Living in the Moment
by Kate
CHAPTER FIFTEEN – Letting Go of the Present
Haley glanced at the digital display of the clock sitting on her nightstand before turning back to stare at the bedroom door resolutely. She’d give him another 15 minutes, and then she’d go looking for him. She sighed and glanced over at the clock again. Since her talk with Lucas, her relationship with Nathan had slowly started to deteriorate. At first, it wasn’t that noticeable. . .at least if she pretended, it wasn’t. But she could literally feel him pull away from her. More and more each day. They still talked, at least at first, but like in the beginning, when they both had things they didn’t want to talk about, there were subjects that were simply ‘off-limits.’ But they couldn’t exactly move backwards. . .yet they weren’t moving forwards either. And neither seemed to want to be where they currently were. Over time, somehow, it became easier to just not talk. To leave things unsaid. . .unasked.
Not surprisingly, their physical intimacy had started to suffer as well. They were still physically intimate, at least at first. But she could sense the emotional distance between them even while they were making love, and it just became too difficult. The experience had started to feel schizophrenic in a way. So now, it was like they were both avoiding the other. These days, she awoke early and headed straight for the school’s library, even though she was graduating soon and didn’t really have anything to study. Nathan had also done his share of avoidance. He had been spending an inordinate amount of time in his gym. . .or just brooding outside on the basketball half-court. She had never actually seen him play. . .instead he either relentlessly dribbled the ball around the court, or he simply sat on the bench and stared at the net.
Things had reached. . .that point. . . .for them now. It had reached that point long ao, if she were completely honest. But she hated confrontations, so she had convinced herself that giving Nathan some time to work through things would help. Instead it had only made things worse. They needed to have this confrontation. She just didn’t know if it would help. . .or make things worse at this point. She glanced at the clock yet again. She was surprised to see that only a few minutes had passed. It felt as if she had been waiting forever.
He had to come in sooner or later, she told herself. Even though he. . .they. . .had reached a point where he was coming to bed long after she had fallen asleep, at least he was still coming to bed with her. Even though she didn’t think he was getting much sleep. She closed her eyes as memories of happier times came to her.
It hadn’t been that long ago that she’d lie in bed, waiting for him to awaken. She’d just lie there, snuggled against him, listening to the rhythm of his breathing. Or, if she was feeling mischievous, she’d ‘creatively’ wake him up. She opened her eyes and sighed tiredly. These days, Nathan was awake. . .assuming he had slept at all. . .and gone before she awoke. The last time they had just laid in each other’s arms wasn’t that long ago, but it felt like an eternity to her. A different lifetime almost.
Just as she was about to go back on her pledge to give him at least 15 more minutes, she heard his foot steps outside the door. A second later, the bedroom door opened and Nathan walked in. He looked surprised to find her awake and waiting for him but he recovered quickly, offering her a slight smile before he headed straight for the bathroom. She heard the water run as he got ready for bed. Moments later, he emerged, wearing nothing but his boxers.
“Nathan,” she said firmly when it became obvious that he was going to ignore the situation and simply climb into bed.
“I’m really tired, Haley. Can it wait?”
She hesitated. He really did sound tired, she told herself. But quickly, she checked herself. They needed to do this. She needed to. Things couldn’t go on like this. “No, I. . .it can’t. Because tomorrow morning, you’ll just run off early like you’ve been doing all week.” He said nothing, just standing on his side of the bed, staring at her, his face revealing nothing. She sighed softly. “Nathan. . . .”
“Haley, I. . . .” He stopped and shook his head. “I’m really tired.”
“I am too,” she murmured, although she meant something completely different. “Look, Nathan, obviously there’s. . . something’s. . . .” She stopped. When did talking to him become so hard? “Things haven’t been. . .going well with us. It’s like we’re becoming strangers. Don’t you think we should talk about it?”
He stared at her for a long while. So long that she thought that he wasn’t going to say anything. But just as she was about to speak, he said softly,
“I’m just. . .things are just. . .crazy with. . .everything.”
“That’s it?” she asked doubtfully.
“I don’t want to do this now, Haley.”
“Then when? Just tell me that and I’ll go to bed now and we can do this then.” He wordlessly looked at her, although his answer was loud and clear. She lifted her eyebrows in acknowledgement. “Just. . .just please talk to me Nathan. I know you’re upset about Tim and-”
“What?” he asked sharply. “How do you know this is about Tim?”
Well, if she wanted a reaction from him, she had one now. Gone was the listless expression. . . .the lingering fatigue. Nathan seemed completely alert now. And also completely irritated. Not exactly the reaction she was hoping for. She sighed softly. “Lucas told me.”
“When?”
She grimaced. She hadn’t told him about her little talk with Lucas either. “About a week ago when I went to talk to him.”
"About me?”
“Nathan I was worried-“
“So you’re talking about me behind my back with Lucas?” Nathan demanded.
“It’s not like that! I was worried about you.”
“I see,” he bit out. “And what else did Luke tell you?”
She looked at him, trying to decide how to best answer that. And she saw that there really was no ‘best’ answer in this case. “He. . .told me about the accident and. . . Tim.”
Nathan’s face hardened. “Oh really? I can only imagine what wonderful things Luke had to say about Tim.”
“Nathan-“
“You believe him?” She looked at him helplessly, knowing that any answer she gave him would only make him angrier. “Great! It’s. . .just great that you would believe Luke over me.”
“It’s not like that!” she cried. She felt her frustration well inside of her. This was not how she had wanted this conversation to go. “You’re making it sound like I’m picking sides or something. I’m worried about you. So is Luke. That’s-“
“There’s nothing to worry about!” He looked at her irately. “And I can’t believe you would go behind my back over something that doesn’t concern you!”
She gasped in disbelief. “Doesn’t concern me? How can you say that! It does concern me! Anything that has to do with you concerns me!”
“This doesn’t!” he retorted. “I didn’t ask for your concern! Or Luke’s! Or anyone else! Why can’t you understand that! Why can’t any of you understand that!”
“We care about you!”
“Then respect my feelings on this!” He pressed his fingers against his temple and winced.
“Nathan, are you-“
“This does not concern you Haley. This is about something that happened long before we ever met!”
“That’s-“
“I don’t push you about your past do I?” he challenged her. “I never pushed you about Matthew. . .or your mother.”
She felt her breath catch in her throat. She and Nathan had fought before. With his quick temper and her stubborn streak, disagreements between them were almost inevitable. But their fights had never been like this before. She had never seen him so angry before. Nor had he ever spoken to her like this. He had certainly never brought up things that he knew would hurt her. Neither of them had ever argued with the other with any intent to hurt. . .at least until just then.
“I can’t believe you said that,” she managed to get out.
Remorse flashed across his features. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I. . .I’m sorry. I. . .didn’t mean that.” They stared at each other for long moments. The silence only seemed to magnify the tension in the room. Finally, Nathan held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “Look, Haley, I just. . .I wanted you to try and understand it from my view.”
“I do,” she insisted.
“No, you don't!” He sounded angry again. “Until you talked to Lucas, you didn’t have any problems believing me. So why now?”
“This is not about whether I believe you or Luke!” She got off the bed in agitation. “This is about what’s going on with you! You’ve been. . . .” She stopped and drew in a calming breath. “Look, I know you feel guilty about Tim’s death and-“
“Haley-“
“I know it hurts,” she continued, as carefully as she could. “I know Tim’s death hurts you. That things you did back then-“
“Like kill him,” he threw back at her sarcastically.
“You didn’t.”
“So much for not believing Luke over me.”
She blew out a breath as she felt her control on her frustration, along with a host of other emotions, slip even further. It was like they were running in circles. “Blaming yourself for something you didn’t do isn’t going to make it hurt any less.”
“I don’t want to get into this Haley!”
“Then what!” She finally lost whatever control she had on her emotions. “What are we doing? Are we just going to keep going like this?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m-“
“You’re pushing me away, Nathan! Don’t you see that?” She shook her head. “I know you do. Don’t pretend like you haven’t. Like this week has been. . .normal for us or something.”
Once again, they stared at each other silently as the emotions built up between them to the point where they felt. . .tangible. Like she could reach out and touch them right there in the middle of the room. . .standing between them. All those emotions only seem to add to what was quickly becoming an insurmountable barrier between them.
“You know,” Nathan said, his voice quiet but she could wasn’t fooled. His anger hadn’t dissipated at all. “I’m trying to understand why you’d rather believe Luke’s version of events? I mean it didn’t seem to bother you before. You even told me it didn’t matter. Remember?” He looked at her challengingly. “All that stuff about the guy you know now and all that?”
“Nathan, what-“
“I’m just curious,” he said with an exaggerated shrug. “Why does it matter? Whether I drove or not? Yet you believe Luke’s version. . .where I’m not driving.” He looked at her and she couldn’t help recoiling from the look in his eye. “Is it because you feel better believing you’re not with some kind of killer or-“
“W-what!” Her voice shook from the shock and disbelief. “H-how. . .I. . .you cannot think that!”
“I don’t know what to think!” he yelled and she flinched in reaction. “You tell me about going to talk to Lucas behind my back and now. . .” He threw up his hands. “Now you think I’m what? Stupid? Or crazy? That I don’t know what happened to me back then? Or I’m believing some made-up version my crazy self came up with?”
“No! But this. . .this is stupid and crazy! You actually think I believe that of you?”
“I know that you don’t believe me all of a sudden! What happened to all that faith you used to have in me?”
She stared at him, not knowing what to say. Things had gone from bad to worse. . .to disastrous. When she had planned this talk. . .confrontation. . .whatever with Nathan, never had she thought that they’d end up here. Things were even worse than before and the worst part was that she had no idea how they had gotten to this point.
“I have faith in myself,” he said calmly, which had the effect of making her feel even less calm and in-control. “Enough to know that I need to take responsibility for things. Something I’ve never done. I would have thought everyone. . .but you most of all. . .would understand it.”
“Understand this?!” she cried. “You want me to understand you acting this way?”
“You’re not even going to try?” he threw back at her.
“This is. . .” She shook her head. “You won’t even talk to me about Tim. Or the accident. So what do you want me to understand!”
He glared at her for a beat and it looked like he was going to say something else. But he pursed his lips, as if to stop himself. “I’m not going to argue with you about this Haley. You or anyone else.” The note of warning was unmistakable. Without looking at her, he turned and walked out of the bedroom.
And all she could do was look around the empty bedroom as questions she didn’t have the answer to bounced around her head and emotions like frustration, anger, but most of all helplessness, tore at her.
~*~
“Don’t take this the wrong way, kiddo, but you look like hell. Hell with a bit of death warned over thrown in.” She tried to smile at Peyton but failed dismally. If she didn’t already know that, Peyton’s reaction would have definitely clued her in. Peyton reached across the table and laid a comforting hand on her arm. “What’s wrong Hales?”
She shook her head as a host of thoughts came at her. Her relationship with Nathan had not improved since their argument. In fact, it had unraveled quickly. To the point where it made living together extremely difficult and uncomfortable. Things were already stressful for her with graduation, studying for her licensing exam, as well as finding a summer job, but the public ‘interest’ in her relationship with Nathan hadn’t completely gone away either, which she knew only increased his already heightened state of agitation. When you threw in the dismal state of their relationship, things had been brutal for her in the past week. And she knew it hadn’t been any easier for Nathan.
“Haley?” Peyton prompted, squeezing her arm gently.
She was planning on just brushing things off, but one look into her friend’s blue eyes, concern radiating from them, and she was telling Peyton everything, in that rambling fashion of hers. Peyton listened patiently until she was done, all the while, rubbing her arm comfortingly.
“I’m sorry, Hales,” Peyton said softly when she finished. She handed her a clean napkin which she took with a small smile as she dabbed at her eyes, which had filled with tears as she had talked. “I. . .had no idea. How come you didn’t say anything sooner?”
She sniffed and shook her head. “I. . . .maybe I was hoping it’d get better or something. Like he’d snap out of it or. . . .”
“But he hasn’t?” Peyton inquired gently. She shook her head sadly and felt new tears welling up. “So you guys have been arguing about it since then?”
She chuckled humorlessly. “We don’t even argue.” She dabbed at her eyes. “I. . . .I can’t do this Peyton.”
“Do what?”
“I can’t stick out another bad relationship. I won’t.”
“Haley, that’s-“ Peyton stopped and looked at her in surprise. “You really think that your relationship with Nathan is like what happened with Matthew?”
A part of her knew that it wasn’t. But it didn’t change the fact that things were messed up now. “No. It was. . .better with Nathan. It was great while it lasted. A lot of things are. Isn’t that how life works out? Some things start out great. . .but they don’t last. People change. They become different or they just change their minds about themselves. . . .or you.” She smiled sadly. “Maybe that’s what you’re supposed to do. Enjoy it while it lasts and when it ends, you accept it as inevitable.”
“It’s not inevitable though,” Peyton argued. “I can’t. . .Haley. . .you can’t be thinking what I think you are.” Her friend looked at her questioningly. “Are you?”
She looked at Peyton for a beat. There was a part of her that didn’t want to articulate it. To make it real. But there was another part of her that knew that hanging on. . .to false hope. . .false dreams. . .would only cause her more pain in the end. “I just. . .I can’t do it again, Peyton. If I’ve learned anything it’s that I can’t fight to save a relationship by myself.”
“Well, does Nathan want to end things?”
“He’s not doing anything is he?” she demanded, feeling a spark of anger ignite within her.
“But he didn’t tell you he wants to end things did he?” Peyton persisted.
“Nobody ever tells you that,” she returned dully. “They just. . .do it. In different ways.” She sighed softly. “If Nathan really wanted to be with me. . .to be in this relationship. . .he’d do something about how things are with us.”
“Maybe he can’t right now,” Peyton said gently.
She understood. . .at least a part of her did. But that didn’t seem to matter anymore. “Maybe I can’t either.”
~*~
She let herself into the house quietly. Normally she would have called out for Nathan, especially if she knew he was home. Since his cars were parked outside, she knew he was. . .and odds were, he was in his gym. She put her keys on the table in the front foyer and quietly headed for the kitchen. When had it become easier for her to not see Nathan? It was weird that she missed him. . .when he was simply just a room away. But she did. She missed him. . .or who he used to be. She shook her head. Things were getting so that she was actually thinking that Nathan had changed into someone entirely different.
But he did, that little voice told her. She sighed softly as she headed straight for the refrigerator and poured herself a glass of juice. Since her talk with Peyton a few days ago, things hadn’t become any clearer for her. Nor had things gotten better with Nathan. She took her glass and sat down on one of the stools lining the counter and looked out on the landscaped backyard.
She could still recall even the most minute detail of that picnic that Nathan had set up for her not that long ago. That had been about as perfect a night as she had ever had. In fact, many nights . . .days. . .that she had spent with Nathan had been about as perfect as it could get. They had been so happy not so long ago. So how had things gotten so bad so quickly?
She could feel herself getting choked up and swallowed a big gulp of juice to counter it. She wasn’t going to cry anymore. What was past was past. There was no use dwelling. No use clinging onto something. She had learned that the hard way. Besides, wasn’t their current problems the result of clinging onto something that had happened long ago? They both needed to let go of the past.
You can’t live in the past, she told herself sternly. Things change. . .and so do people. The only thing to do was to accept it. The only problem was, she didn’t quite know how to accept it.
Yes, you do, that little voice chimed in again. She closed her eyes, hoping the action would quiet the voice. She didn’t know if she was ready for that. As much as she wanted to leave. . .to get out of this miserable situation, there was a part of her that was telling her to fight. To stick this one out because it was worth it. But she was having trouble believing in that part of herself. More each day.
Just then, she heard footsteps in the hallway, and soon, Nathan walked into the kitchen. He looked surprised to find her sitting there, but except for the brief flash of surprise in his eyes, his demeanor remained stoically calm. He looked at her silently for a second before he walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out one of his sports drink.
She watched him as frustration, anger and hurt built inside of her. It wasn’t anything new. That’s usually how most of their interactions went these days but today, for some reason, it got to her. In a big way.
“I’m not going to do this anymore,” she said quietly, staring at the glass in her hands.
“Do what?”
And that was all it took to send her emotions bubbling over. “This!” She stood up abruptly. “I’m not doing this anymore! Living like this. Putting up with all this. . . .stuff! You.”
Her blazing brown eyes met his much-too-calm blue ones in a staring contest that seemed to stretch into forever. She saw him struggle with something inside him before he expelled a soft breath and said quietly,
“No one’s asking you to.”
For the first time in her life, she felt like hitting someone. Really hitting them. Her anger surprised her. And scared her a little. Not knowing what to do with the emotion, she slammed her glass against the counter. Hard enough to crack it, which gave her a surprising sense of satisfaction. “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”
Again, she saw the inner struggle play across his eyes. “What do you want me to say, Haley?”
“Anything!” she cried. “You can’t be happy with the way things are.”
“I’m not,” he conceded.
“Then do something,” she retorted.
“Do what?” he threw back at her. “I can’t make you believe me. You either do or-“
“That’s not what this is about!”
“Isn’t it?” he challenged.
She looked at him and finally saw things clearly. Finally listened to that little voice in her head. Finally accepted things as they were. . .not the way she wanted. . .or hoped. . .they could be. Again, she felt herself getting choked up, and could feel the tears prickling behind her eyes. But she fought to control it and she was proud that when she spoke, her voice was calm and steady. “You’re right. I mean about doing this. No one is asking me to do this. I only want to help you but you don’t want that. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to see it.” She moved towards the door. “You do what you want. And believe what you want. Just like I will. We’ll just do it without each other from now on.”
Without looking at him, she walked out and headed towards the bedroom. She made it all the way into the bedroom before the tears came. And come they did, falling from her eyes as if they were coming from a bottomless pool. But she resolutely ignored it. Her decision seemed to infuse her with a jolt of energy because she was in the closet, snatching things off the hangers and stuffing them into the first bag that she had grabbed. She managed to keep up this frenetic pace until she had stuff the overnight bag to the point where the seams strained in protest, and any attempt to stuff another item into it was met with stubborn resistance.
She threw the bag down on the floor of the closet in frustration and seeing the bag, stuffed haphazardly with her clothes finally made her decision utterly real to her in that moment. And just like that, all that energy drained out of her like air from a punctured balloon. She looked around the closet, half of it in disarray, with fallen hangers littering the floor and clothes that she had missed lying strewn about, and the emotions she had held at bay finally hit her full force. And it was then that she finally broke down. She sank to the floor and began to sob uncontrollably.
~*~
Nathan paced in the living room as he listened to Haley crying upstairs. He felt as if someone had reached into his chest and was wringing his heart painfully. And yet. . .he stayed where he was. . . .pacing. Because as much as his love for Haley made him want to run upstairs to stop her. . .to comfort her. . .something seemingly more powerful held him there. Told him it was better this way. Better to let Haley get out before she got hurt. Before he hurt her again.
Still. . .it was killing him. All of this was killing him. Tim and the past. Haley and the present. They fought inside of him. . . .neither really winning out.
Despite what he said to Haley. . .or what he thought he should say to her. . .he hated this as much as she did. He hated the distance between them. The distance he had created. He hated how things had just unraveled. . . .hated that he had let it. But he still did it. . .and still let it happen.
It’s better this way.
He sighed. A part of him didn’t really believe that. Knew that it wasn’t better this way. Knew that being with Haley was what mattered. But there was another part of him. . . the part that seemed to get a bit stronger each day. The part he seemed to listen to with increasing frequency. . .that told him that hurting Haley now was better than hurting her later. Better than if she ended up like Tim. That part had started out as a whisper that he only heard now and again, but lately seemed like it was on surround sound. Some days, it seemed to be all he heard.
He closed his eyes as his chest constricted painfully. A few days ago, he had had that dream again, only then, it had been Haley at the foot of the hospital bed instead of Tim and the image was. . . .horrifying didn’t even begin to describe it. He no longer wanted to go to sleep because of it and actually only slept these days when he literally passed out from the exhaustion. At least in that state of slumber, he didn’t dream.
Of course, he couldn’t erase that grisly image of Haley from his mind now. And it was enough for him. Enough to let things continue to unravel. . .enough to continue to push her away. He could almost convince himself that it was better this way..
He just couldn’t convince himself that he didn’t love her. That he didn’t need her. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to do that.
But she deserved better, he told himself. And he deserved. . .this. So it worked out. . .in a weird, twisted, incredibly painful way.
Just then, he noticed that Haley had stopped crying and instead was moving around upstairs. Her movements sounded. . . .deliberate. Again he felt the battle rage within him. He wanted so desperately to just race upstairs and stop her. To do whatever it took to get her to stay. And still, he stayed where he was.
Minutes passed and yet he continued to pace, knowing that at any moment, Haley would walk out of here. . .walk out of his life. . .possibly forever. Could he really let her?
Before he knew it, Haley was slowly climbing down the stairs, an overnight bag in one hand and her messenger bag slung on her shoulder. She moved slowly. . . purposely. Her face was composed, but the tear stains on her face and the redness of her eyes belied her calm exterior.
He let her get as far as the front entrance before he found his voice to call out to her. “Haley.”
She stopped but kept her back turned to him. He stared at her for long moments struggling to say what his heart was screaming so loudly inside of him.
Please don’t go!
But the words wouldn’t come. They were held back by his fear. . .his guilt. And right now, those emotions seemed stronger than his love for her.
“Y-you. . .you don’t have to leave,” he managed to get out in a strangled voice.
“Nathan, I-“ Her voice cracked and he watched as she lifted a hand to her face and draw in deep breaths. She continued to keep her back towards him but he knew she was fighting to stay in control.
“Just stay,” he got out quickly before he could stop himself. For in that moment, his heart was winning the internal battle.
She remained motionless for a long time but then, she slowly turned to him and he was unprepared for the emotions she saw in her eyes. They stared at each other silently for what seemed like hours, as naked emotions played across their faces. He wanted so much to just reach out and pull her against him. So much that his arms literally ached at not being able to. Finally, she sighed softly and whispered,
“Why should I?”
Because I love you.
The words screamed inside his head so loudly that for an instant, he thought that she had heard it too. But he knew that she hadn’t. He tried to, but couldn’t tear his eyes away from hers. She was looking at him with such hope. . .such yearning. . . .and he knew that saying something. . .anything. . .in that moment would have been enough to stop her from leaving.
And that was why he didn’t.
He just couldn’t risk it. Away from him, at least she would be safe. With him and that horrifying image would be a reality. If he thought this was killing him, having anything happen to Haley because of him would be infinitely worse. Besides, he deserved this. Deserved this moment
So he forced himself to shake his head, even as every part of his heart and soul screamed ‘Don’t!’ at him. And as he did so. . . .as he watched the hope die in her eyes and painful acceptance settle in them instead. . .he could literally feel his heart rip in two. She bit her lip as new tears welled in her eyes before she nodded sadly in understanding.
She turned and without hesitation, walked to the door and opened it.
Nathan had never cried in his life. Aside from the childish tantrums, he had learned early on about ‘toughness’ and tears were a sign of weakness. So he had never cried. He hadn’t cried when in all those relentless practices with his father. He hadn’t cried when his father had kicked him, in front of everyone, on the pitcher’s mound during that Little League game. He hadn’t cried when his mother had left him alone with his father that summer while she had had her affair. He hadn’t even cried upon learning of Tim’s death.
But as he watched Haley walk out the door and heard it close shut, he felt tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN – Friendly Interference
“Sorry about that,” Lucas said as he settled into the chair across from her. “So. . .where were we?”
She gave him a wry half-smile. “You were asking me if I had lost my mind.”
Lucas gave her a sheepish grin in return. “Is that how it came out? You know I’m not the-“
“Most tactful person in the world?” she teased.
Lucas chuckled. “I like to think of it as being honest.” He looked at her and grew serious. “But you know what I mean Hales.”
She sighed softly. She did. She had known since Lucas had insisted on meeting her what would happen. What they would talk about. Who they’d talk about. So she had spent close to a day trying to come up with an excuse to get out of it but she realized that Lucas would just see through her. Seeing him was inevitable. . .as was the conversation about Nathan.
It had been a little over a week since she had walked out and it still hurt. She had thought that it would hurt less as time passed but the opposite was true. It only hurt more. Everything hurt. Breathing. . .thinking. . .just being alive and awake hurt. It was like overnight, something inside her had been gravely injured and now she carried this almost unbearable pain around with her all the time. It was the first thing she was aware of when she woke up and the last thing she felt until unconsciousness mercifully took her.
But even sleep brought her no relief. She didn’t know what was worse. . .those dreamless sleeps that left her feeling tired the next day and even more unable to cope with the pain, or those deep slumbers where her dreams were vivid. . .and of Nathan. Because in her dreams they were always happy. . . .unencumbered by the past. . . .and together. But when she woke from those dreams, the pain was greater. . .she felt the loss more.
It was a wonder that she was still functioning in her daily life. But at least she had managed to get it together enough to graduate. She had skipped the big ceremony and instead had just picked up her diploma at the university’s offices. Still, even though she felt a measure of pride in her accomplishment, it was tainted by her sadness over Nathan.
So the last thing she wanted to do was talk about him. The pain was still fresh. . .still raw. She didn’t need to open it up and examine it. She didn’t need to talk about it and discuss just how deep and painful it was. She already knew those things and stating the obvious wasn’t going to make her feel any better.
“Lucas,” she said softly. “Could we not?”
Lucas looked at her sympathetically as he reached out and placed his hand on hers. “I. . . .” Lucas shook his head. “I really thought you and Nathan were. . . .” He sighed. “Would it help if I told you Nathan’s doing really badly?”
Her traitorous heart instantly swelled with concern and she wanted to ask just what Lucas meant by that. But knowing that Nathan wasn’t doing well didn’t help. . .not in the least.
“He’s missing practice. . .barely talks to anyone. He’s just. . .” Lucas sighed. “What happened Hales?”
“Luke. . . .” She shook her head. “What does it matter?”
“It matters ‘cause I love you guys,” Lucas said sincerely. “And I hate seeing you like this.”
“I. . .we couldn’t.. . .” She shook her head helplessly. That was the other thing about distance and time. When she left, things had seemed so clear. . .her actions seemed so right. But now, it was like all she heard were the doubts. She was no longer certain of anything. Except for the pain and sandess.
Lucas sighed. “Look, I know. . .I know my brother can be difficult and the world’s biggest ass but I also know without a doubt that he loves you Haley.”
“It’s not. . .enough.”
“What?” Lucas looked at her in disbelief. “Haley that-“
“There’s too many things. . .in the past and. . .”
Lucas sighed heavily. “I know he’s dealing with some stuff right now but. . .that doesn’t change how he feels about you. Or how you feel about him.”
“Luke. . .” she protested. Her emotions seemed to be lurking just underneath the surface these days ready for just the slightest thing to unleash them. And she couldn’t do it anymore. She could not keep having these little breakdowns because soon, she’d just break.
“Haley. . .I just. . .I don’t get this.” Lucas’ eyes shined with both concern and confusion. “I have never seen two people more in love than you and Nathan. I’ve never seen two happier people either. So to let something that happened so long ago come between you now it’s. . . .it’s just dumb.”
She said nothing, staring out the restaurant’s windows. Long moments passed and there was nothing but the sound of soft chatter from the other people in the restaurant. She really wanted to just go home. . .but it didn’t seem like home anymore. She was back in the apartment she had shared with Peyton but it felt different. Everything felt different these days.
“Did you know that I still resent Nathan at times?” Lucas asked quietly. Her gaze shifted back to him and she was surprised to see the play of emotions in his eyes.
“You what?”
Lucas grimaced slightly. “Yeah. I still resent him. It’s weird you know? Sometimes when I look at him I don’t see my kid brother. . .I see the guy who got to live the life I wished for as a kid. . .the guy who got the family. . .the father. Even though I know how hard things were for him. . .even though I know ultimately I was the one who lucked out. . .a part of me still resents it.”
She was surprised to hear this from Lucas. She had always thought that after he and Nathan had bonded as brothers, things from their past had been. . .settled. That things between them were good. . .not perfect. . .but good between them. “Luke, that’s-“
“That’s the thing. I can’t help how I feel about the past sometimes but that doesn’t change how I feel about him now, in the present. And I love him. . .difficult pain in the ass that he can be at times.” She smiled slightly. “So just like the way he feels about Tim and all that stuff. . .it doesn’t change how he feels about you Hales.”
“Luke, it’s-“
“Not the same thing. I know, because he’s letting his feelings about Tim affect his behavior now but I. . . .” Lucas smiled deprecatingly. “I just. . .I guess a part of me is still that idealistic, naïve kid who believes that if you love someone and they love you. . .that should be enough.”
She looked at Lucas mutely. A part of her wanted to believe that too. A part of her still remembered them in that wonderfully naïve, young, and idealistic stage. Remembered the hours they had spent on the roof of Karen’s Cafe talking about what they wanted in life. But she hadn’t felt connected to that part of herself in a very, very long time. Not since she had left Tree Hill.
~*~
Nathan stared impassively at his brother, who was sitting across from him. . .jaw clenched with some unexpressed emotion. . .and riffling through his notebook. He knew that something was bothering Lucas ever since he had shown up here, but so far, his brother was keeping what was bugging him to himself.
Which was fine with him, because he didn’t care at all. He didn’t care about these twice-a-week meetings with Lucas to keep his comeback on track. He didn’t care about his comeback. He didn’t care about his career or anything else for the matter. He just wanted to be left alone, but the world seemed unwilling to grant him even that.
Lucas loudly turned a few more pages in his notebook and he ignored it, continuing to calmly stare at his brother as he waited for the inevitable outbreak. He had a pretty good idea what Lucas’ latest fit would be about, but again, didn’t care. So he had missed a few practices this week. . .practically all the practices really. . .but what did that matter? Did anything really matter these days?
Lucas finally pursed his lips and tossed the notebook onto the coffee table in annoyance. “Why am I even bothering?”
And here it comes.
“What?” he asked his brother evenly. Lucas’ eyes ignited with anger but in the next instant, he saw Lucas struggle to hold it in. He sighed impatiently. “Just get it over with already!”
“Get what over with?”
“Your bitching,” he retorted. “Isn’t that what you’ve been trying to work yourself up to? So do it already! I’ve got better things to do than to sit here and wait for you to grow a pair!”
“Better things?” Lucas threw back at him. “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I interrupting your continued descent into the pathetic mess you’ve made of your life?”
Anger. . .familiar anger. . .rose in him and he grasped it. It was better than feeling those other things. Anger at least he knew and understood, even if it was unjustified on his part. “Fuck you man! I don’t have to sit here and take this crap from you.”
“Yes you do!” Lucas yelled. “’Cause I’m your agent and manager but more than that I’m your brother! And about the only person left who can stand to be around you!”
“Well, I can’t stand to be around you so get the hell out of my house!” He stood up, intent on leaving but Lucas was faster and had blocked his way. “Get the fuck out of my way. Or I’ll make you!”
“You want to hit me?” Lucas challenged. He jutted out his jaw. “Go ahead. Hit me. If that’s what it’ll take for you to snap out of this, then fine. . .take a shot, man.”
He glared at Lucas and felt his hands clench into fists, but he didn’t swing. Because Lucas wasn’t who he wanted to hit. He blew out an angry breath and just like that, felt the anger flow out of him. He walked over and sank back down onto the sofa.
Lucas stood where he was for a few minutes before he too sat back down on the sofa opposite of him. He could feel his brother’s eyes on him but he ignored it, looking anywhere and everywhere except at Lucas.
“You know,” Lucas began softly, after long moments of uncomfortable silence had passed between them. “I’ve been thinking back to that day at the Rivercourt. . .the day we talked about you making a return to the pros. . .remember?”
He shrugged, still not looking at his brother. “I guess.”
“I’ve been running that day over in my head a lot in the last few days.” Lucas’ voice had taken on a contemplative tone. “You know what occurred to me?” Again, he shrugged. “I mean we talked about mostly everything. ..how we were going to get you back into the pros, which teams seemed likely, your training, people we should talk to about this. . .all those details and yet, we never talked about the most important thing.” Silence stretched between them and reluctantly, he forced himself to meet his brother’s gaze. “Why you wanted to make a comeback.”
He stared at Lucas in surprise. He had not expected that at all. He was expecting something like ‘whether you’re ready for it’ or something along that line. “What?”
“We didn’t,” Lucas stated matter-of-factly. “Never once did I ask you why you wanted to do it. And you never told me either. We just both treated it as a done deal.”
“It is a done deal.”
“Assuming it’s not-“
“I’m not in the mood for games, Luke.”
“Who says it’s a game?”
“What else is it?” he blew out impatiently. “The contracts are signed. . .the press releases are written. . .people have bought their tickets. . .it’s a done deal.”
“You know as well as anyone that the contract you have with the Bobcats has some outs. . .for both of you. And actually, the way things are going, the Bobcats might be exercising those outs.”
“And here we go with the bitching,” he muttered.
“Damn it Nathan! Stop being an ass for one freaking second and listen!” He and Lucas exchanged angry glares before Lucas sighed. “Look, just. . .humor me or whatever, O.K? Just. . .tell me why you wanted to make this comeback.”
“What does it matter?”
Lucas didn’t say anything, staring at the ground for several long moments. Finally, he said softly,
“’Cause I. . .can’t help thinking that this comeback is what triggered all this. The thing with your past and Tim. How it messed up things with Haley.”
At the mention of her name, he felt that overwhelming sense of sadness wash over him. Most of the time, he managed to keep it at bay. It was easy sometimes because he had his guilt to keep him company. But in those unguarded moments when thoughts of her crept up on him. . .those moments were the worst. Those moments made him glad that he no longer kept any booze around his house ‘cause they hurt so much that all he wanted was to numb himself to it. He didn’t tell Lucas how many times he had gotten into his car to drive to a bar or a liquor store to stock up. The only thing that stopped him was the thought that he’d drive drunk again and end up killing someone else.
“Don’t,” he warned his brother.
“Do you want to be a pro ball player?” Lucas asked him quietly. “Do you want to spend months on the road? Do you love playing basketball enough to do it everyday with all the other stuff that comes along with it? Why do you want to do this?” Lucas stopped and looked at him questioningly. “I should have asked those questions that day at the Rivercourt.”
“Why?” he asked. “What would you have done if I couldn’t answer you? Or if I said I wanted the fame and glory? Or the easy ass it would have gotten me? You saying you wouldn’t have helped me out?”
“If you had said any of that, then you would have been lying,” Lucas stated calmly. “And I would have still helped you. Funny thing about the past. . .sometimes you look back and wish you could have done this or that and you convince yourself that if you had, things would be different but. . . .would they?”
“That’s real subtle Luke,” he said sarcastically.
“The only thing you can do is work with what you have now,” Lucas continued. “So in that spirit, I’ll lay it out for you. You think about it. . .whether or not you really want to do this. . . make a comeback to the pros. I mean really think about it and you let me know.”
“Then what?” he questioned. “I’m not exactly cut out for anything else. It’s all I have.”
“No it’s not,” Lucas countered. “You’re not stupid, despite some actions to the contrary, and while I don’t necessarily see it, a lot of people say you have a certain. . .charm. And you do have a college degree. That should get you pretty far along.” Lucas shrugged. “Hell, I thought basketball was all I had until my shoulder gave out.”
“And you whined for months after that.”
“Then I got myself together and moved on with my life.” Lucas smiled wryly. “And if I can do it, your ass sure as hell can.”
Lucas’ unexpressed meaning came through loud and clear. “Luke-“
“Just think about it, O.K.?” Lucas grabbed his notebook and rose. “And whatever you decide, if it’s what you really want, I’ll help you. . .contracts and all that stuff be damned.” He looked at his brother for a long beat before he nodded. Lucas smiled slightly before he headed towards the door. But he stopped just before he got there and said softly. “You have to deal with this, Nate, ‘cause she’s not going to wait around forever.”
~*~
“Peyton?” she asked with a soft knock on her friend’s partially open door. Funny how when this used to be their apartment, she never hesitated before walking into Peyton’s room if the door wasn’t shut completely. But things had changed. So many things.
“Enter!” came Peyton’s cheerful command. She smiled slightly and walked into her friend’s room which now contained a lot of Jake’s possessions scattered about.
“Hey,” she greeted Peyton who was rooting through her closet. “Busy?”
“I’m cleaning. . .or doing something that resembles it I think.” Peyton made a face at the piles of clothes near her feet. “So please, by all means, distract me!”
She smiled and went over to the only chair that wasn’t piled high with stuff. She shifted a few items of clothing from it onto the bed before she settled in. “O.K. Well, I just wanted to tell you that I’ll be out of yours and Jake’s hair by next week.”
“Haley Lynn James!” Peyton looked at her exasperatedly. “What did I say about finding your own apartment? You do not need to do that! Jake and I do not mind having you here!”
She smiled. “I know and I didn’t get my own apartment.”
“Then what?” Peyton looked at her questioningly. ”You’re up to something. ..spill!”
“Well, you know how I’ve been looking for a job or internship for the summer since my job with the state’s social services department doesn’t start until September?” Peyton nodded. “Well, do you remember months ago I was talking about that internship that deals with at-risk youths in the juvenile detention facilities?”
“Yeah,” Peyton said, coming over to the bed and sitting down. “I thought you nixed that idea though.”
“I did,” she said softly. “But I decided to just send in the application because what’s the harm right? And it is a great opportunity to work in a program that combines research and practical applications. Anyway, I heard back from them about a month ago and turned them down and they told me if I changed my mind to give them a call. So, I called them up this week and it turns out they still have an opening and they just offered it to me.”
“That’s great!” Peyton smiled. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” she smiled back at her friend. “This internship is perfect. I mean it’s a 10 week program so that’s just 2 ½ months which gives me plenty of time to move back here and find a new place because-“
“Move back here?” Peyton interrupted. “Move back here from where?”
She sighed softly. She knew she wasn’t going to get that one pass Peyton. “San Francisco.”
“What!”
“That’s where the program is Peyt.”
“You’re moving to San Francisco?”
“It’s only for 10 weeks,” she said quietly. “And I’ll get to spend the summer with my Dad. I already talked to him and he’s really excited about me coming out there to stay with him.” She looked at her friend pleadingly. “Come on, Peyton. It’s not that bad. I mean-“
“You know what I think?” Peyton asked, looking at her seriously.
“What?”
“You’re running away.”
“I’m what?” she asked, pretending to be shocked. She was shocked but not by what Peyton had said. She was shocked at how close Peyton had gotten to the truth. Actually a part of that was the truth if she was completely honest with herself. But she wasn’t in the mood for that right now. “I’m not running away! What do I even need to run away for?”
“Nathan.”
“Peyton that’s-“ She stopped abruptly as emotions that she thought she had successfully shoved into the furthest recesses of her mind bubbled up. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” Peyton asked quietly.
“Yes!” Her denial sounded just a little too emphatic.
“I just don’t get why all of a sudden you’re moving clear across the country to take part in a program you weren’t even interested in a month ago.”
“I changed my mind,” she said curtly. And instantly she regretted the tone of her voice. “Peyton. . .just. . .can’t you be happy for me about this? It’s a great opportunity.”
“I’m happy for you,” Peyton offered sincerely. “If this is what you really want.”
“It is,” she said softly. Peyton was still looking at her doubtfully however. “I. . .will be happy, O.K.? Not about this but you know. . .just happy in general. It’ll take some time, that’s all. But in the meantime, I have a shot at this really great opportunity and I should take it. I mean. . .” She sighed. “I’ve spent the past week and a half just. . .you’ve seen how I’ve been. It’s a small miracle if I can just get up and get dressed for the day and I. . .I can’t keep doing that, Peyton. I need a change.”
Peyton nodded in understanding. “I know I just. . .”
“What?”
Peyton looked at her a beat before she said half-teasingly, “We’re best friends right?”
“Oh, God.”
“And you know as your best friend, I’ve always been honest with you right? Like the time I told you that hat that you really liked looked like you had a tea cozy sitting on your head?”
She couldn’t help smiling slightly. “It was a vintage.”
Peyton nodded. “So you say. The point is, we’ve always been really honest with each other right?”
“Yes,” she said slowly, already dreading the direction of the conversation.
“So in all honesty, I have to tell you that I don’t think you should do this because you’re just running away.”
“Peyton, I-“
“Let me finish, O.K.?” Peyton cut in gently. “You know, I think after all these years, I’ve pretty much figured you out. . .and hopefully you’ve figured me out too. But there’s always been one thing I never quite gotten about you.” Peyton paused and looked at her affectionately. “I swear to God, Haley, if I was ever in a life or death battle and I had a choice between I don’t know. . .Hercules or whoever and you. . .I’d pick you. . .no doubt, no hesitation ‘cause you are the toughest person I’ve ever met.” She smiled at her friend’s words. “I remember when we were first friends and that ass Charles dumped me before our junior prom. . .remember that?” She nodded. “And not only did you organize for us and a bunch of other girls to go to the dance. . .as the stagettes, remember?. . .but when you ran into him at the dance, you. . .unleashed on him in front of everyone.”
Peyton chuckled at the memory. “I knew right then and there that no matter what I needed to keep you in my life. I mean if you holding my hand while I cried over that unworthy bastard wasn’t enough, the sight of you telling him off definitely sealed the deal.”
“I remember thinking that I was damn lucky to have found such a loyal, feisty and tough-as-nails chick to be my friend,” Peyton said, her voice tinged with pride. “People like that don’t come around all that often in life you know?”
“Peyton that’s-“
“But here’s what I don’t get. It’s like in your personal life, that tough and feisty person doesn’t even exist.”
“What?”
Peyton sighed. “I don’t know, Hales. I just. . .I mean you let that idiot Matthew walk all over you. I mean if he had been some guy involved in a domestic dispute or some bureaucrat standing between you and a client, you’d have made quick work of him. And with Nathan-“
“Peyt-“
“Why don’t you fight, Hales?” Peyton asked gently.
“What?”
“Fight. Why don’t you get mad and scream and yell. . .and fight?” Peyton looked at her thoughtfully. “Do you know that I’ve never seen you really angry?”
“That’s not true,” she denied. “I’ve bitched and-“
“And complained and whined,” Peyton finished for her. “Like all of us do on any given day. But I’ve never seen you. . . .spitting mad. Mad where losing your temper was just the start.”
“Peyton, what. . . .this. . .look, screaming and yelling and throwing tantrusm. . .that’s counterproductive.”
Peyton shrugged. “Maybe. But it might make you feel better.”
“How?”
“Just to get it out. I just. . .I’ve never seen you. . .rage against. . .I don’t know. . .something. . .or someone. . .for having your relationships go bad. You never chewed out Matthew. . .most people in your shoes would be screaming bloody murder after the initial shock wore off.” Peyton looked at her questioningly. “You never once considered doing what that woman in Waiting to Exhale did, did you?” She looked at her friend in confusion. “When she found out her husband was cheating on her? She loaded up his clothes in his car and then set fire to it.”
“No, I’ve never considered arson,” she said dryly.
“You know what I mean.”
“What good would that have done?” she asked impatiently. “Things would have still been over for us.”
“Are you saying you’ve never wanted to call him every name in the book? Are you saying that just going off on him. . . .telling him what a complete scumbag he is wouldn’t have made you feel a little better?”
She fidgeted. The conversation was moving further and further into an area she really didn’t want to venture into. “What does any of this have to do with my internship?”
“Everything. You’re not fighting again, Haley.”
“Fighting what?” she bit out sharply.
“Nathan. His past. Everything! Aren’t you the least bit angry that your relationship with him unraveled over something that happened long before you ever met him? Aren’t you angry about any of this?” Peyton looked at her. “I mean have you grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and said, ‘Hey! This is stupid!’? Have you confronted him?”
“Yes!” she cried. “That’s why I’m where I am.”
“I know you had that one fight, Hales. But since then? That’s what I mean. I’ve seen you with clients who made Nathan seem downright chatty and you never quit on them. You pushed and pushed until they finally gave in.”
She looked at her friend, hurt. “You think I’m a quitter?”
“No! I didn’t mean it that way. I’ve already told you that I think you’re the toughest person I know. I just. . .I don’t get why you don’t relay any of that toughness into your personal life.” Peyton sighed softly. “Maybe I’m being an armchair psychiatrist but it’s like where love’s concerned, you’d rather just let go.”
“Sometimes it’s easier to let go.”
“Love isn’t easy, Hales,” Peyton said quietly as she reached over and grasped her hand. “Relationships aren’t. Lord knows as much as I love Jake and as well as things are going, there are still times when I want to just throttle him. Times when I doubt us. . .when I know he’s doubting us.”
She said nothing, not really knowing what to say just then. Peyton squeezed her hand. “Look, I’m sorry Haley. I. . . .am happy that you’ve got this great opportunity. But I just. . .I want you to be happy, you know that right?”
She nodded. “I know.”
Peyton smiled sadly. “But God. . . .San Francisco? What the hell am I going to do with you 3000 miles away?”
She reached over and embraced her friend. “It’ll be O.K. I mean I’ll even upgrade my phone plan so you can call me whenever and there’s AIM and e-mail and. . . .I just. . .I need to do this.” She cleared her throat. “I want to do this.”
~*~
“Peyton?” Nathan stared at the blond on the other side of his door in confusion.
“Hi,” Peyton greeted him. “I, um, hope you don’t mind that I let myself in through the gates. I don’t know if Haley mentioned it to you but she sort of gave me the code a while back.”
He nodded, still confused by her presence. “Uh, yeah, she. . .mentioned that.”
Peyton glanced over his shoulder quickly before looking back at him. “Um. . .can I come in?”
“Uh, yeah, sure,” he said, stepping aside to let her pass him. After he had shut the door, he found her standing in the middle of the living room, an odd expression on her face.
“This feels strange,” she said, looking around. “I’m used to Haley being here when I’m here.” She looked at him a beat. “And also because I know that when Haley finds out about this, she’s gonna kill me.”
He looked at Peyton questioningly. He was still trying to process that Haley’s best friend was here, and she seemingly wanted to talk to him. He would have thought that after everything that had happened, Peyton would be the last person to talk to him.
“She’s gone,” Peyton said suddenly, catching him off-guard.
“W-what?”
“Haley’s gone.”
“Gone where?”
Peyton smiled slightly. “I can’t tell you that. I mean Haley will forgive me for this but I think I’d be really crossing the line if I told you where she was since I know that’s the last thing she wants. But she’s gone. . .she left Charlotte a few days ago.”
He stared at Peyton, not knowing what to say. A part of him knew that he shouldn’t be surprised, and yet he was. Really surprised. He guessed that somewhere, deep inside of him, he had hoped that Haley would wait. For what he wasn’t sure but having her near. . .knowing where she was. . .it gave him a weird sense of hope. And now that hope had been irrevocably dashed. Lucas’ words suddenly seemed cruelly prophetic in a way.
You have to deal with this Nate, ‘cause she’s not going to wait around forever.
He sighed heavily and walked over to the sofa and sank down on it. Peyton looked at him for several seconds before she moved over and sat down next to him.
“Why are you telling me this?” he asked her quietly.
“You ever play one of those games. . .where you get asked these hypothetical questions about life situations and what would you do in a certain situation?” she asked him, ignoring his question.
He glanced at her briefly before he shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Well, when Haley and I were college sophomores. . .during one of those weekends when we got together. . .we played one of those games and there was one question that she answered that I haven’t forgotten to this day.” He turned and looked at her, his curiosity getting the better of him. “Anyway, the question was ‘if you saw your best friend’s husband cheating, would you tell your best friend?’”
Peyton smiled. “You’d expect most people’s answers to be either ‘yes,’ ‘no,’ or ‘it depends’ or something right?” He nodded. “You know what Haley said? And this is an exact quote. ‘I’d tell you where I buried him.’”
He couldn’t help smiling. That answer really was memorable. . .and very much like something Haley would say. Peyton shared a smile with him before she grew serious..
“The thing is, she was completely serious about it. It wasn’t her trying to be clever or witty or any of that. She really meant it and I have no doubt that she still means it.” Peyton looked at him wryly. “I’ll bet you’re wondering why I’m telling you this, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“You know, I think that little anecdote really gives you a good idea of who Haley is.” He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, but said nothing. “I mean she’ll fight tooth and nail for those that she loves and for something she believes in. But. . .you know, if the question had been, ‘if you saw your husband cheating on you, what would you do?’ I think her answer would be really different.”
Peyton sighed. “You know she met Matthew not long after that and, well, he’s not exactly dead and buried even though he deserves to be. And since I never got a chance to do for her what she would have done for me with Matthew, I thought I’d do it now. With you.”
“You’re here to kill me?” he asked, only half-jokingly.
Peyton chuckled. “I thought I’d try talking to you first. And if that doesn’t work, then there’s Plan B.”
“Peyton, I get that you have good intentions but-“
“I know, I’m meddling,” she cut in. “Hence, the thing I said about Haley killing me when she finds out about this. So, since I’m risking life and limb here. . .could you just hear me out? Please?”
He sighed. He didn’t want to talk about Haley. Least of all with her best friend, who he didn’t even know that well, but he felt this strange compulsion to listen to her. “O.K.”
“Haley’s not gonna fight,” she said quietly.
“What?”
“She’s not gonna fight,” she repeated. “At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychiatrist. . .she’s had too many experiences that makes her leery of fighting. After her mother. . .and then Matthew. . .I think she’s almost expecting people to leave her. She actually said something like that to me and it didn’t really click until she told me she was leaving.”
“Haley seems really strong doesn’t she?” she asked him. He could only nod, not quite able to keep up with the way she was moving the conversation around. “But see. . .underneath. ..she’s not really that strong. I mean, growing up with her parents’ as examples and then having the guy she thought she would spend the rest of her life with turn out to be a two-timing scumbag and-“
“And me?”
“No,” Peyton said firmly. “You’re different. At least I think you are.”
“Maybe I’m not.”
“Maybe you only want to think that,” she retorted. “Or maybe you’re a good actor ‘cause I saw you two together and if you can fake all that. . .then you should give up this basketball thing and go into acting.”
Peyton looked at him challengingly and he couldn’t hide behind his guilt just then. “It was real.”
“Then it’s worth fighting for. And so is Haley. She deserves someone who knows what she’s worth. And she deserves someone who’s gonna prove to her that people don’t always leave. . .she deserves someone with staying power.” Peyton looked him straight in the eyes and he couldn’t look away. “I’m hoping you’re gonna be that person. ‘Cause I know she has never been as happy as she was when she was with you and you looked pretty damn happy with her too.”
He could only stare at Peyton, not knowing what to say. “Did you know that my mom died when I was 12?”
He nodded. “Haley said that you lost her when you were young.”
Peyton nodded. “For years after that, I, um, blamed myself. I was in that weird pre-teen period and just starting to rebel and all that and then she got into that accident and she died and it just. . .it sent me reeling. I kept thinking that if I hadn’t argued with her about going to this party or had listened to her about doing this chore or that chore or had been a better student or was more obedient instead of such a hard-headed brat that she wouldn’t have driven that day. . .or wouldn’t have run that red light. Something. . .anything.”
“For years, all I could think about was what I did wrong,” she continued. “Every argument played so vividly in my head. Every time I talked back to her. . .every time I did something I wasn’t supposed to do. . .every angry word I ever said to her. . .every time I was mad at her and wished that I had a different mother.” She sighed softly. “I just. . .it killed me to think that that’s what she’d take with her.”
“You know what I remember now?” she asked, her voice soft and wistful. “I remember how soft she felt when I hugged her. . .I remember her laugh ‘cause it was so loud and infectious. . .I remember those nights when my Dad was away on one of those long trips of his and we’d snuggle together in her big bed and watch these really awful horror films together.” She looked at him then and he saw the shimmer of tears in her eyes. “I remember the good stuff.”
“Losing someone’s so hard,” she said softly. “but if you accept it and deal with it. . .that’s what you’re left with. The good stuff. I mean don’t get me wrong. . .a part of it will always hurt. Every time her birthday comes around. . .every holiday even. . .that pain seems just a little sharper.”
She shifted her position on the sofa so that she was facing him fully. “You’re probably thinking I’m way out of line thinking I know what you’re going through or even trying to compare my situation with yours but that’s not why I’m saying all of this. I just. . .I want you to know that I understand. . .on a certain level. . .I understand.”
“I’m sorry about your mom,” he said softly. “But that’s-“
“Not the same,” she cut in with a nod of her head. “I get it. But I do understand ‘cause for years, when I was just. . .trying to get my bearings. .. .I used to think that I was this or that because my mother got killed. After a while, I realized that I was doing her a disservice. Her death didn’t make me do any of the stupid things I used to do. And if I went out tomorrow and robbed a bank or something, my mother’s death had nothing to do with that.” She looked at him. “It took me a while but I realized that the only way to make things. . .right. . .was to live a life my mother would be proud of. That’s all I can do. ..all any of us can do until they invent that time machine.”
“That’s what she wanted when she was alive. . .and that’s what she would have wanted now,” she continued. “She would have wanted me to live a good life. . .to do good things. . .to be happy. And she deserved that. ‘Cause saying I lived a good life. . .that I changed this world in some small way for the better because my mother’s death influenced me sounds a hell of a lot better than saying I’m miserable or in prison ‘cause my mom died, you know?”
“Anyway, thanks for letting me. . .talk.” She smiled slightly before rising to her feet. “I, um. . .I’m sorry if I was out of line in any way. Actually. . .I’m not really. I’m not sorry I did this ‘cause Haley deserves this. She deserves to have someone fight some of her battles when she can’t.”
"You’re not going to tell me where she is are you?”
“I really can’t,” she said with an apologetic smile. Then she fixed him with a pointed gaze. “But I’m not the only who knows.”
