Living in the Moment
by Kate
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN – Sins of the Fathers
Nathan waited impatiently for the gate to open. He was so damn tired. He didn’t think he’d ever been this tired before. Not during all those long practices in high school, college or in the pros. Not since he had decided to make his comeback and had endured rigorous workouts to get himself back into peak physical condition. Not even after a particularly hard workout that his father had pushed him through.
As he pulled his car up his curving driveway, he saw a familiar car parked next to his black Porsche. He groaned softly as he pulled passed it and saw the car’s owner standing by his front door.
Fuck. Just what he needed.
He considered just making a quick turn and heading back out but knew that wouldn’t solve anything. If anything, it would just delay the inevitable and probably make the inevitable uglier. With a resigned sigh, he shifted the car into park and got out. “Dad.”
“Your cell phone not working?” Dan asked him, waiting as he walked. . .slower than usual. . .towards the door.
He shrugged. “I turned it off.”
Dan stared at him silently and he ignored it, stepping past his father and opening his door. He considered what would happen if he were to simply shut the door in his father’s face, but that childish thought passed and he held the door open, wordlessly inviting his father in.
He proceeded straight to his kitchen, not bothering to see if his father was following. He headed for the refrigerator and pulled out a sports dink. Turning, he found Dan standing just inside the entryway of the kitchen, still staring at him with that _expression. He held the drink up in offer to his father who shook his head. He shrugged again as he unscrewed the top and took a swig from the bottle. Dan stayed quiet as he finished nearly half the bottle. Nathan sighed quietly as he took a seat on one of the stools.
He knew his father’s game. And it didn’t affect him anymore. At least not much. Ever since he could remember, his father had done this. Instead of just getting right into it, there would be this uncomfortable, tense period of silence. Where he had to await the blow that he knew was coming. He had hated it as a kid. . .had been downright angered by it as a teenager. . .and now? Now he hated it and it was pissing him off too.
He was in no mood for this.
“What can I do for you Dad?” he asked, not bothering to mask the note of impatience in his voice.
Dan just continued stare at him in silence, and he forced himself to meet his father’s eyes unflinchingly. Several long moments passed before Dan finally spoke. “I just wanted to ask you about something I heard.”
“What?” he asked, not at all fooled by the casual tone that his father had used.
“You’re thinking of quitting the Bobcats?”
Even after all these years, he still didn’t know how his father did it. Managed to stay on top of his basketball career, despite his best efforts not to include him at all. His father knew all about his progress. . .or lack thereof. . .when he had been clear across the country at UCLA. He had also known which pro teams were seriously scouting him and had regularly called or sent e-mails with his opinions. Opinions that Nathan had largely ignored. And when he had decided on a comeback, despite the fact that both he and Lucas rarely talked about basketball with their father, Dan had known. His father somehow just knew. So this wasn’t exactly surprising.
It was, however, incredibly irritating.
“Who told you that?” he asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” Dan replied. “So it’s true?”
“Why are you asking me?” he asked, his voice carrying a trace of insolence. “Looks like you already know.”
Dan’s eyebrows furrowed. “Where have you been all week since it hasn’t been at practice?”
He expelled a breath in annoyance. “Last time I checked, I didn’t need to report to you anymore.”
Anger flashed in his father’s eyes. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“What?” he challenged. “What do you expect? I’m not 13 years old anymore Dad!” He looked at his father disbelievingly. “Do you realize how. . . .pathetic. . .this is? You still keeping tabs on me?”
“Oh you want to talk pathetic?” Dan challenged. “Let’s talk about you going into a free fall and screwing up your life. Again!”
He stood up angrily. “I’m not doing this. Not with you.”
He stormed out of his kitchen but Dan was hot on his heels. “You’re damn well going to do this!”
“Just get out Dad!”
“You know,” said Dan, his voice rough. “I know you think otherwise but I’ve actually been easy on you. Ever since you went off to college, I’ve actually just stood aside and let you. . . .do whatever the hell you wanted.” His mouth twisted into a sneer. “Looked how well that turned out.”
“Oh!” Nathan threw up his hands as he walked into this living room. “Is this what this is? You’re suddenly deciding to play father?”
“Play father?” Dan’s voice rose. “Play father! What the hell does that mean? I am your father! Do you realize where you’d be if it wasn’t for me?’
“You know I think about that all the time these days?” he threw back.
Dan laughed incredulously. “Unbelievable! People make messes of their lives and somehow it’s always my fault.”
“You weren’t exactly father of the year!”
“And you weren’t exactly the Beaver,” Dan retorted. “I love that every time something goes wrong in somebody’s life around here, it’s my fault. Yet, when things go right, do I get any credit?”
“You don’t deserve any,” he said coldly.
Dan’s eyes flashed with anger. “I don’t deserve any credit? You think you got all of this-” Dan waved his hands around the living room. “on your own? That I had nothing to do with it?”
“You didn’t!”
“If you really believe that, you’ve gone even further off the deep end.”
“What did you have to do with this Dad?” he cried, feeling that familiar anger bubbling up inside of him. “What! You never did any of that for me! Those relentless practices. . . .all that browbeating. . .the constant criticism. . the so-called parenting! Don’t pretend that you did that out of some selfless fatherly concern!”
“Well you’re right about that,” Dan bit out. “I’m wishing my ‘so-called parenting’ had included doing something more about that mouth of yours when you were younger!”
“Does the truth hurt Dad?” he taunted.
“The truth? Is that what we’re talking about? You want to talk truth?” Dan looked at him coldly and despite his anger, he was still affected by it. It was if all feeling had left his father. There was nothing there but a deep, dark void. “How about the truth about how you and you alone fucked up your life? About how you’re doing it again! And that, son, that is you and you alone. I had nothing to do with the boozing and the drugs. I had nothing to do with Tim.” Dan’s eyes bore into him. “And I certainly had nothing to do with Haley.”
The anger inside him quickly came to a boil and he took a few steps at his father. “You leave her out of this!”
That was the wrong thing to do though. Because he had exposed himself to his father just then. Exposed the fact that he had struck a nerve and his father wasn’t the type of person to back off once he had hit something like that. Dan looked him over slowly. “Is that what this is about? Some girl left you and now you’re unraveling like some-“
“Leave her out of this!”
Dan shook his head derisively. “I can’t believe this. Well, you. . .I’m not all that surprised by but I thought that at least on this go-around having your brother oversee things, it’d be better. Lucas I had a little more faith in. But apparently he’s letting you do this.”
“Oh, nice. Bringing in Luke, Dad. What’s next? Talking about Mom and her affairs?”
Dan’s eyes narrowed. “You think this is a game? You might not believe this but I’m actually trying to help you here. Maybe I’m not doing it in that warm and cuddly fashion that seems all the rage these days but you know what that gets you? A bunch of wimps and half-assed idiots!”
“You might not have liked the way I did things,” Dan continued. “But you’re a pro ball player Nate! Or you could be if you got your head on straight! I may have been hard on you about basketball but it gave you a purpose! It gave you goals. . .and discipline! Look what happened when you didn’t have those things!”
“It didn’t give me anything else!” he cried. “You think basketball will solve everything? That’s what you’ve always thought. Mom leaves us and it’s more practices for me. I get a bad grade and you brush it off because the last game I played I didn’t score higher than my average against some team. Instead of worrying about that grade, you have me dissect game films! And if I acted out, as long as I kept my game up, you didn’t care.”
“Don’t you think it’s time you let go of those things? Yeah, I’m not ever gonna win father of the year. Just like I’m not gonna play pro ball, but at some point, you let go. Stop living in the past.”
“You didn’t,” he accused.
Dan snorted scornfully. “Oh, I didn’t? I’m the one with a successful business, respected in my community. And you. . .you’re. . .what?” Dan waved his hand at him. “There’s just no two ways about it, Nate. You’re a wretched mess who’s throwing his life right out the window because he can’t get over the fact that he screwed up. . .can’t get over some girl and-“ Dan stopped abruptly. “You are this close to having everything! Everything!”
“Myabe I don’t want it!”
“You don’t want it!” his father exploded. “I never pegged you as stupid son but-“ Dan shook his head. “You know how many people would love the second chance you supposedly don’t want? How many people would literally kill to have the opportunities that you seem intent on pissing away? How many people spend their life regretting things? How’d they give anything. . .anything. . .to get that second chance!”
It was weird. One minute and all he felt was anger coursing through him. Anger that was so intense he literally shook at the effort it took to not let it explode. And then, almost instantaneously, that anger was replaced by an even more powerful emotion. Understanding. It was like he finally saw his father for the first time. Truly saw his father and it scared him. Not because of what his father could do, but because with that understanding came another emotion. One that rocked him to his very core.
“What?” His father demanded, suddenly aware of the sudden shift in his demeanor.
“Nothing,” he said quietly. He was barely aware of his father’s presence just then because all he could focus on was the plea running on a loop inside his head.
Please don’t let it be too late.
~*~
“Good morning Sunshine.”
Haley groaned softly as she settled into the chair across from her father, her hands curled around a steaming mug of coffee. “You know I hate when you greet me in the morning like that.”
“That’s why I do it sweetheart,” Phillip James said teasingly. She hid her smile with her mug and took a sip of the coffee. “It’s a beautiful day today.”
She looked out the window of the small kitchen. It really was. The sun was shining brightly and she knew it was warm. Not uncomfortably hot, as summer days can be, but just the right kind of warm. “Yeah, it is.”
“So. . .what do you say we head down to Chinatown to see what. . .delicacies. . .we can find to eat?” Haley made a face. “O.K. Then I’ll eat and you can watch. Did I tell you about the chicken feet I tried at Dim Sum once? They turned out to be really good.”
“Yes,” she answered, wincing slightly as an unwanted visual of chicken feet popped into her head. “And I will just take your word for it.”
“Chinatown is amazing,” her father said enthusiastically. “They have all these herbal shops with herbs and remedies that are literally thousands of years old.” He smiled at her. “What do you say? Maybe we’ll stumble on the fountain of youth or something in one of those shops.”
“Um. . .” She glanced outside and then back at her father’s happy face and a part of her really wanted to go. But her heart just wasn’t in it. “I, uh. . .actually have some work to do.”
“On a Sunday?”
“There’s this project at work and I had this idea and I wanted to get it down on paper to present to the Project Manager on Monday.”
Her father didn’t say anything as he finished his toast and she took refuge in the silence, sipping her coffee and trying not to let her mind wander there. To him. She had been mostly successful in the short time that she had been here. Mostly because she worked like crazy. At work, her mind was busy and didn’t wander. Didn’t remember. By the time she got home, she was so exhausted that sleep came easily. He still haunted her in her dreams, but when she awoke, at least she had work to look forward to. Work to once again occupy her time and thoughts.
The weekends were hard, but she found that if she stayed busy, helping her father with little tasks, or even doing extra work for her internship, those hours too started to go by fast. So far, it seemed to work. She only thought of him several times a day, every day, since she had come out here. It was much better than the constant, relentless thoughts of him that had plagued her back in Charlotte.
“Haley-Bop.”
She stiffened involuntarily. Her father didn’t call her that. That had been her mother’s nickname for her. “Dad?”
“I knew that would get your attention.”
“What?”
Her father pushed his plate away. “Haley Lynn James, I think it’s time you and I had a serious father-daughter talk.”
She sighed. “Dad. . .could we. . .not? At least not so early?”
“You’re an early bird Haley,” her father reminded her with a smile. “You love early morning talks. I seem to recall some instances where you used that to your advantage. Like the time you told me you and Peyton wanted to go to New York City for some concert by yourselves. Notice I said ‘told’ ‘cause you sprung that bit on me at some ungodly hour of the morning when my brain was still asleep.”
“Not so asleep that you didn’t nix the idea.”
“Fathers have a sixth sense. Our brains don’t need to be fully awake for it to parent.” Phillip gave his daughter a knowing look. “Especially where our little girls are concerned.”
“I’m not a little girl anymore. And not that much of an early bird either.”
“You will always be my little girl,” Phillip said tenderly. “And you are up at the crack of dawn each day. Banging around down here doing Lord knows what.”
“I’m cleaning up before I go to work,” she protested. “I mean have you seen the state of your cupboards? You had cans that expired back when Bush, Sr. was President!”
“Hey now, don’t remind me of those years. I’d prefer to-“ Phillip stopped abruptly as he narrowed his eyes. “Well aren’t you little Ms. Clever?”
“What?”
“Trying to distract me by going on all those tangents,” Phillip said with a chuckle.
“I wasn’t,” she countered but a part of her had been. She didn’t know what her father wanted to talk about but she really wasn’t in the mood. Funny how she wasn’t in the mood for a lot of things these days.
“Hmmm,” Phillip murmured. “We need to have this talk baby girl.”
She closed her eyes. Her father only called her ‘baby girl’ when things were serious. He called her that when he told her that her mother was leaving. And when they had to move to Raleigh. Or when he had said he would be right down to pick her up from that motel in Florida. “Dad. . . .”
Phillip shook his head firmly. “It’s got to be done. I just can’t do it any longer. Sitting here watching you day after day. . .trying to pretend that nothing’s wrong when something very clearly is.”
“I already told you. . .”
Phillip nodded. “Right. You and Nathan broke up.”
“It’s. . .I’ll be fine. I just need some time.”
“Just some time, huh?” Her father murmured, studying her. “Like time with Matthew helped?”
“Yes,” she answered quietly. “And it did right? So this talk. . .it’s not necessary.” She started to get up but her father reached out and grabbed her arm gently, holding her still. Noticing the look in his eyes, she slowly sank back down. “Dad. . .”
“I don’t think time’s gonna help this one, sweetheart.” Her father looked at her sadly. “See, with Matthew, you were more. . .pissed off. Sure you moped around some but mostly, you went out with all that anger fueling you on and got things back on track. And over time, the anger died out. That’s what got better. “ He looked into her eyes and she wanted to look away. But she couldn’t. “This time. . .it doesn’t seem like you’re mad. Not at Nathan. Not at yourself. You seem more like you’re nursing a broken heart.”
“I-“
“Sure, time will heal that. Time heals everything. . .to an extent.” He placed his hand on top of hers. “I just. . .don’t want you to have another scar in your heart. Those you carry around forever.” He sighed softly. “Like the scar I gave you.”
“What!” she cried. “Dad you didn’t-“
He nodded. “Yes, I did.”
“W-what are you talking about? You never broke my heart. You didn’t give me any scars. I do not have a scar in my heart from you! That’s. . .ridiculous!” Phillip didn’t say anything for long moments, just looking out the window. “Dad?”
“It isn’t easy you know?” He looked back at her and she was surprised to see the self-rebuke in his eyes. “To face up to your failings as a father.”
“Failings?” she repeated. “Daddy. . .you’re not a failure as a father. This. . .that’s insane.”
“Hey now, I didn’t say I was a failure,” he chided her. “I said, failings baby girl. There’s a difference.”
“You don’t have any of those as a father either,” she returned. “And this conversation’s-“
“Just getting underway,” he said sternly, in that ‘father’s voice’ that still worked on her. It probably always would. She sighed softly and leaned back into her chair. “When your mother left,” he began quietly and Haley instantly stiffened. She wasn’t in the mood to talk about her mother. She never was to be honest but even less so now. “I was. . .I was devastated.”
“I know,” she said softly.
He looked at her and smiled slightly. “I know you did. You’ve always been so selfless Haley. Even as a teenager, which I hear are the most selfish times in a person’s life. I know how much it must have hurt you to have your mother leave and yet. . .you worried about me too. Worried about how I’d handle things. Didn’t mind giving up your free time to help your sister out.” Phillip looked at her lovingly. “You made things easier. You and your sister. . .you were the balm for my soul back then.”
She smiled. “I’m glad.”
“But I took advantage of that.”
“No you didn’t,” she protested.
“How come you never asked me why your mother left?” he asked her gently, his eyes boring into hers and demanding an answer.
She shifted uncomfortably. “What difference does it make? She left didn’t she? That’s all I needed to know.”
Her father studied her silently for a few minutes. “You left Nathan didn’t you?”
“That’s-“
“Not different, honey. Not different at all.” He looked at her questioningly. “Why’d you leave?”
She looked out the window, as if the action would somehow nullify this conversation. To make it simply go away. She glanced back at her father and shook her head slightly. She couldn’t avoid it this time, however. She recognized the stubborn set of his jaw, and the look of determination in her eyes. She got the same way at times herself and she knew better than anyone that there was no budging either of them when they were set like that. “I. . .couldn’t stay.”
“Did you ever think it was the same for your mother?” Phillip asked gently.
“No,” she answered honestly.
Her father nodded. “And that’s. . .that’s my failing sweetheart.”
“No, it’s-”
“I was. . .hurt. Overwhelmed. And facing the collapse of my marriage.” He sighed. “I tried. . .and your mother did too. . .but it was hard to always put you and your sister first. Sometimes. . .our issues got the better of us.” He looked at her a beat. “We tried to keep our problems hidden from you. Sometimes I think we did too good a job of it.”
“I. . .suspected.”
“Being older now, I know you understand the intricacies of a relationship and it’s never just one person responsible for it unraveling. It takes two.” Phillip looked down. “I. . .had my role in it. I didn’t want to face it for a while.” He looked back up at her. “It was easier to play the victim. Easier to let your little girl blame the person you were mad at. Easier, but. . .not the best thing to do when you’re a parent.”
She shook her head. She may have been young but she hadn’t imagined her mother leaving the family for months. Hadn’t imagined her father’s struggles. “Dad, you’re. . .human. You’re allowed mistakes.”
“So is your mother.” Her father’s voice was kind, which took away some of the harshness of his words. “Yeah, she left, but. . .it wasn’t all her fault. And I shouldn’t have. . .let you place all the blame on her.”
She stood up abruptly. “She left! She should get the blame!”
“Now sweeth-“
“It’s true!” she cried. “Maybe things were bad. Maybe things couldn’t be saved. She didn’t have to leave, but she did!”
Her father’s eyes studied her carefully for several moments. “She didn’t leave you or your sister, Haley.”
“She didn’t take us with her did she?” she threw back.
Her father looked at her with a pained _expression. “She couldn’t.” He made a gesture for her to come back and sit, but she folder her arms across her chest and remained stubbornly standing. “Your mother didn’t want to leave you. She didn’t leave you. She just. . .she couldn’t take you with her when she had no place to go. She wanted to get settled first and we both thought that us splitting up was traumatic enough for you and your sister without uprooting you. . .and in the middle of the school year too.”
“We were uprooted anyway.” The minute the words came out of her mouth, she regretted them. “Daddy, I didn’t mean-“
Phillip held up a hand. “No. . .that’s fair.”
“No, it’s not,” she countered. “Look, Dad, I. . . .I don’t know why you’re telling me this about Mom. I mean, O.K., maybe she didn’t leave me and Quinn but she didn’t exactly try hard to be a part of our lives again when she finally got settled or whatever.”
Her father sighed. “You have to admit that you weren’t exactly receptive to that, Haley.” She looked away, not bothering to answer. “And I. . . .I played a part in that too. I should have. . .done more when your mother came back to make things. . .easier between the two of you.” He shook his head. “But your mother. . .she didn’t want to push you. She knew you’d resent it. . .and you would have wouldn’t you?” Again, she didn’t respond. “Besides, when you’re upset, you tend to withdraw so we wanted to give you your space. . .let you process things your own way.”
“Over time, I guess I convinced myself that you had processed things,” her father continued. “It allowed me to pretend that I hadn’t failed in that respect as your father. Pretend that everything was fine. That what happened between your mother and me didn’t cause any permanent damage with you girls.” Her father looked at her sadly. “But that’s not true is it? I think Quinn made it through relatively fine ‘cause she was older and she and your mother always had the easier relationship.” Phillip smiled at her. “You were always a Daddy’s girl though weren’t you? Which means if you want to blame someone for things. . .it should be me.”
“I don’t blame you,” she said quietly.
“Then you shouldn’t blame your mother either, sweetheart.”
She waved her hand in agitation. “That’s. . .it’s. . . .over and done with. Why are we even discussing this? It doesn’t change anything.”
“Oh, now, don’t say that baby girl. That would mean that it’s too late. And I couldn’t bear the thought that I did this too late.”
“Did what?“
“Ever since your mother left, you’ve. . .closed yourself off a little. At first I thought that was just you.” He smiled. “You’ve never been the most extroverted person but. . .what I thought was just you being you. . .was really you reacting to the hurt.”
“I’m not reacting to any hurt!” she denied. “And before you bring up Nathan. . .I already told you I don’t want to talk about him.”
Her father didn’t seem at all perturbed by her outburst. “Why did you tell your sister and me to not come to Charlotte for your graduation?”
“I told you. I wasn’t going to the ceremony so there was no point.”
“Or maybe you just didn’t want us to meet Nathan?” Her father looked at her curiously. “You know, never once when you talked about him did you mention bringing him out here to meet me. . .or having me come to meet him?”
“I. . . .” She shook her head. She hadn’t realized it until just then that her father was right. She really never had planned on having Nathan meet her family. But that didn’t mean anything, did it? Besides, it was for the best considering how things had turned out.
“Maybe you were already preparing for what you thought would be the inevitable end?” He leaned forward, his eyes boring into hers intently. “After what happened between your mother and myself. . .and then that idiot Matthew. . . .I can’t exactly blame you for holding a part of yourself back. . .for thinking things will end badly, but I. . . .” He shook his head. “I’m hoping this. . .talk. . . .helps you to see some things honey. And I’m hoping it’s not too late for that to mean something.”
“That’s. . . .I don’t know where all of this is coming from Dad but it. . .has nothing to do with. . .anything.” She looked away uncomfortably.
“Maybe so,” her father said softly. “But just let me do what us fathers do. . .give unwanted advice to our daughters on things they don’t want us to even think about.”
“I don’t-”
“Don’t let what happened between your mother and I. . .what happened in the past. . .don’t let that stop you from living your life now.” Her father smiled gently at her. “And don’t worry about the future so much either. That’s the thing about life. Just when you think maybe you have it figured out. . .that all your ducks are lined up in a nice, neat row and things are going perfectly according to plan. . . that’s when it hits you with a curveball.”
“I’ve had my share of curveballs,” her father said with a wry smile. “Struck out on a few of ‘em too. But experience counts for something so trust me when I say that all you can do in this life is to try. . .with everything that you have. Especially if it’s for something worth it.” He got up and moved over to where she was standing. He grasped her shoulders, firmly but gently. “Remember when I took you to the batting cages for the first time?” She nodded. “Remember what I said?”
“’Swing as hard as you can,’” she recited.
Her father smiled proudly. “Each time. . .you swing as hard as you can. Don’t worry about the next ball that’s coming. . .don’t worry about how you did with the last ball. . .each time you’re up. . .you swing as hard as you can.” He looked at her.. “That’s what you should do in life too. Don’t let the past or future stop you from swinging as hard as you can. You’d never have a shot at that homerun otherwise.”
“Daddy. . . .”
“Now I don’t know what happened with you and Nathan but from what you’ve told me about him. . .he sounds like someone I would have liked to have met.” He met her eyes and held them. “I hope that’s still possible.” He sighed. “And now, in the spirit of living in the moment, I’m going to get dressed and head to Chinatown. You sure you don’t want to join me?”
“I. . . .maybe another time, O.K.?”
He nodded and then leaned over to kiss her cheek softly. “Think about what I said?” She sighed softly and nodded. Her father smiled and then tapped her nose affectionately with his index finger. “Swing as hard as you can sweetheart.”
~*~
“Nathan.”
He stopped dribbling the ball and turned to face Lucas who was still walking towards him, his face apprehensive. “Hey, man. Thanks for coming over.”
Lucas stopped a few feet away from him and shrugged. “What’s up?”
He bounced the ball over to Lucas who handily caught it. “Remember how we used to play 3 questions?”
His brother’s eyes narrowed with confusion but he nodded. “Was that your first question?”
“Was that yours?” he countered with a smile.
Lucas bounced the ball back at him. “No. So what’s your first?”
He spun the ball between his hands before he bounced it back at Lucas. “Were you serious about helping me out with whatever I decided about basketball?”
“Of course.” Lucas looked at him a beat. “Does that mean you decided?”
He held his hands out for the ball, which Lucas passed to him with a wry smile. “Yeah. What about helping me out with something that doesn’t have to do with basketball at all?”
He bounced the ball over to Lucas who caught it. Lucas held onto the ball and looked at him in confusion. “You’re not going to tell me what you decided?”
He shook his head. “Uh-uh. That’s not how it works dude. I ask, you answer. You ask, I answer.”
Lucas sighed impatiently. “Of course I’d help you. You’re my brother. So are you going to tell me what you decided or not?” Lucas passed him the ball back to him with a little more force than necessary but he didn’t mind.
“Yeah. . .but not right now.” Lucas gave him his patented ‘what the fuck’ look and he chuckled softly. “I can’t, man. I gotta do something first. Which brings me to my third and final question.” He bounced the ball to his brother. “Where’s Haley?”
CONCLUSION – Here And Now
He had to admit, Lucas covered well. The ball almost slipped from his brother’s fingers but Lucas managed to recover and gripped the ball tightly between his hands. After a beat, Lucas gave him a calculatingly innocent look. “What do you mean ‘where’s Haley?’”
He smiled. “That’s not how it works. I ask, you answer. . . .remember?”
“Fine,” said Lucas, his voice deliberately nonchalant. “I don’t know.”
He shook his head reprovingly. “You have to answer truthfully or it doesn’t count.”
“What makes you think I know where she is?”
He looked at Lucas questioningly. “Is that your third question?” He clapped his hands together, indicating he wanted the ball back. Lucas sighed and tossed it over to him. “You know what? I’ll give you that question for free.” He bounced the ball a few times. “Let’s see. Haley’s been gone for what? More than two weeks and you haven’t said a word? You haven’t so much as brooded a little.” He shook his head. “If she had left without telling you where she was, you’d have taken it a lot worse man. You’d have taken it out on me. God knows you’d love a reason. . .any reason. . .to rip me a new one, right?” Lucas merely squinted at him. “I mean when you guys reconnected a year ago, that’s all I heard from you for months on end. Haley this and Haley that. How great it was that she was back in your life. So she leaves and you don’t say a word? Act like nothing at all happened?” He gave his brother a knowing look. “You know where she is.”
He could see Lucas was trying to figure out what to say. Finally, his brother sighed. “Fine. I do know, but I. . .can’t tell you.” Lucas shook his head. “Actually I won’t tell you. Haley left for a reason, O.K.? No matter what she said. And the reason she left was you! So the last thing I’m going to do is tell you where she is so you can what? Drive her off somewhere else?”
“I’m not going to drive her off anywhere.”
Lucas looked at him through narrowed eyes. “I don’t get you, man. The past few weeks, she was right here! Literally. And you couldn’t be bothered to talk to her. . .to work things out when you had a chance. And now. . .now, when she’s in-“ Lucas caught himself. “When she’s. . .away. . .now you want to know where she is?”
He understood where Lucas was coming from. That didn’t mean that his brother wasn’t starting to annoy him a little. More than a little actually. “Can you lecture me another time? Just tell me where she is.”
“No,” Lucas returned stubbornly. “Why should I? You. . .look. . .I thought you and Haley were. . .” He sighed. “I really thought you guys had something special but I saw her before she left, O.K.? And she. . .I don’t want her getting hurt again.”
“I’m not going to hurt her again, Luke.”
“Why do you suddenly need to know where she is? You didn’t care a week ago.”
“’Cause things are different now,” he replied. He looked at his brother somberly. “And I’ve always cared.” Lucas studied him, as if trying to gauge his sincerity. He could see the struggle between Lucas’ opposing loyalties play across his face. “Come on, Luke. It’s different now. I just. . .I need to talk to her.”
“Different how?” Lucas looked at him doubtfully. “Doesn’t seem like anything’s different. You’re still not going to practice. Still refusing to talk to me or anyone else. And then you call me up out of the blue to ask me where Haley is? I don’t see anything different. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing.”
He sighed. He knew he’d have to give Lucas something. “Remember what you asked me? Why I wanted to make a comeback?”
Lucas nodded. “So you going to tell me what you decided?”
“No.” He smiled. “But I’ll answer that question.” He looked down at the ball in his hands for a beat and then back up, straight into his brother’s eyes. “I wanted to do things right. At least that’s what I tried to do.” He shrugged. “Kind of messed up on that. Again.”
Lucas nodded in understanding. “Nothing you can’t fix.”
“Yeah,” he said softly. “You still gonna to help me?”
“Of course,” Lucas replied without hesitation.
“Well, telling me where Haley is would help me.” Lucas gave him a look, as if to say ‘low blow’ but he shrugged it off. “Look, I’ll explain it all. I promise. But later. Right now, I really need to talk to Haley and I can’t do that unless you tell me where she is. I know you’re worried about her and all, but you don’t have to be.” He looked at his brother and decided to deliver the killing blow. “Come on, man. I need some help here and you’re my brother. If you won’t help me, who will?”
~*~
Nothing but silence greeted Haley as she walked into her father’s small, but comfortable house. Silence was expected, however, since her father had gone on a camping trip with a few friends for the rest of the week. She sighed tiredly, dropping her bag by the coat stand before she made her way into the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, she stared disinterestedly at its contents. She was tired, not hungry. Closing the refrigerator, she decided that a nice, long bath might just be the thing on this hot summer day. After her bath, she’d worry about dinner and everything else.
She headed out of the kitchen slowly. While she welcomed the time alone, she didn’t welcome what it inevitably brought. Quiet. Quiet, which tended to lead to introspection, which led to things that she didn’t want to deal with. Because they’re true, said that little voice in her head. She shook her head, as if the action would silence that voice. But that voice was getting harder to quiet since that talk with her father a few days ago.
Things had been slightly awkward between them since then. While she appreciated her father’s honesty, she couldn’t say the same for the thoughts and feelings that had resulted from that honesty. Feelings and thoughts that left her upset. . .and angry. She didn’t like feeling this way. She didn’t know what to do with these feelings. . .these thoughts. The truth was hard and the things that she was starting to realize lately were beyond hard. And she didn’t want to face those things just yet.
She sighed tiredly as she trudged towards the stairs. True or not. . .whether she needed to face those things or not. . .that could be done. . .later. Right now, she needed a bath. And that was all she was going to think about. She was just passing through the living room when the peal of the doorbell caused her to stop abruptly. Out of habit, she glanced out the living room window and actually felt herself jerk back in shock when she saw who was standing there.
~*~
Nathan pressed the doorbell again and held it for a beat longer this time. He could hear it vibrating throughout the small house, so he knew it worked. He glanced at the number over the mailbox and knew that he had the correct house. He had memorized Haley’s father’s address from the moment that Lucas had very reluctantly given it to him.
After he had cleared up his schedule, he had taken the first flight out to San Francisco. He hadn’t been shocked at learning her whereabouts. He knew her father lived out here so it seemed a logical place. So he wasn’t exactly shocked. And there had been so many emotions running through him just at the thought of seeing her again, that he couldn’t exactly pinpoint just one. But then, on the long plane ride to San Francisco, one emotion pushed its way to the forefront.
Doubt.
There had been no doubts when he had been hurriedly throwing his clothes into an overnight bag. None when he had rushed to the airport. He had been convinced that once he explained things, she would understand. That things would be. . .better somehow. But as the plane had gotten closer and closer to San Francisco, he could see more and more flaws in his ‘brilliant’ plan.
It had been weeks since he had seen her. Since she had walked out. . .since he had made her walk out of their. . .his house. So much time, and now so much distance separated them. She had put 3000 miles between them. So the doubts had grown louder and louder. He doubted whether she’d even see him. Doubted that a ‘simple’ explanation would be all it would take. Doubted that things could be fixed.
He shook his head and pressed the doorbell again. Whether he could fix things or not, he still needed to talk to her. And he wanted so much to just see her. So, whatever might happen, he was going to talk to her. Tonight. He’d stay out here all night if that’s what it took.
~*~
Haley listened to the doorbell peal yet again and still, she remained where she was. She wondered if she literally had grown roots through her feet into the floorboards of the house, because she didn’t seem able to move. She continued to look at Nathan’s fidgety figure, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet as he rang the bell. She still couldn’t believe that she was seeing him. Here. Now.
The doorbell pealed again and she sighed. He was determined. She could tell just from looking at him, so pretending she wasn’t here wasn’t going to deter him. She knew she should answer the door. Knowing it, however, was quite different from actually doing it. Right now, it seemed like her body was perfectly fine to just stand there, peering at him through the window.
So many questions were racing through her head in that moment. How? Why? What? When? Who? She knew that Peyton, after their very loud ‘discussion’ after her friend’s confession about going to see Nathan, had not given her whereabouts away, so that only left Lucas. But that was about the only thing she had figured out since Nathan had first rung the bell. Everything else was just a confused, jumbled mess. And the swarm of emotions that she was feeling was making her feel completely off balance.
And she hated that feeling. It seemed like that was all she felt these days. And she didn’t want to deal with that then. Introspective self-analysis. . .her messed-up relationship with Nathan. . .eveyrthing. . .she wanted to deal with all of that. . .later. Much later, or perhaps never. There were things there that she just didn’t want to deal with right now. She didn’t want to talk, much less think, about those things.
Too bad, that little voice in her head asked mockingly. The doorbell pealed again and she winced at the sound. Drawing in a deep breath, she forced herself to move towards the door. The short trek from living room to front door seemed to take much longer than necessary, but finally, she was standing at the door, hand poised to open it. But before she reached the door, she stopped again and counted to 10.
As slowly as she could.
~*~
He was just about to hit the doorbell again when the door suddenly swung open and he found himself looking into those familiar brown eyes. And his prepared speech. . .a coherent sentence. . .a word even. . . .suddenly flew out of his mind. To his hungry eyes, it felt like years, not weeks, since he had seen her. He literally drank in the sight of her.
He guessed that she had just come back from work, because she was still wearing her work clothes. . .a pale blue skirt with a crisp white shirt. Her hair was tied back in a low ponytail and her face bore only the barest trace of make-up. She looked. . .beautiful. More beautiful than he had remembered. She also looked really tired. But she met his eyes with a steady, calm gaze. No hints of surprise that he was there. In fact, there was no visible reaction from her at all.
“Um. . .” he began, still trying to form words in his head.
“What are you doing here?” she demanded quietly.
Her face was still calmly impassive but her eyes. . .those incredibly expressive eyes of hers. . .they were now flashing a range of emotions. None that he could quite get a read on though. “I-I. . . .uh. . . I wanted to. . .talk to you.”To his utter surprise, she burst out laughing, but the sound was odd. There was a certain. . .hysteria behind it. She continued to laugh for long moments. . .long enough so that he grew concerned. “Haley?”
To his utter surprise, she burst out laughing, but the sound was odd. There was a certain. . .hysteria behind it. She continued to laugh for long moments. . .long enough so that he grew concerned. “Haley?”The laughter abruptly died as she turned on him. . . her expression cold. “Talk? Now you want to talk?”
Those doubts came back full force at her words and he hesitated. “I. . .”
“Well?” she challenged.
“Can I. . .come in?”
From the look that flashed across her face, he thought that she would slam the door in his face. He wouldn’t have blamed her of course. But she surprised him by taking a step back and opening the door wider. He smiled slightly at her silent invitation and stepped pass her into the small foyer. He looked around briefly at the small, comfortably decorated house before he turned back to Haley. He found her standing by the door, watching him with that unreadable expression.
“Haley-“
She held up a hand to stop him. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why?” he repeated, confused.
Her eyes flashed. “Yes, why? Why are you here? Why now? You want to talk? What could we possibly have to talk about now?”
“Haley, I just-“
She blew out a loud breath. “No! I don’t want to do this. I’m tired. O.K.? And it’s not enough that you’ve been. . .” She stopped and threw up her hands. “I just want to take a bath. I’m tired of people talking to me! Peyton, my father, you! What next? Mr. Patterson next door is going to come and tell me I have issues? O.K. Fine! I have issues! But my issues and I need to take a bath right now so could you just. . .” She made a vague gesture towards the door.
He stood there and silently stared at Haley as his heart constricted painfully. He knew it would be hard to see her again. He had thought that he had been prepared for it, but he hadn’t. Not at all. It had always been hard for him to see her hurt or in pain. He hated that. It was worse when he was the cause of it. He took a step towards her and she recoiled against the door. “Haley. . .”
She shook her head. “You. . . .are unbelievable.”
“I’m-“
“It’s been weeks. . . .weeks!. . . .since I. . . .” She glared at him. “You think you can just show up here, after all this time, and it’d be that easy? That I’d just want to talk? Or better yet that I’d listen to anything you have to say?” She pushed herself off the door and took a step towards him and now it was his turn to recoil. He could literally feel the anger emanating from her. “You had plenty of time to talk to me. . .weeks ago! If I recall correctly. . .and I damn well do. . .I begged you to talk to me and you wouldn’t do it then! Oh no! Back then you had too many what? Issues?!” She scoffed. “That is a total, freakin’ understatement! I may have issues but you. . .your issues not only have issues. . .they have grand-issues! Hell there is a whole line of descendants to your issues!”
“And you know what? I’m sick of it! And-and. . . .I’m. . . .” She stopped and her mouth hung open slightly as she searched for the words. “I’m. . . .mad! No, screw that. I’m pissed off! Completely and utterly pissed off.” She took a few more steps towards him and instinctively he backed up a little. “You have some nerve you know that? What makes you think after what happened that you showing up here wanting to talk would change anything? Or that I’d even want to talk to you?” Her eyes bore into him. “Didn’t ever occur to you that I left for a reason?”
“This whole thing is so god damn ridiculous too!” Haley wasn’t screaming, but her voice had risen considerably. To him, it sounded like her words were reverberating off the walls. “You know, Peyton told me before I came here something that I didn’t really want to believe and you know what? She’s right. . .but she’s wrong too. She said I didn’t fight. That I ran away and that it was the easiest route. Well she’s right about me not fighting but it’s not the easiest route at all.” She pinned him with a hard look. “Do you know what the last few weeks have been like?! Because there was nothing easy about it! And to see you now. . .” She shook her head. “You want to talk? You think whatever you say is going to change how the last few weeks have been for me? For us?”
“I don’t want to do this! I can’t do this! And you don’t have the right! Not after you just-“ She stopped abruptly and looked at him challengingly as she folded her arms across her chest. “You want to talk? Fine! Let’s hear it!”
He looked at her helplessly. When she worded it like that, what could he possibly say? And yet, there was a part of him that wanted to just start telling her. . .anything. . .everything. “I. . .”
“That’s it?!” she demanded. “Great. I guess it makes things all better now!”
A tension-filled silence descended between them as Haley continued to glare at him while he tried with all his might to think of something to say. His rehearsed speech was completely useless now and on top of that, all those doubts that he had had on the way here, had now been magnified million-fold. Hell, Haley had all but confirmed those doubts for him.
Was there anything that he could say to change things? He didn’t think so in that moment but he still wanted to try. Needed to try.
It wasn’t his practiced-thought-out speech. It wasn’t even some eloquent, smooth line that he usually had no trouble spouting. It was just the honest, sincere truth. That was all he had just then. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes blazed. “You’re sorry?!” She scoffed loudly. “Well I am too! You know what that makes us? Two really sorry people!” She shot him a withering look. “A perfect match aren’t we?!” She shook her head before she walked over to the stairs off to the side of the foyer and sank down on the bottom step.
~*~
Haley stared at the small rug lying in the center of the foyer as she tried to get a handle on all the emotions swirling through her. As quickly as the anger had come, it had died out even faster. It was as if she were a windup doll that had expended all its energy and had just stopped suddenly.
She had no idea where that anger came from. It had just hit her and she had no way of controlling it. She wasn’t sure that she could have. She had never felt anger like that before. . . .the intensity of it literally left her shaking. It had felt so. . .out of control and she hated feeling that way. And yet. . .it had felt. . .good in a way too. As if she had finally been able to unleash weeks worth of pent-up frustration and anger. She had always tried so hard to stay in control. . .to think things through before she acted so being able to just let go. . .to act before she thought. . .to let her feelings control her actions had been. . .liberating. If only briefly.
But now, she was once again back in control of everything and she didn’t know what to do with any of it. Nathan’s presence. . .her fiery outburst. . .the way things were now. She quickly glanced up to find Nathan in the exact same spot. He hadn’t moved at all. She didn’t dare chance a look at his face or into those vivid blue eyes of his. So she looked back down at the worn rug in her father’s foyer and let the silence stretch between them.
She didn’t know how long they stayed like that until she saw Nathan take a few steps towards her. She tensed at his movements but stayed where she was. She watched him tentatively inch closer to her before he slowly settled himself onto the step next to her, keeping a certain distance between them.
“I always thought we were,” he said softly. She glanced at him quickly. He smiled slightly. “Perfectly matched.”
His words brought a new swell of emotions up in her. But anger wasn’t one of those emotions. She had thought that too. And she couldn’t help that spark of hope from igniting within her.
In the next instant, she ruthlessly quashed it. Look at where they were now. Look at how things had deteriorated. There was no room for feelings like hope. “Maybe. In the past.”
To her confusion, his lips curved into a smile. “The past has always dodged us, hasn’t it? Yours, mine. . .mostly mine.” He shrugged. “So if you think our relationship’s in the past. . .I guess I could be O.K. with that. I’ve lived in the past for a while now. . .I can keep doing it if that’s where you think we are.” He suddenly grew serious. “I’d rather not though.”
“Nathan. . . .”
“Could you just hear me out?” he asked quietly. “I mean just hear me out and if you want to scream at me after that or just kick me out then I’m cool with it. Either or both. But just hear me out first? Please?”
She couldn’t ignore the pleading look in those eyes that she still loved so much. She sighed. “O.K.”
He nodded and then chuckled wryly. “You know I had this whole speech planned and everything and it’s. . .” He shook his head. “I am sorry, Hales.” She continued staring at that familiar rug, not daring to look at him. Just from the tone of his voice and she knew the emotions would be so clearly displayed on his face and she wasn’t ready for that. “I. . .fucked up didn’t I?”
Yes, you did she wanted to say but she knew it wasn’t just his fault. She had a hand in it as well. Perhaps that was why she had gotten so angry. It was anger at herself. She knew Peyton had been right. And so had her father. But that hadn’t been easy to accept. Nor had she wanted to accept it. Believing that she was right. . .that her actions had in no way contributed to the demise of their relationship was so much easier. And now that he was here, ready to solely shoulder the blame, she just couldn’t do it.
“We both did,” she said softly.
He looked at her in surprise. “We did?”
She looked at him then. “Does it matter? There isn’t a ‘we’ anymore.”
“There could be.”
Almost against her will, she found herself looking into his eyes. Those eyes that had the ability to change colors to mirror his emotions. Eyes that had always been able to just suck her right in. Just like they were doing now. She could feel herself getting lost in them. . .in him. It was so easy.
And she missed him so very much. He was right there and those blue eyes of his were so open. . . .almost beseeching her to let go. To give in to the things that she was feeling. How easy it would be to just reach out and touch him. How long had it been since she had touched him? How long had it been since he was this close to her? How long had she wanted to feel him close to her? Despite the time and distance between them, she could recall, all too well, just what it felt like to be close to him. How good it felt to touch him. . .to be touched by him. And just the thought of that made her whole body begin to tingle.
She stood up abruptly. “Um. ..” She cleared her throat. Nathan stayed where he was, looking at her with a mixture of concern and confusion. “I, uh. . . .”
“I wasn’t driving,” he said abruptly.
“W-what?”
“I know I wasn’t driving the night of the accident.” He looked at her, clearly awaiting a response but she had none. “But I. . .still feel responsible for Tim’s death.”
“Nathan. . .”
He stood up and she backed away slightly. “I’m, uh, I’m not saying that to bring it all up or anything. I just. . .I want take responsibility for my actions. But just my actions. And leave everything else where it belongs.”
“What does that mean?”
“Just that, I, uh, have to start dealing with things the right way.” He smiled slightly. “Funny how it’s taken me almost 26 years to figure out what the right way is.”
It was then that she noticed it. There was something different about him. She had been too shocked. . .and then too angry. . .and then too overwhelmed to notice it at first. But now that she was actually looking at him, without all her emotions clouding things, now she could clearly see that something had changed in him.
He had lost that haunted look. It wasn’t there in his eyes anymore and it didn’t seem to surround him like it had when things had first started to unravel. Nathan had always had that. . .sadness about him, but she could honestly say that in that moment, she couldn’t see it. There was a. . .calmness about him that was a little unsettling for her. She looked at him questioningly. “I. . .don’t. . . .you just suddenly decided that you’re not going to feel guilty about Tim. . .about the past anymore? Just like that?”
He smiled at the disbelief in her voice. “Not just like that. I had some help. I still do.” He shrugged. “It only costs me 250 dollars an hour.”
She actually gasped in surprise. “Y-you’re. .”
“Seeing a shrink,” he confirmed.
“But you. . .don’t believe in. . .that.”
“Yeah, ‘cause I had everything figured out on my own right?” She couldn’t help smiling a little. “I. . .” He sighed. “You know Lucas asked me not too long ago why I had wanted to make a comeback. And I. . . .didn’t know how to answer him. It was only after I found out that you had left that I really started to look at things. And I mean I had lots of reasons for wanting to make this comeback. . .but mostly, I thought it was my chance to make things right, you know? Do it right this time.”
He looked at her thoughtfully. “I, uh, thought I had it for a while there. You know the comeback and everything was going great. Then I met you and. . . .everything was better than right. It was perfect.”
She looked away, unable to bear not only the emotions she saw in his eyes, but the ones she was feeling. It had been perfect. They had argued like most couples and had their issues with each other and their problems, but it had also been perfect. Being with him had simply been perfection for her. But hearing him confirm that he had felt the same way didn’t make her feel any better just then. It only made her sadder at how they had let things unravel so quickly.
“But then. . .the past. . . .” He sighed heavily and sat back down on the steps. “I thought I could just you know. . .push those things aside and that was that.” He looked up at her and smiled wryly. “You’re right. I do have issues. . .a whole line of issues.”
“Nathan, I shouldn’t have said. . .I was just mad.”
“But you were right too. My issues even have names. Royal. . .Dan. . .” He shook.his head. “That’s how I was raised. . .how we dealt with things. We just. . .kind of push it aside. . .pretend that we dealt with it. Only it ends up being passed down. You know my grandpa has always had this crazy fascination with basketball and he pushed my Dad and then my Dad pushed me and-“ He stopped abruptly. “I never thought I’d say this but. . .my Dad was actually the one who got me to go to see a shrink in the first place.” He chuckled. “Actually that’s pretty damn fitting now that I think about it.”
“You’re in therapy because of your Dad?”
“Doesn’t that sound like something every screwed-up, indulged yuppie would say?” He made a face. “But yeah. . .it’s true. My Dad showed up last week out of ‘concern’ ‘cause I’ve been missing practice and well, we had our usual shouting match. Only this time. . .this time I finally saw it.”
“Saw what?”
“I was becoming him,” he said softly. “You know my Dad has lived his whole life wanting to change the past. Everything he’s done has been because of that. The people he’s driven away. The people he’s hurt. All because he couldn’t let go of the past. He’s been obsessed with my future since I can remember and it’s all because of the past. And his present relationships. . .they’re all screwed up because of the past too.” He looked at her somberly. “And I was doing the same thing.”
“And that scared the hell out of me, Haley. I don’t want to be like my Dad 15 years from now. I don’t want to be so. . .bitter about things. I don’t want to use the past as an excuse for all the horrible things I’ve done. I don’t want to end up in a loveless marriage with someone or to have my kids hate me or worse, just put up with me ‘cause I’m their father and they feel this. . .obligation to tolerate me.” He shook his head. “It’s a miserable life. I grew up in that life. I tried to run away from that life. Funny how I’ve been driving myself straight at that life without even knowing it.”
His eyes met hers and held. “The only thing is. . .it’d be worse for me. I wouldn’t be regretting losing basetball. . .or even all the things I did that contributed to Tim’s death. I’d regret losing you.” Her breath caught in her throat but she couldn’t look away from him. “And I think that would be worse. ‘Cause I’d probably end up with someone and treat them worse than my Dad treats my Mom or Karen even. Just because she isn’t you.” He looked down briefly before looking back up. “I’d hate myself for that.”
It seemed like that lump in her throat had become permanently lodged in there and she couldn’t speak. The person standing in front of her was the person she had fallen in love with. It wasn’t Nathan’s good looks or success or fortune that had made her fall for him. What had initially drawn her to him, since that day in Lucas’ backyard, was his that oft-hidden vulnerability. That part of himself that she knew he only showed to a few people. It was that part of him that she had grown to love. . .that she still did.
It was also why she had left. Because slowly but surely, he had started to shut that part of himself off from her. He had started to shut her off from his life. But now, here he was again. Completely open this time. It should have been so easy for her to just fall. Just to let go. But something still held her back so it wasn’t easy. In fact, it seemed like the more open and vulnerable Nathan was now, the harder it was for her.
~*~
Nathan saw the struggle in her eyes and once again, felt the doubts begin to well up inside of him. Resolutely, he pushed them back down. When Haley had first started. . . .going off on him was the best way to put it. . . .he had been shocked, and just a little unnerved. He had never seen her that angry before. . .not even after his boneheaded comments after the first time they had made love had she been that angry at him. So he hadn’t been entirely sure that she wasn’t going to hit him.
But after the shock had worn off, something odd had happened. Up until that point, all he could hear in his head were the doubts, which seemed to grow louder and louder the longer he was there. Her lack of response to him. . . .her hostility. . . .it all just made him seriously wonder if he hadn’t completely messed things up between them. To the point where things just couldn’t be fixed.
But then her outburst had happened and the doubts began to quiet and that sliver of hope had started to grow. He had grown up witnessing his parents’ arguments and over the years, as their disdain for each other had grown, their arguments had grown more and more lifeless. These days, they didn’t bother to argue anymore. And if they did, it was bizarrely. . .polite. He hadn’t realized it when he was young but those passionate arguments between his parents had been the high point of their relationship. At least then, they had still cared enough to argue and fight so passionately. Now, they had simply grown indifferent to each other.
So as weird as it was, Haley’s anger had given him hope. She couldn’t be that angry at him and not care. All that raw, unchecked anger couldn’t have come from indifference. She still had to care. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have been so mad. And suddenly, it hadn’t been so hard to tell her what he had wanted to. It hadn’t been his rehearsed speech but it had been better. It had been like before. When he could just tell her whatever he was feeling or thinking. Before the past got in the way, being open with her had always been so easy. . .so effortless.
But seeing the uncertainty in her eyes now, he knew he needed to do more. “What do you say, Hales? Give me another chance?”
Doubt flashed in her eyes. “We. . .can’t. . . .just start over.”
“I don’t want us to,” he replied, trying to meet her eyes. “I want us to start from here. From now. I’ve wasted so much time already trying to fix the past and it can’t be done so I don’t want us to start over. . .trying to change what happened between us. And I don’t know what the future holds so I guess. . .whatever comes, I. . .hopefully we. . .will deal with it then. All we have is the present. Right here, right now. So we can start there.”
“I. . . .”
He got up and took a few steps towards her. She didn’t move back but she still wasn’t meeting his eyes. Again, he felt the doubts, but ignored them. “I know I hurt you, Hales. And I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell you how sorry I am for that. And I wish I could change it, but I can’t. But I can tell you this. . if you just take another chance with me, I promise I will do everything in my power to see that you’re never hurt again.”
She looked at him then and he saw desire and hope flicker in her eyes. But the doubts were still there too. “I know you’re scared, Hales. I mean the last time you took a chance on me things didn’t exactly work out well did it? And a part of me doesn’t think I should ask you for this either but. . . .I’m selfish. I just. . . .I know you’re the best thing to happen to me. . .ever and you know, all my recent stupid actions aside, I’d like to think I’m smart enough to know that when something great happens to you. . . .you try and hang onto it. . .no matter what.”
“I’m just. . .asking for a chance.” He smiled slightly. “Actually, I’m asking for yet another chance. You know my Dad said that a lot of people would love the second chances I’ve gotten. He was talking about basketball but he’s right. Not many people get second chances. And I’ve gotten more than my share. But none of that matters.” He sought her eyes. “I still have that shot at basketball. . .thanks to Luke mostly. And I want that chance now. . .to really do things right this time. But I’d give that up. . .I’d give it all up. . .if I could just get that second chance with you. You’re what matters most to me, Hales.” He held out his hand. “What do you say?”
Nathan was right. She was scared. Terrified.
But God. . .she wanted this. . .second chance too. So very much.
But right then and there, both of those things were locked in an epic struggle and she was at a stalemate. She just didn’t know what to do. How often had she dreamed about what was right in front of her? Nathan being so open and honest and wanting what she wanted. He wasn’t weighed down by his past. This was straight from dreams that used to plague her but had also given her a measure of respite. Thoughts of how happy they were. . .how happy they could be told her to just take this chance. Don’t think. . .just do.
But the memories of the hurt and misery of the past months were still fresh in her mind. And those memories told her to hold back. Holding back would protect her. Holding back would prevent her from getting hurt yet once again. What if things went wrong again? What if he didn’t really mean it about dealing with his past? What if he couldn’t? What if she couldn’t? What if? What if?
Why don’t you fight Haley?
Swing as hard as you can, sweetheart.
And suddenly, she wasn’t so conflicted anymore. Suddenly, she knew. All those moments with Nathan. . .when she told him she loved him. . .when he told her the same. . .when they had decided to live together. . .when they were simply just being together. . .those were the moments where she didn’t worry about his past. . .their future. Where she let her feelings guide her. Let herself get lost fully in the moment. There might have been fear. . .uncertainty. . .during those moments, but once she had decided to let go. . .there had been nothing but happiness.
Slowly, she reached out for his hand. Nathan’s eyes lit up and the minute there was physical contact between them, he grabbed her hand and gently but firmly pulled her towards him. And the next thing she knew, she was wrapped up in those strong arms of his again.
She had forgotten what it was like to be held by him. How she seemed to just fit into him. It seemed so. . corny to her to think it at times but that’s what it always felt like to her. They fitted. She had missed this. Missed him. And now that she was suddenly back in his arms again, she wanted. . .needed. . . .more.
As if he read her mind, he pulled back and looked down at her for a beat before he bent his head and pressed his lips against hers. He hesitated at first, but when she offered no resistance, he pressed his lips against hers more firmly, deepening the kiss. If she had missed being held by him, then there was no describing how much she missed kissing him. How much she missed the physical intimacy they had shared.
She let herself fall into the kiss utterly. Actually, she didn’t fall. . .she melted into the kiss. With a soft sigh, she let her body relax against his, as she kissed him back, insistently and passionately. But even that didn’t seem to be enough. She pressed forward more and felt him take a few steps back to counterbalance her movements. His arms came around her waist, pulling and lifting her up against him at the same time. Her own arms twined around his neck as her hands entangled themselves into his hair.
She had really missed this. Missed how he felt. How he smelled. How he tasted. Missed those delicious shivers that danced up and down her spine as their tongues stroked each other. Missed the hot, intense heat the ignited somewhere deep inside her and then spread slowly throughout her entire body.
She heard him groan softly and take another step back. Abruptly, their lips separated and she suddenly felt herself falling as Nathan stumbled against the stairs. They tumbled down onto the steps, still entangled in each other.
“Ohhh!” she cried out softly as she landed on top of him.
Nathan made some sort of grunting noise but she felt his arms wrap themselves protectively around her. “You O.K.?”
She chuckled. “That was. . .very smooth.”
“Who puts stairs where people are kissing?” he grumbled as his eyes danced mischievously. She laughed and he quickly joined in. She had missed that most of all. Nathan’s laugh. After a few seconds, he turned serious and studied her for a long moment. His blue eyes intensely scanning her features. He reached out and in a familiar gesture, pushed her hair from her face, letting his hand linger against her cheek. “Are you sure?”
She answered without hesitation. “Yes.” She smiled and she reached out and caressed his cheek. “I’ve realized some things too. You might have been. . .stuck in the past but I have too. Only in a different way. I’ve let the past make me worry too much about the future. I’ve let what happened with my mom. . .Matthew. . .affect how I deal with things now.” She sighed softly. “Peyton told me that I’ve never really. . .fought or gotten really mad or-“
“Then what was that. . .before?” He smiled wryly. “’Cause if that wasn’t it, I’m a little scared to see you really mad now.”
She smiled. “I meant. . .I haven’t gotten really mad until now. I just. .. I thought that taking the path of least resistance would be easier. Less painful. And it is.” She looked at him and shrugged. “But it’s also less fulfilling. I mean. . .before. . .when I was really mad? That actually. . .that felt kinda good.” She chuckled at his _expression. “I just. . .always held back a little. Even before things with us. . .I held back. But you know not putting yourself out there because you’re scared or don’t want to get hurt only means you’re holding yourself back from living life.”
“And I don’t want that any more than you don’t want to make the same mistakes,” she continued softly. “That’s not to say that I’m not still scared ‘cause I am but I. ..need to stop letting my fears drive me. I have to stop worrying about the ‘what-ifs.’ I was so determined not to get hurt again that I made the same mistake. . .worse actually. . . .that you did. Instead of worrying about the past. . .I worried about the future. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. . .waiting for a reason to be able to run.”
“And when you. . .when I got my reason, that’s what I did.” She smiled slightly. “Looks like we both need to work on concentrating on the present huh? I mean until you invent that time machine and I develop my future telling abilities.”
He chuckled briefly before he grew serious. “You do believe me when I say I’m going to try and never hurt you right?”
She nodded and touched his face tenderly. “I do. But I’m not gonna run at the first sign of trouble either. I’ll stick around and fight it out this time.”
“Does that mean I should expect more temper tantrums from now on?” he asked teasingly.
She grinned. “Oh yeah. Now that I know how good it feels to unleash. . .it’s gonna happen a lot more often so you better be careful!”
He chuckled but grew serious as he reached out and stroked her cheek lovingly. “I love you Haley.”
She smiled. “I love you too.” And suddenly, she was no longer tired. She felt invigorated. Carefree.
They came together then, in a sweet kiss, holding such promise. When they finally parted, they rested their heads against each other, reveling in each other’s presence. “It won’t be easy, you know,” he said softly.
“What won’t?”
“Basketball season.” He sighed softly, pulling back to look into her eyes. She saw concern radiating from his eyes. “I can’t control what the press says about you. . .about us. And then there are those long road trips where I’ll-“
She cut him off by pressing a kiss against his lips. “We’ll handle it.” She cupped his face between her hands and looked at him questioningly. “Do you really want to make this comeback?”
He stared at her for long moments, and she felt her breath catch in her throat at how completely open he was with her now. She could see every emotion he was feeling in those beautiful blue eyes of his so clearly. At last he nodded. “I want to do this right. Not because I want to fix the past but because I really liked the game. When I was a kid, I was just like any other kid. . .daydreaming about being a pro ball player.” He smiled. “Deep down, I honestly love the game. It’s everything else that surrounds it that I don’t love so much. But I need to deal with all that stuff eventually right?”
“Only if that’s what you really want.”
“I really want you,” he said softly, looking at her intently. “As long as I have that, everything else will fall into place.” He smiled wryly. “I am only responsible for what I can control.”
She smiled. “That’s very impressive therapy-speak.”
He chuckled. “For 250 bucks an hour, it should be!”
“I still can’t believe you’re. . .you know.”
“I need to,” he said softly. “There was a reason I needed to be in rehab back then. . .and faking it only made things worse.” He cupped her cheek tenderly. “I want to do things right this time. Not just with basketball, but everything. That doesn’t mean I will. I can’t promise that. But I can promise I’ll try. I just. . .in 15 years, no matter where I am, I want to look back and say that I tried. That I gave it my all and did the best I could.”
“I want to be able to say that too.”
He smiled. “So how about we say that together?”
She stroked his face lovingly. “I’m really proud of you Nathan. No matter what you do. You know that right?”
“I know. And I know you. . .and Luke. . .are worried about the basketball thing but. . .I think I can get it right this time.”
“I know you will,” she said softly. “I just don’t-“ She stopped abruptly and smiled. “There I go again. . .worrying about what might happen.”
“Yeah, it’s a really bad habit of yours,” he said teasingly.
“Oh my bad habit is it?” He grinned and leaned forward, nuzzling her neck. “O.K., well, just to show you that I can focus on the here and now, there is one thing I really want right now.”
She felt him smile against her neck as his hands began roaming across her body familiarly. “Mmm-hmmm. And what might that be?”
“I really. . .” she began as she pressed in close to him, letting her thigh slide up his leg languidly, causing him to draw in a sharp breath. “Really. . .” She let her hand slowly trail down his chest until she found the hem of his shirt. “Want. . .no need. . .” She pulled his shirt up bit by bit, letting her hand deliberately brush against the bare skin of his torso.
He pulled back slightly. “Yes?”
She smiled at the clear desire in his eyes. “A bath!”
He chuckled before pressing a kiss against her lips. The kiss quickly grew heated and they spent wonderfully long moments just touching each other, letting their hands become reacquainted with the contours of each other’s bodies, while their mouths fused hotly together, kissing. . .licking. . .tasting. Suddenly, Nathan pulled away from her. “Where’s your Dad?”
She laughed. “Now you’re asking me that?”
“You’re very distracting.”
“He’s camping with friends. He won’t be back for a few days.”
“That’s-“ His voice caught in his throat as she caressed his bare chest, letting her fingers tantalizingly brush against his nipple.
That fiery heat was beginning to spread throughout her body, which ratcheted up her impatience. Sitting on the stairs and making out might be well and good but it had been too long since they were together. Far too long. “Nathan,” she whispered as she trailed kisses along his jaw. He mumbled something in response and she grinned, continuing to press light kisses against his face. “I really want that bath.” When he still hadn’t moved, she found that spot behind his left ear. . .that wonderfully sensitive spot. . .and licked it. “Now!”
In the next instant, she felt herself being swooped up into his arms. “Where’s that bathroom!” he muttered as he quickly ascended the steps. As her giggles mingled in with his laughter, Haley decided that she could really grow to love this whole ‘in the moment’ thing.
The End
