for that?”

She grinned. “Oh, come on, you know you like it when I’m in your debt.”

His blue eyes gleamed with amusement. “I need to store up all those bonus points for the next time I screw up.”

“Which should be soon?” she teased. He chuckled. “So how’d practice go today?”

He shrugged. “The same. . .no worse but no better either.”

She took in the tension that had suddenly manifested themselves in his broad shoulders. His comeback, she guessed, was still not going the way he wanted. Although according to Lucas, everything was ‘on schedule’ so whatever continued to bother him about his game and his return to the pros was more internal than anything from outside sources.

She admitted that she never quite ‘got’ basketball. Not when Lucas had first ‘fallen’ for it as a boy, and certainly not now as she was witnessing Nathan struggle with it. To her, it was a sport. . .a game really. But from her conversations with Lucas, and now Nathan, she knew that it was also a serious business. Still, she didn’t quite understand the pressure that came along with that. So much at stake for what she saw as basically grown men running around trying to put a ball into a hoop.

But that didn’t prevent her from admiring just how much Nathan seemed to be putting into it. From her perspective, he was putting almost everything into his comeback. He took his practices as seriously as she took her clinicals and volunteer assignments. Probably more so. She allowed herself a few ‘off’ days at school and if she didn’t score the highest grade all the time, she didn’t beat herself up about it. But Nathan didn’t seem to allow himself any ‘off’ days. Bad practices weren’t allowed and he seemed to expect the best from himself all the time. It was an almost impossible standard to live up to, and she wondered why he even tried.

“You’re too hard on yourself sometimes,” she said softly.

His eyes narrowed at her words and for a brief instant, his features darkened, as if he were thinking of something that seemed to disturb him deeply. But just as quickly as that moment came, it passed and once again, his easy-going, confident exterior slide back into place. “Says the pot to the kettle,” he said with a smile.

“I’m not hard on myself,” she denied instantly, although a part of her did agree with him.

He lifted an eyebrow challengingly. “Oh no? Then why do you take on all that stuff? School, your clinical, your part-time job at the Children’s Center and your volunteer gig with the group home?”

“That’s just being busy and productive,” she argued. “Which I like.”

He looked at her for a long moment before he nodded, as if deciding not to push that topic. They did that a lot. He didn’t push her about her personal life too much and she didn’t push him about his comeback or why he had left. They were close but sometimes, the distance still between them seemed so vast. “Is that. . .carnival thing still on?”

She smiled. “It’s a spring festival. A carnival makes me think of freak shows and weird, pervy carnies which is not the theme the Children’s Center is going for.” He laughed softly. “Are you still good to volunteer then?”

He nodded. “I had Lucas schedule it in.”

“Thanks,” she said with a grateful smile. “I’ll try and get you a good assignment.”

“No dunking booth,” he said with mock seriousness.

“Well, there goes my original idea.”

He chuckled. “I could always volunteer Luke in my place if you really need someone to fill in for that.”

She laughed. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the relationship you and Lucas have going now.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “But it works out in a weird way. Luke gets to boss me around for certain things and I get to let him deal with things that I don’t want to.”

“Win-win, huh?” she teased.

He smiled and they lapsed into a comfortable silence as they each sipped their tea. She sighed softly. How could a moment be both so calm and so unnerving at the same time? And yet, these moments were just that. They were unnervingly comfortable she thought wryly. Somehow, without her really being aware of it, she and Nathan had reached a level of comfort and familiarity that most people never did. Being with him, she felt completely at ease and relaxed. As if she had known him for years instead of just weeks.

But that was what unnerved her. She often thought that she was too comfortable around him. Sometimes, she forgot herself and the fact that her relationship with Nathan had to be kept within certain boundaries. Because in moments like these, it was easy to lose herself. And that was something that she indulged in with increasing frequency lately.

To let her attraction to him take over. . .to lose herself in that foolish game of ‘what if.’ What if they weren’t ‘just friends’? What if this had been a quiet night at home between a real couple? What if she were to reach over and touch him. . .because she wanted to? She wanted to touch him more times that she really cared to admit to. The ‘game’ was both exciting and terrifying. Exciting for the possibilities and terrifying in how much she wanted to explore those possibilities.

But she couldn’t. . .they couldn’t. It would mess up everything.

“Hales?” his voice interrupted her thoughts and she hoped that the embarrassment she felt didn’t register on her face, because Nathan had grown increasingly good at ‘reading’ her.

“Hmm?” she murmured, partly hiding behind her mug.

“I was just asking what you were going to do this weekend?”

“Um. . .” she started, running down her ever-crowded mental ‘To-Do’ list. “Errands, study, and if I’m feeling wild, maybe I’ll head out and spend a couple of hours browsing some thrift stores downtown.”

He grinned. “That is wild.”

She chuckled, setting the mug down on the coffee table. “What about you?” He shrugged. “What? You don’t have a hot date lined up this weekend? Come to think of it, how come you’re not on a hot date right now? It is Friday night.”

“What makes you think I’m not on a hot date right now?” he asked, his voice dropping to that pitch that somehow always affected her physically, even when she knew he was just flirting in that ‘friendly’ way that he did. Nathan was a flirt, she reminded herself yet once again. These moments didn’t mean anything. But the way his eyes were boring into hers made it all too easy to believe otherwise.

“I’m not your type,” she fired back, her tone teasingly dismissive.

His eyes flickered as a slow, flirtatious smile spread across his face. “Yeah. I don’t really go for smart, gorgeous, funny brunettes with a tendency to ramble in the cutest way.”

She suddenly felt very warm, but forced herself to stay cool and play along. “Don’t forget clumsy.”

He laughed softly and she joined in. But when their eyes met, what had started out as a light moment, suddenly changed into something else. Something more. She felt drawn to his gaze. Captivated. She could literally feel the air between them grow charged as they held each other’s gazes. It was as if some invisible force was compelling her to stare into the swirling blue depths that were his eyes. And what she saw in those blue eyes seemed to convey emotions that went beyond ‘just friends.’

What’s more, she felt overwhelmed by her own emotions. And they definitely went beyond ‘just friends.’ Emotions that she had forced herself to ignore. Emotions she denied. Pretended were nothing more than being caught up ‘in the moment’ because Nathan had smiled at her in that heart-skipping way. . .or because he had worn an outfit that had accentuated those muscular arms or his chiseled chest. Or because he could be so distractingly handsome at times. . .most of the time really.

Hormones. Nothing more than hormones.

But those emotions weren’t so easily dismissed now. Now. . .they were on her couch, sitting only a few feet apart and it seemed as if the same invisible force that made it impossible for her to look away from him was somehow also forcing her to move closer to him, just as he seemed to be moving closer to her. She wanted to know the answer to ‘what-if.’

And suddenly, there was nothing more than inches of air between them. She felt her heart quicken, and her breathing suddenly grew shallow. She was acutely aware of everything about him then. The warmth of his breath on her cheek. The way the color of his eyes had changed from a clear, light blue to a darker, more intense midnight blue. The arch of his eyebrow and the curl of his dark lashes as his eyes shifted downward, to her lips. She could even make out the small, almost imperceptible scar on the side of his right cheek with stunning clarity.

She swallowed and blew out a shaky breath. Somewhere, a part of her told her this was crazy. . .that she shouldn’t be doing this, but that voice didn’t seem to be really penetrating. It was like a small, distant cry amid the much louder din of her present feelings.

Nathan looked back into her eyes, almost as if he were seeking permission. She looked down at his lips, silently granting it to him, which he accepted without hesitation. He bent his head and pressed his lips against hers gently at first, and then he angles his head, fitting their lips together better. He increased the pressure on her lips, but only slightly.

She sighed softly, as her nerve endings burst to life at his kiss. She leaned forward, increasing the pressure on their lips and kissed him back. His hand came up to cup her cheek, steadying her head as his lips rubbed tantalizing against her own. Desire ignited within her with alarming intensity. She pressed closer, needing to be even closer to him. Her hand reached out and found his shoulder. She let her hand trail up his shoulder, to his neck, as her fingers wrapped around the curve of his neck, her thumb on his pulse, which quickened beneath her touch.

She moaned softly, as she angled her head, wanting to deepen the kiss. Needing to.

What the hell are you doing?!

It was as if that tiny voice had suddenly magnified itself by 1000 and was now screaming inside her head. It was enough to finally snap her out of it and she quickly jerked back and away from Nathan, suddenly all too aware of what had been happening.

“What are we doing? What are you doing?”

Nathan looked at her, confusion and surprise displayed across his handsome features. “Haley, I-”

She jumped up off the couch, agitated. Panic quickly consumed her. Oh, God. What had she done? What had they done? What was this? How did they suddenly start kissing?

“Oh God! I-“ she cried, running shaky hands through her hair.

Nathan stood up, holding out his hands in an effort to calm her. “Haley, it was. . .” He stopped, and shook his head.

“You have to go!” she blurted out. “I can’t-“

“Haley, it’s O.K. We-“

“No, no it’s not!” she said frantically. “This is. . .it’s wrong! We can’t do this! We’re friends! Friends! Nothing more! Just friends! Friends don’t kiss each other! That’s not what we should be doing! How could you. . .how could I. . .I can’t-“

“Haley,” Nathan said firmly, as he grabbed one of her hands. That was a mistake, because if he had intended to calm her, his touch had the completely opposite effect. It electrified her, which only sent her panic into overdrive.

She jerked her hand away from him and she was aware of the hurt that flashed across his eyes. “You have to go.”

“I. . .” He looked as if he were going to say something else but stopped and sighed deeply. “I’m sorry.” With one last look at her, he turned and walked out, closing the door softly behind him.

She stood there and stared at the door for long minutes after he left, with a single thought now repeating in her head, as if it were on a loop.

Oh, God.

CHAPTER FIVE – Not So Blissful Ignorance

“Anyone I know?” Lucas quipped, sitting down on one of the many weight training equipment that littered Nathan’s expansive home gym.

He shot his brother a quick, annoyed look before he went back to pummeling the heavy bag. He had been at this for close to half an hour now and was covered in sweat and tired, but all those restless, jumbled emotions still raged inside of him. Apparently, he couldn’t punch those out of his system. “What do you want?” he bit out.

Lucas lifted an eyebrow at the surly tone of his voice but didn’t react otherwise. They were too used to each other’s moods by now to be affected much by it. “Just came by to drop off some papers for you. You need to go over them before our trip. Don’t forget we leave Tuesday to meet with executives whose companies might offer you endorsement deals.”

“I remember,” he grunted. “Contrary to popular belief, I’m not stupid.”

A slight squint before Lucas got up, slapping his hands against his thighs. “Alright. Clearly you’re in one of those moods, and having one of those days so I’ll just let you work it out on your own. I’ll call you later, man.”

“Uhhh!” He threw one last hard punch at the bag before turning to his brother. “Luke.” Lucas had gotten halfway to the door but stopped and turned around, looking at him expectantly. “Have you talked to Haley?”

Lucas shook his head. “Not in the past few days. Why?”

He shrugged, yanking off his gloves. “I just. . .” He shook his head. “Nothing. Forget it.”

Lucas took a few steps back towards him. “What’s going on, Nate?” He didn’t answer, as he mopped the sweat from his head with a towel. “Is there something going on with Haley? Between the two of you?”

Yes. . .and yes, he thought. The only problem was, he couldn’t quite figure out what either of those was. It was driving him crazy. He knew he hadn’t misread things in her apartment. She had wanted him to kiss her, and even if he had misread that cue, there was no misreading her kissing him back.

But she had freaked out, and that had thrown him into his current confused tailspin. He didn’t even know where he stood with her anymore. A part of him knew he wasn’t entirely to blame but that didn’t make him feel any better. All he knew was that he had somehow, despite the fact that he had been trying really hard not to, messed up whatever it was he had with Haley. And that was alternately pissing him off and making him miserable. Hence the punishment he was exacting on the heavy bag in his gym.

He looked at Lucas, who was standing there, patiently waiting for him to answer. He sighed. “I. . . .don’t know, Luke.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t know, OK?” he blew out impatiently. He looked at his brother. Lucas was probably the best person to talk to about this, so he should just talk to him, as opposed to taking things out on him. He sighed. “Let me ask you something.”

Lucas nodded as he came over and sat down across from him. “Shoot.”

“Did you and Haley. . . .” He stopped, trying to figure out a way to ask this question. And then he realized, there really was no ‘subtle’ way to do this. “Did you and Haley ever, you know, get together?”

If it were possible, Lucas’ eyes narrowed beyond that of his usual squint. “Get together?”

“Beyond friends. You know, did you guys ever date? Did you ever want to? Was she attracted to you? Or you to her?” The questions seemed to just burst forth from him.

Lucas looked down at the ground before he sighed. “Is that what’s going on with you and Haley?”

“I asked you first,” he threw back.

Lucas looked at him a beat before shrugging. “Haley and I. . . .I think we both, at one time, had feelings for the other beyond friendship but it was really nothing more than horny teenagers trying to figure out the opposite sex thing.” He shook his head. “I remember back when I was like 13, and we were both hitting puberty and we were both going through, you know, changes. I remember looking at her differently and starting to feel something more than friendship, but you know what? It was just my overactive hormones and the fact that she was starting to. . .develop.”

Despite the fact that Lucas was using the past tense when talking about this, it bothered him. Lucas and Haley had a history he wasn’t a part of. . .and their relationship was steadier. . .more settled. It didn’t seem to have all these. . .complications. He couldn’t help but be a bit jealous of it, even though he knew that Haley’s relationship with Lucas wasn’t a reflection of hers with him.

“That’s it?” he asked. “You guys just managed to chalk it up to ‘hormones’ and be done with it?”

Lucas laughed and shook his head. “Dude, we were 13! Of course we didn’t do that. That would have made us the oldest and most mature 13 year olds ever!”

Trepidation washed over him. “Then. . .what?” he asked, almost reluctantly.

Lucas looked away, his expression embarrassed. “We, uh. . .God I still can’t think of it without cringing a little.” And sure enough, Lucas was cringing slightly. “Anyway, we were up on the Café’s roof. . .you know we hung out there a lot and we even started to put a mini golf course up there?” He nodded. Lucas had told him much of this before. “So we were talking and the conversation turned on whether guys really could be friends with girls and then somehow, we decided to ‘test’ the theory ourselves.”

“Test the theory?”

Lucas nodded. “We thought we’d, uh, kiss and see if anything would change between us.”

“You guys. . .kissed?” he asked, suddenly feeling very off-balance.

“Yeah,” said Lucas. “And it was. . .God, awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

It was probably petty, but hearing that their kiss was ‘awkward’ made him feel better. “So, then what?”

“Let’s see. . .” Lucas scrunched his face up dramatically. “Long, agonizing minutes of sheer embarrassment on both our parts. Some awkward mumblings. Then she laughed.”

“She laughed?”

Lucas shot him an annoyed look. “Why did I detect a note of glee in your voice just then?” He shrugged, trying not to snicker. “Yeah, she laughed. And hell, I don’t blame her now ‘cause it was just really, really comical in how awkward that kiss was. After that, we stuck to being friends. . .and that’s all we’ve ever been, or ever will be.”

“That’s it?” he asked. “You guys had one awkward kiss and that answered all your questions.”

“All our questions?” Lucas asked, confused. “We didn’t have all these questions. Like I said, it was hormones for the most part. It wasn’t like I was harboring a secret crush on her or vice versa. We were teenagers, hormones in overdrive and becoming sexually curious. . .so we turned to each other to see if there was something there. There wasn’t.”

“What if there had been?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Lucas answered, as his eyes studied him intently. “Haley moved away a short while later so it probably would have been a moot point. And if she hadn’t then. . .I don’t know. Maybe we would have hooked up. . .and inevitably, we would have broken up ‘cause I had commitment issues back then if you recall.” He smiled. That was a nice way of putting it. “Who knows what that would have done to us. Most likely we probably wouldn’t even be friends.”

His brother’s words were sobering. Depressingly so. ‘Cause that was something that he had been afraid of since he had gotten to know Haley. That his attraction to her would mess up their friendship. And now it looked like it had.

“So what’s going on with you and Haley?” Lucas asked quietly.

He sighed. “We kissed.”

He had expected Lucas to react with surprise or shock or the combination of the two. Instead Lucas just looked at him calmly. “And?”

“And?” he repeated dumbfounded.

“Then what happened?”

“You’re not even remotely surprised by what I just said?” he demanded. “I just told you that Haley and I kissed.”

“Why should I be surprised?” Lucas asked evenly, which agitated him even more. “I can see. I can hear too. And like most people, I can read between the lines pretty well, especially if what’s between the lines is basically a flashing neon sign.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Come on, man. Who do you think you’re fooling here? You and Haley are probably the only two people who absolutely refuse to see what’s really going on between you two. And trust me. . .innocent, platonic friendship is not what’s going on.”

“What the hell are you talking about? What else is there? We-“

“You know that only works with Haley, right?” Lucas returned calmly.

“What?”

“That little ‘we’re just friends’ speech of yours. I’m gonna clue you in, O.K.? ‘Cause you’re my brother and it’s just sad watching you these days.” He glared at Lucas who only smiled. “But nobody else really buys that you guys are just friends. Except you two but then you and Haley have been engaging in this weird, we’re-just-friends dance for so long, I actually think you might really believe it now.”

He scoffed. “You make it sound like Haley and I have been having some secret love affair or something. You’ve hung out with us. Nothing’s going on. We’re friends!”

Lucas grinned. “Do you want to have a love affair with her? Do you want something more than ‘just friends’?”

“What!”

“Do you?” Lucas asked simply.

“I. . .” Damn it. Just say no. How hard could that be? But he couldn’t, because the answer wasn’t ‘no.’

“My point exactly,” said Lucas softly. He sighed. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys but I do know this. . .you guys need to talk about things. ‘Cause whatever’s between you, it’s not gonna go away, and obviously, no matter how hard you’ve tried, you can’t ignore it anymore.”

He sighed. “That’s great Luke. You’ve known all this time and you’re only deciding to tell me this now. .. after things are already messed up?”

Lucas looked at him, partly amused, but genuinely concerned. “Since when did you need my help with women? And things aren’t messed up. You only think that because you’re still trying to pretend that friendship is all there is between you two.” Lucas looked at him seriously. “Talk to her, man.”

He looked at his brother curiously. “You’re really not surprised by this? I mean you don’t. . .mind if Haley and I hooked up?”

Lucas didn’t answer right away, looking down at the floor thoughtfully. “I’ve already told you this, man. And I tend to not like to repeat these kind of things but just this once, I’ll tell you again. I’m not just saying this ‘cause you’re my brother, but you’re a good guy, Nate, despite what you tend to believe at times. And you deserve the best life has to offer you.” Lucas smiled. “I feel the same way about Haley and you know, it might be a little. . .strange if you guys hooked up, but if you guys are happy.. .I'd be cool with that."

~*~

“O.K., I just can’t do it anymore,” Peyton declared without preamble as she strode into Haley’s room. Haley looked up from her position on her bed. Books and papers were scattered about the bed in front of her. It gave the illusion that she was studying. But that’s all it was. An illusion because nothing seemed to be penetrating.

“Do what?” she asked.

Peyton stood at the foot of her bed, hands on her hips, and looking stressed. “I told myself not to push you. That I shouldn’t butt in, but you know what? I’m butting in!”

She sighed. “You clearly started this conversation already so want to catch me up?”

Peyton ignored her. “And you know I wasn’t going to say anything about how you’ve been moping around here all weekend. I wasn’t going to even ask. I’ve said my piece about you and relationships and I was going to leave it at that but you. . .” Peyton groaned in frustration. “You’re so damn stubborn sometimes Haley!”

“Still not following.”

“You want me to catch you up? Fine.” Peyton looked at her sternly. “Nathan.”

Just the mention of his name had the effect of causing all those emotions that she had so carefully pushed into the furthest recesses of her mind, to rush back at her and all of a sudden, she was feeling miserable, confused and overwhelmed again. Mostly, she felt miserable. “Peyton, can we not?”

“No,” Peyton said firmly. “Because I’ve tried, Hales. And it just isn’t working. You’re not going to do anything unless someone gives you a shove. Well consider me shoving.”

“Do what?” She expelled a breath in frustration. “There’s nothing to do.”

“Don’t be so sure.” Peyton sat down at the foot of her bed and studied her. Peyton didn’t seem so upset anymore. Instead, concern radiated from her friend’s eyes. “Why don’t we start with what happened between you and Nathan?”

She looked at Peyton in surprise. “How do you know something happened?”

Peyton gave her an ‘are you kidding me?’ look. “’Cause you’ve been walking around all weekend looking like you lost your best friend and since I’m fine and I know Luke is fine since he’s called you, that only leaves Nathan.” She sighed. Was she really that obvious? “So. . .what happened?”

“We. . .kissed.”

Peyton jumped off the bed. “You what!”

“On Friday.”

Peyton shook her head. “No, no, no. You cannot just drop something like that on me with no backstory!”

“I. . .don’t even know how it happened! You were at the club watching Jake play and I was just planning on taking a nap and then Nathan called and he said he was going to grab some take-out and then offered to bring some over here and I said OK. And he was just so sweet like he usually is and then we were just sitting around talking until he started flirting, or actually we started flirting and for some reason it just got serious this time and the next thing I knew we kissing and I was just-” She stopped abruptly, having run slightly out of breath from talking so fast.

“And then what?” Peyton asked softly.

She groaned slightly, pulling a pillow from behind her and hugging it. “I freaked.” She buried her head into the pillow. “Oh, God, Peyton. I just freaked out so badly and threw him out!” She looked back up at Peyton. “I screwed up everything.”

“No, you didn’t,” assured Peyton, sitting back down on the bed. “Have you talked to Nathan since then?”

She shook her head. “And say what?”

Peyton studied her for a beat before quietly asking, “Why did you freak out?”

“I. . .” For a split second, she considered lying to Peyton. But Peyton was her best friend. If she couldn’t be completely honest with her, then what was the point? Besides, Peyton would see right through her. “I got scared.”

“Why?”

She sighed. “’Cause I. . .it felt good. It felt right. The kiss. I mean I wanted it. It was scary how much I wanted it. And then when we were actually kissing, it was. . .I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I just wanted it to keep going and I just. . .”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Hales. I mean the first time Jake and I went on a date, the whole night I was alternately happy and terrified.”

“You and Jake are dating. Nathan and I-“

“Could be,” Peyton finished for her. “All you have to do is acknowledge that there’s more there.”

“It’s not that simple.” She hugged her pillow tighter. “We’re friends, Peyt. We can’t just suddenly decide to date.”

“Harry and Sally did.”

“Who?”

Peyton grinned. “Harry and Sally from that movie, When Harry Met Sally.”

“You’re referencing movies from the 80’s to help me out?”

“It’s a good movie though, and rather appropriate for your situation,” said Peyton with a soft chuckle. “Besides, you do realize that whole ‘just friends’ thing is a ruse right?”

“What?”

“Come on, Hales. You don’t really think that’s what was going on between you and Nathan, do you? I mean I didn’t buy it. And Nathan didn’t.”

“What are you talking about? Of course he-“

“He’s into you. I mean into you. The way I’m into Jake.” She gave Peyton a look of disbelief. “Oh, you don’t think so? Well, let’s review shall we?” Peyton began to ‘count’ things off on her hands. “He calls you all the time, just to talk or check up on you. You guys also e-mail, as if talking on the phone doesn’t quite cover everything you need to say to each other. He asks you out to lunch, dinners, or just to hang out. He brought you food! Jake hasn’t even done that for me and we are actually ‘officially’ dating! And last but certainly not least, I’ve seen that boy look at you the way a man who has been wandering the desert for years would look at a tall, icy glass of water.” Peyton smiled triumphantly. “He’s into you.”

“Well if he is, then why would he-“

“Do the ‘just friends’ thing? ‘Cause of you.” Peyton smiled. “What do you expect? The first chance you got, you gave him the ‘let’s be friends’ speech. You might as well as have given him the ‘you’re like the younger brother I never had’ speech. What was he supposed to do then? Put the moves on you?” Peyton shook her head. “Of course not. And despite the fact that his ego was slightly bruised, he liked you enough to be just friends if that’s what you wanted. ‘Cause at least he’d get to be around you.”

She scoffed. “You make it sound like he’s just been biding his time.”

“No,” Peyton corrected. “I don’t doubt that he really does want to be your friend, Hales. He is your friend, and from my perspective, a good one. But when you’re attracted to someone. . .when those feelings are there. . .it’s hard to ignore them.” Peyton looked at her knowingly. “As you well know.”

She put her head down on the pillow again. “It’s all just. . .messed up now.” Peyton was silent for a long while, finally forcing her to look up. She found Peyton staring at some spot on the carpet, her expression thoughtful. “What?”

Peyton’s eyes shifted over to hers. “You could just tell him.”

“Tell him what?” she asked, before it hit her. “No! No way, Peyt. Besides, why would I tell him that? That has-“

“Everything to do with this,” Peyton cut in gently. “It does, Hales. Do you think you’d be so reluctant to see what’s between you and Nathan if it weren’t for Matthew? Would you have freaked out like that?”

“Not everything that I do in my life has to do with him!” Her voice was sharper than she had intended but Peyton seemed unperturbed by it.

“You’re right,” Peyton agreed. “Not everything. But this?” Peyton looked at her questioningly. “Let me ask you something. I mean I don’t know Nathan that well, but I got the sense that he’s pretty cool. Am I wrong? Is he really like Matthew?”

“No. Of course not!” she denied instantly. Nathan wasn’t at all like Matthew. But then, Matthew hadn’t been ‘Matthew’ when she had first met him either.

“Then what else is it Hales? What’s tripping you up here? Nathan Scott likes you. If you forget that he’s a celebrity, a pro athlete and completely loaded. . .you still get a drop dead gorgeous guy who’s sweet, caring, thoughtful and a pretty good friend. He’s also totally into you.” Peyton looked at her seriously. “What exactly is tripping you up with this scenario?”

I like him too much, she thought silently. She sighed. Which of course, only proved Peyton’s point. “Peyton, things are just. . .me going over there and telling him my sob story about Matthew would only make me look like some crazy, pathetic nut case, and I can’t even go over there to talk to him because his house is like behind this huge gate and I don’t have the access code and besides, he probably doesn’t even want to talk to me.”

Peyton shook her head. “So many issues to address in that. First of all, it’s called a telephone, dear. You just call and ask him if you can come over. If you don’t want to do that, call Lucas. I’ll bet he’ll give you the access codes if you just ask him. And of course he wants to talk to you. The poor boy is probably waiting around for you since he doesn’t know what’s going on. He probably thinks you’re mad at him so he’s just waiting for you.” Peyton sighed. “And if you ever, ever call yourself crazy or pathetic in relation to Matthew, I will smack you! You were never either of those things!”

“Peyton-“

“Talk to him, Hales. If you don’t want to have a relationship with him then fine. But you have to talk to him. Don’t you at least owe him that as his friend? Or did you really think your plan of just moping around here was working?” Peyton smiled. “Besides, if you won’t talk to him for you, do it for me, O.K.?”

“For you?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause if you let Matthew continue to influence your life and decisions like this, I am going to hunt that bastard down and kill him. And then I’ll spend the rest of my life in jail, wasting away in bitter anger.” Peyton looked at her, and she didn’t know if her friend was serious or joking. “You don’t want that, do you?”

~*~

She nervously punched in the access code that Lucas had given her. A bit too enthusiastically if you asked her. She had wondered why Lucas had been so eager to give her Nathan’s security codes, but had brushed it off. It wasn’t as if Lucas had any reason to not trust her with the codes. After all, Lucas, more than anyone, knew how close she and Nathan had grown.

She sighed, waiting for the gate to finish opening. Her talk with Peyton had made her realize just how unfair she had been to Nathan. From the first moment she had met him, there had been an attraction, but she had suppressed it. Willfully denied its existence. But she could see now that she hadn’t been very successful at it.

Spending all that time with Nathan had only fed that attraction. To the point where she could no longer control it. And then when she had lost that control, she had taken it out on him. He hadn’t kissed her against her will. Honestly, if he hadn’t kissed her first, she probably would have kissed him. Who kissed who first was really immaterial. That was a mutual kiss. . .and something she had wanted. But the way she had acted had made it seem like Nathan had done something wrong. If nothing else, she owed him an apology for that. In person.

She gripped the steering wheel of her car tightly. She had been nervous the entire drive over here. She didn’t really know what to say to him. But she would talk to Nathan, and hopefully, somehow, they would be able to fix this. As for Matthew. . .she was hoping that wouldn’t come up. She just didn’t. . .she couldn’t bring herself to tell Nathan about him. She couldn’t tell anyone really. Peyton only knew because she had witnessed the entire ugly situation. Had tried to warn her away from the entire, ugly situation.

Well, at least you’re learning to listen to Peyton now, she thought wryly.

As the gate finally, fully opened, she eased her car up his long, driveway that was shaped like a teardrop. She had been here before. Only once, and she was still awestruck by the incredible beauty and grandeur of his house. ‘Huge’ didn’t seem to adequately describe the size and scope of the house.

She slowly pushed the car up the driveway and parked it behind Nathan’s gleaming silver SUV and jet black Porsche. Her nervousness ratcheted up considerably at that point. . .combined with a slight sense of excitement. A part of her was excited to see him again, and even if what was to come was unpleasant, she would at least get to talk to him. She had missed that in the last few days.

Sighing, she got out of the car and began to trek towards his front door. You’re completely hopeless. She wondered if she would ever manage to get a hold of her feelings ever again. Whether she’d ever understand or be able to make sense of them again. She reached the front door and pressed the buzzer but received no response. A feeling of relief washed over her. Perhaps she had been given a reprieve.

Coward.

Just then, she heard the sound of the gate opening once again. She frowned. She was pretty sure that Nathan only owned the two cars currently sitting in his driveway. So chances were he was with someone, which meant that she was probably going to interrupt something. Great.

Well, you’re already here, so no backing out now.

She drew in a deep breath and walked back out to the driveway, ready to meet Nathan as he came in. She had only taken a few steps when she spotted him, in the driver’s seat of a red Mercedes convertible. In the passenger’s seat was a gorgeous, slightly older looking woman, perfectly made up, her golden brown hair not even mussed despite the top being down. She and Nathan were laughing about something and hadn’t noticed her, but once the Mercedes was put into park, they both looked up.

She wished then that she had the power to make herself invisible. Or at least melt into the ground. Anything but to stand there and be so completely humiliated. But since she had neither of those powers, they spotted her immediately.

The woman looked at her questioningly but she quickly shifted her eyes to Nathan, who looked less than happy to see her there. “Haley.”

CHAPTER SIX – True Confessions

She bolted, which was foolish but that was her first instinct. Too many emotions that she didn’t know how to deal with churned inside of her, making her feel even more out of control. And she hated that feeling. It brought back too many bad memories.

“Haley!” She heard Nathan’s voice not too far from her and a car door slam. But she ignored it, walking as fast as she could towards her car. She knew that her plan to run had some very serious flaws. Not only would she have had to wait for the gate to open before she could make her escape, but the Mercedes was blocking her way. The best that she could hope for was to make it to her car and then just sit there. Still, she tried. Rationality was not the guiding force behind her actions just then.

It didn’t take him long to reach her. “Haley.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just shown up like this. Obviously you’re busy. I’m just gonna go.” She threw the words at him quickly as she continued walking towards her car.

“Will you just slow down?” he asked, reaching out and grabbing her arm.

His touch ignited an anger deep within her. An anger that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in a long time. . .if ever. She shook his hand off. “Don’t touch me!” Nathan recoiled at her words, confusion playing across his eyes, which only made her angrier. Like he doesn’t know why I’m mad! “I should have known! I can’t believe I was so stupid! You’re just like him!”

“Just like who?” He sounded genuinely confused but she noted the trace of anger in his voice.

“None of your business!” she bit out irately. She took a step towards her car but he quickly shifted so that he blocked her way. “Do you mind?”

“Yes, I do,” he retorted. “You just show up here and start yelling at me for no reason and now-“

“No reason?” she shot back. She gestured at the Mercedes, where the woman was now leaning against the passenger’s side door, looking very uncomfortable. “You don’t call that a reason?”

He glanced at the car and then back at her. “What? You don’t think that-”

“What! Don’t pretend with me!” she cried. “Do you know what it took for me to come over here? I can’t believe I even wanted to talk things over with you! I can’t believe I even thought that there could be something more between us. You don’t even care! That kiss didn’t mean anything to you did it? Of course it didn’t! How could I even think that it did? You’ve kissed what? Thousands of girls? I always knew you were a-“

“That’s it!” Nathan’s eyes flashed angrily before grabbing her hand and began to pull her back towards his house.

“Let go of me!” She tried to pull out of his grasp, but he was too strong. Besides, she was a little busy trying to match his much longer strides.

Nathan ignored her and pulled her up to the Mercedes. He smiled tightly at the woman who was looking like she wanted to be anywhere but there. “Jane, this is Haley. We’re having a bit of an, ah,. . .issue. So I’m going to have to postpone our talk about selling the house, O.K.? How about I give you a call sometime next week? Thanks a lot for showing me those properties today.”

With another tight smile at Jane, who looked completely taken aback, he headed towards his front door, still keeping a tight hold on her. He dug in his pockets for his keys and unlocked his door, and once he had opened it, he pulled her inside and into his massive living room. Only then did he finally release her hand.

That brief exchange with the woman. . .Jane. . .outside had just clued her in on how completely wrong she had been in her assumptions. That and how she had managed to humiliate herself far worse than if she had just stood there silently in the driveway. She groaned inwardly, as her angry words came back to her.

She closed her eyes, hoping the action would erase her words somehow. Of course it didn’t. She opened them again to find Nathan standing across from her, blue eyes darkened with anger, his body completely rigid.

“You know,” he began, his voice a low rumble. “I get that you’re upset with me about the kiss. Although I don’t necessarily understand why you’re upset but I get it. And from the look on your face when you saw me, I was assuming you were still upset but-“

“Nathan-“

He glared at her. “But. . .was that scene out there. . .” He stopped and expelled an angry breath. “You couldn’t have waited until we were alone? You just had to start in on me right then and there? And whatever your opinion of me is, to bring someone like Jane into it. . .I mean that’s just. . .”

She stared at him helplessly. What could she say? He was absolutely right. “I, um.. .” She sighed. “I’m sorry. I. . .misunderstood.”

“Yes, you did,” he said in a clipped voice.

Again, her words raced through her head and she winced. God, the awful things she had said to him. She groaned and sank down onto one of the plush sofas, her head into her hands. “Oh, God.”

This wasn’t her. She did not come over to someone’s house and start yelling at them because she had jumped to very wrong conclusions. She did not make scenes. She was not some jealous harpy. But that was exactly what she had acted like. And she had been jealous. Completely and irrationally jealous. Just the sight of Nathan with some other woman had turned her into a crazy shrew. Clearly, her feelings for him ran far deeper than ‘just friends.’

But that realization did little to comfort her. In fact, it only increased her dismay. Things were so. . .uncertain between them already. And now she had just gone and had messed things up even more. Which was ironic, considering she had originally come over hoping to fix things. Now she just had a lot more to fix. A whole lot more. She wasn’t even sure if she could fix it now.

She sighed softly and looked back up. Nathan was still standing there, but his anger seemed to have dissipated, replaced by. ..she wasn’t sure what. He was looking at her doubtfully, as if trying to decide what to do.

“Nathan, I’m. . .” Her voice cracked, as her angry words at him again echoed in her head. How could she have said all of that to him? She knew him better than that. And he was none of those things. She had even compared him to Matthew, which was so wrong, simply because it was so untrue.

His expression softened slightly and he sighed before he came around and sat down in the couch across from her. “Look, Haley, I know you’re upset that I kissed you and-“

She shook her head. “No. I-I mean yeah, the kiss upset me but not because it happened. Well, in a way, it is because it happened but not because-“ She stopped. Now she could throw in ‘incoherent’ onto the list of things that was currently wrong with her too.

Silence descended upon them. Not their usual, comfortable silence but a silence that you could feel, and almost see. The kind of silence that was so loud, you heard it with each passing second.

“Who is he?” Nathan suddenly asked.

“W-what?”

“The guy you think I’m like.”

“No, I don’t,” she denied sincerely. “I just-“

“So why’d you say it?”

She shook her head, looking down at the ground. She hadn’t meant it, but Nathan did have a point. There had been a reason she had said those things to him. “It’s. . .” She sighed.

She had thought that she had put Matthew far behind her. She had honestly thought that all of Peyton’s ‘gentle’ admonishments were just Peyton being. . .Peyton. She knew she was a little wary of dating. ..maybe even a lot. But a part of her honestly believed that she didn’t need it. Not now. She had what she needed. Her family, her friends, her career in high drive.

But the anger she had felt outside. . .that came from somewhere else. It was anger she had thought she successfully ignored and suppressed. Much like what had happened with Matthew. She didn’t want to deal with him after. . . .so she just hadn’t. And up until now, she had been convinced that it was working. It wasn’t.

She looked up at Nathan, into blue eyes shimmering with concern. She owed Nathan, now more than ever, an explanation. Maybe it wouldn’t fix anything. Maybe she would come off as crazy and pathetic. But would that be any worse than her recent behavior with him? ‘Cause frankly, after her ugly display outside, having Nathan think of her as ‘crazy and pathetic’ was probably a good thing just then.

“His name is Matthew,” she said quietly.

~*~

Matthew.

Nathan hated the guy already. He didn’t know anything but the guy’s first name but he knew he already hated the guy. He had always suspected that something deeply troubled Haley. . .he saw flashes of it in those big brown eyes of hers at times. Flashes of this. ..lingering sadness.

He understood. Sometimes. . .sometimes. . .things happened that changed you. It left its mark on you. There were things that you just couldn’t ‘spring back’ from. . .some things went too deep. . .hurt too much. Some things you just carried with you for the rest of your life.

He had sensed this in Haley a while ago. Or maybe he had just recognized it in her. He had thought it had to do with her mother, but as time had passed, as he had gotten to know her, he had suspected that it was something else. And he, understandably, had been curious as to what could have happened to make her expression cloud over with sadness. . .if only briefly at times.

But he had never pushed her to tell. He understood, all too well, wanting to keep those kind of wounds private. Taking it out. . .talking about it. . .sometimes it just opened up the wound all over again. And that was oftentimes, much more painful. He tended to think that hindsight was nothing more than salt to rub into your past indiscretions. So when she had withdrawn from certain things. ..certain questions. . .he had let her because he knew. . .and understood.

So he didn’t know what to do now. Because she was going to tell him. . .and he didn’t know if he could handle it. He had so little experience in being there for someone. Raised to be selfish and then encouraged later in life to elevate that selfishness to a high art, it had just been in recent years that he had learned the finer points of ‘give and take’ in a relationship. And he wasn’t sure he had really learned those lessons well.

Could he deal with what she was about to tell him? What if he said the wrong thing? His relationship with Haley now was not only still so new. . .but there was a new hesitancy. . .a doubt. . .to it that he just didn’t know if he was ready. . .if they were ready. . .for something like this.

He glanced up at her, and instantly whatever doubt he had slowly faded away. However things stood with them, he knew that he cared about her. A lot. And she needed him. That was all that mattered. If he was uncertain about how to handle this, the least he could do was just to be there and listen.

“Matthew Hackett,” she said softly, her eyes cast downward. Her expression thoughtful. “I, uh, met him my junior year in college at Duke.” She shook her head. “He, um, as silly as this sounds, swept me off my feet.” She chuckled ruefully. “God! That does sound silly. . .ridiculous actually. But he was. . .the first. . .in so many ways and I really did feel swept up in it all.” She shook her head again. “That sounds like such a bad cliché.”

“No, it doesn’t,’ he said softly.

“It seems like one now. Experience has a way of coloring your perspective.” She sighed. “We, um, started dating and things just moved really, really fast. Before I knew it, we were engaged.”

He said nothing. He didn’t want to interrupt. Even during her pauses, he knew she was just gathering her thoughts and he wanted to let her dictate the rhythm of this conversation.

She winced slightly. “I was, um. . . .really happy for a time. I mean I look back at it now and it’s all just. . .a mess. But honestly, I was happy. I mean school was going great. . .I had my Dad and my sister was pregnant with her second child. . . .I had good friends like Peyton. And I had found the man of my dreams.” She chuckled then, but the sound was completely devoid of humor. “But I uh, yeah. . .I was happy. For a little while, I thought I had it all.”

“It was an amazing feeling.” Haley’s voice became wistful. “I mean to think that someone loved you so much they’d want to share the rest of their life with you. And you with them. It makes you feel. ..invincible. Like you can do anything.” She sighed. “But it also. . .consumes you. Like it’s the only thing in the world. You start to. . .depend on it. And if it’s not there anymore, you feel. . .you feel. . .lost. Adrift. Empty.”

“Sounds like a drug,” he said softly.

She looked up at him, momentarily startled but then nodded. “It does, doesn’t it? I mean I look back on it and I can’t believe half the things I did. . .or allowed to happen. It was like I wasn’t. . .myself.” She shook her head. “That would be the easy thing to do. Pretend like I didn’t know what I was doing. That it wasn’t me. But it was. And I just.. .I wanted to have that feeling continue. I just wanted to stay like that with Matthew forever. . .carefree, happy and in love.”

“That doesn’t sound like a bad thing, Hales.”

“No, it’s not,” she agreed. “Being in love isn’t a bad thing. . .as long as it’s with the right person. It’s just. . .” Her voice trailed off.

“Matthew wasn’t the right person?”

“No, no he wasn’t. He definitely wasn’t the right person.”

Silence descended then as Haley turned and stared out the large windows that overlooked his landscaped backyard. Her expression was sad. . .but distant. As if she was lost in the recollections of her time with Matthew.

“What happened?” he asked gently.

“Matthew was a couple of years older and he finished his graduate work that year. He had spent the summer before that interning for this company down in Florida and after he graduated, they offered him a full time position which he took. We, uh, well, actually I wanted to stay and finish my studies at Duke and Matthew wasn’t happy about that which in hindsight should have tipped me off. A lot of things should have tipped me off actually. I just. . .didn’t want to see.” She expelled a slow breath. “I just. . .didn’t want to see or know anything that could burst my happy bubble you know? I mean Peyton didn’t really like Matthew. . .actually she pretty much hated him. And my Dad and sister weren’t exactly bowled over with enthusiasm when I told them about my engagement but I just. . .I rationalized it as them not knowing him. That’s what I told myself. If only they knew him, they would love him like I did.”

“Guess I was the one who didn’t know him.” She shook her head. “Anyways, we decided that I would stay in Durham and finish my last year. I was going to take summer classes and try and finish by the winter break that year and then move down to Florida. In the meantime, we’d do the long distance commute thing, which was hard but I. . .I mean I didn’t get down to Florida as often as we wanted but you know I thought we were making it work.”

“Actually, that’s not true. I thought I was making it work. Matthew thought I could do more. He used to get so upset about me only coming down once every few weeks. And he’d always say it was because he missed me so much and being without me was driving him crazy and I thought that was so sweet you know? It never occurred to me to ask him why he didn’t fly up here to see me. I mean he had his job but I remember him telling me about his plans for the weekend and getting upset that he had all this free time while I was studying, trying to organize the wedding or just keeping things going. But every time I brought it up. . .he’d just tell me he couldn’t and then ask me if I didn’t miss him and I just. . .”

She sighed. “I should have known better. I mean all the signs were there. Maybe hindsight is 20/20 but those signs were there. I just. . .I didn’t want to see them. I wanted my happy fairy tale.” She closed her eyes, but not before he saw the look of pain in them. “But it just got to be too hard to ignore you know? So I confronted him and he. . .”

“What?”

“He blamed me,” she said, her voice wry but he heard the underlying distress.

“He what!” His hatred for the guy instantly skyrocketed.

She shrugged. “Yeah, um, see. . .his reasoning was. . .well, basically, he had needs and I wasn’t fulfilling them so. . .”

"He was wrong, Hales. Dead wrong.”

“I know,” she said softly. “Now. But back then? I just. . .I wanted my happy feeling. I wanted. .. .I just. . .I told myself that I loved him and you know, I should forgive him because that’s what you did with someone you loved right? Besides, if I just left at the first sign of trouble I’d be no better than my-” She stopped and shook her head. “And he just. . .he had a way of twisting things around so that his version of it actually. . .made sense. I mean he was telling me that he was so lonely and he missed me and it was just a moment of weakness and I. . .believed it. I never even considered that he had just admitted to cheating on me. I just believed that he did it because he loved me so much.” She laughed bitterly. “God. . .saying that out loud makes it sound even dumber than it-“

“Haley, it’s not dumb. The guy was manipulating you.”

“Yeah, well. . .” The expression on her face told him she didn’t really believe what he was saying, which only made him angrier at this Matthew guy. He couldn’t believe someone could treat Haley like that. To make her doubt herself in such a way. “Anyway, he swore it’d never happen again and he begged me to move down there with him. He said it would solve all our problems. So I did. I quit school and moved down to Florida, determined to make things work between us.”

“And boy. . .was I determined. I was going to create this perfect family for us. I’d make our apartment perfect and cater to his every need and never give him a reason to even think about cheating again. I’d make him my life.”

He looked down at the floor, trying hard to process what she was saying but he honestly couldn’t quite grasp it. The Haley he knew was so fiercely independent that the mere thought of her subjugating her own dreams, desires. . .her very life. . .for someone else was almost laughable. And certainly she wouldn’t do that for a guy like Matthew. . .a guy like Matthew she would have smacked down if he had tried to come within 10 feet of her. Look at what she had done to him at their first meeting.

“You don’t understand do you?” she asked him quietly.

He glanced up and met her eyes and tried to hide his confusion but he saw that he was unsuccessful. “Hales, it’s not that. I just. . .it just doesn’t sound like you.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t, does it? And you know, I wish I could say that. You don’t know how much I wish I could say that it wasn’t me. That I didn’t know what I was doing.” She smiled sadly. “But I did. And it was me. I knew exactly what I was doing when I packed my things up and moved to Florida. I knew what I was doing when I dropped out of Duke. I knew what I was doing when I convinced myself to stick things out. . .even when I just knew. . .deep inside. . .that the relationship wasn’t worth fighting for.”

“We all make mistakes Haley.”

She glanced at him briefly. “These kinds of mistakes? The kind that you should know better than to make? The kind people who love you try and warn you from?”

If she only knew. “Yes.”

This time, she held his eyes for longer and he saw a momentary flash of curiosity in them before she sighed. “I guess, but you know it just. . .doesn’t make it easier to accept. I just. . .I can’t believe how. . .stupidly stubborn I was. I mean my Dad and sister absolutely hated the idea of me marrying Matthew. ..to the point where they were threatening to not come to the wedding. And Peyton? She just. . .she hated Matthew with every fiber of her being and she kept telling me to get away and after a while, our friendship just couldn’t take the strain.”

“But I was determined,” she continued, her voice a calm monotone but the pain clearly evident in her eyes. “I wanted this wedding because I had this insane idea that once we were married, he’d become this loving, faithful husband. As if a marriage certificate had the ability to magically solve all our problems.” She shrugged. “Besides, it was all I had left. I wasn’t in school. When I dropped out, I lost the partial scholarship I had to Duke. My relationship with my family was strained at best and Peyton and I couldn’t talk anymore. I was in this strange new city and all my other friends were back here. So my plan to make him. . .make us. . .my whole life worked out better than even I thought it would.”

She got up suddenly and walked over to the windows, staring out at his backyard. “I never let myself consider whether I wanted to marry him. Whether I should. Because the answer would have been ‘no.’ I just. . .I thought that if you put enough into a relationship. . .if you just didn’t quit or leave. . .if you just kept at it, it’d work out.” She shook her head. “Like it was a damn crossword puzzle or something.”

“Haley-“ he began.

“Please don’t say it.”

“What?” he asked gently. “Don’t say that you had the best of intentions? That it’s not your fault you fell in love with someone completely unworthy of it? That you weren’t wrong to try and fight for a relationship that you believed in? Or that you’re a good person and the only thing you did was get involved with a lousy, manipulative bastard? Because it’s all true.”

She turned and met his gaze and he was acutely affected by the emotions he saw in her tear-filled eyes. “Thank you.”

“It’s the truth.”

She bit her lip, but a lone tear escaped, which she brushed away impatiently. “Yeah, well, another truth was that I should have gotten out of that relationship long before then. But I just had to see it to the bitter end.”

She turned back to gaze out the windows. When she spoke again, he was taken aback by the anguish he heard in her voice. “I had to have my crowning moment.” She sighed. “I. . . .was going to surprise him. It was a Saturday and I told him I needed to run some errands for the day but that I’d be back in time for dinner. I was going to make him dinner and do the whole romantic. . .” She stopped and shook her head. “Um, so I actually came home early. . .thinking he’d be gone since he said something about meeting up with some friends and playing football but he. . .”

“Uh, he was home. . .with. . .and I saw them. . .in our bed and. . .” Her words came out dissonantly. They sounded strangled, as if she were forcing them out.

Intense anger at Matthew battled the immense sympathy he felt for Haley just then. From the raw pain he heard in her voice, he knew that she was recalling that horrific moment right then and there. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how she must have felt in that moment. Nor could he understand how someone could be so callous with her feelings. “I’m sorry, Hales.”

She drew in a shuddering breath and when she spoke again, her voice had returned to that emotionless monotone. “It was. . .it, uh, did some good.”

“Some good?”

“It kick-started my brain,” she returned evenly. “It was like a fog lifted. Like I’d been asleep and this loud alarm just went off.” She paused and he saw her shoulders tense. “It forced me to finally face up to the situation. I couldn’t live in denial any more. Obviously. . .we broke up. Which was good, but by then I had just. . .I had let my life get so far away from me.”

She cleared her throat. “I. . .had nothing. The apartment was in his name and he wasn’t exactly feeling generous or noble about things so I had no place to go. I had no money. No job. No friends or family there. I just. . .had nothing.”

“What happened Hales?”

“I, uh, went to this cheap motel. Lived off my credit card for a week. I spent most of my time just. . . .lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. But mostly, I was really mad. At myself.”

“Haley-“

“And then I, uh, swallowed my pride,” she cut him off quickly. “Called my father and he came and took me home. After that, I decided to get my life back in order. I transferred to UNC since I just didn’t want to deal with anything that even remotely had to do with Matthew. Thankfully I’ve always done well in school so my grades helped to make the transfer fairly smooth. I really focused on school. I made up my final year in a semester and a half. I even got a scholarship to graduate school, and you know, when I graduate this summer, I’ll be right on track. It’ll be like the whole thing. . .didn’t happen.”

“I also rebuilt my relationships. With my family. And Peyton-“ Her voice cracked. “She. . .just called me up one day and said simply, ‘Lunch?’ and when we met. ..it was like. . .we hadn’t missed a beat.”

She fell quiet then, and he simply stared at her back as she continued to look out the window. He didn’t quite know what to do or say. That wasn’t quite true. A part of him was ready to go out and track down this Matthew guy and give him the same treatment he had been giving his heavy bag over the weekend.

“I’m sorry,” she said suddenly.

“What?”

“About freaking out on you.” She sighed softly. “That really. . .wasn’t about you.”

“Haley. . .” he said with a shake of his head as he stood up and moved over towards her. He stood a few feet away and waited until she turned to look at him.

~*~

Haley drew in deep, quiet breaths. She could feel Nathan behind her, waiting for her to turn and face him and she knew she needed to. Only it didn’t seem that easy. Confessions may be good for the soul, but they weren’t exactly easy on the mind. She had just done the one thing she had hoped she’d never have to do. . .tell someone about Matthew. Confess to how stupid. . .how blind. . .how gullible she had been. Reveal how she had been humiliated to such an extent. And the worst part was she had allowed much of it to happen.

So, she was reluctant to face Nathan. She knew he would be understanding. . .or at least he’d try to be. But if she didn’t understand it. . .how could she expect him to? Feeling the weight of the silence between them grow heavier, she drew in another breath before she slowly turned.

He stood before her, looking at her with an expression of concern, while his eyes flickered with some other emotion she couldn’t quite place. “Are you O.K.?”

She bit her lip and nodded. For a brief instant, she felt a wave of emotions hit her, which threatened to knock her off-balance but she fought against it. Fought against the tears lurking just behind her eyes. “Uh. . .yeah. I mean this is silly. It was just a bad relationship. I shouldn’t-“

“Don’t do that,” he cut in firmly, although his voice was gentle. “It sounded more than just a bad relationship to me. It sounded like hell for you. You loved this guy with all your heart and he just stomped all over that. You have every right to be upset about it. Even now.”

Again, she felt the wave of emotions surge and she fought against it. “I’m not upset. . .not really. I’m. . .mad. At myself. Even now I can’t believe I let things get that far. It was stupid and-“

“Hey,” he said with mock sternness. “I can’t have you talking about my friend that way.” He smiled gently at her. “Haley, trust me. It wasn’t you. Guys like that. . .they’re the ones who are stupid. And this Matthew guy is the biggest idiot because he had someone like you loving him and he just. . . .” Nathan looked at her tenderly. “If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at him for not loving you the way you deserve.”

The emotions she was trying so hard to hold back finally spilled over at his words. A small sob escaped her and suddenly, she was wrapped up tightly. . .comfortingly. . .in his strong arms. Her tears burst forth as if they had been released from behind a dam and she just sobbed. And Nathan just held her. She didn’t know how long she cried but eventually, there were no more tears. She sighed and rested her head against his chest, as he rubbed her back soothingly.

After a while, she gently pushed away from him. His arms slowly, almost reluctantly, released her. She cleared her throat. She felt slightly embarrassed by her breakdown just then, but mostly, she felt relieved. She hadn’t really cried like that over Matthew until then. She hadn’t allowed herself. She had refused to cry over him. He didn’t deserve it she had told herself. She had never considered if she had deserved it.

She had never told anyone the whole story. . .not her family. . .not Peyton. Again, she had just wanted to get on with her life. She told her family and Peyton the bare facts, and they already knew much of it first hand, but she hadn’t really talked about it until then. With Nathan.

And it was. . .cathartic. She had needed it. As if she had finally been able to release all the emotions she had fought all this time to hold in. As if she had finally given herself permission to be angry. . .at herself. . .but at Matthew as well.

And with that catharsis came understanding. . .and clarity.

How ironic, she thought to herself. How ironic that she had been so determined to put Matthew behind her. . .to not let him be a factor in her life, and yet, he had been. By not dealing with him. . .by trying to pretend the whole thing had never happened. . .she had given it even more importance. Given him far more importance than she had intended.

Peyton’s words came back to her.

What exactly is tripping you up with this scenario?

Peyton was right. Nathan is an amazing person. The superficial stuff like his good looks and money aside, he was kind, patient and caring. He had just proven what a great friend he was to her. And surely, only a guy who really liked you would put up with the crazy behavior that she had been exhibiting in the past few days. What exactly was tripping her up?

Matthew she answered herself silently. Her fears. . .her doubts. . .much of it came back to him. And how she had handled the aftermath of her relationship with him. It angered her. Matthew had messed up her life enough. She had let him do that once. She had let him influence her life in such a damaging way before and she wouldn’t do it again. If she did, then all that time. . .all that pain. . .it would be for nothing. And she wasn’t going to let that happen. Not again.

No matter how scared she was about changing things with Nathan, her fears couldn’t begin to compete with the courage that her realization suddenly gave her.

“Um. . .” she began and then noticed the wet spot on his T-shirt. “Oh, God. Your shirt. I-“

He looked down and then smiled. “Forget it. It was the shirt’s pleasure. Mine too. Anything we can do to help.”

“I. . .thank you.” She smiled slightly. “And, um, I usually don’t have these crazy freak-outs that often. Recent behavior aside.”

“I understand, Hales,” he said, completely serious.

And she knew he did. Which gave her another boost of courage. “I actually came over to talk to you about. . .us.”

Wariness crept into his eyes, but his expression didn’t change. “Us?”

“Yeah, I-“

He sighed. “Look, Hales, I. . .shouldn’t have kissed you. It just. . .changed things and I know now you don’t want that and I don’t really blame you, given what happened a few years ago but-“

“Nathan, that’s not-“ She stopped and sighed. This was actually a lot harder than she thought. “You’re right. It did change things, but I think it needed to.”

He looked at her questioningly. “Needed to?”

“’Cause we. .. well, at least I. . .have been trying to.. .pretend that there wasn’t something. . .”

Nathan looked at her, his expression serious. “Look, Hales, I. . .really value our friendship. I don’t want anything to happen to it.”

“I don’t either,” she said softly. “But we’re not just friends are we?”

His eyes met hers, and for the first time, honest understanding passed between them. “No.”

She nodded. “We really can’t keep pretending you know. I mean it’ll just. . .mess things up. . .assuming it’s not already messed up.”

“Is it?”

She looked into his blue eyes, and saw worry emanating from them. “I. . .don’t think so.”

He visibly relaxed. “I’m glad.” She smiled. “So. . .”

“So?”

He smiled slightly at her passing it back to him. “Should we. . .try it? The ‘more than friends’ thing?”

Her fears came back again. But unlike before, it didn’t overpower her. It didn’t make her feel like running. Instead, this fear was interwoven with her equally strong desire to see where things with Nathan went. Because she just knew that if she didn’t take this chance, she would lose Nathan, and she didn’t want that. She didn’t really understand her feelings for Nathan. . .there was still so much confusion and uncertainty, but she knew that. She didn’t want to lose him. Still, her feelings didn’t make it easy for her to articulate an answer for him so she simply nodded.

And in that moment, she felt like she had just taken a step off a very steep cliff. The funny thing was, she was more aware of the incredible rush than of the potential crash.

Chapters 7 - 9

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