Living in the Moment
by Kate
CHAPTER TEN – Everything Changes
Haley couldn’t look away from the emotions she saw in his eyes. It was hypnotizing. She hadn’t realized that so many emotions could be contained within someone’s eyes until that moment. But there they were. . . .clearly visible, despite the darkness of the night that surrounded them.
Fear. Regret. Sadness. Nervousness. But she could see some relief mixed in there too. Each emotion seemingly fought the other. Regret, however, appeared to dominate. She realized then that she had never seen. . .or heard. . .forgiveness from Nathan when talk turned to whatever it was he was about to tell her. And that made her heart ache for him.
“Nathan,” she said softly. “You know I wouldn’t. . . .whatever it is that happened. . .you know I’d understand right?”
He looked away, towards the ocean. “How could you? You don’t even know what happened.”
“I know you,” she said simply.
“Maybe you don’t,” he countered.
The stark pain that she heard behind his words shocked her. Nathan was always so confident. There were moments where she glimpsed his vulnerability. . ..glimpsed the effects that whatever happened had on him But those glimpses. . .they never seemed to define who he was. . .didn’t affect that confidence he carried with him as if it were a part of his very skin. But just then, she began to wonder because she had never heard him sound quite like that.
“I know you’re a great guy,” she said quietly, but firmly.
“You didn’t think that when we first met,” he pointed out. “Your first impression of me might be closer to the truth.”
“Nathan, just tell me. Whatever it is, I’d understand. Really.”
He turned back to her and she could literally feel his hesitation but then he sighed softly before he got up and walked over towards the railing. “Where should I start?”
“Wherever you want.”
“You know about my, I mean, Lucas’. . . .well. . .Dan?”
“Yes.”
“What did Lucas tell you about him?”
She frowned. That wasn’t exactly an easy question to answer. Lucas’ family situation was the only one that would easily trump hers in dysfunctionalism. It could easily trump most families.’ “Just that. . .you know. . .things were complicated.”
“Complicated. Yeah. That’s a good way to describe it.” He chuckled but it sounded strange. “I’m sure you know about my Dad’s. . .obsession with basketball right? How he really wanted to make it in the pros but missed his shot?” She remained silent, knowing that Nathan didn’t really expect an answer to his questions. “That obsession spilled over to me. Since he missed his shot, he was determined that I wasn’t going to miss mine.”
“Since I was old enough to hold a tiny ball in my hands, that’s all I heard about. Basketball. . .the pros. . .achieving greatness. It was like basketball was the family’s legacy, only without the achievements to back it up. Which meant the pressure was like. . .ten times worse.” He shook his head slightly. “You know, I read somewhere once how hard it was for kids from famous families to find their way in life, ‘cause they’d always be expected to live up to what their father, or mother or grandparents had accomplished. And it’d be even harder if they were in the same business as their family. It’d be like if one of Michael Jordan’s sons became a pro ball player. The poor kid would have the weight of the world on his shoulders before he ever played his first game, and after that. . .it’d be his father’s record this or record that.”
“That’s what it was like for me. . .but different.” He sighed softly. “’Cause I didn’t have a famous father with his own achievements. Instead I had a father who regretted what he didn’t achieve. That became even worse pressure. Every time I missed a shot or lost a game, he just drove me to work harder. . .to be better. I needed to fix his failures too.”
She waited patiently as he paused and looked out at the ocean. Honestly, she didn’t even know what to say at this point. When she and Lucas were young, they hadn’t realized how bad things were for Nathan. Lucas had resented his father’s negligence towards him, and had always envied Nathan for having a ‘complete’ family. Later, when they had reconnected, Lucas had only vaguely hinted at how Nathan’s upbringing hadn’t been as idyllic as they had imagined when they had been young and naïve. But she had never imagined it had been quite like he was now describing.
“I’m not saying all of this to. . .excuse anything. Lots of people have crappy parents or crappy childhoods and they don’t grow up and. . . .” He exhaled a long, slow breath. “Growing up, everything was so. . .controlled. My diet. . .my exercise. . .free time. . . .friends. Everything revolved around basketball. If I was doing something that wasn’t something improving my game, I shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.”
“I rebelled you know, but in small ways. Nothing really big and nothing to really do with basketball. Besides, I. . .I’ll admit that I. . .liked what basketball. . .being good at it. . .gave me. Back then, it gave me a free pass at a lot of things. School. . .friends. . .being the top dog among the cool kids.” He snorted. “God, that sounds ridiculous now but then, it was good. I liked it. And that just got bigger and better as I moved up.”
“That’s what I learned. From my Dad and from everyone else. As long as I was good at basketball, I could get away with anything.” He sighed deeply. “That’s a pretty fucked up view of the world for a kid. Especially one who had almost unlimited privileges. It’s also pretty dangerous.”
“And you know, I liked playing the game. I mean just playing it. . .it was fun. And I was good at it and I liked that. For someone like me. . .being good at something was. . .it defined me. I mean I didn’t really have anything other than basketball. Even as Luke and I grew close towards the end of high school, we still had. . .growing pains so. . . .basketball was the only sure thing for me. As long as I was good at it, everything else fell in place.”
“Of course all these scholarship offers rolled in, including from all the big name schools in North Carolina. But I took UCLA’s offer. I mean I wanted to go to a good basketball program, but I made my decision mostly ‘cause I really wanted to get away from Tree Hill and my father. Everything. I just. . .had enough at that point.”
“Obviously my Dad wasn’t too thrilled with my decision, which of course, made me like my decision all the more. The more he bitched about it, the more determined I grew to get out of there.” He was telling her this in a monotone, as if reciting the day’s weather report. “We won the State championship senior year and then after a long summer of having to deal with my father, I left for UCLA. Brave new world.”
Nathan fell silent then and again, she waited patiently. After long moments had passed, he finally picked up his story again. “It really was a whole new world. For the first time ever. . .there was no one to control me. I could do whatever I wanted. I mean as long as I stayed good at basketball, I had free rein. It was like a whole new playing field. . .bigger perks. . . .better privileges. . . .higher stakes.”
“So of course, I let it go to my head.” His voice was quiet but she caught the harsh note in it. “The bigger I got in this much bigger playing field, the more things came my way and the more I started buying into everything. If I could still be one of the best among even better players, then I really must be-“ He stopped abruptly. “Just dumb. It was all dumb.”
“Nathan-“
“Anyway,” he cut her off quickly. “It just escalated you know? That. . .philosophy or whatever you want to call it that I grew up with, you know, that if I was good at basketball, I could get away with anything and have everything I wanted handed to me just became more. . .real to me. I really began to believe that’s how the world worked. College players aren’t supposed to get paid but we got free stuff. . .lots of free stuff and we were like. . .kings on campus almost. Especially during our winning run.”
“Everything was handed to me on a silver platter and I ate up. . .and then demanded more. I was out of control. I just didn’t know it.” He laughed then, mirthlessly. “To the point that when I look back on it, I wished that my Dad had been around. At least he kept me in line in high school. I mean I got away with things then too but big things. . .things that started you down a road that. . . “ He stopped and sighed. ”I didn’t have what I had in Tree Hill. People to. . .check me. My Dad, even my Mom, they stopped those things. . . .kept me off that road. Or Whitey. . .even Luke.”
She had a vague idea of where this story was headed, and she began to understand why Nathan was so reluctant to talk about this. From the hint of self-condemnation that she heard in his voice throughout his recollection, she knew that he was anything but proud of his behavior then. Still, nothing sounded that bad to her. Nothing that really explained his extreme reluctance to discuss any of this until tonight.
“Anyways,” he continued, drawing her attention back to him. “By the time I got to the pros, I was. . .pretty much doing whatever the hell I wanted. Damn the consequences, not that I suffered too many of those. Of course, things just got worse ‘cause after the draft, I signed a bunch of endorsement deals and a nice, fat contract.”
“The money just poured in,” he said, his voice sarcastic. “ Companies loved me. I mean young, attractive, predicted to be the next big thing in the NBA. They were practically throwing money at me. Which I, of course, lapped up. And then used to escalate my out-of-control behavior even more.”
“Even my own body wasn’t putting a stop to things. I mean I could get totally wasted the night before a game and score at or above my average the next day. Guess when you’re young you can bounce back from anything.” He chuckled wryly. “Almost anything.”
“So there I was. . .the next hot thing on the NBA scene and I drank it all down. Literally. There was a party to go to after every game. A new woman. . .or two at every party. Drinks. . .and drugs. . .they flowed like I had a direct line to the supplier. Which I did.” He paused and ran his hand through his hair. “Experimentation was my thing. What drug worked with what drink the best? How much could I really drink before my game was affected? How close could I get to the brink without actually overdosing?”
“Over time, this small. . .group. . .entourage. . . .whatever formed around me.” He glanced over his shoulder at her. “That’s how I know Zack. He was part of that group and we used to just go. . .crazy wherever we were. Zack seemed to always know where to get. . .the things we needed to party. During the off-season, after I bought this house, this is where we hung out, getting trashed and doing stupid things. This place was like party central.”
“That’s why you want to sell it?” she asked, as a piece of the puzzle fell into place.
“Like I could sell off some of those memories you know?” He sighed. “It’s. . .dumb to think that though. It’s not this house. . .it’s me. And those memories. I can’t sell away those memories no matter what. Maybe I’m not supposed to.”
“You know, I look back on it now and think to myself, ‘what the hell was I doing?’ I had a shot at something that a lot of people only dream about. People with more talent than me. . .a better work ethic. . .people who were more deserving. I had everything and I just. . .began to throw it all away, piece by piece. What the hell was wrong with me? Who could be that destructive? That stupid?”
He turned then, as if inviting her to join in on his self-flagellation. She knew she should have just remained silent, but she just couldn’t let this pass. “Maybe it was destructive, but you were young and you made mistakes. Who doesn’t?”
“That’s no excuse!” he bit out. “We’re not talking about breaking curfews or pulling pranks. This was about doing things that were dangerous and reckless. Even a five year old would know not to do half the things I did. I may have been young but that’s no excuse for any of this. There is no excuse.”
“If you’re waiting for me to say I think you’re stupid, it’s not going to happen,” she said quietly but firmly.
He considered her words before his lips lifted slightly. “You’re too nice, Hales.” He turned to look out at the ocean once more. “If I were you, I would definitely say that I was stupid. And that would be the ‘nice version’ of it.”
"It’s a good thing you’re not me then,” she said lightly.
He turned and glanced at her and she caught the quick smile but just as quickly, he grew somber again. “Yeah, well. . .stupid or not, that was what it was like. I was just. . .self-destructing. It didn’t affect my game at first but that didn’t last long. I began to miss games and started to rack up fines. Then I started getting into fights during games and got suspended, which only gave me more time to screw things up more.”
“My parents. . .Luke. . .the coaches. . .my agents. . .everyone. They were trying to get me to stop but I. . .” He shrugged. “I didn’t care anymore. . .didn’t care about what I had to live up to. Didn’t care what anyone was saying to me unless they were talking about when our next party was going to be. I just didn’t care.”
He turned back to her. “You know what’s weird? I liked it. It felt. . .good. I mean not the high I was getting from being drunk or from the drugs. But just. . .not having to care. Not having all these expectations follow me. Besides, I felt. . .done. You know? I made it into the pros and that was it. That was the goal I had hanging over my head since I was 10 years old and I reached it so that was it. I was done.”
He shook his head. “You have to admit that was pretty stupid. How can I be ‘done’? Especially when I was only in my early 20’s? But that’s how I felt. So it didn’t matter to me if I was just pissing all my money away. It didn’t matter to me that I was wasting my life. It didn’t matter that I was hurting people around me.”
“I probably would have just kept doing it until I was dead. Or someone else was.” He expelled a long, slow breath and closed his eyes and even in the semi-darkness she could see the pain on his face. “Which was exactly what I did.”
Silence fell between them as she looked at him, her eyes seeking the answer to the question she was reluctant to verbalize. But she knew she had to. “What do you mean?”
“I killed my best friend.”
His voice was flat, matter-of-fact, but the stark, naked pain she saw in his eyes made her voice catch in her throat. Long moments passed between them, Nathan looking straight at her, eyes shimmering with all his emotions while she tried to process what he had just said. “You. . .what?”
“I was drunk. . .high. . .just messed up out of my mind but who cares right? I could get away with anything remember? So I got into my brand new sports car and then proceeded to drive it straight into a concrete wall.” Pain passed across his features again. “I didn’t give a damn about my own life so why the hell should I have given a damn that Tim was in the car with me?”
“Oh, Nathan. . . .I’m so sorry. I-“
“Yeah, me, too.” He suddenly sounded so tired. More world-weary than anyone should ever have to be. “Tim was. . .he really was a friend, unlike Zack or the rest of ‘em. We met at UCLA. He was on the basketball team too and we became friends. He was the person I was closest to while I was in college. And after I turned pro. Tim was a decent ball player, but not someone the pros were looking at. Still, he had a shot at playing in the leagues in Europe. He was young and talented and he had his whole life ahead of him. Until I came along.”
She was literally speechless. Even if she could say something, she didn’t know what she could possibly say at that point. She had never guessed that what was haunting Nathan was something like this. She was wholly unprepared to deal with it just then. Wholly unprepared to help him deal with it. Clearly, Tim’s death weighed heavily on him. And having to recount it again had only compounded the guilt and anguish he felt. She had never seen him look so worn and tired before. Not a single trace of his cocky confidence could be seen.
“I, uh, didn’t even realize what I had done until I woke up in the hospital a few days later. Even after people filled me in, I still couldn’t remember it all. Not that it would matter. The end result would still be the same. Tim was dead because of me.” He sighed. “What’s worse is that by the time I got out of the hospital, everything had been cleaned up. Like it never happened.”
“What?” she looked at him confused.
He nodded. “Yeah, I mean. . .my Dad and my agents and everyone who had a stake in my career. . .whatever was left of it at that point. . .they managed to clean everything up. The story didn’t even stay in the press for that long. I was shuttled off to rehab until things calmed down and then. . .” Another humorless laugh. “Then I was told to move on with my life.”
“So, that’s it. The whole, ugly mess.” He expelled a long, slow breath, staring down at his feet. Finally, he lifted his eyes and looked at her expectantly.
“I. . .” She struggled to say something, knowing that she should. That she needed to. . .for him. But hearing everything just then. .. .seeing what a toll it had taken on Nathan. . .no words came to her. She wanted desperately to say something, but she just. . .couldn’t. She looked up at him and saw the hurt in his eyes. The hurt she saw, though, was not because of his past. . .but because of her silence. “Nathan-“
He shook his head, cutting her off. “Look, Haley, you don’t have to say anything. You wanted to know. I told you. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“W-what?” She stood up abruptly. “N-no. We. . .can’t. We can’t just leave it like this.”
“Yes, we can,” he returned, his voice resolute. He looked at her a beat before he pushed himself off the railing and headed inside. She could only stare after him. . .all the things she wanted to say bouncing wildly inside her head.
~*~
The next morning dawned bright and sunny but Haley could care less. She gazed disinterestedly at the rolling surf. The sky was perfectly blue and cloudless, and seemed to melt into the ocean but Haley barely noticed as she sat on the railing and scanned the beach. The patio’s railing gave her an excellent vantage point and she could see a few people milling about on the beach and some early morning joggers. But no sight of what she was looking for. No one she saw possessed that uniquely tall, muscular yet lean physique that she had come to know so well.
She sighed in frustration. Where the hell was he? She had been sitting out here ever since the sun had first come up. If she wasn’t so worried she would have appreciated that sight for what it had been. But she was worried. . .and growing more worried with each passing moment.
After Nathan had so abruptly ended things, she had retired to her room for the night, but she hadn’t slept a wink. She had paced and paced, until she couldn’t take it anymore. But she had forced herself to at least wait until she could see the sun beginning to peek over the horizon before she went to Nathan’s room.
She had quickly peeked into his bedroom and had seen that his bed hadn’t been slept in at all. A quick search of the house had revealed that he was gone. So she had ended up outside, on the patio, nursing a cup of coffee and had been searching for signs of him ever since. Since his car was still in the driveway, the beach was the only place he could have gone.
Right?
She sighed and scanned the beach again. And again, nothing.
Damn it!
Hours of contemplation had revealed to her just how damning her silence must have seemed to him. Nathan had gone into last night already worried about how she would react. Why else would have prefaced it with telling her that she probably didn’t know him? It was clear that he blamed himself. . .so much still. . .so it wasn’t that big a leap for him to assume that she had as well.
She expelled a breath in frustration when another scan of the beach came up empty. She didn’t blame him. There was no blame here. Sure, he had been reckless but she knew as well as anyone, that people made stupid decisions all the time. You couldn’t change those mistakes, but you could learn from them. And Nathan clearly had.
The fact that he was honestly trying to be a different. . .a better. . .person said so much to her. So there was no blame. If anything, all she felt was sadness. Sadness over the tragedy that had occurred. Sadness for the burden that seemed to weigh heavier and heavier on him as of late. And most of all, she was sad that she hadn’t been able to help him last night. That she hadn’t been there for him.
This whole situation was so frustrating. None of this would be happening now if only she had been able to articulate her feelings last night. For someone who could ramble on and on, that was the most inopportune moment for her to suddenly become speechless. She wanted to tell him so much. But most of all she wanted to tell him that her opinion of him hadn’t changed. Actually, it had. . .but for the better.
The person she had heard about last night was like someone else entirely. Even with their rough start, she hadn’t seen Nathan come close to being the person he had described. And over the months that they had gotten to know each other, all she had seen was someone who was kind, generous, funny, and considerate. Someone who could make her laugh. Who made her feel special whenever he was around. Who she trusted. Who she lov-
There was a brief moment of panic as the thought came to her, but that passed quickly. And then this calm settled deep within her. . .giving her realization strength and conviction.
I’m in love with him.
She couldn’t help smiling as the words played in her head. And then she whispered it to the wind. . .hesitantly, as if she were trying it out. And it. . .fitted. Perfectly.
She had expected this moment to be. . .different somehow. They’ve never had things easy. Not from the moment they had first laid eyes on each other. It had often felt like a series of stops and starts. She had expected that something like this would have been more. . .dramatic somehow. Not this quiet revelation. And certainly not her calm acceptance of it. She had thought that after Matthew, falling in love would be something she’d fight against. But here she was. Calm, accepting. . .and happy.
She was, she realized. Worry and fear still dominated her but now, there was a kind of. ..peace. . .inside of her. It gave her something to hold onto as she felt her anxiety increase exponentially. It was ironic. Realizing that she loved Nathan somehow made her stronger and gave her an inner calm that she had never felt before. . . .but it also multiplied her anxiety exponentially. Her love for him made him even more important to her, so the thought that something may have happened to him literally paralyzed her with fear.
She scanned the beach once again, and unlike the countless of times before, she actually spotted him this time. Relief, elation, concern and anger all welled up instantaneously inside of her as she headed for the landing, first walking quickly and then breaking into an all-out run at him.
She knew he spotted her because he stopped momentarily before resuming his slow, ambling walk towards the house. She caught up with him in no time at all, and once she had reached him, wordlessly launched herself into his arms. The force of her body literally flying into him made take a few stabilizing steps, but once he had found his footing again, his arms came around her waist, holding her against him as she embraced him tightly.
She savored the moment. Feeling him in her arms again. She let her hands tangle into his thick hair as she pressed her cheek against his, feeling the scratchiness of his stubble. She inhaled the scent of him, familiar and enticing all at once. She simply reveled in the feel of him there. . .in that moment. . .with her.
“Oh, thank God,” she whispered. “I was so worried.” There had been moments when she had really thought that she would never get a chance to hold him again. Or even see him again. Lack of sleep combined with worry had allowed her overactive imagination to craft some truly terrible scenarios.
As those horrible scenarios once again raced through her head, she felt her anger rise. She pulled away from him and reached out and half-hit, half-shoved him in the arm. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again!” Nathan’s eyes widen in surprise and his hand went up to touch his arm, where she had struck him. Just then, the hand that she had hit him with began to sting. “Oww.”
“’Oww’?” he repeated in disbelief.
“That hurt,” she retorted.
“Yes, it did,” he said, without irony, as he rubbed his arm.
“Sorry,” she conceded, although grudgingly. Then just as quickly as it had bubbled up, her anger was gone, once again replaced by complete relief that he was there. . .in front of her. He looked tired but at least by outward appearances, he was fine. And that was all that mattered. She embraced him again, and she felt him stiffen in surprise before he relaxed and slowly wrapped his arms around her.
This really was all that mattered. Being here with him, right then and there. Again, words failed her, but unlike last night, she wasn’t frustrated by it. Words only went so far sometimes. Besides, what could she say that was better than to just simply show him how she felt?
She pulled back slightly and reached up and touched his cheek, letting the short hair there tickle her palm. His eyes locked onto hers and for long moments, they just stared at each other, letting that moment wrap itself around them until she became completely unaware of anything but him.
Slowly, she leaned up and kissed him. He kissed her back, almost instinctively but then tensed and pulled back. She smiled and pressed her lips against his again, this time more forcefully. She tightened her arms around his neck, holding him in place as she kissed him soundly. He didn’t return her kisses, but he didn’t try and pull away either. Sensing a small opening, she angled her head, rubbing her lips sensually against his before she slowly licked his bottom lip. When he still didn’t respond, she darted her tongue into the small opening between his lips quickly, making the slightest contact with his tongue before pulling out and taking his lower lip into her mouth, sucking it.
He groaned softly before he finally gave in, returning her kisses eagerly. His tongue pressed against her lips, demanding entrance which she willingly granted. His tongue probed her mouth. . .seeking and urgent. . .inviting her tongue to engage in that erotic dance.
She could feel that delicious, hot liquid heat begin to spread through her body as every nerve seemed to burst to life. She pressed closer to him, letting her curves mold to the planes of his muscular body, but feeling like they could be closer. That the distance between their bodies was still too great. She wanted him closer. . .needed him closer.
Abruptly, he pulled away, breathing heavily. “Um. . .” He sucked in several quick breaths in an effort to stabilize his breathing but it didn’t seem to have much effect.
“Nathan,” she admonished him lightly, wondering why he had broken the contact between them. Things were just starting to get good! She pulled his head down to her and kissed him and again, he responded instinctively, kissing her back. But once again, he pulled away, this time putting even more distance between them.
“Haley. . .” he gasped. “We. . .can’t.”
“Why not?”
He choked. “W-why not?”
She smiled, liking the fact that she was throwing him completely off-kilter. She felt like she was usually the one who was unbalanced. . .like she was standing on constantly shifting grounds. So the thought that she could have the same effect on him excited her and boosted her confidence, which she would need, because Nathan needed a bit of a. . .push here. “Mmm-hmm.” She relaxed her hold on him, and she saw confusion flash across his face. That was until she began to trail her hand slowly down his chest, until she found the waistband of his jeans. Then the expression on his face was of something else entirely.
He grabbed her hand, immobilizing it. “Haley.”
She remained undeterred. “Hmm?” she whispered as she looked at him innocently. She saw the desire in his eyes, even as he struggled against it and grinned. She looked at him challengingly before she pulled her hand free from his. He made no move to resist her action. Curling both arms around his neck, she lifted herself up on her tip toes so that she was almost at eye level with him. He looked down at her lips expectantly and she smiled. Slowly. . .seductively.
She did kiss him, but not on the lips, where he was probably expecting it. Instead she pressed a soft kiss, just behind his ear. Then she moved over to his earlobe and playfully tugged at it with her teeth. She felt him tense up at her actions and smiled before she pressed her lips close to his ear and whispered,
“We both want this so let’s just leave it at that, huh?”
“H-Hales. . .you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Oh really?” she challenged. She moved her lips to the side of his neck and nipped at the skin there. Then she licked the spot her teeth had just marked. He shuddered against her. “Does that feel like I know what I’m doing?” For emphasis, she gradually came back down onto her feet, letting her entire body slide down against his as she did so.
He groaned in desperation. “Haley. . .i-if you don’t. . .stop. . .I won’t be responsible for what happens next.”
“Promise?” she dared him, staring up into his blue eyes which had darkened. She could see him fighting for control, but he was losing.
A growling sound came from deep within his throat as he bent down and captured her lips in a hot, searing kiss. She felt the last vestiges of his control slip from him as they melded their mouths together, their tongues intertwined as their hands groped for a hold on each other’s body.
How long they stayed like that, hungrily kissing and clinging to each other as their passion built to a crescendo, she didn’t know. Honestly she had forgotten exactly where they were until she heard voices in the near distance. She reluctantly pulled away from him. She could spot a group of people coming out of one of the beach houses near Nathan’s. “Uhh. . .” Nathan blinked and turned to look at the people in surprise. She couldn’t help smiling slightly. It was good to know that she wasn’t the only one who had lost track of things. “We’re-“
“In public,” he finished for her. “We can’t. I mean not here. We can’t.”
She nodded, glad that he hadn’t changed his mind. She looked at his beach house. “The house’s not that far.”
He glanced at the house briefly before he turned back to her. “We’ll never make it.”
They did make it.
To the couch in the family room.
Barely.
The collapsed upon it and fused their mouths together once again. Kissing. Tasting. Impatiently. Desperately. Hungrily.
She tugged at his shirt fervently just as he was trying to ease the light sweater she wore off of her. Their frantic movements, however, seemed to be countering the other and neither really got anywhere.
“N-Nathan,” she breathed. She shuddered as his stubble grazed against the skin of her neck. “God. We. . . .ohhhhh. . .Nathan. . . .we need t-to. . . .Nathan!”
He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. His breathing was ragged and his eyes heavy with desire. “What?”
She reached out and caressed his face. “We need to slow down a little. We’re not getting anywhere like this.” She smiled as she pulled the sweater that he had been grappling with off.
His eyes flashed as they took in the sight of her sprawled across the couch, now clad in just a pair of khakis and a tank top. He smiled sexily at her, causing her already racing heart to beat even faster. “Slow, hmmm? I can do slow.”
Before she could say anything, he lowered his head again and kissed her throat, just below her chin and then he licked her, letting his tongue languidly caress her bare skin. He moved down her neck and repeated the process. . .slowly. She groaned and gripped his shoulders, trying to pull him closer against her but he resisted. She uttered a soft cry in protest and felt him smile against her.
“Slow, remember?” he teased, as he pressed a kiss in the space between her collarbones.
“Nathan. . .”
“Shhhh,” he whispered, continuing to kiss and lick her slowly. . . .deliberately. “Patience.”
He ran his hands down the side of her body until they reached her waist. He slipped his fingers under the tank, while his thumb remained on top and began to pull the cotton tank up her stomach. She felt her nerve endings burst into fire as his palms slowly slid against her bare skin. She arched her back, urging him to go faster, but he took his slow, agonizingly sweet time. When her shirt reached the peaks of her breast, he paused slightly before he shifted his hands to the side, letting the lengths of his thumb come to rest just under her breasts, before he pulled her shirt again. Up and over her breasts, his thumbs barely grazing her breasts as he did so. It wasn’t nearly enough and she uttered a cry of protest as she reached down and impatiently grabbed her shirt and pulled it off completely.
He grinned at her action, which only fueled her desire more. She pulled his head towards her and kissed him deeply, thrusting her tongue into his mouth. She explored his mouth fervently, seeking to engage his tongue in that slick, hot duel. But again, he resisted. He let her kiss him for a while. . .teasingly caressing her tongue just enough to give her the barest taste of what was to come. . .but then he pulled away.
“No. . .” she whined, fighting to hold him there.
But Nathan had ideas of his own as he slid down against her, and dropped a wet, hot kiss on her stomach.. His hands moved up until they were resting just below her breasts but he made no move to do anything further, seemingly content to just slowly kiss his way up her stomach.
Hot, liquid desire began to pool between her thighs and she wrapped one leg around him as her hands tangled into his hair. He seemed unaware of her actions, continuing his sweet assault on her body until he reached her bra. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes and she thought at last she would have some kind of release. Already her nipples had hardened and were straining, almost painfully, against the lacy fabric of her bra. She lifted a shoulder off the couch, silently granting him access to her back so that he could unclasp her bra.
But he only smiled before he bent and kissed the valley between her breasts. Damn tease! She uttered a cry of protest before she began scrambling for her bra strap to undo it herself. But Nathan quickly put a stop to that. Grabbing her arms and pinning them to the side.
“Uh-uh,” he chided her softly. He kissed the valley between her breasts again which had the affect of making her even hotter. She could very vividly recall what it was like to have his mouth on her bare flesh and to be so close, and yet denied that. . .it was slowly driving her mad.
“Nathan. . .” she whined. “I. . .can’t. . .take this!”
He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. “I thought you wanted to slow down.”
“Not that slow!”
He chuckled before he reached behind her and mercifully unsnapped her bra, finally releasing her from the constraining fabric. In the next instant, he was cupping her, his thumb flicking over the swollen nipple erotically. “Better?”
“Mmmmm. . .” she moaned, closing her eyes as waves of pure desire washed over her. She felt Nathan pull her bra free from her arms and then he was licking her. Rolling his tongue around the outer edges of her nipples. She arched against him, forcing more of herself inside his mouth and he complied, sucking lightly. She writhed against all the sensations racing through her body, and uttered a deep moan of pleasure.
Her hands blindly reached for him and felt his shirt, which she began to pull at impatiently. Nathan gave her breast a momentary break as he pulled away. He partially sat up and tugged his shirt off his head, flinging carelessly across the room. She opened her eyes and drank in the sight of his tan, muscular chest. She sat up and pressed a soft kiss on his navel, as her hands grabbed the waistband of his jeans.
She could feel the prominent bulge at his crotch and tentatively ran her hand against it, causing him to expel a loud breath before he stilled her hand with his shaky one. “God. . .Hales. . . .”
“I want to see you,” she whispered and pulled her hand from his to move to the button of his jeans. Again, he stopped her.
“D-do you. . . .” She looked up at him and could see him struggle to get the words out. “Protection?”
She froze. “Uh. . .I. . . .do you?” She could see him hesitate. She pressed another kiss on his torso. “I want this.” He looked at her, and she met his eyes unwaveringly. “Do you?” she repeated.
He slowly nodded as he reached out and caressed her cheek tenderly. Then he bent and kissed her. Gently, but there was no denying the passion just barely held in check. “Wait here.”
He jumped up and headed in the direction of his bedroom. A few minutes later and she heard his rapid footfalls coming back into the room. As he walked back over to the couch, she noticed the small foil package in his hand. She smiled and pulled him down against her, kissing him soundly.
And then, it seemed like they were both done with all the teasing and foreplay. Fiery, undeniable passion erupted between them as their bodies intertwined. The feel of his bare chest rubbing against her exposed breasts made her inner thigh muscles contract with suppressed need. She tugged at the waist of his jeans, even as she was trying to wiggle out of her own. He seemed to sense it and unbutton her pants, sliding them off of her. He lifted his head and looked at her. . .awe and desire playing across his handsome features.
“You’re. . .breathtaking.”
She felt her breath catch at the emotion behind his words. She smiled and pulled him back down on her, reveling in the feel of his weight pressing upon her. She slipped a hand into the waistband of his jeans, feeling the curve of his buttocks, which had the effect of making him tense briefly against her. And then he let his hand slowly trail down her stomach to her hips, until he reached the thin band of her panties. He looped a finger around it and then pulled it down. She sucked in some air, hoping it would somehow help her to cool off because she felt as if that liquid heat radiating out from her thighs was slowly, but surely, melting her from inside out.
Once he had freed her of her panties, he slid his hand back up her leg. . .languidly. . . .enticingly. A moan, coming from deep within her, rumbled from her mouth when he slipped his hand between her thighs and cupped her there, letting his fingers stroke her slowly. She could feel herself grow even hotter. . .and wetter. She squeezed his buttock involuntarily. . .needing to grab ahold of something because she was literally teetering on the edge.
Nathan made a grunting noise before he lifted himself off of her. She opened her eyes and watched as he quickly got rid of his jeans and then his cotton boxers. She couldn’t help staring at him, taking in the beautiful sight of his completely nude body. Her eyes slowly traveled down the length of him until they rested on the very clear indication of his desire. The sight of him jacked up her excitement even more and she pulled him back on top of her.
Their lips met in a wet, scorching kiss. She reached between him and touched him. . .there. He groaned with pleasure at her action. She suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. Need. . .raw, stark, and pulsating. . . .ran through her. She lifted one leg, opening herself up to him. “Nathan, I. . . ohhhh. . .” She moaned as he took a breast into his mouth again, sucking hard this time. “Please. . .I need you. . . .inside me.”
He lifted himself on a braced elbow and looked at her before he shifted his lower body. She watched as he reached for the foil package and tear it open, before he slid the protective latex down his length. He pulled her into a deep kiss as he shifted once more. . .until he was right at her opening. He broke the kiss and held her gaze as he slid inside her in one fluid, powerful motion.
She inhaled sharply as he filled her and then. . . .it was like the world stopped in that moment. They stared into each other’s eyes. . . .their breathing fast but soft. She was aware of everything just then, as if all her senses had been heightened. She reveled in the feel of him inside her. How. . .complete. . .it felt. How complete she felt. Nathan’s eyes had darkened to a midnight blue color as he gazed down at her. His passion was unmistakable, but she also saw a tenderness in their dark, blue depths that touched her deep within her soul. They were joined in that moment. . .in every way. . .and she could see that he knew that.
And then he began to move, and all conscious thought fled from her mind as heady, agonizingly sweet sensations racked her body. Soon, she could feel herself falling off that edge. . .into an abyss filled with mind-shattering pleasures.
~*~
Haley stretched slowly as consciousness began to overtake her. She let out a soft groan as her muscles contracted in protest at her movement. A slow smile began to spread across her face.
Wow, she thought. Do I feel great!
She delighted in the feel of the cool sheets against her naked body. . .in his scent. . .which was all around her. Images of their lovemaking flooded her mind, making her smile even wider. After they had both been spent, they had laid on the couch, bodies completely intertwined so that it was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. Only when she had begun to shiver from the cold of the A/C had Nathan moved. He had effortlessly scooped her into his arms and had carried her into his bedroom, where they had made love for a second, equally mind-blowing time. It was only then, after they had completely exhausted themselves, had they fallen asleep in each other’s arms.
She blushed slightly, recalling how. . .aggressive. . .she had been when they had made love for the second time. She chuckled softly then. She had been pretty aggressive the first time too. After all, she had seduced him on the beach. . .a public beach no less. She had never thought that she would be capable of something like that but being with Nathan made her do and feel things she’s never thought of before.
She finally opened her eyes and instinctively looked over to Nathan’s side of the bed. . .only to find it empty. She frowned slightly and sat up, glancing around the room. She was about to call out to him when she spotted him on the balcony that extended out from his bedroom.
Getting up, she grabbed the sheet and tied it around her, sarong-style before she padded out to the balcony. He was standing near the edge, arms braced against the railing. She could tell that he had showered. A blue towel was tied low around his hips and droplets of water still clung to his magnificently sculpted back. She took her time in reaching him, allowing herself to enjoy the view.
He heard her before she reached him and turned slightly. “Hey,” he greeted. Once she reached him, he pulled her into his arms, kissing her softly. “Have a nice nap?”
“Mmmm,” she murmured, leaning her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around his bare midsection. She inhaled deeply, letting the scent of him envelope her. He smelled of soap and spicy aftershave. “How long have you been up?”
“Not long,” he answered as he stroked her hair absently. His action was having an entirely relaxing effect on her. “I didn’t want to wake you. You looked really tired.”
“Yeah, I was,” she agreed. “I’m sure you know why though.”
He chuckled. “I have a pretty good idea.”
They lapsed into silence, and just held each other. Nathan continued to stroke her hair soothingly, while she ran her hands slowly up and down his back, reveling in the newfound closeness between them.
“We’re going to have to head back soon,” he said, breaking their silence after long minutes had passed.
She felt a momentary pang of sadness. This house might hold bad memories for Nathan, but for her, it was. . .special. Their time here together was special, and while she looked forward to heading back to Charlotte. . .a part of her didn’t want to leave the world they had created just for themselves here. “I know.”
Her voice inadvertently revealed her feelings because Nathan tensed and pulled away slightly, so that he could look into her face. “What?”
“Nothing,” she denied quickly. “I just. . .I was thinking about how special it was here and you know. . .I guess I just got sentimental about leaving and heading back to Charlotte and. . .real life.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “But that. . . .things aren’t going to change in Charlotte right?”
“No,” she answered. The expression on his face, however, gave her pause. “Are they?”
“You tell me.”
She pulled further away from him. “What?”
He seemed to be considering something. . .as if debating with himself. Finally, he sighed and took a slight step away from her, running his hand through his still-damp hair. “That’s. . .not really true though.”
“What’s not?”
“Things have changed between us, Hales. Everything’s changed between us.”
“I know that.”
“So, whether it’s here or in Charlotte, we need to deal with that.”
“Deal with what?” she asked, confused.
“Things,” he blew out, sounding frustrated. She could sympathize because she was starting to feel the same. How did their conversation take this turn so quickly? “Things between us. I mean. .. what happens to us?”
“What do you mean ‘what happens to us’?”
“I just mean. . .what now? What are we doing?”
Confusion was quickly losing ground to frustration inside of her. And she could also feel anger begin to simmer. “What are you talking about Nathan?”
He paused at the sharpness in her voice and she could see him struggling for control. “I just. . .we just. . . .we didn’t talk about this. About what happens next. Or why it happened.”
“What?”
He sighed. “It’d just make things. . .easier.”
And once again, confusion took predominance. “What things?”
“Last night,” he threw out. “We never even talked about that. I mean what. . .” He stopped abruptly and looked at her.
“You mean what?”
“We never talked about last night,” he said slowly.
“You didn’t want to then,” she pointed out.
He sighed. “I know, but then, this morning when I. . . .” Again, he stopped and she could see that he was thinking about something. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good, because his expression seemed to darken. “We didn’t talk this morning either because you. . .”
“I. . .what?”
“We, “ he corrected. “We never talked because we ended up. . .mak-, having sex.”
Anger flared within her. She knew where he was headed with this and yet, some part of her didn’t want to believe it until he actually. . .went there. “What?”
She knew her anger was readily apparent as she looked up at him challengingly. He seemed to consider whether to pursue this for a beat but then pushed forward. “Is that why you. . .on the beach. . .because. . .” She stayed quiet, feeling her anger build as he stumbled towards the destination she knew he was headed for. She still couldn’t quite believe it though. “Did we. . . .make. . .have sex. . .because you. . .felt sorry for me about my past?”
Oh yeah, he went there. She knew he was going to be still. . .a part of her couldn’t quite believe that he actually done so. “What?!”
“Haley-“
“Feel sorry for you?!” she cried. Loudly. “Is that what you think?!”
“I-“
“You actually think I would-“ she stopped. Her anger had boiled over and it was rendering her momentarily speechless. But only for a moment. “You ass! How dare you! What the hell do you take me for? Do you think I would just make love to someone because I. . .pitied them?! Here’s a news flash for you! I didn’t and you should know that! If you don’t that not only makes you an ass, but a stupid one! And for that, I will pity you!”
“Haley-“
“I get that what happened with Tim and the accident was hard for you and you know what? I empathize with that but how dare you. . .screw with what was a beautiful experience by even thinking something like this! What the hell is your problem?! I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, but I know what’s going to happen to you if you say something as asinine as that to me again! And why the hell should I feel sorry for you? I mean the obvious, glaring stupidity aside, there’s nothing that I-“
“I shouldn’t have-“
“No you shouldn’t have!” Her voice had escalated to the point where she was now flat-out screaming. But she didn’t care. “It never occurred to you either did it? The most obvious, simple reason? Of course not! It never occurred to you that I made love to you because I love you did it?”
His eyes widened with shock. “W-what?”
Her anger was so overwhelming at that point that she didn’t even care about what she had just blurted out. “You heard me! I made love to you for that simple reason! I love you, you idiot!”
Before he could respond, she angrily pushed him aside and stomped out of his bedroom, slamming the door loudly behind her.
CHAPTER ELEVEN – What’s Unspoken
The sound of the door slamming shut was still reverberating in his head an hour later. That and Haley’s. . .confession. Her very angry confession.
I love you, you idiot!
Over and over her words played inside his head. An hour later and he still hadn’t gotten over the shock of it. Nor had he figured out what to do about it. Namely, how he could make things right with Haley. ‘Cause he had screwed up. Really screwed up. Again.
Shit! What the hell had possessed him to say something so stupid to her?
This whole thing with Haley it was. . . .it was scaring the hell out of him. He had no idea what he was doing which was the first time he had ever felt that way.. .with anyone. That was one of the first things he had picked up from his father. . .to be the one in control of things. To always know what you were doing. Where you stood. And whenever he was around Haley, all of that just. . .disappeared. He had no control around her and he sure as hell had no idea what he was doing. That much was obvious.
So much had happened so quickly between them. He had never thought that he would tell her about his past life. . .the accident. . .Tim. But he had. Her silence last night had been one of the most painful things he had ever experienced. When he had mistaken that for silent condemnation on her part, this searing pain had settled inside of him, making him want to do only one thing.
Get away.
So he had gone on the longest walk in history. He wanted distance. . . .from Haley, but mostly from himself. From that night and the memories that still plagued him. But he couldn’t walk away from Haley that easily. The more distance he had put between himself and the beach house, the more his conscience had nagged at him. She would worry, it told him. He wasn’t being fair to her. He needed to face her. . .and if she condemned him, then he couldn’t exactly blame her.
Facing her would hurt, but upsetting her troubled him more. So he had turned around and made his way back. He had been stunned by her reaction on the beach. The way she had veered from one emotion to another. Worry mixed with relief turning to anger and then back to relief again. But if that had surprised him, her ‘seduction’ had shocked him completely.
It was so unlike her. She still blushed when he made a sexually-charged comment so her blatant and determined seduction had thrown him off-guard. He had suspected that there was something more than just the strong physical attraction between them that was fueling her actions and he had been right. And yet he had been so completely wrong too. Deep down, he knew Haley made love to him because she cared about him. He had just misjudged the depth of her feelings.
His mind went back to their lovemaking. It had been. . . .extraordinary. He wasn’t exactly some novice in the sex department, but he could honestly say that he had never experienced anything like that before. It had been hotly passionate and achingly sweet at the same time. He had been wavering on the edge the entire time. He didn’t know how he had managed to slow down to tease her like he had. . . .although that had brought its own pleasures. If she had kissed him for a bit longer. . .or let her hand linger on a particular spot for a second more. . . .he would have literally ripped off both of their clothes and consummated things like an impatient teenager during his first time.
But the wait and his Herculean effort at controlling himself had been worth it because the moment their bodies had joined together. . . . He sighed softly as the memory came back to him. It had been something else. It was as if something more than their bodies had joined in that moment. It had been more. . .much more. . . .than just physical fulfillment.
And that was what scared him more than anything else.
He was falling for her. Hard. And he didn’t know what the hell to do about it. It was uncontrollable and he wanted some measure of control. With Haley, there was none. Not in how he dealt with things. . .not in how she reacted. . .not in how he felt. . .or how she felt. Nothing. There was no control. It was a blind, dizzying, yet all-too-thrilling free fall.
He liked it. He wanted it. But it scared the hell out of him.
So he had regressed. Allowed himself to question her and her motives. The way he had seen his father do with his mother. Or like most everyone else around him countless of times before. Turn the tables on someone to get the upper hand again. He sighed as he slipped his shirt on and moved back out to his balcony. The sun was setting and they really would have to head back to Charlotte soon. Which meant that he needed to go find Haley.
He just wasn’t looking forward to it. He really had been an ass. A really, really stupid ass. He was surprised she hadn’t hit him. He certainly deserved it. And she could pack quite a punch if that shove of hers on the beach was any indication. She might be small but she was strong. In every sense of the word.
And smart. . . .beautiful. . . .kind. . .funny. . .understanding What’s more, this strong, smart, beautiful, kind, understanding and funny woman was in love with him. Of course, that was assuming his behavior hadn’t made her fall right out of love with him.
He sighed again as he leaned against the railing of his balcony. He really hoped that he hadn’t messed things up with Haley. He didn’t understand his feelings for her. . .didn’t understand how something that scared the hell out of him could also make him feel such incredible things. But he did know he wanted her in his life.
Just then, a figure down by the water’s edge caught his attention. He recognized her right away. She had changed into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. A sweater was tied around her waist. She was throwing stones into the ocean. Forcefully. Even from this distance, he could see that she was still angry. Not that he could blame her. Realizing that he couldn’t delay it any longer, he drew in a deep breath before he headed for the beach.
~*~
Plop!
He could hear the pebbles hitting the water with increasing clarity as he approached Haley. She seemed to be entirely wrapped up in what she was doing because he wasn’t trying to be quiet and she didn’t seem to notice his approach at all. He couldn’t help grimacing as he did so. She was really hurling those stones into the water.
Plop!
Like she was aiming at some imaginary object.
Plop!
Probably my head, he thought wryly. Not that he could blame her.
Plop!
“Haley?”
She gasped and literally jumped at the sound of his voice behind her. “God!”
“Sorry,” he mumbled. She didn’t respond. In fact, it was like she had completely frozen. Her body was rigid and she kept her back turned towards him. He sighed softly. “Um. . .I, uh, was hoping we could talk.” Still no response from her at all. “But before we do, you think you can put those stones you’re holding down?” he asked lightly, hoping to lighten the mood somehow.
Long moments passed and he was just about to say something when she lifted her hand and opened it. He could see a few pebbles lying in the palm of her hand. Then, slowly, she turned her hand sideways, letting the pebbles slip off her palm and fall silently into the sand.
He watched the pebbles drop onto the sand and felt even worse. You are the world’s biggest jackass, he told himself harshly. She didn’t seem angry anymore. More than anything, she seemed hurt. . .and sad. And he knew he was the cause of that. He could feel his stomach knotting as he took in the sight of her. It always unnerved him to see Haley upset. He hated it. It always made him want to not only comfort her, but to eliminate whatever it was that was upsetting her. So to be the cause of it now. . . .it was literally undoing him.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. He wanted to say so many other things, but that seemed the most. . .appropriate. . .thing to say just then. She didn’t respond, and continued to face out towards the ocean. “I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I never did.”
Silence. She didn’t move and he didn’t know if he should say anything else. The way he was handling things of late, he should probably just shut up before he messed things up even more. So he stared at her back for long minutes. Finally, she said softly, so softly that he had to strain to hear her above the lapping waves. “Why did you say it then?”
He sighed. Of course she had to ask the one question he didn’t know how to answer. “I. . .I don’t know. I don’t know why I do a lot of things.” He wanted so much to just reach out and touch her. Or to have her touch him. . . .even if it was to strike him. This distance, both physical and emotional, between them just then was harder to deal with than he had thought. “I just know I’m. . . .I’m really sorry, Hales.”
She finally turned to face him, and he forced himself to meet her gaze. She looked at him for several long, unnerving moments, and he let her. Let her in this time. He could feel that fear simmering inside him but he held fast against it. Fought to not regress yet again. Her eyes flashed with what seemed to be understanding before she said softly,
“I know why.”
“You do?”
“I already told you.” Her expression was serious but her eyes were twinkling with suppressed amusement.
“You did?”
She nodded. “You’re an idiot.”
She smiled then and he could literally feel his spirits lift at the sight. He slowly returned her smile. “You did, but I guess I was too stupid to even understand that.”
“At least you’re realizing it. That means there’s room for improvement.” Their eyes locked as a silent communication passed between them. One forgiving, while the other expressing gratitude for it.
He silently opened his arms and without hesitation, she stepped into his embrace, wrapping her arms around his midsection and leaning her head against his chest. It felt so right to have her in his arms. As if this was how it was supposed to be. As his arms came around her, holding her against him tightly, he felt that strange combination of fear and joy settle inside him again. He couldn’t help wondering if he’d ever stop feeling this way around her.
~*~
“No way!”
She gave Peyton a wry look of acknowledgment. “Yeah, I did.”
“Oh my God! I can’t believe this!” Peyton’s mouth was actually agape. The sight was pretty comical. “You actually said that to him?”
“Screamed at him.” She sighed. “And don’t forget the nice ‘you idiot!’ part I added on to it.”
Peyton chuckled. “Which he totally deserved.”
“Hmmm.”
Peyton studied her a beat. “What? Is there something else? I mean you guys. . .worked things out before you came back here right? Or did I misunderstand that?”
She shook her head. “No, we did. It’s. . .”
“What?”
She sank down onto her bed. “I don’t know. I just. . .it’s just. . . .he never said that he loved me. He didn’t really say anything about how he felt at all.” She sighed. “And then there’s all this stuff with his past that he still needs to deal with. It’s just. . .complicated.”
“Well, how’d you leave things?”
She thought about Peyton’s question and couldn’t help smiling wryly. They had left things just as it was now. Complicated. The drive back to Charlotte had been relaxed and comfortable but mostly quiet. When they had talked, it was about things like the latest movies or news stories. Small talk. Nice, safe, small talk. When they had reached her apartment, he had helped her carry her bag up, but told her he couldn’t stay. He had promised to call later, and then had given her a quick kiss goodbye. So nothing had changed since Wilmington, but Wilmington had changed everything. “I don’t know Peyt. I really don’t.”
Peyton was about to respond when the buzzer to their apartment sounded, signaling that someone was downstairs. Peyton looked at her watch confused. “That can’t be Jake. He has rehearsals.” Peyton looked over at her. “Nathan?” She shook her head. It was only a couple of hours ago that Nathan had dropped her off. Besides, she knew that he had things that he needed to catch up on after being away for the past few days.
She and Peyton exchanged a look before they headed for the front door. “Yes?” Peyton asked, pressing the intercom near their front door.
“Delivery for Haley James,” came a man’s voice.
Peyton looked at her curiously but she shook her head. “O.K. Come on up. Do you know which apartment?”
“Yes, ma’am,” came the response as Peyton pushed the button that would unlock the door downstairs.
“I don’t know,” she said before her friend could ask. Peyton chuckled and opened their door, waiting for the delivery guy. Within a few minutes, a man carrying a huge floral bouquet came up to their door.
“Haley James?” he inquired.
“Yes, that’s me,” she answered, taking in the gorgeous display of colorful and fragrant lilies.
The man awkwardly juggled the bouquet as he reached for the clipboard that had been tucked under his arm. “Sign there please.”
“Thank you,” she murmured, taking the bouquet from him and inhaling the sweet aroma of the flowers.
“There’s a few more, ma’am.” Before she could ask what he meant, a second uniformed delivery guy came up, carrying an equally impressive bouquet, although this one contained orchids and baby’s breath. The second delivery guy handed a surprised looking Peyton the bouquet. “It might take a few trips.”
He wasn’t kidding. 3 trips by each of the men later, and their apartment looked like a small floral shop. There were, by her count, six floral arrangements that seemed to contain every flower imaginable now occupying every last free counter or table space around their small apartment. She was still holding a crystal vase containing a dozen red roses, not knowing where to put it.
Peyton was standing in the middle of the apartment, taking in the sight, her expression both amused and surprised. “I’m gonna take a wild guess here and say Nathan’s behind this.”
She had already guessed as such, but it was still completely astonishing to her. She had been given flowers before, but not like this. It was like with Nathan, things that she had previously done before were now experienced on a whole new level.
Peyton began rooting through the various floral arrangements. “What are you doing?” she asked her friend.
“Looking for a card.” Peyton glanced over at her. “You don’t think he did all this without a card do you? Maybe a poem too.” Peyton stopped at the bouquet that contained the lilies. “A-ha!” She pulled out a small envelope triumphantly.
She handed Peyton the vase. “Thanks.” She pulled the card from the envelope and recognized Nathan’s handwriting on it. She read the short note inside and could feel her smile widening as she did so.
“Nathan, right?” Peyton asked with a smile when she looked up from the card.
She nodded. “He, uh, just wanted to let me know that Wilmington was great. And that he’s sorry he couldn’t see me tonight but by the time he got done with things it’d be too late.”
Peyton looked around and finally took the vase into the kitchen. When she emerged a few seconds later, she was empty-handed. “Can I just say that while I am totally loving this for you, I am also insanely jealous?”
She chuckled. “What?”
“Haley! Would you take a look at this place? It’s like he bought out the entire flower shop! And considering it’s only been a few hours since he dropped you off, you just know he headed straight for one to arrange all this.” Peyton sighed and looked around their small living room again. “You know most girls would be lucky to get a single flower for a broken date. You get a flower shop because he wants to see you and can’t.” Peyton smiled at her teasingly. “If he ever has to break an actual date with you, I’m thinking we might need a bigger place.”
She laughed. “Nathan just likes-“
“You,” Peyton finished for her with a knowing look. “Actually,” she corrected, looking around their apartment once more. “This looks more like love to me.”
~*~
“You don’t give a damn about any of this do you?”
He looked up at his brother, startled. They were sitting in his living room and he was aware that Lucas had just said something to him, but he didn’t quite catch all of it. Any of it really. “What?”
“What I’m talking about. You don’t give a damn do you?” Lucas looked both amused and resigned.
He chuckled softly. “Sorry, man. My mind’s elsewhere.” He closed his eyes briefly as he leaned his head back against the sofa. Lucas was going over the things he had to do in the next few weeks as he kicked his ‘comeback’ effort into high gear. He would be attending a special training camp, usually reserved for rookies, next month and needed to be in top shape by then since that was when the Bobcats coaches and management would decide whether he’d have a place in their starting line-up come October. And he did care about that. It was just. . .he found it a little hard to concentrate because his mind kept drifting to thoughts of a beautiful, brown-eyed grad student that he was missing like crazy even though it had been less than 24 hours since they had seen each other.
“You mean your mind’s on Haley,” Lucas quipped.
“How’d you-“
“Besides the goofy smile you’ve been wearing all day?”
“Goofy smile?” He shot his brother an indignant look. “I do not have a goofy smile.”
“That’s what you think.” Lucas laughed before looking at him curiously. “So. . .you gonna tell me about Wilmington or what?”
“What,” he shot back. “You know I don’t kiss and tell.”
“I don’t want those kind of details! Haley’s like a sister and you’re my brother and the two of you together is. . .ugh!” Lucas made a face. “I just meant. . .what’s going on with you guys now?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly.
“What does that mean? You spent some time away together and you guys didn’t figure anything out?”
“No. It’s just. . .”
“Just what?” Lucas prompted.
He sighed. “I told her about Tim.”
Lucas looked at him in surprise. “You told her?” He nodded. “Everything?”
“Mostly everything.”
Lucas studied him a beat. “And what did she say?”
He shrugged. “You know Haley. She tried to understand but she didn’t really say anything. Actually, I didn’t give her a chance. I didn’t want to talk about it really.”
“So what does that have to do with you and Haley?”
“Nothing, I guess. I just. . .things are. . .new for us you know? I guess we just need to figure things out. Or maybe I do.”
Lucas stared at him thoughtfully for several seconds. “I know you didn’t ask for it but I’m gonna give you some advice anyway. Haley is that ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ type of thing, Nate. Trust me when I say that you aren’t ever gonna find anyone like her again. Ever.” Lucas looked at him intently. “Don’t let what happened before you met her screw things up. Let the past go, man. Let it go.”
~*~
“Hey.”
How she managed to not shriek out loud she didn’t know. Probably because she was too busy juggling the grocery bags in her hand. She whirled around to find him coming up to her, an apologetic smile playing across his lips. “Nathan! Do you have to sneak up on me all the time?”
“Sorry.” He reached out and took the bags from her.
She couldn’t help smiling at the sight of him. It had been a pretty long and tiring day, but having him there in front of her seemed to give her a jolt of energy. “Were you waiting for me?” He nodded as he fell in step with her. They both headed for the front entrance of her apartment. “Any particular reason why?”
“Just wanted to see you,” he said nonchalantly as he flashed her a cute smile that made her heart skip a beat. . .or two.
She smiled. Or maybe she was beaming because the happiness that she had felt at seeing him just now seemed to be multiplying exponentially the longer she was in his presence. “Oh! Thanks for the flowers. I tried to call but you didn’t pick up.”
“Luke was talking my head off,” he replied. They reached her apartment and he waited patiently as she opened the door. “I’m sorry I missed your call. I would much rather have talked to you than listen to Luke.” He smiled as he took in the sight of the flowers all over her apartment. “And you’re very welcome for the flowers.”
She chuckled. “It’s a wonder you and Luke haven’t killed each other off by now.”
He grinned as he went into the kitchen to deposit her grocery bags. She tossed her bag onto the couch and was just about to head into the kitchen when she felt his strong hands pulling her against him. Next thing she knew, his lips were pressed against her as he gave her a long, slow, sweet kiss.
“I wanted to do that outside,” he murmured when their lips finally parted. His head was leaning against hers and one of his hand rested against her jaw as his thumb caressed her cheek gently.
“I wouldn’t have stopped you,” she whispered breathlessly.
He smiled against her lips. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
She sighed happily, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling him closer against her. It hadn’t been that long but she missed this. Missed being close to him. . .missed kissing him. . . .missed how incredible it felt when their bodies were pressed close together. He was planting light kisses along her jawline, which was sending delicious tingles down her spine.
What she had told Peyton was true. Things were complicated between them. And yet. . .when she was in his arms like this. . .when they were just together. . . lost in the moment. . . .it didn’t seem complicated at all.
“Are you free for dinner?” he asked softly.
“Hmmm?” she murmured, completely mesmerized by lips hovering over her own. She leaned up and kissed him.
They got lost in that kiss for several, long, wonderful minutes before Nathan finally pulled away. “You. . .are very distracting.”
“Are you complaining?” she teased, pretending to pull away. “Maybe I should-“
His hold on her tightened and she laughed softly. “No complaints. But you never answered me about dinner. Are you free? I have a surprise for you.”
~*~
Haley didn’t normally like surprises. But she definitely liked the one Nathan had set up for her.
He had arranged for a romantic picnic to be set up in his beautifully landscaped backyard. When he had led her out to the area near his pool, she had literally gasped at the sight. The lights around the pool had been turned on, and there were several incandescent torches stuck into the ground around the picnic area, illuminating it, but also creating a perfectly romantic setting. The food was laid out on beautiful china, atop a checkered blanket, and she spied a wicker basket sitting off to the side. Next to it was a small cooler containing bottles of mineral water and juices.
It was beautiful and perfect.
And the food had been incredible. Pasta salad with sun dried tomatoes, carved turkey breast, crusty French bread that was still warm, some gourmet cheeses and the piece de resistance, miniature chocolate cakes. Once they had eaten their fill and had returned the leftovers to the picnic basket, they had decided to relax on the lounge chairs by his pool. Or lounge chair, because Nathan pulled her into his chair, settling her half on top and half besides him.
“That was great,” she said softly, staring at the lights from the torches as they danced across the surface of the pool. Her legs were between his long, muscular ones, as she laid across the expanse of his body, her head resting comfortably in that space between his head and shoulder. His arms encircled her body, with one hand laced with hers while his other hand traced random patterns on her stomach. It was incredibly relaxing, but being this close to him was also highly stimulating.
“Mmm,” he murmured.
“How’d you manage to set all that up?”
She felt him shrug beneath her. “You just gotta know who to call.”
She chuckled softly as she looked up at the night sky. “This place is beautiful.”
“Really?”
She angled her head so that she could look at him, but he was looking at his house with a thoughtful expression. “What? You don’t think so?”
He continued to look at the house for a long moment before he answered. “I guess. It’s just a house right?”
She looked at him and felt that familiar ache of sadness for him. ‘Just a house’? She knew he felt the same way about the beach house in Wilmington. It saddened her that to him, he only had houses. . .or properties. . .and not a home. From what she knew now, it didn’t seem like Nathan had ever had that.
“Can I ask you something Hales?”
There was a marked change in his voice, which made her wary. But she nodded. “Sure.”
“What happened. . .with me and Tim’s accident. . .what I did. . .does it bother you?”
Unlike before, when the shock of hearing all of that had literally rendered her speechless, she could articulate her feelings honestly this time. With no hesitation. “No.” He didn’t say anything and continued to stare off into the distance. “Hey.” Slowly, he turned and looked at her, his eyes finding hers in the darkness. “What happened then was before I met you. And you’re nothing like that now so it doesn’t change anything. I still think you’re one of the best people I know and nothing. . .nothing. . . .you’ve done since I’ve met you has changed that impression.” She reached up and touched his cheek gently. “I’m sorry about what you went through. I’m sorry about Tim. I know it hurts to lose someone you care about.”
His eyes shimmered with some emotion she couldn’t quite place. He looked into her eyes for a long beat before he bent down and kissed her softly. “Can I ask you something else?” She nodded. “Did you mean what you said before? In Wilmington?”
For a fleeting moment, she entertained the thought of denying it. What she had said, she had done in a fit of anger, and before she was ready to admit it. And here was her chance to take it back. Before this moment, she had felt vulnerable and exposed by her admission. Especially when his feelings for her were. . .unclear. But looking into his eyes just then, feeling the warmth of his body beneath her while his arms cradled her so protectively, she didn’t feel at all vulnerable. And his feelings didn’t seem that uncertain anymore.
So she didn’t want to take it back. She couldn’t. What she had said had been the absolute truth.
“Yes,” she answered simply.
He drew in a quick, sharp breath at her answer and stared at her with eyes radiating such emotion that it made her draw in a quick breath of her own. His hand came up to cup her face as he leaned his head against hers. “I. . .” he began softly, but stopped and closed his eyes. He stayed like that for several moments, his head against hers, his eyes closed as his fingers lightly caressed her face. It was as if he were gathering his thoughts. . .or fighting them. “I. . . .I need you, Hales.” His voice was husky with emotion. “I don’t think I could. . .bear to lose you.”
She had to admit that she was expecting him to say something else. But what he had said was better. It was honest. It was real. And it came from that place in him that she knew he only let her see. So it was okay that he couldn’t say those words just yet. Because she could hear what he had left unspoken.
She smiled and kissed him tenderly. “I’m not going anywhere.”
